Can't stop relapsing after years of trying

I can relate to that... Whenever too much stress or sorrow or loneliness comes up, we relapse, but there's got to be a way to leave that shi.... behind forever...

 

You're tough...Leaving all those addictions, you achieved quite something to be proud of! Me I'm only fighting one addiction and it takes all my energy... You should be proud!

 

With the number of comments I had on my problem, I thought I should give you an update of how I'm doing...
Well I was doing fine until yesterday... Had a relapse yesterday and today due to the old devils that came back, I was not strong or dedicated enough yesterday to my combat on PMO...

Same patterns... I went to bed late, so yesterday I wasn't top shape, and most of all I was turned down by my blonde neighbord with whom I was texting, took a chance at inviting her to go skiing but she turned me down on saturday... Also I was chatting with 2 girls on a dating site... One was supposed to call me saturday...Off course that didn't happen.. And on Sunday never heard of this one and the other one I was chatting with... So got flushed by 3 girls in 24 hours...

So a feeling of loneliness, fatigue, feeling like the most bad looking guy in town, with no hope to meet someone after 9 years of trying and giving the best off myself on dates, being nice... And to top it all off, another day of grey weather since almost 2 months non stop and much snow yesterday, so I couldn't go to much places, so all that combined I failed...My knees bent and relapsed... I felt like shit when I relapsed yesterday and today....

I signed up to guitar lessons online, singing lessons online, I take horse riding lesson everyweek... I just didn't have the energy and will to do all of that instead of relapsing yesterday... I will start again, try to set goals and objectives to defeat those damn triggers... As my therapist said last week, you been watching porn since decades, since I was a teenager, it's not obvious to quit... She always saw my relapses as a way to stop my suffering instantly, which I tend to believe she's right.... She said I see no addictions signs in you, but a lot of pain you run from instantly with porn because it takes you away from your pain, loneliness and such...

I wanted to much to start 2023 free from PMO, I failed, will do my best to not relapse for the rest of the year... Start fresh in February for the rest of the year....

 

I really like your comments.... That's exactly what my therapist says... Don't be so hard on yourself, and stop seeing your relapses as a failure, but see them as a message that you're not well and it's the way you found to stop suffering and just start your streak again... I understand that principle very well...But I'm so disgusted since years of that behavior, it is not me to fail like that at quitting porn... I have a strong will, but all the shi... that happens to me since 9 years so to have broken my will to stop porn forever... As I said previously my therapist, which is a sexologist told me I see no addiction signs in you.. But I see a huge pain that you don't accept, and that you run away from with porn...

As I said will try to get my pieces together from today and the rest of the year. If I can stay away from that shi... for 3-4 months I know I will be much stronger to resist it.... I'm currently experiencing a lot of stress due to my job, so I'm trying hard to find something else that will suit me, I had two interviews today, and the condominium which is toxic to me since I bought it because of the relapses there, the covid, stuck in teleworking since 3 years, since a bit after I moved in... So the place is toxic to me, brings me down... So I go through a lot of stress from all directions... Dates that dump me or ghost me... So I plan to sell the condo as soon as I can to start fresh somewhere else...

My greatest wish is to be the man I was before, but in an improved version with all I've been through... Leave all that behind and move on....

 

Thank you for your comment... My therapist keeps telling me don't be so hard on yourself, but I'm a man of principle, so I have a really hard time failing all the time... I realize I put a lot of pressure on me, like if had not enough already, but I really want to be free from porn, and as I said, leave this dark period of my life behind and finally move on... I realize that the regrets and guilt are far worse than the relapses themselves... And having read about the behind the scenes of the porn industry I'm so disgusted by it, that knowing I feed that industry when I relapse makes me feel even more guilty, plus the time I loose practicing guitar, singing, and other hobbies I have is really putting a huge stress on me at every relapse. So I hope February will be a new start in 2023 and that the rest of the year will be porn free...

 

Hello guys,
Just wanted to give you an update on how I'm doing... I'm still hanging in there, saw my sexologist last night, we made some sort of debrief on our meetings, what I started to consult her for at first, and where I am now...
So she insisted again that she didn't see sign of addiction to porn in me, but a way to forget and run away from a huge pain that I carry since 9 years.... So I'm more motivated than ever to pursue my fight against that shi.... called porn...
Looking for a new job, plan to sell the condo to start fresh somewhere else and other major life changes...

 

Thank you, where can I find this thread?

 

Thanks!

 

Hello guys,

Here I am with an update of my situation... Well the news are not good and good.... On Valentine's day, I faced triggering situations for me that I haven't been able to resist and relapsed like a stupid fool.... Felt ashamed of myself and guilty and had regrets... I tried to get something positive out of it, why I relapsed, and what in my lifestyle is causing me to relapse all the times... I found things I knew I needed to change, but now it is more obvious than ever... I'm caught in a vicious circle... I have to break it.... I need to change job as soon as possible to finally put an end to teleworking 5 days a week since 3 years, this is killing me, and second, I must sell my condo which is very toxic to me due to various personal reasons, one of them is having relapsed there so many times since I bought it 3 years ago....To me it is a symbol of failure and I'm really not well there since the first month I moved in....

So I will step on it even more to find another job, and step on it to sell the condo and buy something else, and possibly change town to get really fresh air... Even my neighborhood is toxic to me... Only bad memories surround this condo...

And last, really step on it for my hobbies, even though it means spending more time at my place despite the bad wave when I'm home... Will try to really get good at guitar and singing... I signed up to online lessons for both but since last months have barely touched my guitar...

I also wanted to dress better, will start to do it this weekend...I have new clothes I never put on... Will really start to be the better version of myself starting tomorrow.... Spring is close... It's a great time to start fresh and put in action all the things I wanted to do but didn't do or not as much as I wanted...

I can't let this bloody porn poison my life any longer... I realize my self esteem is very low, and that working on it is one of the keys to stop this addiction...

 

Here's my update on how I'm doing.... Had another relapse last friday due to again emotionnal void, loneliness and not having the will to do my hobbies, and to top it all off, a friend of mine, she texted me proposing some kinky ideas, so all these triggers combined I relapsed to that damn porn.... Everytime I'm more and more shook up by the stupidity of having relapsed, especially when I told myself just before relapsing friday night, why don't you go to bed, it's early, you'll be in a good mood tommorrow and the urge will be gone... Despite that wise thought I relapsed...

I deciced this time to stick to my objectives, with dates to do them, and to make March and the rest of the year porn free. I blocked my friend on messenger so I won't be teased again, and will draft a new list of objectives that will be more precise than the previous one. I really really must beat that porn addiction, although my therapist keeps telling me she sees no sign of addiction but rather a way to stop and endure the big suffering I have since my separation in 2013... I must fight that suffering without porn, to be again proud of myself instead of seeing me as a loser who can't stop watching porn... I hope this time is the right time... I failed so many times, countless times, I need and must succeed this time...