Crossed the line as Stepdad. Unbelievably betrayed. Any Hope?

I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this. Addiction is a disease that not only affects the individual but also destroys the entire family. Not only does the addict need to address their problems, but the victims also need help dealing with the consequences of the addict's behavior.

Addicts have a very difficult time maintaining boundaries and stepping over lines. Addiction is a spiral into destruction. Addicts form a compulsion to engage in behavior they know to be wrong in order to medicate underlying problems. They may try to restrict their behavior but need to escalate in order to get the same medicated feeling. He might have even tried to stop many times, but withdrawal symptoms bring many people back to their addiction.

Trust is destroyed when the spouse discovers this behavior. It is a traumatic event and many SO's experience PTSD-like symptoms. It is normal and natural to withdraw trust... it's a defense mechanism. It is fragile and takes a long time to establish and sometimes cannot be repaired if damaged.

I can understand how the content of the things he used to watch are concerning. In general, addicts are looking for that lightningbolt-to-the-brain feeling. Therefore, they will branch out into different genre's of porn in order to get that new excited feeling. Sometimes it's random. Sometimes it's related to something from their past. Or maybe something in their current life can affect what they like to watch. Anything that adds shock, disgust, or extreme shame can make the porn watching experience that much more exhilarating.

I understand that some of the things your husband viewed and fantasized about is scary, shocking, and dangerous. You are totally justified for taking steps to protect you and your family. An addict needs to see that they can lose everything unless they change. They need that rock-bottom moment. It's good to see that he is getting professional help.

However, you also need support, information, and encouragement as well. Many people cannot talk openly about these things with people they know. There are many wives, girlfriends, and others who had their world shattered and are trying to find ways to cope. I hope you find the necessary resources you need to get through this difficult period of time.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. Addiction wreaks havoc in so many people's lives.

I know for me, if my husband, step-father or real father, ever admitted to fantasizing about my daughter, there would be no second chances. It doesn't matter her age. He would be out of my house and I would be filing for divorce immediately.

You have definitely done the right thing by keeping him away from your daughter. Does his daughter's mother know what is going on? If not, it may be a good idea to inform her for the sake of their daughter. Tough situation for sure.

I also encourage you to seek out counseling for yourself. This is a very difficult journey to be on and with the added layers in your story, you may find yourself wanting and needing more refined help.

 

I hate to say this but I would leave- if my husband eve thought of MY daughter that way- last straw. you have to put her well being first, Again, I am sorry to have to say that but I must!!

 

In the last part of your post you asked if there was hope. There are reasons for hope. Many men have learned to stay in control and stay present with their thoughts and feelings. Instead of escaping into fantasy they have learned to address their discomfort and deal with it in healthier ways. Instead of giving in to urges, temptations, and impulses, they have learned exercise self-control and restrain themselves. With professional help, a good Abstinence Plan, and the proper motivation, an addict can achieve recovery.

However, once an addict starts to address their problems they may start to unearth more deep-seated issues. A person may have to acknowledge being abused as a child. There may have been sexual abuse that has never been addressed. This may have led to being drawn to that genre of porn. There might be an undiagnosed mental health issue such as depression, anxiety, OCD, or something else. If a person has developed an obsession or fixation then that could severely complicate their recovery and change the dynamics within the family. He may have escalated into inserting real-life people into his fantasies as a means of getting a 'higher' high from his PMO activities. It's a blurred line where personal decisions end and the disease starts.

Sadly, some relationships get broken beyond repair. Some damage cannot be fixed. You are entitled to whatever feelings you are experiencing. There is no need to make long-term decisions right now. Protect yourself and protect your family. Take a breath and get your bearings. He will also need to start providing concrete evidence that he is taking his recovery seriously before you can start to think about trusting him again. Restoring trust is a very long and complicated process. Couples have recovered. But please don't feel obligated to forgive or forget. There is no guarantee that he will get better or that he will never hurt you again. At some point, you will have to make a decision but that does not have to happen today. What he did was a serious breach of trust and it will take a long time for him to repair the damage he's caused.

 

Oooh! I'm so sorry - that's absolutely horrendous. Even if she's of legal age, there's a power imbalance there. I think you're right to protect your daughter - it shows you're a mother first.

I do hope you find solace in these forums, they've been a massive help to me in feeling less alone.

Sending hugs n peace xx

 

She's 18 now. But she stated they have been married for four years and however long they dated before that so it stands to reason the fantasizing has been going on long before she was of legal age...

