is this common?

I don’t know any books, I have just had that my whole life. I can remember being 4-5 years old with the lucid dreaming.
I messaged you on this as I don’t want to highjack the thread.

 

@SpouseofPA @SuperFran
For defining sexual desires/wants as needs I completely 100% agree. I remember having discussions/fights with my hubby on the very same thing. I do believe that became part rational/justification for some his behaviors with his PA.

 

I've made progress ... but the truth is, the line that separates ogling from a sincere recognition of attraction is a blurry one. It can be difficult to determine that threshold right there in the moment.

For me, it's been important to be gentle with myself. There's nothing wrong with seeing an attractive woman and feeling a sexual attraction toward her. I believe God wired men that way. I don't expend needless energy averting my eyes, staring at the floor, and condemning myself for being sexually attracted to someone because I think they're really, really hot. Hot women are supposed to stir up that kind of response in me. It's part of being a healthy, sexual man.

But if I spend the next 30 minutes daydreaming about sex with her, dwelling on the parts of her body, thinking about what she'd be like in bed, etc--then I'm definitely in bad territory and need to check myself.

A pastor who I had huge respect for once put it this way: "You can take mental pictures, but you don't have to develop them."

Logically, what you're saying makes sense, and it's why you're having a hard time understanding where your husband is coming from.

But in the world of sexual fantasies and intrigue, I have seen countless scenarios where people are turned on about the idea of a certain experience, but in reality, aren't ready to actually go through with it.

Spoiler: Trigger

Having spent years in the world of casual hookups and swingers parties, I can tell you that the single most common complaint in that lifestyle has to do with flakes. Whether it's a married couple trying to line up a MFM threesome, or a group sex situation--organizers have hundreds of stories about people saying they'll show up, and then ghosting. I've shown up to parties where they were expecting 30 people and had six.

When things are in the realm of fantasy, they have a certain appeal. When they move into the realm of just reachable fantasy, then they're downright addicting in how magnetic they can be. But when the fantasy is pulled out of it, and a subject realizes that all he has to do is "say yes", and he can have the experience, then reality tends to come crashing in, and nothing kills a fantasy like reality. Suddenly the guy starts playing the tape in his head: what will be the consequences if I do this? Could I live with myself if I actually cheated on my wife? What will happen if she finds out? And if she doesn't find out, am I prepared to try and keep this secret forever? What if this person has an STD? What if she becomes crazy and threatens to ruin my life and share my secret if I don't keep seeing her?

A guy who finds himself consumed with those thoughts usually isn't going to go anywhere near casual sex ... even if the initial idea seems exciting as hell.

 

My wife calls this “walking down the hall of consequences”. It’s what stops most people from doing things they know are wrong even though they want to.

 

At that point I didn’t see the consequences to P. It was mild, and I thought I wasnt hurting anyone. Experience taught me you lose contril of your thinking. Not a consequence many talk about

 

I guess to be honest, a lot of times i was looking at P to be passive agressive when my wife wouldn’t give me the attention I wanted. At that point I didn’t care how she felt. It felt like she wouldn’t care what I did. So if the consequences were related to that, it seemed like it didn’t matter. And it looked like there weren’t any consequences for me other than my conscience.
Also, yes, i was of the opinion that if i just thought about something it wasn’t a problem. Acting was the problem. But now of course, i am of the opinion that what I think about matters a great deal. (See my signature)

 

Thats a touchy one. Im not sure even i would be in a hurry to admit that to my wife. I might be a little afraid. Seriously, if i was brave and strong enough to confront her i wouldn’t have used P as a weapon like some weak little boy. Lol

 

Sure.

Let's say a married man has been watching cuckold porn and is starting to fantasize about sex with another man's wife (no one in particular, just general fantasy). At this point, it's purely a fantasy in the mind. It's hot as hell in his imagination--but it would never happen, really. He doesn't know anyone into that lifestyle, and he certainly would never take the risk to ask anyone he knows about it.

But let's say that, instead of porn, he's viewing online personal ads where married couples in town are specifically looking for a man to have sex with the wife. And say he responds to the ad ... and they respond back. Now, there's an entirely new dimension to the fantasy. Now there's a sense of intense intrigue, because it's no longer a distant fantasy. Now it's within the realm of possibility. There may be a dozen e-mails back and forth about what they're looking for specifically, talking about boundaries, what would be the best time to meet, etc. etc. The intrigue is maintained and intensifies throughout this entire exchange. There are pictures traded, details discussed, and with each communication, gaps in the imagination get filled and the fantasy feels closer and closer to reality.

But eventually, there's a moment of truth when he has to decide to actually meet them, and that's when many men flake, according to the swingers I've met (and truth be told, I've flaked myself a fair number of times). There's just this flash of clarity where a man thinks, "ummmm I really shouldn't go through with this" and starts thinking about the consequences. And since he doesn't want to get into a big discussion about his inner dialogue, he finds it easier to simply vanish without another word to this couple. He deletes the e-mails, cancels the account to whatever swinger site he was on, etc. and says "wow, that was close. I'll never do that again."

... but the intrigue is so intense and addictive that he does, again and again, until eventually he decides to follow through, and that's typically the moment when PMO addiction has escalated into full-blown addiction to casual partners.

Sex addicts express their addiction in numerous ways. Some guys are addicted to visiting prostitutes. With others, it's the casual hookup scene in bars and clubs. Some guys are addicted to strip clubs. For me, it was online personals and hook-up websites. But whatever it is, the one commonality between virtually all of them is that they started with PMO addiction.

 

You sound like my wife. Almost her exact words about lying.
Lucky for me, she doesn’t ask the hard questions, so i don’t have to lie. Most of my disclosures have been voluntary and i say “do you want to know anything else?” She says “No, im good”
Whew

 

I'm only speaking generally ... I'd be careful not to draw any specific conclusions about your husband's experience.

I'll try and create an example based on your husband's experience:

1) He fantasizes about an attractive co-worker. But since they're co-workers and since he's married, he doesn't actually consider that the fantasy could ever be real, even if she is real.

2) He and this attractive co-worker start to flirt often, and trade sexual jokes and innuendos with one another. This is where the intrigue would start to really ramp up, because now it's like "this could actually happen." The scenario has moved from pure fantasy to actual, sexually-charged communication.

3) A bunch of employees from the company (him and her included) are out of town on a conference and she invites him to her room for the night. This is the moment of truth.

Since your husband's thoughts of this co-worker seem firmly planted in the #1 scenario, that's why I can totally understand him when he says, "sure, I've thought about F'ing her, but I would never actually do it."

That doesn't excuse him for entertaining the fantasy in his mind--that's still an issue he should think about. But I don't see it as an automatic "he would if he could" kind of thing.