Logbook and progress- New start after being away

@startover90
Congrats on taking that step. It helps.

I am honestly not doing so well. I am overworking myself at the moment, which is stressful, so I have MO'd a couple times and even PMO'd last night. I am like a hamster on a wheel that can't seem to get off of it with my job. It's too much, but things should slow down in a few weeks.

Right now especially after my failed relationship, I am unfortunately in the mindset of "I am too screwed up anyways, what's the point of trying". I know it is false and only hurting me. Changing long ingrained beliefs is not easy to do, though.
What can I do to change this belief and have it result in more happiness and better relationships? (And most of all no more PMO?)
1. Identify my core values and what is really important to me.
2. Focus on those things.
3. Review my trigger feelings and situations that lead me to relapse. Avoid them.

I have done a similar exercise before, and the above is a very simplified way of explaining this, as both lists will have several points and action items. I am going to think about this today and make a list later. I am basically wanting to replace bad habits with good ones.

I want to get on a streak again. It is motivating. It is empowering. I want to move forward and find happiness again like when I was on my long streak.

 

So busy right now with work. I am exhausted all of the time. Not a good formula for well being. I reset again today.

All I know is I do not like my life right now. I am numbing my sorrow and guilt and self-hate with non-constructive outlets like overworking myself, PMO, and the like. What do I do to get off this ride? I want things to change, but I don't know where to start again. I feel closer to rock bottom than I ever have. I want to do something drastic, but I look at all of the good positive steps I have taken like talking to close friends and trying to stay busy. It kind of all boils down to one thing: I don't want to be alone. I have never had a best friend- one that I am their closest confidant and support and they are mine- and I want it more than anything else. The problem is I hate myself so much (and always have, despite the love shown to me by certain ones) that I don't believe that I am worth someone's affection. A deep feeling that I am no good for anyone, essentially worthless. How do I change? How can I truly love myself for who I am?

First and foremost, I need more sleep and to take better care of myself physically. I want to start meditating for 10 minutes everyday. I need to really spend some time thinking about what really is important, what are my true needs, obligations, and desires, and structure my life around those things. Trim the fat. Get some goals that are challenging yet truly realistic. Rest more. Laugh more. Spend more time outside relaxing. Say "no" when I don't want to do something.

I am tired, so going to bed. Tomorrow I will hopefully be able to start wrapping my head around this.

 

I am suffering from burnout. I just researched it and have the symptoms. Fatigue, emotional and physical exhaustion, cynicism, back and muscle aches, getting angry at everything, forgetfulness, social withdrawal, lack of interest in life...

I thought I was just going through a tough time after the breakup and with being busy with work, but this is more serious. The stress and feelings of uselessness, being overwhelmed, and basically being a loser have led me to returning to PMO to get temporary relief. Of course, we all know that afterwards the net effect is negative. It is like throwing gasoline on the fire- more stress, wasted time, and isolation.

But BURNOUT? Really? I am a little relieved to know that there is an explanation to the dark place I am in, but I am kind of at a loss as to what to do. Do I sell everything and leave the country like I was thinking of doing before I met the girl? Do I try and scale back and lead a simpler life here? Do I just get more help to do what is on my plate now? Help is coming soon in the form of employees to help with the daily grind, but I am still ultimately responsible for my business and the stresses associated with it.

I don't want to look back five years from now and see that I kept doing this to myself when I knew it was killing me inside and out. I want to make that leap of faith and just jump out there, trusting in God and that he will care for me if I do what is right. It's hard to do when I feel worthless and guilty about all the things I have done. (This is self inflicted and unbalanced guilt, I know. But it IS still there, nonetheless.) How do I learn to see value in me without being perfect? I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try that I will still run back to PMO. That no matter how awesome the girl is or great things are going (should I get back into a relationship) that I will ultimately screw it up. Negative self talk. It's all I hear in my inner dialogue.

These are the thoughts that I grapple with now. I want to do better.

 

I have installed filters and still can find a way around them.

Thinking back on my successful periods, I was only successful because I had hope for the future. Right now I am kind of lost in terms of what is next and what my goals are. No direction, so PMO is a time/ emotional filler.

