is this common?

That’s what I keep asking of my hubby, I don’t want to have to ask or wondering if I’m asking the right questions to know the truth. I want him to want to tell me, let me decide if I want to know more at that time.

 

Letting her decide how much she wants to know was a suggestion I heard on the podcast pornfreeradio.
I’ve gotten lots of good suggestions from it.

 

I would say that it's normal, period, even for men who aren't addicts.

If any men here want to disagree with me, please do so ... but my personal opinion? A man fantasizing about sex with someone in his circle of influence is totally normal. I almost think it'd be more abnormal for a man never to fantasize about someone.

But obviously, there are degrees of this. A man who looks at an attractive co-worker, feels himself getting aroused, and allows himself to momentarily imagine sex with her is very different from a man who does the same--and then retreats to the restroom to masturbate, then looks her up on social media and obsessively browses all of her pictures, saving his favorite ones to his computer or phone, etc. etc. Know what I mean?

A normal, healthy man will typically feel a sexual response in his body when he's around someone who fits his arousal template. Having a fleeting sexual thought about a person is normal. The problem comes when he allows himself to steep in those thoughts for extended periods of time, over and over, to the point where his sexual focus shifts from his primary partner to his fantasies.

 

Agreed. I fantasize about other men a lot. I think it is normal. Do any other women here do this?

 

First off, I'm not excusing fantasy or saying that it's "okay". I'm simply saying that it's normal and natural. I could just as easily say that selfishness is normal and natural, but we can all probably agree that it isn't good to be selfish.

But a fleeting thought? Personally, I think that is okay. Sometimes we can't control what happens to pop into our minds. But we can control how long we linger on those thoughts and allow them to flourish in our imaginations. That is where the problem lies.

In any case, I think it's an enormous stretch to draw a parallel with pedophilia.

Generally speaking, men are attracted to women, and vice-versa. That's normal. That's natural. Sexual attraction toward children, however, is not normal or natural.

The same goes for sexual attraction to animals, inanimate objects, etc.

A normally-functioning, post-puberty brain and body will be drawn sexually to the opposite sex. Men and women are biologically designed to be sexually drawn to one another so that we continue procreating. Any sexual attractions outside of that are usually the result of psychological influences or trauma. When someone is sexually attracted to children, something has gone wrong in their sexual development.

@Sadgirl, you're a mod assistant now??

 

Yea, I try my best not to fantasize, but it’s hard.
However I don’t see any way to compare that to pedophilia.
That’s like fantasizing about raping someone.
Which...uh...NO!... I definitely don’t consider that natural or normal.

 

But you fantasize about it being consensual, right?

 

So the

So would you be honest if she did ask the hard questions?

I am the same way, though. I want to ask the hard questions, even if the answers hurt me. But sometimes I don't ask them because i know it hurts him more to admit it than it does for me to hear it and I don't want him to hurt more. I try to gauge the tone of our conversations to see if i can ask them.

 

I’d like to think yes. But

that’s only recently. Before, I probably would have half-truths, lied, misdirected so as not to make her madder or get in trouble. I’m coming to grips with the fact that I haven’t been strong enough to tell the truth.

 

I wouldn't equate fantasy with pedophilia, perhaps the PP was just trying to personalize it - like a tweet I read about recently about a man not realizing women were 'people' until after he had a daughter.

For me, nofap is about moving away from the digital and virtual to focus on the real AND to love and respect relationships by committing all intimate and sexual energy to one's partner only. To me, now, focusing intimate or sexual energy anywhere outside of the relationship is a form of cheating. I plan on being physically, emotionally, AND mentally faithful in my relationships. I think fantasizing opens up the door to possibilities and plants seeds that could hurt the relationship, especially after dealing with P addicted partners. Just my take.

 

Attractive people abound. Noting it is one thing. But picturing them differently or inserting them into mental narratives is where I personally draw the line. To me that's the difference between appreciating beauty and using it to fuel (often dopamine driven) fantasy.

 

I am not sure if I understand this correctly.....are you asking me if I ask people consent in my fantasies?

 

Esther Perel has written a lot about fantasies and says that most if not everyone fantasizes about sex and that it is normal to fantasize about other people. It can help us to understand our needs and desires. I asked some of my girlfriends and they all fantasize as well. Maybe we are just a randy group lol.

 

What would be an example of a hard question? Are you looking for more specifics about the content that he looked at?

 

lol. No I was referring to my previous post...where I said it wasn’t normal to fantasize about rape. Sorry for the confusion