Had a reset today, sadly. Not much to note as it was the same as any typical reset. Although I did avoid binging even though I wanted to. It’s so often on the weekends, it seems.
I faced quite a bit of temptation today, stemming mostly from a wet dream that got interrupted by my alarm this morning. I kept thinking about it throughout the day and fought the urge to MO. I resisted today. I thought about where I want to be many years from now, who I want to become, and how MO is only going to rob me of precious free time and energy I need to grow and get to where I want to be. I said to myself, “I can either do the same thing as I always do, or I can decide I’m going to honor God with my body. I can start today.” Those tempting thoughts were pushed away and I firmly decided no MO today. Hallelujah! This day was not lost. I need to continue this way.
Had a few hiccups since I last wrote; I reset today after making it about a week. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve found myself troubled by the lack of grief I sometimes have after a reset. I feel like I move on so quickly after acknowledging that I messed up. Maybe this is a good thing since I shouldn’t dwell on it and make myself feel horrible when I’ve been forgiven, but at the same time I know that it’s right to feel bad about sin, especially since it grieves the Lord’s spirit. Maybe I’ve gotten too used to it after all these years of falling again and again. Desensitized? It doesn’t hit me the way it should. Of course, sometimes I will cry over it and feel genuinely frustrated, but most times I’ll feel almost nothing at all, apologize, and my mind has drifted to something else. I don’t like this way of handling it but I don’t know what to do. I want to live right for God and please Him. When my emotions don’t seem to align with what I know, I get concerned about what it means. I don’t think I’m ingenuine or lying about how I care… but I don’t feel it! I do, however, feel moved to pray now over it. Even if I don’t feel negative emotions that punish this sin in the psychological sense, I can still connect with God and talk to Him about my missteps, repent, ask Him for strength… etc. I still have the obligation to get right with Him regardless of the level of “guilt” felt. Still, this is such a strange thing to be faced with.
We are odd, complex creatures, aren't we? Never doubt this truth: Hardship is the pathway to peace. Onward.
Careful not to lean into condemning yourself after you have repented and asked forgiveness. John 3:17 says that Jesus wasn't sent into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him. Paul writes, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. We can mourn sin, acknowledge brokenness, and turn to the Lord to seek restoration. We place our trust into the finished work of the cross and resurrection. If then, you have been forgiven, dwelling in a perpetual state of shame will keep you from experiencing the abundant life Jesus gives us.
This is very well said. Hardship is the pathway to peace. We've got to sacrifice and take healthy risks in life + rewire to break free. Something I've been reflecting and applying on in my own healing journey.
Doing better today, learning to forgive myself more freely and not trying to dwell on negative feelings. I think the sooner I move on from each reset, it actually is better. I need to focus on next steps and what I can do better. Can’t be stuck in what has already happened. I always learn something that ends up helping me make it longer in the future. It’s a nice day today. I thank God for a new day. I think this will be a good week for me.
I got a bird feeder a little bit ago and finally put it up. I sat on the couch early in the morning before anyone else was up and watched by the window with some coffee. A few little hummingbirds came. It was delightful. Only early in the morning is my head fully clear and I get to truly meditate. No urges as of yet, which I’ll enjoy while I can. I think finding new hobbies is in store for me, especially since I’ve now recently graduated college. It’s been a whirlwind balancing it all and still finding time to come here. I need to find a better job so I can eventually move out and feel more freedom and privacy for healing. Pray for me for this.
Gardening and the like. The little bird feeder is a start. I really want to grow flowers and veggies some day but the sun beats down so hot here that I don’t know if I can help them live. I have no experience with it, it just seems like something nice to do with my hands and it will get me outside. It would be like partaking with creation.
