Need some advice to stop going to escorts & watching webcams

Chill.

 

Oh my, the fog is strong with this one.

So much addict thinking here trying to hold on to the addiction.

Let me be very clear about this. She is going to find out about your repeated betrayals one way or another. You may think that you have it under wraps and that she is none the wiser, but she isn't stupid. She knows. She might not know exactly what it is, but she knows its something. It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it could be next year, it could be in ten years. But she WILL find out about all of your infidelities, on and off screen. Right now you have the choice in how she will find out. And that could make all the difference in the world as to whether your marriage succeeds or not.

You are not only lying to your wife, you are lying to yourself as well. You are not looking for advice to help you beat your addiction. You are looking for ways to justify the reason for not telling your wife. You want back up for your decision to continue deceiving her. This shows in the vast amount of "googling" you have done on the subject (because google is clearly your marriage counselor). But instead you are all about the lying. Lying about the webcams, lying about the escorts, lying about therapy. Lying about everything.

Dude, man up. Take care of your kids instead of shoving them in front of a screen. It's called being a parent. Do you realize how many people do that everyday? Do you realize how many stay at home moms are with their kids 24 hours a day with no breaks? Do you realize how many moms (and some dads) are parenting alone for months on end while their loved one is away in the military? How about single parents? You don't get a pass because you are tired or stressed. Parenting is hard and it takes ALL of your energy ALL of the time. Especially when they are little. Take your kids to the park, have a movie night, play board games with them, do a craft, whatever it is, BE PRESENT WITH THEM.

But you can't do that. You know why? You are not emotionally equipped to. You do not know how to emotionally connect with your wife. You do not know how to emotionally connect with your kids. You do not know how to emotionally connect with anyone right now. This is where your addiction comes from.

Hear me when I say this. You cannot do this on your own. You need help beyond what you have sought out so far. First things first, you will need to come clean to your wife. Perhaps you don't tell her the extent of things just yet, but tell her you have a sex addiction and are seeking help. Next, find a good CSAT/CMAT and attend regularly. A good one will tell you what you NEED to you hear, not what you WANT to hear. A good one will encourage you to be 100% transparent with your wife, even if it takes a little time to get there, not tell you to deceive her. They may even help you with your disclosure, helping you both navigate through it. Next, visit a 12 step group like SAA or SA and get a sponsor. Attend meetings regularly, keep up with your sponsor in the way you have arranged with him.

You can only truly begin healing when you first stop lying to yourself and then get real with yourself. You will know you have hit this point when you feel true sorrow and true remorse over all of this. You may think you have done that already, but from these posts alone, it is clear that you haven't yet. You'll know.

Good luck to you. It's a long, hard road but it can be won.

 

You'll never persuade people by shouting, calling them stupid, being condescending, and having a "know it all" and "I'm wise, you're dumb" attitude.

Go ahead and reply with another long post about how everyone here is blind and stupid and only you know the truth.

Good luck.

 

So eloquently stated! Love this, so true!!

 

There is a big difference between secrecy and privacy. I think you might be conflating the two concepts.

I want to link an article that I liked on the subject but I’m not able to post links. The article is titled “why secrets can ruin relationships” and it’s published on psychology today if anyone is curious to read it.

 

Bye bye.

 

I feel your bro and I share your feelings.... I've been disgusted with the amount of insults, judgement, lack of respect and support in this thread in a 'support' group where people are supposed to provide 'advice' not 'orders'!.... not 'my way or the high way'

Even me, myself just for giving you my opinion, been made fun off, been judged 'that i'm a non practicing physician, not doing anything useful in my life', the dude actually went to check my complete history/posts not to be supportive.... not to give advice.... just to judge, make fun off and I guess that gives them self satisfaction/feel better about themselves?!

Not to mention that complete of a joke advice that "if you check out someone pretty in the store and fantasize having sex with her for a minute" go tell your wife about it....because this is honesty?? did you actually say that?? this is honesty?? this is rude, show lack of manners and completely disrespectful to your significant other! and your excuse is "this is honesty, go tell your significant other to talk about it!" ok.... so "hey honey, iw as at the store, I saw that girl with big amazing boobs and a hot ass that i wanted to bang like a monkey" then what??? what is there to talk about?? what if my gf/wife is not confident about herself??? what of she just gained a couple of pounds after pregnancy?? what if she was born with flat boobs?? WHAT IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT FOR REAL other than I am a disgusting husband with no feelings, manners and intentionally disrespecting my wife and telling her I;m fantasizing other women who are different physically from her? what is there to talk about?? 'baby, I cannot live with you flat boobs anymore??' 'baby I love latinas and you're blonde...what can we do about this?" Sick!!

I get to realize that in this thread, it's a group of 'buddies' liking each other posts, responding to one another, judging you, judging me, insulting anyone not agreeing to their methods...'we are right and you are all wrong'..... how dare that idiot tell you to 'man up!' this is how you give support?? advice?? who is he to speak to anyone in this forum like that.... I am really sorry bro but I haven't responded here in a while because I was disgusted!

you came here asking for help, how to quit, looking for advice and in return, you've been judged, insulted and you have to search in between the pile of shittt over here to actually find some respectable members giving you advice!

 

Let me recap some of the 'advice' you got....

How to quit your addiction? GO TELL YOUR WIFE! and not a single one talked about ....then what?? not a single one talked about consequences, best scenario, worst case scenario, step 2, step 3..... GO TELL YOUR WIFE! Why?? because that will fix all your problems, you're gonna be treated from your addiction (which started from stress) by doing an action that can destroy your life completely....Not only like I mentioned will hurt, embarrass and humiliate your most beloved of all.... can make you lose your wife, your kids, going to court and divorce.... wow.... such a treatment to your addiction!! Not A SINGLE ONE TALKED ABOUT CONSEQUENCES... but of course, they talked in details about you, judging you, mocking me, the dude took his time reading my entire posts to tell his buddies 'check him out! now I know how he thinks'!!

 

The OP is someone suffering from an addiction who has come here to seek help and support, who clearly has the best intention to improve his marriage and become a better person.

I don't see how labeling him a "narcissistic arrogant controlling pompous ass" is nothing but a total lack of respect and empathy.

An addiction makes people do things that they regret or harm themselves and other people. This doesn't mean they're bad persons. It just means they're humans.

 

anyways, sorry for my anger but I had to vent out, lets get back your problem @MarriedIn2013

This thread have just demonstrated to you a glimpse of what could happen in real life. People are ready to judge not understand and support. I have read an article before (will try and find it) that actually, many spouses were willing to forgive their cheating husbands/wives but what stopped them from doing so was the humiliation, their pride from the judging community who KNOWS he/she was cheated on! and that's why they couldn't forgive even when they wanted so and loved their significant other! because people told him/her "he/she is untrustworthy, once a cheater, always a cheater" all sorts of comments, judging they get and of course again, their pride and trust that has been severely broken/hurt!

If there is a time for her to know, maybe 5-10 years after 1- you have completely cured your addiction 2- Made up for her all the past by providing her a whole life honeymoon and stepping up your romance life 3- after you have forgiven yourself!! But again, I will always go against it.... like I mentioned before, if your marriage has whatever time is there for it to live, live it to the max starting from now until it ends by whatever means.

One thing about the 'lying' issue everyone has been telling you, don't feel bad about it, I actually support you. Here's the thing, people mostly lie to gain something....escape responsibility.... feel good about themselves. And NONE OF THEM is the case here, you're not running from your mistakes or responsibility.... you're not looking for ways and justify keep doing this in secret! you're holding this away because of love... you don't want to hurt your most beloved one, you want to save your life, your marriage and take care of your wife and kid/s. You're not lying to yourself either, otherwise you wouldn't have acknowledged your problem spoke about it openly over here and actually looking for help/advice/support (which unfortunately, you didn't get much of it over here but don't worry, I will do my best myself, that's a promise)

So let me summarize, trust yourself and your decisions and the first thing you need to do, is forgive yourself. And my way of thinking is always, always , think of pros and cons of every step, and as a husband and a father, think of pros and cons and what is of best benefit and interest towards your wife and kids (not yourself and I assume you're not thinking of yourself here).

 

tell me about it bro!! super disgusting! coming from ex- or current addicts in a 'support' group!

 

Ok, now back to practical tips.... If you noticed, I have made it past my first week (and this is my second trial after failing my first attempt after 6 days) and I ave to tell you, what a major huuuuge difference was my second trial form the first one .... my first one was all suffering, impure thoughts 24/7, super slow.... my second attempt was a breeze! super easy and I feel good and far from relapsing actually! Here's my personal summary of what I did so far:

1- Support from good members from this forum as well as interacting with others was the biggest changer. Seeing other people facing your problem, even worse, makes you appreciate life and know you're not alone. You help people and as you help them, you're helping yourself. So my biggest changer, was this forum. Stay in it, take the positives, leave the negatives, make a 'reboot blog' of your journey and interact with others, give advice to them if you think you have something to add
2- You cannot stop habits....YOU CAN REPLACE HABITS WITH OTHERS. Easier said than done! but this is key for avoiding relapses. what worked for me?? a partner! i found a gym partner and a study partner and I could be happier which brings me to point 3
3- PEOPLE are the cure! family and friends... the more I interact with people I love, 0 thoughts.....nuff said?? for your case, your wife! go together to the gym! go out play golf, bowling....your challenge ? 'MAKE IT HAPPEN DESPITE KIDS AND STRESS' HIRE A NANNY, CALL YOUR MOM, JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN! if not, any partner will help (like here, people here help a lot in supporting you)
this advice is personal though, I mean it worked for me and might not be what works for you but I'm giving you my own experience
4- HEADSPACE a meditation app I told you about...download it and why not do it with your wife as well?? it is a life changer! (I added praying to it but not sure about your beliefs/religion but you do it if you can) but something that works for all people?? meditation....give it a shot! 10 minutes a day, now I'm doing 20/day.

Final comment, I read your first response to me and you mentioned you had gambling issues in the past...which kind of go with what Ive mentioned before, you have the same disease but with a different symptom... the disease is 'coping with stress by escaping reality with a habit that provides easy fake sense of satisfaction' by gaming, masturbation, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex addiction with all extremities...they all provide small sense of fake satisfaction followed by guilt, shame, worthlessness and depression... and THIS IS YOUR ENEMY THAT YOU NEED TO FACE. you need to learn how to cope with stress by habits that are healthy, positive and productive. Start slow and steady! good luck bro!! stay strong and be optimistic!!

 

Actually, I can understand and respect the fact that there are relationships that operate like that. If it's a mutual agreement and being so open about everything is strenghtening them as a couple, by all means go ahead.

The problem is when someone imposes the idea that every relationship should be like that and then come here and say that if you're not doing that then it means you're a total liar and a bad person.