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Am I crazy or is he hiding something?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by ConfusedWife, Oct 31, 2018.

Am I being paranoid?

  1. Yes

  2. No

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    I’m pretty sure he is also willing to lie at all costs as he knows this is the last straw. Last time I caught him he was able to distract me with a fetish confession which got him off pretty easy. I can’t let this bring me down anymore. He can have his porn and all the shit that goes with it. I hope he is happy.
     
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  2. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    From my experience, your gut will always be right. My partner was always able to tell when something was wrong. She could just tell. Even if she couldn't put her finger on it. There have been a few occasions when I hadn't been lying about something that she strongly suspected I was, but in those instances I just have to suck it up, because this is where my actions have brought me.
    As an addict, from what you are explaining, he is lying to you. He is most likely using porn substitutes. Unfortunately, trying to figure out what the truth is will only drive you crazy. You are NOT crazy. He isn't willing to admit it to himself yet that he has a problem. Something that has helped me tremendously was joining a 12-step program. SAA or SA, telephone meetings or in-person meetings. In-person is the most helpful, in my opinion. And SA houses more porn addicts than just adulterers. But this disease is a disease of progression.
    If he wants to stay with you, he needs to do EVERYTHING in his power to SHOW you. This means he should be bending over backwards to do whatever it takes in order to make you feel secure.
    Maybe he needs accountability software.
    Maybe he needs a dumb old flip phone.
    Maybe he needs the internet completely restricted.
    But it is in your best interest to not try and control these behaviors. You can simply explain something to him.
    "If I do not trust you, I am going to leave you. If you do not do everything in your power to build trust with me, then you don't care enough about me for me to stay".
    But...unfortunately, you need to stick with your consequences. He will never learn if he doesn't think his actions have consequences.

    That's just my viewpoint. The main thing to remember is that you are NOT crazy. Consider finding a 12-step program yourself, for support. S-Anon is a wonderful place. It's for the spouses of sex and porn addicts.
     
  3. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    So I was right. He just admitted it. Then pointed the finger at me for not meeting his needs in this relationship. I’m devestated.
     
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  4. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    I should have left him a long time ago. Now I am so broken I’ll never be good enough for anyone else. And I’ll probably never stop loving him even if that makes me crazy....leaving him will be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. Probably won’t be able too.
     
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  5. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    I am so fucked up at this point I don’t even like myself. It’s no wonder he has to do what he has to do to meet his needs. I’m a miserable person.
     
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  6. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    I am hurting and I confess that I lost my faith in god a year ago and I get a 30 min conversation about how he is too smart for this world and gets too bored of things. Sure wish he would get bored of lusting after other women. Probably will get bored of me someday if he isn’t already. He loves turning everything into being about him.
     
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  7. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    I’m practicing CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) now. Sending him gifs I think he will like and trying to watch videos with him. He isn’t so into it. It’s too bad. Can’t beat them join them right? I know it’s destructive. But it’s amazing that when I instigate it I really give no fucks. Happy Halloween!
     
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  8. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    I really don’t understand why he can’t enjoy it when I am here. If I am the crazy one and everyone does it then why not share with me?
     
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  9. You’re in a really tough spot.
    Try watching this video and maybe some others from them.
    I think they have some really good perspective and advice.
     
    ConfusedWife likes this.
  10. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    I’m my life if I learned anything it’s that the only person that is going to take care of me is me. That comes from no one caring including my own mother when I told them about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child by the hands of 5 different men. Even my step mom whom i idolize said it’s no big deal and it happens to everyone. No one cared when I was a little girl in a homeless shelter. Or when I was in a orphanage. Or the 3 years of my childhood I spent grounded to a chair in my room by the father I never knew for 8 years that eventually stepped in and took custody. No one cares about your pain but you. I thought I had found someone that cares in my husband. But clearly I was sworely mistaken. Back to my comfort zone. ALONE.
     
