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Crossed the line as Stepdad. Unbelievably betrayed. Any Hope?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by BetrayedMermaid, Mar 4, 2018.

  1. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    I feel like some of the people giving advice on this topic don't understand what can happen when people view porn to an excessive degree. Based on what you have written
    I seriously doubt that he was "targeting" her from day one as some have suggested. When you use porn you become a slave to novelty. You have to keep pushing yourself to "accept" more and more shocking content to get the same level of dopamine high. He likely one day stumbled upon the "stepdaughter" P stuff and was disgusted by it. Then gradually began to seek it out. Once it was no longer "shocking" enough to think about the nameless "step daughters" his thoughts likely turned towards his own. My point is not to say that what he did was acceptable, but rather to point out that with compulsive porn use it is very common to start watching and thinking about things that are very disturbing even to the person (addict) watching them. He was likely left with the thought, "how the heck did I end up here? This is messed up. I need help".

    Concerning "teen (over age of 18)" porn. People seem to get freaked out when they see "teen". This is a very broad term. I think "the industry" generally applies this to "performers" who 1. don't have tattoos, 2. are not "enhanced" and 3. don't look "old". Also at least for me it was not an age thing. I never once thought, "this is great, she only 18/19!".

    I don't know why people think that viewing porn will suddenly turn someone into a rapist or molester. I have never been sexual aggressive towards anyone in my entire life. I have only ever even been sexual with one person (wife). I have watched "teen" porn in the past. I do not consider myself a danger to young girls. Further, looking at the situation objectively with your daughter she is in much less "danger" now than she was previously considering everything is out in the open. You are aware, she is aware and your husband is getting help.

    "If thoughts were crimes we'd all be in prison". I have had some messed up fleeting thoughts throughout my life. "I wonder what would happen if I just drove my car off the road, "could I commit a bank heist and get away with it", "what would it be like to fight someone". I have taken no steps to do these things yet I have thought about them. This goes toward inappropriate sexual thoughts as well. I have had sexual fantasies about women at my work. Should I turn myself into HR for targeting them? I have had porn induced thoughts about my wife as well. Again I feel like there is zero danger of me trying to force my wife to do anything sexual that she does not want to do.

    Honest is the best policy. Almost universally on this site SO's say that they want full honesty, full disclosure. Your husband finally gave you this and now it seems he is losing his family because he shared his thoughts.
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Really? Are you really trying to put a spin on this and make the OP feel guilty for her decision to defend her child? How dare you put that kind of weight on a mother. As if she isn't already dealing with more than any one person should have to.

    He is not losing his family because he shared his thoughts. He is losing his family because he visualized his wife's daughter, his step-daughter, naked (or nearly naked) and fantasized about her while he was masturbating. He made her his sexual object. And as I said before, she is 18 now. Who knows how many times it has happened in the years before she turned 18.

    She is to be commended for standing by her children. No, not all men who fantasize like this will act out but many men do. So when it comes to your kids, you make the decision to err on the side of your kids. Always.

    I would do the exact same thing.
     
  3. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    In my opinion you are the one who is putting an emotional "spin" on the dialogue.

    I am simply stating the facts. It was a direct result of his full disclosure that the current events are transpiring. Maybe it was not fair to point it out, but this really seems like an example where complete transparency did more harm than good. What if he had instead said to his wife, "I have a problem with porn and need to seek help. I have been viewing content and having thoughts that I am not comfortable with". This is still honest. However, in this scenario much of the emotional trauma is lessened.

    All I was attempting to do in my comments was to give another perspective.
     
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I don't think that it's not fair to point out, this is simply a point where we very clearly disagree. I'm not putting an emotional "spin" on it because facts are facts. He admitted to doing something reprehensible. But you are right, it is an emotional topic. As seems to be case with this type of thing, I firmly believe the truth would have eventually come out one way or another.
     
    BetrayedMermaid and noexcuses like this.
  5. Yeah? What was you do when you was watching Porn? The washing up?
    This section is for partner support. Not PAs who want to justify and minimise their behaviour and call it a "different perspective."
    Maybe you should stick to your own kind.
     
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    This section is for everyone. @noexcuses has always been a voice of reason and was just offering his opinion. We understand you have been hurt deeply, like many of us, but your comment is uncalled for. We can have a civil discussion without getting confrontational.
     
  7. Partner Support
    A support section for partners of people who have had or currently have PMO-related problems.

    Not according to the guidelines.
     
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    There is a group for spouses and significant others only if you would like to join that. PAs may post here and are welcome to. Let's stay on topic.
     
  9. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

  10. All,

    This is a reminder to be respectful of one another. We do not run people out or tell them to stick to their own kind...everyone is welcome to post if they have meaningful things to say or contribute. Yes, this thread is targeted towards SOs seeking support but that doesn't mean that nobody else is allowed to post. As an alternative, there are closed, private groups for more focused discussions available.
     
  11. PornScorned

    PornScorned New Fapstronaut

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    Betrayed Mermaid,
    I'm sorry that you are tortured by disturbing thoughts of what your husband may have been imagining. You shouldn't have to have such ugly thoughts spinning around your head. Your happy life was taken from you, and you can never go back to the time before you knew. That is so hard.