I guess I am going to just turn off my router and put it in the closet unless I really need to use the internet. I can check my email on my phone, which I have setup with K9 protection and I cannot remember the PIN. It is in a drawer, but I hope to not look at it.

I need to get back to the gym. It was a big + in my success before.

I'm sorry to all of you that were following me and my success and positive outlook with inspired hearts and minds. I am letting myself and you down with the present failures. I know that deep down I am better than this.

 

Thanks @peregrinnus I needed the kind words.

Well I am back here after two days and I do not have to reset, so that is a plus. I think I am turning the corner again. I have been spending time with close friends and feeling the love, and I have real goals in front of me again to aspire to. Things that I really want and that are dependent on me, not others. They involve daily practice and are rewarding on a deep level. To that end, I drew my three circles and filled them in. It helps a lot to organize thoughts and understand one's actions.

On a side note, my ex gf and I are still in contact, and I find it to be very healing to have that friendship still. We may never become a couple again, but the fact that we both have respect and a genuine interest in each other's well being means a lot to me.

I have a long day planned tomorrow, so I am off to bed. Good night, fellow fapstronauts.

 

I have been gone for a while. Feeling better about life, but not much progress in terms of not fapping and porn.
Trying to get back on the wagon, so checking in.

 

I am back, this time because I feel like crap, been playing a lot lately and not taking care of myself- worn out. PMO has been hit and miss. Yesterday I had a session when I came home after spending a few days with friends- loneliness again. I am tired of being alone and feeling empty. I want to get more sleep again and exercise more again. There is a girl I like, and I want to have the confidence to pursue her. I want my superpowers back.

It will be difficult, but i have to try. I am more willing to do the work, to be vulnerable, and to be stronger than I have ever been. I see how my good friends/role models treat their women- unashamed caring and self sacrifice. They give love and receive it. I am done living in this emptiness.

Aside from relationships, I want to live my identity instead of doing what I feel forced to do. The most unhappiness I feel is when I am not true to my inner values and beliefs. PMO goes against all of these. Going to check in daily again.
On the table today:
Work a little, go to the store, go back to the gym, cook, eat right, meditation, read something spiritual, clean the house some, go to bed early
I have to start taking care of myself again.

 

I cannot believe I am almost at a week. Time is flying.

I had a deep conversation with someone I respect yesterday. He asked me about my plans for the future. He basically gave me a kick in the butt. Quit wasting time. You want to get married? Go look for a woman. You want to do more spiritually- focus a little and apply yourself. Invest in the present. Be there for the people who need you where you are now. Basically told me he cared a ton, but that I was not reaching my potential. First time we ever talked like that. I gained a close friend.

Big meeting later this week. I may be making a business deal that will give me some amazing freedom and options. So I am anxious about that.

I also have developed a crush on a girl and am trying to get to know her on the down low with mixed success. I don't know if now is a good time for that or not, but she may not even be interested anyways. Just have to be patient and be myself. In the meantime not knowing how she feels is super stressful.

I have been spending some time on MBTI and have discovered a ton about myself, what type of people I do well around, and what type of woman is a good fit for me. I know I am not alone in the way I process and see things, and that there are actually other people not like me that thrive when I am around them. I have also learned that I need to be around people to survive, but then I also need to withdraw and have alone time to recharge and process. That I yearn to find a soul mate that I can explore and grow with. On the bad side- I am actually pretty unhealthy emotionally (not surprisingly) and need to teach myself how to relax and enjoy life more. I'm still digging, but I am looking for practical things I can use to help myself out.

Still going strong. Waiting for the spike in T that comes around a week. Need to avoid all triggers.

