Breaking the Habit

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by Solomon435, Aug 7, 2018.

  1. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut


    This is going to be my journal for my experience of going without PMO. Thank you for having an interest in my adventure and sticking with me.

    To be honest, this is seriously nerve wracking. I've tried going without the habit before, and the withdrawal kicked my butt every time. The longest I've gone pre-NoFap is eight days, and that was after confessing to my ecclesiastical leader my problem.

    But now that I'm part of a group that can provide support and love, I'm more confident in my journey.

    My primary motivation for stopping is largely out of fear. I'm scared of my siblings finding out what I've been doing, I avoid dating and serious out of family relationships because I don't want to be seen as gross or a bad person. I'm scared that if I do get in a relationship the girl I'm with may hate me or not love me anymore if she knew I have problems with PMO. Of course, even when I do succeed in my 90 days, I'd still be scared of telling. I've seen in many relationships that when an individual in a relationship finds out about a partner's past mistakes then the relationship is ruined and the individual's view of the partner is shattered forever and they can never trust each other again, even when the partner has changed for years and is dedicated to a better life.

    That's what I don't want to experience. Though I imagine I'm already too late for the last one, I want to change. I want to be able to succeed in this challenge and be able to openly come out to my family and the special loved one. I know I can't make them think of me in some way, but I hope I can be seen as a strong person who was able to rise against the temptations and has a great success story documented on this site rather than a past PMO user who just decided to stop. And hopefully if I do have children my experiences can help them out on their own success story.

    I think a theme for this journal has gotta be either Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" or Linkin Parks' "Breaking the Habit." Both are pretty good songs to show how I feel about all of this.

    Anyway that's the start of my journy as described right here. Thank you for sticking around and I hope you enjoy the adventure.

    Edit 12/22/18


    This journal does contain use of language (as it's a journal anyone can comment on) open references to fetishes, genitals and topics some may be uncomfortable with, whether by religion or personal triggers, to name a few. If you are a user on the site I hope this journal doesn't trigger you or gives you difficulty for your own streaks.

    If you know me personally, like if you are a friend, family member, future spouse or children, please read this journal with an open mind, and know that how you see me after reading this will change. Please be respectful and do not jump to conclusions. I'll glad to answer any questions you may have, but please do not think of me less than you do. Remember, I love you all and if you are reading this than that means I've placed my utmost trust in you with something personal to me.

    Also know that this is a journal about growth and change. Views and opinions expressed are likely to change. If I or any of my readers have had beef with you I just had a bad day, do not take it personally, please.

    Thank you.
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2019
  2. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Day 1

    Nothing too bad yet. Got very minor urges, but it was nothing a little music or working on a project couldn't fix.

    I had my first problem when I went to bed last night. If you read my intro post I use MO as a sort of sleeping pill to help me get to sleep, since I have so much energy and a desire to work late at night. I've decided to switch over to Melatonin to help me sleep.

    So far so good. I know it's gonna get harder the further I go, but I'm gonna keep tying.
  3. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Day 2

    The past two days have been pretty slow. There were no big plans, no travels, the only work related thing being training for new rides as a Ride Operator. Luckily I've been able to always be in the company of my large family, and thoughts couldn't stick around.

    It was like this until nighttime. I did have some urges, but I didn't give into them. However, I realized one chilling fact about the challenge; I have no access to NoFap or anything to help with urges.

    See, my computer locks out at 23:00 (Midnight on weekends), and my phone is set to be turned in to my parents' room to charge every night (for good intentions), so that means that nighttime, when I need it most, is gonna be gone.

    See, when you get urges during the day you can go to this site or press the emergency button to help you out. It's kinda like a game where you are trying to avoid the 'killer' (PMO addiction) and you're trying to avoid and escape (not giving in to urges). During the day, I've got lots of friends and resources to keep my steak going, but that's all gone at night. No website. No emergency button. Just a 1 on 1 with me and the creature. It's gotten to a point where now I'm almost praying I go to sleep as fast as I can, what with only melatonin to help me out. It's starting to get a little crazy, but I hope I can do this.

    On a side note, I had a sexualized dream last night, but I guess it didn't work since I didn't wake up stiff. Looks like a good sign!

    Let's see how day 3 is gonna go.
  4. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Ha, going through the journal and now I'm noticing the subtle mistakes autocorrect makes while speed typing.

  5. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Day 3

    Things started to get a little more difficult today. I woke up early and went to my last day of training. Now I won't be having to wake up too early in the morning anymore. Then I went to my computer and went to work on a lesson I would teach on Sunday when it happened.