    For me, the revelation process was really tough. It took at least a month with the truth slowly leaking out. In the meantime, I got a therapist for myself - someone who was familiar with sex addiction. I am very glad that I had this extra support. She urged me to take care of myself, to focus on healthy self-soothing, and working to meet my own emotional needs. She suggested that if I could soothe myself and learn to stay calm in the storm, I would get more answers from my husband. This turned out to be true for me. Reacting with explosive anger and shame to every revelation was certainly not encouraging him to open up. I worry that there may be more revelations to come for you and that is why I share my experience, in hopes that it may be helpful.

    I think what this thread has highlighted - especially some of the strong emotional reactions and opinions- is that there is no consensus on the meaning or significance of thoughts. If your husband engaged in inappropriate behavior towards your daughter then things would certainly be a lot more clear-cut. This is tough.
     
  12. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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  13. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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  14. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Thank you noexcuses. I really do appreciate your thoughts. I’m in deep thought. I just learned too that he looked at sites for potential hook ups-but didn’t contact any. He said this:
    “I will say this and you won’t believe me but I’m being honest. I didn’t want to cheat on you I used that just like porn as something to get off on and to fantasize to.”
    I’m really trying not to overreact here because I do want honesty. And I do love him but I’m just feeling like he really doesn’t love me and it just hurts so bad.
    I’m really trying to see a way to stay with him- I just feel it’s too dangerous for my daughter’s psyche.. she’s a very innocent 18 year old and the fact that I don’t know my husband is freaking me out. I mean was he fantasizing about rape? I don’t know— how could I ever know? How can I take that chance? He will really have to somehow earn my trust if we are going to be together and I have no idea how he will be able to do that, but for now- protecting the kids is my first and foremost concern. I don’t think he’d do anything to her but then again, I didn’t think that he had a porn addiction. He’s very sneaky and hides it way too well.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13, Numb and Jennica like this.
  15. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for defending me sister... I do appreciate noexcuses take on it too. I’m glad he took the time to respond- as I am thankful for your response. The SO group is very beneficial to me- and I welcome everyone’s view.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    No harm, no foul between @noexcuses and me. We are still friends. :)
     
  17. Sorry to hear about this situation @BetrayedMermaid. When it comes to hope and trust the answer will always be found within your own heart. In order to have trust in someone there is a leap of faith that will need to be made in that person. There will never come a time when you’ll know with 100% certainty, which is the nature of trust and hope since if we knew how things would go with 100% certainty then we wouldn’t need trust or hope.

    As a PA I can say I’ve had a lot of thoughts which I never in a million years would have considered myself capable of having. I take full responsibility for every one I’ve entertained, but I know at the same time that these thoughts do not represent who I am as a person. I know I’m more than these thoughts but also know I would never expect to regain the trust from someone whom I’ve betrayed with them.

    If there is any consolation then I think it should be found in your husband’s honesty. How many PAs would have disclosed what he disclosed? I know a lot of us want to present ourselves as pinnacles of honesty, but wow! To disclose something so deep, dark, and shameful would have had to take a ton of courage. In group they say “you’re only as sick as your secrets” and I’ve always thought “you’re only has healthy as your honesty” which given the nature and severity of his disclosure shows me there is still hope for him.

    Edit: Sorry, I also wanted to say welcome to the forums. The fact that you’re here, asking for understanding, takes tons courage as well! Simply amazing.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2018
  18. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    It’s not that I think my husband would do anything to my daughter- but the trust is zero.. so do I really know he isn’t fantasizing about rape? Has he gone there in his head? And he has compulsatory component so how can I possibly have him around her. They used to be home alone together on his days off
    Thanks Chris. I appreciate your words. I met with his counselor with my husband last night, not because I’m ready to work on the marriage (it’s been a month and I asked for separation right away) but I was asked to come to give my perspective and I genuinely wanted to go to help my husband. The session was extremely hard and I melted down to pieces- I was sobbing and my whole body was shaking. The counselor said the same thing that your saying Chris- for him to disclose something so shameful and disgusting that early on (he gave me that information when I asked what type of porn he had searched for like a week after he was found out) gives some hope because usually that type of line crossing takes a lot of time to disclose. But he also said that the with that given information, my daughter isn’t safe around him and I can’t trust him. He’s an expert counselor in sex addiction. So this gives me great pain but great relief that the separation was the right choice for her sake.

    The counselor says he and my husband will be working on separating the addict from the man and we will have a delayed disclosure to give time for everything to come out. I told my husband that I’m so thankful that he was honest with that, so I can protect our daughter...and That he was brave and strong to do so. But something that I have thought of is what if my daughter is just the tip of the iceberg?

    I had in my head that he fantasized about porn stars... ok.. he can’t get WITH the porn stars so it’s fantasy. But I asked him yesterday if he had ever been on any hookup sites. He admitted to getting on a few like craigslist personal adds.. and he “can’t remember the otherS” and I quote:

    “I will say this and you won’t believe me but I’m being honest. I didn’t want to cheat on you I used that (hook up sites) just like porn as something to get off on and to fantasize to. “

    This crosses another line for me because it is too close to actually having sex with people which at THIS point he says he didn’t. I truly hope he gets everything out so nothing festers in that shame box. I love him and want him to stand tall even if we don’t end up together.

