Firstly, don't feel crazy. Your reaction was just a result of everything that you've been through leading up to this point. We're wired to see threats and react to them and that's all this was. You get the real primitive fight or flight adrenaline rush in situations like these and looking through the trash was just you trying to reestablish safety. I work with women who've been through what we've been through and there are a couple of things that can help in situations like these. One is getting an understanding of anxiety (and the fight or flight reaction) and learning techniques to calm your mind/body down so you can think a little more rationally. Deep breathing is really simple but oh so effective. The other is based in cognitive behavioural therapy and is really just about getting you to think about (or write down) what other explanations there would be for the paper towels so your brain starts to think about less threatening possibilities. It's not easy though and you have my complete sympathy. I will say it gets better with time and as you rebuild the trust. In the meantime, make sure that you don't add to your problems by feeling guilty for the way you reacted - trust me, I've known women to do far crazier things than that!
I have really been struggling with my boyfriends addiction. Every time we make progress we have a set back and this time he tried to lie to me about it. I was really starting to trust and believe in him then he lied...and now I feel like we are starting all over. I'm so upset and angry. I don't know what to do, a part of me is saying run but the other part says stay. This just sucks. And it's like what if I say something that makes it worse when I talk about how I feel... I don't know. I never had an issue with occasional porn usage until our sex life was replaced by it.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I identify with every single thing you said, especially the lying being so painful and thinking porn is fine until it replaces your sex life. I'll invite you to our SO group but you can post in the main forums as well.
Hi women of Fapstronauts. I am a guy and have only been masturbating for 6 years on and off and sometimes daily. I was wondering in the future when I get a gf and eventually get married how do I tell her about my past of this? It may come as a surprise I am not addicted to porn. I did NOT NEED it to MO. There were times where I would look at it for 15 min or an hour MO then be done with it till another week or two. Then there were days where I looked at it then looked at it for 10 min MO, then do the same for three more days. Then stop for a few days. Now that I look back on it. I do not like porn because of how the industry objectifies women and how it can destroy a life. For me I mostly MO'd to pictures on my phone so that may be why I did not use porn much. I do not want to develop a heavy porn addiction, so it will be best if I stop now, while I am not TOO DEEP in this stuff. I see how deep it can get and I see how you women are struggling with trust and I do not want a wife of mine going through this any worse. I guess you can say I had a mild case of porn addiction that would have got severe if I had unlimited internet access at home. So after reboot I plan to find a gf and establish a relationship. I am fearful when I tell her she will either be shocked and hard to accept it or pissed and debate leaving the relationship. How do I go at this the right way? I know I will need to sit her down in person and explain everything, but when should I tell her and how would I need to help her cope with it if she is having a hard time?
I forgot to add that I am also fearful of having sex in the future and thinking of porn or fantasies to O. Have any of you women gone through this as well?
Little late here but just wanted to chime in and say that I am so relieved to hear that I'm not the only one with such a specific intimate "checking" behavior. For a long time, I would check the trash can for tissues and even smell them. I'd also look at his underwear in the laundry bin or whether the tissue box had moved. Sad how it became such an obsession.
Thought you might be glad to know this inspired another letter to my wife, that will go in the big manila envelope where they all live right now.
It does get better, and then you get triggered, and it feels terrible, and then you see for yourself that you are still on the recovery track. I used to be a fun carefree person, innocent I guess, and sometimes I cry for the loss of that woman. I feel scared now that PMO is coming to steal my husband again, and it doesn't feel safe. And in those moments When you wonder why a new roll of paper towels are opened, and you feel scared, it is really hard to breathe, and remember that it was an addiction, and people can heal from it if they actively pursue recovery and a life free of PMO. I freak out sometimes, but they are less often, and my husband walking me through what really happened, in this case a plate for a sandwich, and his honesty is making the panic or triggers last less long. Try not to wonder or suffer alone, ask, if he is honest and transparent it will start building trust that you can fall back on when you are triggered. My husband says he never did P on him phone, but I caught him once looking at lingerie in the bathroom, I guess compared to the other stuff he was doing he wouldn't have catigoriezed Victoria's secret as a problem, back then he said he was shopping for things he thought I would look good in, I guess he never found the right item... Idiot. I believed him because I wanted things to be nice... Idiot. So after this whole problem blew up (pun intended) and he would be in the bathroom with his phone, I would try to surprise him in there, or suddenly need a cotton ball. Finally after a few times I cried and said I didn't want to be that person, and I hated it. He said to me, oh, that's terrible, I am just playing a game, but I don't have too. Now he leaves his phone where I can see it when he goes to the bathroom. He didn't get all defensive and blame-y, that is an old pattern, he just calmly said, I can see how that would be uncomfortable for you, I can take a poop like I used to before cell phones, with a magazine, oh and the magazine is a different topic then before... This old house, but I didn't bring that up. Progress
That's funny @Rav70 ! I never did this sort of thing myself, didn't want to walk in socks that were previously "spoiled" that way. All in all, I feel much better now that I don't PMO/MO. don't have to worry about hiding "evidences".