    I suddenly remembered a picture I saw while doing P a long time ago. I got it out of my head and it just kept coming back over and over! I felt that urge to relapse to get it out of my head, but I kept going. It got to the point where I was seriously debating if I should restart for the sake of getting the picture out of my head. I even felt like going back to the website where most of the P I found came from. All I'd have to do is search for pregnancy pictures and away I'd go (not sure if that's a fetish or not, but I'm ready for it to stop, as well as the rest of P)

    So in a struggle I went to this website and hit that Panic Button so hard. I read a lot of quotes that helped me settle the dispute I had in my brain, but I decided that I needed more help.

    So I went and looked at some of the success stories people have had, and I learned some lessons today. I learned that there are three questions you can ask yourself if you feel like relapsing that one part of your brain will listen to. I can't recall correctly, but it said that one part of our brain controls primal instincts (like going for that dopameme rush) and one part that controls rational thinking. The three questions are meant for the rational part of the brain, so that even if the instinct doesn't feel any weaker, your rational side will take then seriously.

    I also learned that the urges we are getting will never go away. They are a part of everyone, whether they have to deal with PMO like we do or not. The urges we get do not necessarily have anything to do with sexual pleasure, but it's because we have a bunch of energy in our bodies that we need to get out, and our brains go for the quickest and most instantly gratifying way to get the energy out.

    So, as the success story goes on, the urges and feelings we get are good and natural, since we can use the energy to complete protects, do lots of exercise we want to do, and finally go on that date and interact with the other sex in the way we couldn't due to our PMO induced anxiety (so I can FINALLY feel good about going on a date!), and the works. It's good to feel aroused or get urges, as long as we have more healthier ways to deal with them rather than going PMO!

    I've definitely learned a lot today for my third day, and I'm excited to start feeling the good things that successful people feel. I'm eagerly looking for ways to dish out energy in more healthier and positive ways in the future.

    Nightime, and this time I took melatonin earlier than usual. Now that I've actually exercised and gotten some energy out, I fell asleep faster than usual. Though now I'm gonna have to be more careful brushing my teeth, since I'm 6'2" and the countertop is exactly at pleasure spot height. So if I'm not careful brushing my teeth could either feel too good it's bad, or it's gonna hurt like the devil.

    Anyway, still holding strong, now I'm working tomorrow. Have a great day with your own steaks, everyone!

    Oh, by the way, if any readers are interested, here are the three questions. I would recommend saving it on your phone or anywhere you can have quick access to:

    Will acting on this temptation bring you long term satisfaction, instant gratification, or both?

    How will you feel immediately after, several hours after, and the day after you act on this temptation?

    If you choose to act on this temptation, will it make your life better or worse?
  6. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I had a relapse. Last night I was feeling sick like I was about to throw up, and in my mind I said "just do MO, you usually feel better from sickness doing this."

    I wanted to keep my streak going, but it go so bad it was really starting to hurt. So I submitted.

    That only gave me temporary relief. Woke up not only with a broken 3 day steak, but also still feeling sick. It didn't make me feel good at all. Plus, the feel good energy I had when being with a girl I really liked is gone again. Now I just feel empty.

    This doesn't really make me feel happy. It doesn't even help to feel less sick. Now I have to experience a day 3 again.

    Well, wish me luck.
  7. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Also, I wrote an offline journal entry before I had a relapse. I spent so much time on it to just delete it, so I'll post a copy here, though void as it is.

    Day 4 (VOID)
    Things felt better today. I went to work and I did very well for it being my fourth day. Decided to spend my time on NoFap to welcome new users, celebrate some of your victories, sympathised with your losses, and thanked the users who inspired me or offered me support.

    I've been thinking about ways to get the energy from urges, and I'm thinking maybe I could try yoga or get better at break dancing, or just dancing in general.

    So I just went to work and had a great time, nothing too bad.

    Later I volunteered to be a mascot for my brother's baseball team, and I got to meet a lot of great people also dressed as mascots. One of them was a girl who was dressed as my character's wife, and she said we'd have to get to know each other very well for the role we're supposed to play as a married couple. We got to be really good friends and later she asked if I wanted to go to IHOP with her. I said yes, but she didn't show up.

    I felt really sad. I loved hanging out with her and I felt really good being with her. I know we'd only just met today, but I felt really good. I hadn't felt that way with a lady in a while, it felt like genuine fondness for a person.

