Hopfully this isn’t in the wrong section, but I would like a males opinion. My husband has gotten better and better at hiding over the years. He has lied to me more than I can count. I’ve always managed to trust him again, but this time it has been over a year and I still cannot. Probably due to the circumstances around the last lie. So I am not sure if I am paranoid or if I am on to something. Morning times are when my husband “needs” you know...it....but he gets up at 4am and I am not a morning person.....I know he Ms in the morning around that time. I’ve noticed a pattern of him looking at GIPHY in the mornings when he wakes up when he is Needing it probably doing M. It isn’t exactly always at the same time so I know it isn’t the app just doing something at the same time every day and on the weekends he sleeps in and I notice a lot of activity during the time he wakes up. I went in looked at his search history in the app and it has all been deleted. This is the number one reason I suspect it. He is not one to delete stuff unless he is hiding something. I can’t be certain what he is looking at. For all I know he texts the same person a gif every morning, but why delete it. I asked him if there is anything he is doing that he knows would hurt me etc. He has surprised me with his great ability to lie in the past to the point that I nearly thought I was losing it even when I had undeniable proof. So this time I made sure to pay close attention and look him in the eyes. I don’t feel like he was being honest and he is using technicality’s to lie to me. When I got more specific in my questions he seemed to get more nervous and started blinking a lot. Then answered my question with a question. I probably should have tried to catch him red handed...but I thought he would be honest this time. I haven’t told him what I know because I don’t want to help him hide stuff. Do you think I am being paranoid or am I on to something?
I left the room and told him to let me know if he wanted to tell the truth. Then I thought: I bet he goes and checks his search history on the app to see if he left something! So I checked and shortly after I left he got on giphy.
Hello. I've read through your predicament. You've been handling yourself pretty dang well so far. Personally, I think you might be on to something. Does this answer your question? Would you like for me to give a suggestion on what to do?
I would love a suggestion. It’s hard for me to maintain my cool but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I want to go shake him awake and demand answers.
Okay, good, keep track of that feeling. It sounds like you both need a time to talk to each other deeply. I'd suggest to talk if you two are in a long car ride together. You can start by asking the question on your mind, the thing that starts it all. Then you need to tell him why you've been felling that way, the kinds of things that have happened to make it so you find it hard to trust him. Tell him how you feel. If tears need to come out, let them come out, it all just packs into the emotion and serves to be a punch in the gut for the other person. Of course, don't forget to remind him that you still love him. You're not doing this because you want to attack him or play the victim, you're doing this because you love him and want to be with him and to trust him, but it's hard for you because it seems like he's been lying and not being very truthful to you. A relationship takes two people to work together, but how can they do that if trust is a big issue and nobody knows what's going on with the other. This is the kind of stuff my Mom would do with me when she would confront me. ...Then again I'm only 17, so feel free to take all of this with a grain of salt.
Thank you for the suggestion and advice. I really appreciate it. I will try that. I think he will hide it at all cost though. Honestly I promised myself I would leave him if I found out again. Well I found out a MONTH after we got married that he never stopped and just got better at hiding it. How could he something he knew hurts me ALOT when he is planning on walking down the isle with me. I just feel jipped I think. I know I would have left if we didn’t get married. That’s probably why I can’t trust him and feel paranoid.
And I just checked his phone. Not only did he check the app when I left he closed it out. He doesn’t close stuff out....
Oh my gosh, I don't know the guy and already he's starting to get on my nerves. I hope you two can talk about things together openly.
So there's porn on GIPHY? I had no idea. Maybe he's hiding something or maybe he isn't. I'm a bit of a fussy person and delete my search history because I've misspelt something or just seeing it annoys me but unfortunately, there are times I've search p-subs on social media and then delete it. That might mean he's lying but it might mean he isn't. I've heard people say police make them nervous, such people have never broken the law but just walking past a police officer makes them nervous. I admit I'm one of those people. This is what a retired police commander says about this on Quora: To most people, police officers are an unknown power. The uniform, the leather, the mirror sunglasses, the star, the gun, the loud/flashy car, the radio, the semi-foreign language, the "brotherhood". These things are not everyday items for most people (...ok, maybe the leather is more common that I give it credit). Some of us are told by our parents when we were little kids that if we don't behave the policeman will take us away. Or we saw one take daddy or mommy away. Everyone has heard at least one "true" story of a bad police officer doing something terrible to an innocent person. So, a lot of people fear the police. Sometimes that fear turns to hatred. That is something we have taken great steps to reduce. Maybe your husband views you as some sort of police officer. He shouldn't but some men are scared of their wives. They wouldn't admit it but some men view their SO as an opponent in a boxing ring and when they get asked questions they feel like they're being repeatedly punched in the face in the corner of the ring hoping for the bell to ring to end the round so they can recover in their corner. It's not healthy to view your SO like that but some men feel like that. I'm not married but in my past relationships, I would hate it when my girlfriends would ask intense questions. I would feel like they were out to get me.
It sounds like you are onto something. If I was in your place I wouldn't be trusting either. Do you have any boundaries in place? If not work on that. Talk with him, but don't beat around the bush. Ask simple, direct questions. Don't accept evasive answers.
He sent me this this morning “There is inappropriate stuff on gyphy , I dont masturbate to it, I deleted it. i LOVE YOU!” Then he told me he doesn’t delete his search history. I suppose it magically disappears on its own.... he said he did check it last night because he was trying to figure out what I was talking about. Yet he still denies any wrong doing. I just don’t believe him. Maybe I am paranoid because of the years and years of him lying to me. Either way I don’t believe a word he says.
Oh the he started finger pointing and asking me what my issue is etc. Not surprised at all. Which is why I am usually scared to ever ask him anything at all.
Turning the tables, blame, playing the victim, gas lighting. They are all standard tools of an addict. (Takes one to know one) Trust yourself. You aren’t stupid or crazy. If you think something is going on, it probably is.
Thank you! That is my plan. I’m done investing time into wondering what he is hiding. At this point I know he is hiding something, who cares what it is. I also don’t think it will ever stop so what’s the point of me caring anymore. I’m going to divert my efforts into fixing myself and all the self-confidence and other issues this has caused. As well as concentrating on healthy things that will bring me joy.