 

I hate to burst everyones bubble as well as martyr myself here with the whole age thing... Age is completely irrelevant.
When a picture gets uploaded on the internet from another country, you don't know the age of the person, not to mention the age of consent laws in other countries, like China, can be as young as 12.
In the UK its 16.
So age, is again, irrelevant.
Which makes a picture...
A very scary thing.

And Ms Mermaid, I'm so sorry... This was my personal greatest fear for my PA.
I hope upon hope that you have a good support system.
Feel free to message me if you would like to.

 

If I ever found out one of my children was in danger, that would be it. I dont care how commited or recovered the man was, I could never live with myself if something did end up happening to my child, when I had an extremely clear warning sign. I normally think its up to the person to decide whether to stay or not, but when your children are involved, staying wouldbea horrible mistake.

 

You can't and that's one of the most painful realizations that most if not all SO's go through. I am So sorry for your pain.

 

The thing is, he probably is completely genuine. That doesn't mean he is safe or even close to being sober. I'm so very sorry you are dealing with this.

 

What does your daughter say? Was he ever inappropriate with her? I think to determine if there is any hope you should judge him based on his actions.

Thinking (and yes his thoughts are very disturbing) and doing are very different things.

 

Right and even if she was of legal age at the time he had the thoughts (which I doubt) it’s still his step daughter whom it’s disgusting to have those thoughts about. I know that addicts often look at things that are not reflective of their true sexual interests but this one I think is different and very hard to get past.

 

I had a similar experience and can relate. I'm sure you must feel so angry and out of control right now, and I sympathize. It's so embarrassing that it's hard to get the support you need. I am 6 months away from Dday, but I remember the horror of it so well. I want you to know that this will get better -- one way or another -- the pieces of your life will come back together. Sooner or later, I'm sure of it. You will find a way through.

Like you, I really loved my husband and our life together. I really felt that he was a good person and a good husband, which made what happened all the more unbelievable. We spent about two months apart. He became very involved in a 12 step program and was constantly reaching out to me. He sees a certified sex addiction therapist. He seems genuinely dedicated to his recovery. I was also told to give it time and that's exactly what I'm doing. Initially, I didn't think there was any coming back from those revelations, but I'm learning that it's possible for me to move past judgement. I can feel compassion for myself, but I'm also beginning to feel compassion for him in his addiction. I can separate the addict from my husband to some extent. This took time. It took time to move past judgments and labels like "pervert" and to begin to ask the question, "Why?" Why did he do this? Why did this happen? I still sometimes feel anger and disgust, but not quite with the same intensity.

What helped me was reading up on porn addiction. I got the book Your Brain on Porn, and I also read some articles from the web site. I also read books by Patrick Carnes, who is a premier writer on the topic of sex addiction. From what you've said, it sounds like your husband may have lost control, which is characteristic of sex addiction. Do you think that the porn addiction put these ideas into his head or do you think that he is innately sexually deviant? Does the distinction matter? I don't expect you to answer these questions. I just think it might be helpful to consider.
I'm encouraged by the fact that your daughter likes him as a person and doesn't feel like he has been inappropriate with her. I'm also encouraged by the fact that he came out and told you about this thought crime. I'm sure it was difficult to be honest about that. I am concerned however about the $27k. Was this part of his sex addiction?

When I first found out, I felt like I was falling, and I didn't know when I was going to finally hit the ground. Sometimes I still wonder, but that's because my trust has been so badly damaged. I took control of my husband's laptop and threatened to send it to a computer forensics examiner. They can find just about anything -- emails, screen shots, pictures, you name it. There's also free software available on the Internet that can pull up screenshots, etc. In my case, this helped the addict come clean.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I found myself annoyed with the comments that basically said "oh you poor thing" or "I would leave him." I know that it is a hell of a lot more complicated than that. There are no right or wrong answers. No one knows your situation like you do. There are a lot of factors to consider. I know you are looking for real help, real answers and I hope you find them.

 

I think most of us understand it is a lot more complicated than just leaving. I, myself, am nearly 18 months out from DDay. I can move past and forgive a lot, and have. Twenty years of a porn addiction hidden, with some shocking revelations. Twenty years of lies. It's been a very long road. But I would have drawn the line if either of my children became victims to my husband, even if they didn't know it.

They don't have to know they have been victimized for it to still have happened. The man jacked himself off while fantasizing about his step-daughter. There is no way around that. That is a big fat deal breaker. I commend the OP for choosing her daughter over her husband. It doesn't always happen that way. I can only imagine the amount of pain you are in, @BetrayedMermaid . I am very glad you are in counseling, however, I don't feel that protecting your children is something to be considered as a rash decision. My heart aches with you.