 

It has been 7 years since my last post in this thread. Here's an update on my life.
I sold a flourishing business for a good chunk of change and moved overseas. Then the pandemic hit and I returned to my home country. I had another major operation in the middle of the pandemic. Being isolated and feeling sorry for myself took its toll and I had many relapses. I did not fall back into heavy porn use and avoided hardcore porn for the most part. But I felt awful again. I eventually reached another crossroads and started therapy again with a doctor that I already respect for. It was a revelation to have someone to listen to me and be a friend. I had a lot of unresolved issues (family trauma, low self esteem, fear of intimacy) that we were able to work through together. I hardly ever used porn and felt at peace for the most part. After about a year, we both decided that it was time for me to go alone again. That was a month ago. Two weeks later I had a relapse. I know exactly why it happened and am using it as a lesson learned. (self sabotage is the next issue I am unraveling). I still feel like I need to work on this alone. Therapy can almost become a crutch once one has made a lot of progress. I believe that I am up for the challenge and have the "bandwidth" to sort through it and apply working principles to myself.

I am writing this to let you all know that the process is ongoing. There will likely always be more to learn about ourselves and why we feel certain feelings and do certain things. The key is being mindful and honest with ourselves. I now see an amazing opportunity to work on self sabotage and grow more. It's as if I took 100 steps forward during my therapy and a couple steps back when I relapsed. All is not lost. I am still making progress. Remember that. Keep moving forward. Reflect, learn, adjust, repeat.

I have started visiting this site again and journaling. Instead of looking only at the goals I have set for myself a year from now, I work on doing the small things today that will lead me to reaching those goals. (S.M.A.R.T. goals) Daily focus is what it takes, not daydreaming and hoping about next year. I am in a headspace now that does not overreact to ups and downs and can process things better, including resets. In the past weeks since my reset I had a few difficult days, but I have decided to move forward and be positive. Fall forward, as they say.

Here is where I am at-
I am 43, single, and very successful. I started another business a couple years ago, and it is doing even better than the first one I already sold. I am good looking, and in good shape (working out daily again, so should only be more fit as time goes by). I like people and volunteer a lot. I care and am empathetic and generous. I have many good friends. A few that I really trust know about my struggle with porn, which is liberating. I have eliminated social media and limit my screen time. Women find me attractive and flirt with me regularly, and gay men also hit on me, so I have evidence that I am desirable. I am able to travel and have some really cool hobbies. I speak multiple languages and am learning another one right now. I am a great dancer and have a great singing voice. I play multiple musical instruments. I am planning on going back to school in January and adding another degree for a possible career change that will allow me to work remotely and potentially move to an area with more social activity, perhaps overseas again. I live in a smaller city in a generally rural part of the country, which makes meeting quality available women in my age group difficult, so that is a motivator for me to travel and perhaps move again. I mention all of these things not to brag, but to help me to remember that I have a ton to offer, in spite of my imperfections. And a lot to look forward to. A pep talk, if you will.

Over the past year I have regularly MO'd, usually to porn substitutes, with occasional porn use. I almost always edged. Over the last 9 months I have seen porn maybe 4 or 5 times, which is not horrible, but enough to mess with my mind and hold me back from complete victory and getting what I really want. The one thing missing from my life is close companionship. I want a girlfriend and to hopefully get married. I want to be a stable, mindful, strong, caring, capable man. Honestly I feel like I am those things, but the porn history really messes with me sometimes. the guilt and shame are crippling to hopes and dreams. Shame and self sabotage have kept from cultivating an intimate relationship and letting myself stand out and going for the life I truly want. I know that now. So I am working on it.

I am letting go of perfection and letting myself be "me", which strangley has alleviated so much of the pressure I was feeling before and that was driving my desire to MO/PMO. Once I recognized this I lost the desire to act out. A few days ago I even started to search for some nonnude imagery to look at and perhaps masturbate to (habit), but once the images came up I had no desire to look at them and closed the browser. (I have a filter that makes accessing porn more diffcult, but non-porn subs can be accessed easily.)I really don't want anything to do with any of it at this point. I am expecting a testosterone spike in a few days that might make me feel horny, but that is energy I want to channel, not quickly waste. I'll probably then flat line for a few weeks and at around a month get extremely horny. I've been through those phases before. I am prepared and feel excited to go through them because it means I am healing again.

