Do I have to get to the point where I need to accept my SO should leave me in order for her not to?

I'm in a bit of a circular-thinking pattern that is part confusing, part troublesome to me.

In my heart of hearts..I don't think my wife should leave me: we have been married 20 years; we have 6 kids ages 7-19; "besides the porn addiction", I think I have been a pretty decent husband/father (I have had issues connecting deeply-emotionally); yes, it has taken me A LONG TIME to truly recognize and realize that PA is a serious, serious issue .. but I am facing it full-on now / making changes / committing to sticking to this recovery. (it's only been 6 months..I know I have a lifetime left of recovery)

In my personal journal, I wrote the following about a week ago:

The strange thing is when I wrote that, I was not feeling down and depressed...rather, I remember I was in a great mood. It was kind of a random thought that popped into my head.

Fast forward to today and this thread: they are related because I am wondering if part of accepting responsibility for my PA .. do I somehow need to reconcile to myself that my SO _should_ leave me. In a way, fully empowering her to choose to stay or not.

What if I cannot get to that place? i.e. what if I am completely honest with myself and I really have a hard time believing that the right thing would be for my SO to leave me? Does that mean I am not owning the seriousness of what I have done?

 

@Kenzi: I saw your comment right after I posted this ... I listened to the first video about boundaries--the whole hour--it was good, really good .. I was drawn to that video because my wife setup a no-touch boundary back in August.

I have that thread comment up in another tab and plan on listening to the others as well.

 

Thanks.

"heal her betrayal trauma"--right now, I feel like all I can actively do is step back and be very, very patient. (being on two separate continents..there is not much I can actively do anyway I suppose)

I think the biggest obstacle right now for my SO is the big decision .. does she want to stay in this relationship. To her great credit, she has openly admitted that right now, she is not in the state of mind to make a decision either way. So, we wait....which I think is fine / actually, I'm thrilled she is able to make that decision [not to decide right now].

But focusing on myself -- the question in this thread that still nags me is do I need to reach a place in my heart / my soul where I can honestly say that my wife _should_ leave me? ... that's a rhetorical question, I think. Maybe the video about the 4 Stages of Recovery will touch on that....or one of the other ones. We'll see - I am going to watch/listen to them.

Thanks again.

 

I just listened to the 4 stages of recovery from PA (thanks @Kenzi !) .. it was great. Only 13 minutes -- listened to it twice..second time took the following notes for anyone else that might want to listen to it:

==================================
[#1] Survival Stage: can last 3 months to 1 year
* quitting all behavior that could lead to a relapse

* build a solid foundation for a porn free life
=> change where you use the computer
=> leaving the door open to your computer room
=> remove password protection on your phone

* you have a start date for when your recovery began

Graduation criteria: no P or M for at least 3 months
[ 95% of guys don't get past this stage (wow!) ]
==================================
[#2] Stability Stage - can last 6 months to 18 months
* developed a daily routine, good habits
* you have moved past denial and resistence
* learning about addition recovery
* you are looking forward to your sessions with your counselor or coach

Graduation criteria: accept and understand all the behaviors that PA has led you to;
No P or M for 6 months minimum
==================================
[#3] Maintenance Plan - can last 1.5 years to 3 years
* 100% honest about your sexual life
* you've taken full responsibility for your recovery
* move on from an accountabilty partner or a counselor/coach

Graduation criteria: completely free of P, no slips; capable of maintaining a stable relationship;
No P or M for 2 years minimum
==================================
[#4] Mastery Stage
* recovered for 2 to 3 years
==================================

 

On a personal note .. those stages and the timeline are really encouraging. I am definitely in the middle of stage #1 (it's been a long 6 months). But looking at a 12-18 month horizon to finish stage #2 --- that feels right .. and that feels totally doable.

I mean, it's going to be hard! But it helps to see that big picture.

 

I listened to the YouTube video about Betrayal Trauma ... it was really informative. It really helps me reset my focus on my wife's perspective / my wife's pain. And also gives a good overview of steps in the process for overcoming PA.

It spoke directly to me about my inability to connect deeply-emotionally with my wife over the years. It describes porn as a "disease of disconnection" or an "intimacy disability" --- WOW, talk about hitting the nail on the head.

I didn't take full notes...just some random notes..here they are:
* porn is a disease of disconnection
* intimacy disability

* What Drives PA: Affordability, Anonymous, Accessibility

* Overcoming PA: Accountability (Honesty), Awareness, Attachment (secure attachment)

What do SO's need?
* Emotionally safe
* Full open honesty

 

Nope...that is not it at all with me. I do not want a divorce...we have 6 kids -- I'm not saying everyone with kids absolutely should stay married.

Regardless, I have told my SO that I don't want her to stay in the marriage "just for the kids / just to keep the family together". I want to confront and combat and overcome this PA and be the best husband to my wife that she fully deserves.

So no..I have no fantasies about getting divorced and meeting hot divorcees.

 

I agree 100% that P is infidelity. I don't agree that therefore that means I want [or might want] a divorce so that I can meet hot divorcees.

If that is how you feel...more power to you. But don't project on me.

 

Bumping this thread from almost 6 months ago...I have been thinking about this same question and curious what some of the newer people think about it (@GhostWriter in particular) -- the question is concisely put in the title:
Do I have to get to the point where I need to accept my SO should leave me in order for her not to?


Some key excerpts from the posts above:
================================
In my heart of hearts..I don't think my wife should leave me: we have been married 20 years; we have 6 kids ages 7-19; "besides the porn addiction", I think I have been a pretty decent husband/father. [Since writing that..and learning more details about the pain my wife has described to me...I don't know if I would say this today.]
================================
[is] part of accepting responsibility for my PA .. do I somehow need to reconcile to myself that my SO _should_ leave me. In a way, fully empowering her to choose to stay or not.

What if I cannot get to that place? i.e. what if I am completely honest with myself and I really have a hard time believing that the right thing would be for my SO to leave me? Does that mean I am not owning the seriousness of what I have done?

..

the question in this thread that still nags me is do I need to reach a place in my heart / my soul where I can honestly say that my wife _should_ leave me?
================================
I think the biggest obstacle right now for my SO is the big decision .. does she want to stay in this relationship. To her great credit, she has openly admitted that right now, she is not in the state of mind to make a decision either way. So, we wait. [She is in the same exact place...
THIS WEEKEND, she said the same thing...that she doesn't trust herself to make a decision right now.]
================================

Last thought: I remember that 4 stages of Recovery video...I remembee it being really good. I am going to watch it again today.