Can't stop relapsing after years of trying

Hello all,

I would like to know your thoughts if someone is having the same big problem I'm having in quitting porn once and for all... I just can't despite all my efforts, I keep relapsing after a week, sometimes 2, sometimes 3...

Here's my story in short... I'm 53, been doing PMO since I was 15, I never realised until 2016 that it was toxic and and shit... You name it, I thought of all the words when I discovered the sites like this one back in 2016. What used to be fun relaxation time became something quite toxic and self destructive when I realised what a fool I had been all those years...

In 2013, 3 years before a long term relationship with my girlfriend came to a stop when I didn't expect it... I had it all at the time with her for over 13 years... Nice house, making several trips a year, good job, a dog, big fish tank, finches, I had my collector GMC trucks I worked on and drove...Life was sweet.... Then disaster hit in 2013.... She left me, and the big hearted woman I had known turned into a devil in disguise who threathened me to throw away my beloved things if I didn't leave the house within 2 weeks.... I had lucky me, an extension to 3 weeks... But the nasty behavior didn't stop....

Anyway, found myself living as roommate with a family I knew nothing of, in a very dark basement turned into an appartment.... I had lost my job a couple months before and got a job I hated in the meantime an hour drive.... I moved 8 times 6 years....

Got on dating sites, and since 9 years it's been 9 years of being rejected, abused for my kindness, ghosted, you name it.... So here I am in 2022 in a condo I bought in 2019 but turned out to be more sadness than a home, due to always being alone and add teleworking to that loneliness since 2 1/2 years...

Therefore since 2018, I feel so lonely, so sad and lost all hope of getting back the life I had before... And my condo is no escape, as soon as I come in, I start to feel even worse... I gotta go somewhere... So since 2016 I tried to quit porn with all my heart, even see a sex therapist since 3 years to understand my behavior... She says it's a way for me to stop from suffering right now, especially when tired and depresssed, but I have so many regrets and culpability for relapsing every time that this struggle is pulling what little energy I have left.... I keep trying again everytime I relapse, but that makes me so sad, I would like so much to be a better myself, but I say to myself, why? I have no one, and dating is only getting worse and worse since covid, that the hope of finding someone and getting back a normal life is out of reach for me, so this motivation not to relapse is not there....

Anyone in my situation? Sorry for the long text, I just wanted to explain my situation..

 

Thank you, I keep trying...

 

Thank you for the tip... I try to do that... But when I'm tired, lonely, bored, very hard to resist....It's like a way to stop the sorrow... I don't feel real urges most of the time when I relapse...

 

Thank you, you are right, I'm very isolated with very little social interaction due to teleworking since 2 1/2 years and friend having theirs lives, so I end up alone 99% of the time.... Never thought I would go through that in my life one day... And it's been 9 years.... Dates, reject, being lied to... I gave my best to get out of my situation but with no results.. Still I try to stay hopeful though it's really not easy....

 

Thank you for your wise advice.... You made me realize that indeed I was not at point zero like I was in 2016... I stopped all other sexual behaviors I had at the time... No more stripper clubs, fuck friends and alcohol drinking only when watching porn to increase the thrill since 2016... I had realized those victories before, but you made them more clear and rewarding this morning....

I'm really motivated and decided that the relapse at Christmas was the last one of my life... I don't want to start 2023 the way I started previous years... I would like so much to celebrate my first year ''clean'' from porn at Christmas 2023... That would be the best Christmas gift I will have ever got....

Thanks again for your comments...

 

Thank you for your comment... No I'm Canadian, but basically same thing as being American... My ex girlfriend used to share my passion for restoring old GMC trucks.... I hope secretly to find a woman who would be like her, not the typical girl who cares only about fashion and good looking table when having friends over for dinner.... You know what I mean... That has been an issue for me to meet an interesting girl over the last years.... I have very varied interests and passions, so meeting a woman who has none, or shares none with me, was a no go right off... Sometimes I wish I was more ''the regular guy''... But that's not me...

 

Many thanks for your comments.... It had a big impact on me... You're right... I must forget the last years and take it as the first attempt.... I really do not want to mess up 2023, just like I messed up the previous years.... I'm more motivated than ever.... Thank you again...

 

When you say after 300 days you experimented with orgasm, was it watching porn? If not it is not a relapse at all... 300 days is quite an achievement for the body and soul.... I do believe that like all human body organs, once in a while they must do what they are meant to do, otherwise it must not be too good for the health... Like like not walking, or not going to pee... At one point something will break! So I believe orgasm without any porn once in a while is healthy and natural. I really look forward to get to 300 days like you, it's quite an achievement you've done, you should be damn proud of yourself!!!