I think down the road I will look back at this last reset and recognize it as another key turning point in my journey. I already sense a deep change or epiphany has taken place in me. I notice that I have been looking deeply into peoples' eyes when I talk to them and the interactions I am having with them are remarkable and meaningful. Part of me is afraid to say it beacuse we all know how relapses go- as soon as you feel great then we mess up- but this time genuinely feels very different. It is as if my perspective is from afar looking at a timeline of my life and I can see all of the lows and relapses and how things happened and played out, and I am not going to repeat the past.

Watch me, and see how this all plays out. I am not afraid to be amazing and to be noticed.

Edit- a few hours later.
My business is a service industry. This afternoon I had a difficult client flip out on me. I was super nice and tried to work with them, but they were just awful. I wanted to fire them, and was a bit relieved when they told me it was over- just a stressful situation. The whole thing trigggered anxiety. I had to ask myself- why is it that even when people are in the wrong and I am doing everything right, it still eats away at me and causes deep anxiety when there is confrontation or discord? I had to go back to my parents and the stress I felt from them and the dysfunction they caused and projected. I recognize the why, but I still wanted to zone out and numb, and I started to look at p-subs again. But I stopped. I know I'll feel worse, and it won't change a thing that already happened. I have hundreds of nice clients that appreciate me and my company and I have positive interactions with them. Why should some random Karen rob me of my positive vibes? So I am going to let it go. In a day or two I won't even think about it.

 

I did some more reflecting on why I felt anxious when that lady flipped out on me for no real reason. I thought maybe it is because I don't like confrontation. But then I realized that can't be true because I confront people regularly if I think it is needed. Then it dawned on me- I am an approval seeker. I have always tried to be perfect, and praise and achievements bolstered my self worth. Correction- they actually determined my self worth, which is extremely unhealthy. If I think someone has a negative opinion of me- for whatever reason, good or bad- it is like I feel compelled to win them over. A drive to please everyone all of the time. To impress, to get accolades. From an early age I was conditioned to do this, and it was a way for me to feel like I had some sort of power or control over others. When it comes to my parents, it was a way for me to feel like I could influence them and help keep them from their bad behaviors. "Maybe if I am perfect they will love me more and stop drinking, being nervous wrecks, stop having shame and anxiety, etc." Of course, they were like that for reasons not associated with me at all, and I was not the person to save them. I was just a kid.
Last night I told myself that it was not my fault that lady was a douche. And then I told myself it was not my fault my parents messed up. Nothing I did caused them to be the way they were. I never felt truly unconditional love. All of my life I have been trying to win people over. I have never felt as if I deserved love just for being me. It was cathartic. It seems so cliche and makes me think of the scene in "Good Will Hunting" when Robin Williams is hugging Matt Damon and telling him "It's not your fault", but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

 

Sure enough, feeling horny this morning, right at one week after last reset. Testosterone is higher today. I slept 9.5 solid hours last night and feel very good. I looked at some p-subs for about 20 minutes just now, but really wasn't feeling like it was worth MOing. The cons just outweight the pros. So going to keep busy today and use my energy in the gym.

Evening edit-
I had a nice afternoon out with friends and can honestly say I feel happy again, in spite of my reset last week. I made a mistake, and I learned from it. There is no shame in that. I did go to the gym and really pushed myself. Thinking about my future, attracting the highest quality woman that I can and basically wearing myself out so I will sleep hard. I caught a young lady watching me and she looked away sheepishly, which felt good. The hard work is worth it. I've put in a lot already, and I am going to put in a lot more. I am relishing the process, this time focusing on the inside out.

 

I MO'd last night after 9 days. I have been looking briefly at p-subs the last couple days and eventually gave in. Unlike PMO, I did not feel extremely anxious afterwards. I did feel some anxiety, though. I didn't edge either, so that is a plus. I had been MOing every couple days, so this is a step forward. Not going to give into a chaser today, and blocked the site I was on.

I appreciate the need to change my mental focus and not entertain sexual thoughts and avoid all arousing imagery, porn or not. Sounds like a broken record, I know.

