Wives of recovering porn addicts

It depends… how long has he been refraining from PMOing?

 

I think your fear is totally normal. And the doubt too. Are you in individual counseling for yourself? I found that to be key. The best advice I ever got was, not every counselor clicks with every patient. If you don't click, don't waste time, try someone new.

Hugs. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's beyond hard!

 

It's been since Dec7th that bf has been clean and I still do a crunch test on odd socks laying around. Haha
It's normal.. I'll be 70 and sniffing socks I imagine.
Fun shit.

 

I've wondered that too. Will I be 80 someday, in a rocking chair, asking him, do you have any porn cravings dear? And then yelling it because he's too stubborn to wear his hearing aids. Lol. Probably. But I hope it gets less painful.

 

It has for us. Having a healthy sexual relationship does wonders.

 

Good to know. Right now we're doing 90 day hard mode for both of us, but the result us that we are finally getting the nonsexual closeness we were missing. With FANOS and daily 30 minute cuddling sessions.

 

I know what you mean @sunshinestar I don't feel comfortable leaving my husband home alone, or even showering alone. I'll walk into the bathroom when hes in there and will have meaningless conversation with him to make sure he knows that he can't get away with it with me in there. But I can't do that every time. Or when we go to the grocery store(he visualizes random women he sees naked and having sex with them sometimes) so I dont even want him to leave the damn house. Which is ridiculous! The other day I had to run into the store and we had just been talking about how he checks out other women and doesn't do it on purpose. I told him I did't want him to come in because of that.. He said, " that's fine, I'll stay here" so I told him thats NOT FINE. I shouldn't have to worry about my husband doing that when he has a gorgeous wife at his side. like wtf. I can honestly say though that the saturday before mothers day we were intimate and I have NEVER felt so connected with him in the last 7 years of our marriage. It was so great that we have been intimate almost every day since then. I do feel like it is helping me and him as well. I guess I kind of think it will blind him from other women.. I've also been wearing more dresses and stuff(i hate dresses but if I can keep his mind off other women and only on me then that's what i shall do!) Just know you're not the only one struggling with trust and that sort of thing. We're in a similar boat!

 

When my BF went through his flatline he said he could see a naked chick on TV and have zero sexual thoughts. He said sorry, not to piss you off but all men see an attractive woman and think about sex. Hmmm okay.
He doesn't act on those thoughts and we have sex often. Maybe it's just a guy thing?
The thoughts are always there but the porn fuels it into a frenzy.
So what I'm getting at is you're having great sex so that's a plus. Further into reboot hopefully his wandering eye will chill out. Go away totally? I doubt it. All men are dogs is a saying that's been around for a long long time.

 

Really? My husband says when he sees an attractive woman fully clothed even he views her as a sex object. He too said its a man thing.. He actually said its in mens DNA to spread their seed. *exact words* I like sex, but I don't look at an attractive man and think about ripping his clothes off. I know a womans brain is wired differently but it just doesn't seem right that ALL men see a woman and want to have sex with them. Doens't make sense in my head. I feel like that would be correct for unhealthy brains though just not for a healthy brain. My husband has never acted on those thoughts either(so he says) but he would go home and find porn that looked like that woman or fantasize about her. He claims he's only fantasized about another woman one time while having sex with me and this was back before we were married, and it was someone that I knew which made it more personal. I can't hardly even look at that person anymore.

 

I don't have those thoughts when I see a hot guy either.
I'm so into my bf I don't even look at other dudes.
Yes it sucks but it seems quite normal.
As long as he's squeezing my bum and telling me he's crazy in love I don't worry about it.

 

It's so awesome that you we able to be intimate and feel so connected Letsrun123. I'm so happy for you. I also wanted to say, as much as I understand your wish that sex with you would blind him to other women and your efforts to wear dresses, that's putting the responsibility of keeping him away from porn and thoughts of other women on you. But none of this is your fault or your responsibility to fix. You can support him, yes, but he's not looking at porn or other women because you aren't good enough, he's doing it because of addiction.

 

Just wanted to jump in here and say, no I don't think it is in men's DNA to think about sex with every woman they meet. I used to be like that...but not anymore. Well, that's not entirely true. I will have the occasional unbidden sexual thought about a woman from time to time, but this is getting more and more rare. In my experience, ogling and having sexual thoughts about women is a decision, like the decision to look at porn. It is an extension of the whole "use others for your own sexual pleasure" mentality. Once you realize that other women are not there to be your sexual playthings, either physically or mentally, the propensity to view other women sexually will fade. Right now I'm at the point where women do not attract me... I need something more to be interested in them sexually. Probably a relationship. I dunno.