    Could this be an effect of abstaining from PMO? Before I just treated everyone indifferent regardless of gender, and every time I call myself out on it I'd defend saying I'm "not interested in a relationship at the moment", but now I can start feeling good feelings that I haven't felt in a long time. It felt like I knew her and felt comfortable, and I felt genuine sadness I didn't even get her name (we called each other by our character name, so to her I'm Hoots and to me she's Holly) before she'd disappeared.

    But if NoFap has lead me to feel those feelings again then I know it's definitely something I want to commit to.

    (Sadly, I've also discovered that breastfeeding is a potential trigger, and using 'Ok Google' while driving alone at night is the same of using the internet alone at night. I'll definitely need to bump up on strictness)

    As far as urges went today was pretty chill, despite the fact that they really peaked at the best times. As I've said I'm trying to use the energy that prompts relapses with something else. It's helped me drive safely and more awake and helped survive being in a mascot suit for about four hours.

    So to those of you who read this journal I just wanna say thanks for sticking around and showing support.
  8. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Had another relapse. This time I had a killer headache and I already took Ibuprofen so I couldn't take Melatonin.

    I'm starting to see a pattern here. Whenever I'm hurt or sick I seek relief, even if it's temporary. Maybe I need to learn to be stronger against the bad things or find better ways to deal with them.
  9. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Going to try again, now I'm going to change things up a bit. My new rule is that I am not going to take any medication beyond 14:00 unless it's melatonin.

    Let's try this again...
  10. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Hey man, it was a pleasure reading your journal! First thing's first though:
    Honestly, whenever there's anything about nofap, relationships, having a better life, there is no such thing as too late.

    I know exactly what you mean, and in fact when I started nofap I wasn't even aware of how gross and bad I perceived myself. It was only after I stopped feeling that way that I noticed it.

    That's an interesting one. I felt the same way and to an extend still do. But it's not that I'm scared of telling - actually I've had really close friends (actually, just one) that I've trusted who I told, but I mostly don't tell anyone because it's just an awkward conversation to have. If there's ever reason to tell someone, I think I'll be able to.

    You seem to be doing quite well, only with some headaches and pains screwing around with you. I don't really have any suggestions for that, other than to stop taking all the unnecessary medications, hear me out. For instance, melatonin. You take it to be able to sleep but you're just pumping your body with chemicals that can't naturally be there, otherwise you wouldn't need the pills lol. But any sort of thing like that is gonna put the body under some strain, and overall impact your health negatively. If you can't sleep, why don't you start reading at night? It's a fun hobby and relaxing. That's just my advice, of course a bit biased since I've grown to not want to put anything in my body except water and what I can find in the kitchen. But nonetheless I look forward to following your journey!
    Becoming Jasmine and Solomon435 like this.
  11. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I never thought of it like that before. I've always wanted to be able to sleep without medication, but I haven't had the time to actually search for an answer. I'll have to do that sometime. Thanks having an interest in the journal. :)
    OrangeJuice13 likes this.
  12. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Glad to be a help mate. We're both fighting this together, it's only natural to want to give a helping hand if you can :)
    Solomon435 likes this.
  13. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Had another relapse (wow, three days in a row. I stink at this :) ). Woke up real sleepy and got bored.

    However, I have been thinking about how I got into this whole PMO problem in the first place. How I may have gotten the two strange attractions to pregnancy and breastfeeding, or really any other maternal trait. I don't remember being attracted to those when I was little, so something potentially traumatizing happened between when I was little and today to have that added problem.

    My theory is that it's all coming from my feelings of inferiority on the basis of my sex.

    See, my mom wears her mothership status like a badge of pride. And not in the way like she's proud to have me and my siblings as her children, but pride as in she gave birth to us and she feels like she's part of some kind of Goddess pantheon made exclusively of mothers. Now whenever we get hurt she tells us to suck it up and deal with it, "you don't know pain" she says (a grill exploded in my face last year and I came in with burns on my hands and face, and hair got singed. It hurt really bad and she told me just to deal with it because I don't know what it's like to hurt, but she's never been kicked between the legs before). I've always felt like I'm not worth very much in the long run, since the general attitude of my mom and the community I live in seems to be that "the male percussion is just a sperm bank. After that you can toss them out, moms are the only ones that matter anyway. Who cares, he did this to you, why should be have respect. Women never really want kids anyway, it's always the Dad that wants them. Slam him at every possibility by reminding him that you carried his child and that he should be the butt-monkey of the relationship. You should be a goddess. If he treats you any less than that or speaks up he is disloyal and an awful person" and more.