    Also the counselor advised me to get rid of covenant eyes- husband had asked me to be his accountability partner and he texts me when he has temptations within 2 minutes of the urge. But it’s tearing me up. It sends me into panic mode. Example- I’m working on the floor as a nurse. I get his text saying that the guy next to him opened his phone and there was a naked girl on the homepage. Just that split second sparked the urge to look up nude photos- so I get this text and I’m panicked that he’s going to relapse in the middle of me taking care of my patients. I text him back something that hopefully encourages him not to relapse, but all the while wonder if he’s falling in that moment.
    So now I’m realizing I can do nothing to help because it’s at the expense of my emotional well being and I need to focus on being mentally healthy for the sake of my patients, the kids... and for my sake.

    So I’m letting go. So hard to do.

    At the disclosure with his counselor I will decide the next course of action, but for now- since my daughter has a year left before college- at least a year separation.
     
    Jennica and Deleted Account like this.
  19. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    @BetrayedMermaid, I wanted to chime in again and add give a recommendation and give a few more insights.

    First, it is a TERRIBLE idea for an SO to be the addict's AP. In AA, they never have the SO be the alcoholic's sponsor. To be involved in the daily grind of dealing with addiction is extremely traumatizing to the SO. Unlike other addictions, this one is EXTREMELY personal to the SO. No one wants to hear how often their husband wants to have sex with someone other than you. Every time he tells you he has an urge he is causing another injury. Daily or weekly check-ins might be helpful, but the daily minutia needs to be handled by a fellow addict. This is where the NoFap community can help him. Getting a good AP is critical to the process and lightens your load of responsibility.

    I also wanted to introduce the concept of objectification. Addicts dehumanize people by only looking at their physical appearance. They cannot look at an image/movie/person and see the entire person and selfishly use them for their own gratification. They must strip away the personality of the person. This is an alien concept to a non-addict, but addicts gradually do this to all people in their lives. Instead of viewing someone as a whole person, they think about how to use them for their selfish advantage.

    Your husband has admitted to using your daughter in his fantasies. To a non-addict, this means he wants to use her, have sex with her, or rape her. To the addict, her likeness was a means to an end. However, to the extreme addict or the molester, there might be a desire to act out in real life. Only you and your husband can determine what the truth really is. Part of his recovery will have to start to include viewing people as real people again.

    Lastly, I wanted to introduce the concept of compartmentalization. Humans have the ability to split their minds into different compartments with different behavior, morals, attitudes, and even speech patterns. They do this in order to keep compulsively doing things they know to be against their moral code. This is how a 'good' person can do bad things. An addict can have a work box, a family box, a religious box, and an addict box. Addicts mistakenly think they can keep their addiction in a box and it won't bleed over into other parts of their lives and not have an adverse effect. But that is a myth.

    There are probably a lot of shameful things in that fantasy box. A lot of things a person looks at and fantasizes about would never be acted upon in real life. They are two different boxes. However, some do escalate into real-life behavior. An addict fears being judged by what is in that box and what arouses him. It's good sign that he has told you upfront.

    None of this justifies or excuses his behavior.
    You still reserve the right to protect yourself and your family. Nor am I trying to change your mind or try to make you feel sympathy for him. Most SO's just want to make sense of what is going on in the mind of their partner. An addict does not use logic or their rational mind because it is damaged. It is up to you to decide whether to excuse it, forgive it, or move on.
     
  20. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Iwannagetbetter. It is traumatizing every time he texted me (which was 2 times), I've asked him to use a different accountability partner. He was the one that asked me to be his accountability partner and I want to be helpful to him but yes, it is very damaging to me. I was always bracing myself for the relapse and it's too much. Thanks for the recommended books. I will read them. It's incredible that you've gone over 500 days! As I read the PA's stories, it makes me so sad in the relapse section... how difficult it has been for all of you. My heart goes out to everyone on nofap and I like that we are all with WAR against addiction.

    My husband definitely compartmentalizes and he holds himself in a high moral code in one compartment... He reads his Bible every morning, prays, the kids and I looked at his as very spiritual and close to God. All along, he has the black box of shame... so sad.

    I'm more of a "it's all out there in the open" kind of girl, but my actions match my moral code. I'm not very high and mighty. Lol.

    I guess we will see what the future brings.

    Honestly, and maybe some of the other SO's will feel this way. I am very hungry for attention and love, because I feel so ugly and rejected. I don't really know what to do with that because I know I'm vulnerable. And the last thing I want to do with my moral code is cross a line with someone to further ruin our marriage. It seems like men can smell it on me or something, or maybe I'm just noticing more that I'm getting looks from men, and a man at work told me he has an open marriage and offered me his "services".... I said no and thought to myself... you are probably a PA, but to be honest it felt good to be wanted and I know it's probably only in an objectified way which is really sad for me. I will talk to my counselor about this today.
     

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