Why do guys with attractive girlfriends still turn to porn?

Thanks so much. And the effects of being with a PMo addict don’t end when the relationship does. That follows you for the rest of your life and info every new relationship. I’ve also encountered a lot of other ex SOs both now and when I was in the relationship that helped me to made my own decisions.

 

The pain that an SO feels as a result of her pmo addicts actions and betrayal does not go away when she’s out of the relationship. They follow her forever and she carries them into every new relationship. I think you fail to see that. So yes I’m not in a relationship now with him but i am no doubt still effected by pmo and dealing with the aftermath as well as how to move forward. There are a lot of ex SOs on NoFap. I’m not sure what you mean that others dealing with these issues would not feel the same? SOs in current relationships are angry and bitter and antagonistic. I was 100 times angrier when I was in the relationship than I am now. And I disagree that you see the other side of the coin.

If you don’t agree with me why not post the exact question over in the partners section and see the reactions?

 

Embarrassment does play a factor in it for sure.

 

I understand why it is happening but it seems so painfully sad that SOs see their partners addiction as infidelity and compare themselves to porn as though they had a human rival threatening adultery - playing on all their insecurities and vulnerabilites in a relationship...

It's pretty paradoxical but I wish it could be neutralised and porn be no more of a sexual threat than somebody you love drinking alcohol too often, or taking in a worrying amount of sugar or whatever.

I know that it's not as simple as that, I'm not attempting to invalidate the feelings of those involved, it just seems so sad...

I think that the key element in addressing the original question in the thread is the super-normal nature of pornography (I think that's the term)... as pointed out elsewhere - and given in a link earlier in the thread, the insidious and addictive nature of pornography revolves around detaching sexuality from relationships and intimacy, with novelty and convenience on tap, going into overdrive until it's such a warped version of the original that people can't help but feel damaged and dysfunctional...

I think what struck it home for me was the description of a duck (I think it was a duck) that would give more attention to an oversize wooden duckling than to it's actual off-spring... you can see the perversion of natural attention, affection, caring and comparable processes - love ultimately I guess - in that... and that's what porn kinda is... a pretty patently stupid, dumb, feeble fake version of things... yet one that has the potential to over-ride the natural inbuilt faculties and processes that otherwise could develop into healthy sexuality, intimacy, relationships and love.

I can't find the link for that though. The duck thing. I hope I didn't just randomly dream it up. I do do stuff like that sometimes.

Quack quack!

 

Short answer: As Gmork said, this is first and foremost a place for men who know PMO is a problem and are actively trying to overcome it.

Therefore coming along and trying to shame them is pretty shitty?

There are two sides to every coin and ironically I've been were you ladies are...I have codepenent tendencies. Compared to which having a bit of a problem with PMO pales in comparison...

 

It’s not about shaming it’s about understanding the possible realty of the depth and scope. None of it black and white and every relationship is different. Here is a reality, you need to understand the depth and why you (you speaking generally) of guilt and shame to handle it all in recovery. My husband and have deep guilt and shame we feel in both sides. There needs to be empathy for the other and understanding to get past and heal. We all have insights and personal experiences that we can all learn from.
You can call us codependent all you want but addiction in itself is codependent.
There is a reason for feeling shame (against yourself) and guilt (against someone else) understanding it brings self awareness, learning and emotional maturity.

 

I suggest you calm down a little and try to simplify what you wanna say and what you really wanna adress. I am good at overanalyzing too, so I should know! Be aware trying to place guilt and shame everywhere around including yourself is a trap, it is never gonna resolve or even be reduced trying to "get rid of it" shame and guilt are normal feelings everybody has once in a while, why are you so different. I tend to suggest ACT-method to most psychological problems these days, maybe worth an attempt?

 

Well as far as GG2002 goes.... Totally stand by what I said...she openly said she wants to make people 'angry'..that's generally a tactic to provoke an irrational/defensive outburst. Classic maniputive behaviour....

You're right, guilt and shame are really important in any recovery, the latter usually stems from the deep dark recesses of childhood.... Hence not something to mess around with/treat casually.

You and your husband can do what you like...whatever..

But in general this is a job for a qualified therepist in a controlled setting, and certainly not random ametures on the Internet.