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  11. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    Sorry. I’m in a bad place and I know you are just trying to help.
     
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  12. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry. I read through this thread only to be hammered by the last two posts. What you endured as a child was horrific. And contrary to your step mom's opinion... F NO, thats not normal!!... people go to prison for molesting children! You might want to think about her idol status.... her view of sexuality is... old men abusing a young girl?? I have to wonder what else she thinks is normal.

    Regarding your husband. You already know where he is at... and you know he has no desire to quit. In fact blaming you is the ultimate cop out. When you confront him... look him in the eyes... it's called mind mapping. You'll know when he's lying.

    It is true that the only person that can really take care of you is you... BUT - that doesn't mean that others don't want to help you. Your husband may very well be that person - but in his current state he's a liability not an asset.

    The real question is what will you do? Hiding ALONE will not make this go away... in fact it is you being grounded in your chair all those many years ago. IMHO - you need to set up some personal boundaries and also consider moving out if he isn't willing to change. Probably not what you want to hear, but outside of a drastic change (again IMHO), you will go through this cycle over and over... losing a little piece of your heart each time.

    In a honest marriage relationship, spouses support each other and give themselves to each other out of love and respect. They do not blame each other for their shortcomings (it's your fault because you won't meet my needs). Each spouse is solid and independent and also wanting their husband or wife. It's 180 degrees opposite of forced compliance.

    Again.. I'm totally aghast at your story - It's not fault of yours and you deserved much better (and still do). Take a look in the mirror and tell yourself you're valuable and your worthy of love and respect - Why? because it's true.

    PM me if you wish. Meantime, I'll be praying for you and your husband.

    Cheers,
    HF

    PS - one last thought, get counseling for both of you... If he won't go, go by yourself.
     
  13. My boyfriend and I blocked the age limit on apps he can have (12+) that helps ease my worries about secret sources
     
  14. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. I needed to hear this. He is the only person I have let in so it probably hurts that much worse. I will leave you with this for tonight. It’s a lovey song. Music brings me peace.
     
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  15. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    And quite honestly it’s my house. I bought it all on my own before him. And if anyone has to leave. It’s him. He probably married me so he could have rights though.
     
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  16. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the music... ironically, I am a big music listener - I won't go into details.

    Try this one on for size..
     
    ConfusedWife likes this.
  17. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Those gif apps are full of porn.
    I found that out the hard way. I've been lied to and betrayed so many times, like you. I now have a zero tolerance policy. I've dug deep into all apps and websites my SO visits and have flagged everything pornographic or Psub. He so much as opens one of those pages and we're done.
     
  18. Haddock

    Haddock Fapstronaut

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    I read you sad story. I don't know your husband, I don't know you (except for what you've written in this post, which is quite a lot actually). I think I can't give you any advice on what to do with your husband. However, please do not give up hope. I'll be praying for you today (it's a special day for christians).

    This is not an excuse for your husband, but, if you have read this forum enough, you know how strong porn addiction can be. He shouldn't blame you, this is him who has an issue but maybe he loves you after all. Just for you to know, during my hard days with porn, I sometimes was quite unfair to my wife. I regret it. I may have put pressure on her for having sex. She was sad because she though I only wanted her for her body. That weren't true, I loved her but it was the porn addiction talking. Now I'm better, not completely cured but better. So, I don't know your husband but I'm sure he can overcome this as well. Of course I'm not telling you what to do. You know better. I'm just saying maybe there is true love hidden by porn addiction. I don't know. But think about it.

    Stay strong. May God help you.
     
    ConfusedWife likes this.
  19. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I will bring this up. Because if I have to be “perfect” at all times to get him to not do things that hurt me than I won’t be able to be myself and be in constant worry I am doing something wrong.

    He wants to. Most counselers will probably think like the rest of the world and think I am the problem. Plus he has to go work out of town for possibly 5 years in January. So what is the point...
     
  20. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! This was great!
     
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