    It's not only around here, it's everywhere in the media. Books, movies, television, they've all got that attitude. They're in a loving relationship until their first child. Then the Dad is a waste of space and an idiot, and the mom thinks so too.

    I guess this has created awful self imagery and general feelings of hopelessness. It makes me feel like I'm doomed to being in a relationship where I'm treated like trash for making children we both wanted. It could also be another reason I'm afraid of relationships, I don't want to be something that loses value after the first kid.

    I guess this whole thing ties in with me imagining I had that kind of respect for bearing children. I imagine I'd have that kind of respect and love from the masses by doing something that's regarded as the greatest thing anyone can do. I feel horrible about it later, since I'm only feeding the bad imagery and bad self esteem I get from having a Y chromosome.

    Maybe it's something I should talk about, but I don't know who to talk to. Everyone in my community just accepts it and considers it natural, and to them I look like a heretic.

    But I know I can talk about my problems here and be comfortable with it. Everyone on here is going through their own difficulties, so I know I can be safe here.

    Thanks for existing guys. If you made it all the way down here after that huge text dump, you should get an award. :)

    Also, sorry for the third relapse and no progress. Now that I've gotten a huge burden off my chest by telling a story, I should be making good progress.
  14. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Found a rockstar quote by Gandhi using the Relapsed section of the Panic Button:

    "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
  15. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Day 1

    It was my day off, so I decided to spend it doing some projects and chores I needed to do.

    I emptied out my backpack and folder for the upcoming first day of school, and I got my laundry started. All while rocking out to some great tunes! I've got a playlist playing some really cool 80s Classic Rock. "Another One Bites the Dust", "Ballroom Blitz", "Final Countdown", and a little "Nightmare on My Street" because I am excited for October, and more really cool ones!

    Plus, I guess it helps to remember some of the good memories I've had.
  16. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Wow bro, I'm really, truly sorry to hear that you have to deal with behaviour like this. Thankfully in my household, and overall in my culture, such a perspective is rarely held, actually scratch rarely - never*. If somebody acted in such an arrogant, holier than thou attitude, they would straight up get ostracized. I'm sorry to say that about your mother but from a completely objective standpoint, her own selfishness has affected you in an extremely negative way and she doesn't deserve to call herself a mother if she truly believes that her words are for the best. Having said that, she is your mother nonetheless, the only one you'll ever have, and you need to find a way to love her no matter what. But something I've learnt throughout my time in nofap is: you can never love anybody else until you first learn to love yourself. It's the key ingredient in any self improvement scheme my man; you have to develop the self respect, and the self love in order to grow to your full potential. Hell, it's easier said than done but what one fool can accomplish, so too can another fool. I've grown from being internally deeply ashamed (without even realizing it) about myself to, well, I don't want to label myself with words, but lets just say I am no longer deeply internally ashamed about my actions in life. It didn't happen overnight though. Days, weeks, and months build up for that overall personal growth. And that personal growth is one of my favourite things in the planet.
    Becoming Jasmine and Solomon435 like this.
  17. _Catholic_

    _Catholic_ Fapstronaut

    I feel bad for you what religion is your mom.
  18. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Day 2

    Went to work and was assigned a ride from Kiddie Land. I realized just how awful some kids get. When I'd have to stop some kids because they'd have to wait for the next ride and they would pull the ugliest faces.

    Why do people bring kids to amusement parks anyway? They can't ride every ride and you'd have to have a stroller all the time! It just seems like they're not good for amusement parks.

    ...Of course that could just be the withdrawal talking. :p I don't usually have that kind of attitude when working Kiddie Land. It'll get better later.

    I remembered that I got a bag of Snickers for my birthday earlier this year, so every day I don't relapse I can have a bar!

    Things don't really seem to be going totally alright for the last week. I've messed up the scheduling of two jobs and one of my teachers, and one of my friends is having a going away party for going to college.

    I didn't think I could feel embarrassed, guilty and sad all on the same day.

    Still sticking through though.
    DeservedCriticism and Retro Girl like this.
  19. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the message. I've always thought the behaviors and attitudes were the norm and I was the only one who thought otherwise.

    I'd rather not disclose that information right now, sorry. Thanks for responding though.
  20. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    It's all good mate. How has today been for you? Any great achievements? Any small ones? :)
    Becoming Jasmine and Solomon435 like this.

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