Just wanted to add this here, hope it helps. The myth that men think about sex all the time and cannot control themselves is simply not true.

 

@matthewmammothrept I'm glad you posted that! I just showed my husband @JS3516 and I are both relieved that it isn't a mentality he will have forever. He seemed to think that it was written in men's DNA to ogle and sexual fantasize about women any and every chance they get and I told them I didn't believe that one bit.

 

That was really helpful, thank you! My husband and I just talked about this, I'm all turned around now and I told him I don't know what is normal anymore. Is it normal that men think about sex constantly and ogle women? He said he didn't think so either, but it really helped to have it confirmed from another source. And I totally think it's awesome that you now need something more in a women, other than looks, to be interested in them sexually. What a great change!

 

I talked to the BF this weekend about this and he said he might notice an attractive person but he doesn't think about sex anymore. He said he use to.
So he's changed. His original thought I posted earlier was about 40 days into reboot.
There's hope!

 

Awesome update, thank you!!

 

Yeah, it is great! It's an awesome feeling to be able to let women be who they are without having to use their images for their own sexual pleasure. This is something I've rarely experienced in my life. But now it is an everyday occurrence. It still scares me to think how oblivious I was to women's basic humanity. Before... you know, they were just something to use for my own pleasure. I know that sounds horrible, but that is the kind of mindset regular porn use induces.

This is it exactly. It's not that I don't notice attractive women...it's just now I can let them be who they are without using their image for my own pleasure. It took a while to get here. During my last streak, I would fantasize a lot. But that led to increasing urges and increased sexual thoughts, a self-reinforcing feedback loop. So this streak I've learned the art of not fantasizing...and have made a lot more progress. I really believe that fantasizing is almost as harmful as porn. It's mental porn. It gets your dopamine receptors firing, your body all hot and aroused...you understand. Your wiring yourself to the excessively sexualized and eroticized image of a person, instead of interacting with the person on a more real level, their actual personality.

@Letsrun123 , if you don't mind me giving your boyfriend advice... there are concrete ways he can battle his tendency to ogle and fantasize:

1. Look, appreciate, move on. This rule is simple. If you are out in public and you see an attractive woman walking by, don't dwell on her. Just move on. This takes some practice if you are used to looking at women's figures when you are out in public. The crucial point is the decision to dwell on her figure. If you can catch yourself before that point, then you won't be tempted to fantasize about her. Just let her be who she is. If she's a stranger, she's not important in your life. There is no reason for her to become more important to you than any other passing stranger. Just focus on what you are doing and move on.
2. What I call the "Don't look below the neck" rule. This rule is for when you are interacting more close with a woman or women. If you feel tempted to fantasize about them, just keep this simple rule. Don't look below these women's necks. It's that simple. Keep your attention focused on their faces, the seat of their personality. If you do that you will see their humanness much more than if you are just looking at their butts and breasts and fantasizing about what you want to do with them. Learning not to fantasize is ultimately learning to appreciate how we are all human, male and female.
3. Don't give sexual thoughts mental energy. If you have some history with meditation or mindfulness, this should be easy. But if not, practicing this rule might be tricky for you. Your thoughts are kind of like flipping through the channels on the tv. All the time different thoughts and images are arising in your mind. You notice them, they may or may not interest you. If they do not interest you, the thought or image will quickly diffuse back into the mindstream from which it came. But if the thought does interest you, you bring your attention to it. Like deciding to watch a certain channel after flipping through them for a while. And when you focus your attention on that thought, it gives the thought energy. So if a sexual image of a woman just popped into your thoughts, you can either decide that that image is interesting or not. If you decide it is interesting, you will focus on it, start exploring it, start imaging exactly how she would look, etc etc. Then you get all hot and bothered, triggered, desiring for some form of sexual release. But if you don't focus on it, it will simply disappear within a second or so. The goal is to learn how to not focus on sexual thoughts. Just let them be. Don't focus on them and give them mental energy. Let them dissolve back into the mindstream. If you don't pay any attention to these thoughts, they cannot control your action. But when you give them energy, you are ceding your freedom to them. And you are also flooding your brain with dopamine, which will in turn create powerful urges, which will in turn make it more likely that you will relapse.

Eventually, if you don't pay attention to sexual images, they will start come less and less often.

 

@fuckyouporn. Great tips from @matthewmammothrept: