Wives want their husbands to adore them

Very cool that you had this conversation!!! That is hopeful! And I agree with your wife and what they want from a husband!

 

Yeah, I agree with your wife. Sad thing is, my husband DOES do those things, now, after the the PA. It doesn't have the same meaning as if he'd done it before. I do appreciate them, but it's a bit different now that my feelings for him aren't the same as they were before.

 

Very much agree with this. He's not a safe place anymore, even if he means everything.

 

I would agree on it too.

 

Realistically, people change over time, and if you expect your wives or husband's to stay the same person through life then you are in for a bumpy ride. Marriages need to be flexible to a point. My wife and I for example don't talk much during our separate lives but when we are together we feel very connected and if we texted every day we would drive each other nuts.

Don't worry about other marriages as a guide so much, see what you want yours to be like more than how others are.

 

Maybe we can’t overcome it. That’s the price of addiction. It stains and sometimes the stain doesn’t completely come out. Or it does but that dirty impression is still there.

I hope things chang. I hope they end up better than before. I hope the work and the suffering and the pain result in something beautiful.

 

I am definitely no expert, but from the sounds of things your (what I assume to be ex-wife) isn't the right person for pretty much most of the men out there.

I think it depends on the character of the woman to what she prefers in her man or not. I tend to find that for me, the better women, are those who don't overthink things, and just accept people for who they are without the need for all these complications.

I once had a lengthy conversation with my cousin, and she told me she wanted her man to be making lots of money and spend all his time and money in her. This is how the conversation went:

Me: "If he is making mega money, won't he be working all day?",
Cousin: (long pause): "Em.. okay, has a good enough job, not too good, but a rich family so he can spend it on me"
Me: "Hold on, so he is rich, right?"
Cousin: Right!
Me: "And you want him to adore you and spend all his resources on you, right?"
Cousin: "Not just that, I also want him to do what I say as well"
Me: "You've got to be kidding me, right?"
Cousin: No
Me: Let's assume, he is rich, either from his job or family and now must take orders from you, why wouldn't he just ditch you for somebody better?
Cousin: Because he loves me
Me: Yeah right, I don't think it works like that, but anyhow.

Ultimately what they want is your time and money, and for you to be making good money. Those who make good money don't have time, which then leads them to be unhappy as they aren't satisfied with this. They can either choose, have money and security and let their husband do what he must do, or have his time with little money. The choice is there!

I also like to say, don't expect those who spend lots of money on themselves to have much left over for you.

I have a short story to say in a bit, really funny. I must go to bed now though and when I wake up later I can say this too. It kind of sums a man's vision of a woman in a comical way.

 

I don't think it will ever be the same as it was before. I used to have this complete adoration for him, just pure love, full trust. Now it is all complicated. Before, I felt special to him and like he chose me and I was the only one for him like he was for me. I thought I knew him, even better than he knew himself at times, nope, I didn't know him at all. Finding out about his PA broke me. It's like that old story of you can throw a plate on the ground and then glue all the pieces back together, it is still a plate, but not the one it was before. I feel that is how our marriage is. He threw it and shattered it and he's/we've put the pieces back together but it still has scars. That doesn't mean we can't make something good of this marriage, that it can't be great again, but for me, it will never be what I thought it was before.

 

Perhaps it isn't all his fault, but some of yours for seeing him at more than a human being capable of making mistakes. You and I aren't perfect, why hold him to a different standard? While he comes clean and tries to fix mistakes he made, why don't you do the same?

 

I can agree with it because I was there, I agree that SO’s do want along those lines from our partners. What I told my hubby throughout our whole relationship in a nutshell is I deserve to be the priority not the option and that includes everything from other women to have a high commitment level that he showed is bosses and work commitments.
My hubby is at better place with it now and continues to improve so I should have elaborated further.
But yes, for years i was very much longing for those things, missing and thinking about those things. I don’t think about “throwing in towel” at this point but I wouldn’t be honest if I said thinking along those lines hadn’t cross my mind up until I had seen/felt real change in him.
Worded more appropriately is I can identify, I do remember quite clearly still.

 

I never said I am perfect. I'm not, not even close. I am working on myself as well, as I certainly have areas to improve also. I know people make mistakes, that's why I'm still here, with him.

 

@TryingHard2Change;

I am not here to judge, but already I've met some pretty odd cases.

One guy is rebooting from his wife to strengthen their relationship. I can understand this, but I certainly wouldn't take this approach.

You said D-Day, is this a divorce day. I've only heard this term in terms of war, not really with relationships. Why is it you need to reboot if you're married. Again, I am not here to judge, but this would never be my approach.

Personally I think some women aren't satisfied no matter what. Not saying this is your case, but I've heard of many cases which it is.

I will publish the story on a different post. It's quite funny.

Edit: Here is the story,
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/matchmakers-short-story.172570/

 

How on earth does that work? Do have a massive house where you can avoid each other or something?

 

I agree with this pretty much. Not adored in a 'put on a pedestal' way but loved and cherished deeply. I want him to want to be with me and only me the way I'd feel about him.

Having dated men who persuaded me to go out with them before staring at other women and cheating on me just a few months later it made me feel horrendous and angry. Like I'd been duped into believing they cared when they just saw me as one of many. I don't think any woman wants to feel like that, nor any man for that matter from what I can tell. In fact men seem to get angrier about cheating than women from what I've seen? A lot of women seem to be able to forgive it.

So if I ever get married it would have to be to someone who thought I was great and wasn't hankering after other women. Someone called me naive the other day for wanting this and maybe it is, but it's just how I feel.

Hope you can work it out together, good luck with it ☺

 

Thank you. Yeah this pretty much describes my ex, as well as him hurting me physically which is beyond S or P addiction (he wasn't an SA, he was a much darker type of person than an addict).

Onwards and upwards towards healing for us all, at least we've all had it so bad it can't really get much worse.