A big plus is that I still feel pretty good, just not as good as yesterday morning before the reset. The better I feel and the more confidence I have when I abstain is motivation not to MO. The fact that I actually stopped myself a few times is a real development. I know I can reject the thoughts, now just have to be more consistent.
Reflect, Learn, Adjust, Repeat.

Afternoon edit- feeling the swing on the depression side after the reset. This is the crappy part, but have to push through. I went to the gym and worked out hard again. I keep telling myself "It will get better. It will pass." I know it will. The waiting sucks, though.

 

I relapsed today- MO'd. I made it to 12 days. I am very tired from doing some physical work yesterday (landscaping), and was watching an old western movie this morning. The actress was extremely beautiful to me, and I wanted to know who she was, so I googled her. No porn or P-subs even, but I got extremely turned on and ended up masturbating. I did not edge, so it was over fairly quickly.
I felt a little depleted, tired afterwards, but that has been it. No fog, no extreme guilt. I immediately showered then went and met up with some friends and had no ill effects at all in my social interactions. Still felt confident and really connected to people. I definitely want to keep trying for hard mode long term, but it seems like my brain has pretty much fully healed since I have cut out porn from my life, with the exception of a rare slip up. Of course, porn is not an option for me, and I do realize that if I start habitually masturbating and give up trying to eliminate it, it is likely I will go back to p-subs and eventually porn.
On the website yourbrainonporn.com there are a lot of studies for review. One such was dealing with the benefits of quitting porn. Here is a list of some of the benefits, all of which I have found to be true in my case. I am a better person without it, and love my life now in comparison to what it was with porn.

1. Abstaining from pornography and masturbation increases the ability to delay rewards
2. Participating in a period of abstinence renders people more willing to take risks
3. Abstinence renders people more altruistic
4. Abstinence renders people more extroverted, more conscientious, and less neurotic

 

Well, my one time masturbating turned into three times in two days. The second and third time I looked at P-subs. So here I am with a reset, and one could argue relapse for what I am trying to accomplish. Definitely feel a difference in my motivation and energy level now, and not in a good way. I guess it ain't called HARD MODE for nothing.

I really want to sustain no M, or MO for many months so I can see what it feels like. I know how I feel when i get a few weeks under my belt, and it is pretty damn amazing. Confident, calm, energetic, connected, strong. It is going to take me about a week to start feeling that again in a discernable way.

 

I have to reset. In the last couple weeks I have slipped on multiple occasions. It started after I went to a friend's wedding. There was a young lady there that had been really into me for a couple years , but I am twice her age (she is 22 and I am 43). Because of the generation gap I had never asked her out even though I think she is great and extremely beautiful- in my mind it just doesn't make sense with the age gap. It felt weird and I though I could end up patronizing her. I don't really care for mellenial thinking, either. I hate social media and pretty much stopped keeping up with pop culture a few years ago. Anyways- she was there with her fiance. Seeing her and being at the wedding made me feel pretty sad that I am still single. Made me feel regret over all of the chances I missed when I was younger. Now that I am older, my options for someone age appropriate are somewhat limited where I live. Even at the wedding, I had hoped to maybe meet someone, but the only women that I found attractive were already hitched. Come to think of it, there were only a couple single women there that were full grown adults. Everyone else was married or under the age of 23. I got pretty sick for a couple weeks after that with a respitory infection, which got me out of the gym and at home more, which made things worse.

Anyways- those negative feelings cut pretty deep. One slip has turned into several, and not just P subs. I have watched some hardcore stuff now, which is alarming. I had a drink on two occasions, and ended up PMOing afterwards, so no alchohol as it removes my inhibitions. I am refocusing. About to hit the gym again and am going to be more mindful of what I am doing and my feelings.

I am going back to school in January to pursue another degree since I have the finances and my business is running smooth enough for me have the time. I think studying and interacting with people in that setting may be helpful, too.

My plan is to get some job skills that I enjoy that will give me the flexibility of selling or leaving my business if I decide to do so and move somewhere else with more social opportunities. Perhaps work remotely. Though I make a lot of money now, I am stuck living here.

That's where I stand now. Going to push through as I have before.