 

The difference is just what you said “I would do this. I would do that”
I’m a relationship you have to consider what your partner wants to do.
They might like sex, but not right when you want it all the time.
They might want to do something other than be looked at when you want to look.
So porn lets you be in complete control and selfish.
EVERYBODY who is using porn is selfish.
Fix that problem before a relationship will work...even if it doesn’t include porn

 

Getting back to the original question 'why do guys with attractive gf's still watch porn' well its my belief that porn viewing has little to do with actual real sex and more to do with chasing a high. Many of us have been there at our screens searching for hours and hours for just the right clip or image, scrolling through hundreds and thousands of gallery thumbnails, it's a bit like watching the wheels go round on a one arm bandit machine at a casino, it's as much of a behavioural addiction than gambling is and with addictive behaviours it's not often something pursued because the user 'wants' it but more because the user feels they 'need' it. A real partner cannot compete with porn, no matter how many outifts they wear or things they try, to the porn addict, the partner is just the same face, same body, boring, monotonous, lacking in the wild variety and short sharp novelty found online, it's been said by others that to a porn addict, their partner is just 'bad porn' such is the damaging effect it has and this is one of the reasons why pornography drives a wedge through relationships.

I do feel for partners of porn addicts and I can't imagine what it's like emotionally especially when you are invested so much in another person yet their actions show they are invested emotionally in something altogether different and at odds with healthy and moral foundations of a relationship. I hope one day if i do meet a nice lady she will be able to take me as i am and that I am able to be fully present to her and cherish every moment, i think today that would be more possible than a few years back when i was deep into porn consumption.

 

First I am calm, I just may not made my point clear enough. Guilt and shame are personal and thus a therapist can greatly help to understand but it anyone can do on their own as well with some self reflection and understanding for themselves.
You feel shame ask yourself why?
Did someone else push shame or were are already feeling it and not wanting or ready to deal with it.
You feel guilt ask yourself why? Same thing.
If it’s you and your shame then it’s good to understand it to deal with it, if it’s emotional abuse from someone who is dishing it out then it’s time to do something about it. Shame and guilt are there for a basic reason, to learn from it it’s there from a some sort of a mistake made.

Anyone can take any emotion to extreme, no one is perfect hence my empathy for my hubby. I personally have understanding/history of addiction so I have empathy for my husband and why I’m standing with him while we are working through it. Did I fall into enabling behaviors for different reasons with him, yes. Was he the codependent for his reasons, yes.

My intention is not to place guilt and shame on anyone but give an understanding and possible perspective coming from that place as an SO, as was @GG2002. Not everyone has the best communication skills especially in text format, I know I am one of them so I’ll take that.

In this instance the only person who can give the honest answers is @Gmork SO. The reality is it wouldn’t be surprising if his SO had similar feelings to a degree, it’s a very common theme for hurt SO’s whom have been PA/SA for sometime. Sometimes you don’t even how you really feel or even realize it until you have those conversations. I know my husband and have had many of those moments the last few months. Communication with an SO is fluid and always room to improve so it’s wise to never assume otherwise or even take it further to take it for granted.

As far as SO’s problems being just codependent and the addicts having harder time, most addicts don’t even realize the subtle let alone obvious abuse they tend give out to the people closest to them.

How I see it with GG2002 she does like to give challenges (making people angry) in critical thinking especially with perspectives, anyone has right to take something away from it or leave it. Any good therapist does just that, they don’t give you the answers they help guide you to figure it out yourself.

 

i guess its the norm nowadays. casual sex, casual porn. bit like a watching a hollywood movie, but with only the naughty bits lol. am not justifying it, but i bet there are people out there who will justify it and just say its harmless adult entertainment. theres even articles out there that encourage couples to watch porn together, to get them in the mood.

 

Yep. For most of us over in 40+, the habit was already there. Then, it recurs in marriage because it was never about anything other than a) behaviors like escape from reality or moods/etc, and b) being addicted. It takes a lot of work, but when we figure out our own root problems, the iceberg under the water, then we start getting the problem less and less by addressing triggers and so forth.

Also: Once a wife hears that her husband has this problem, the emotional struggles have only just begun. Many marriages end due to the lack of fidelity and an inability or unwillingness on both sides to be forgiving and put in the difficult relationship work.

So: don't use pornography! Never ever.

 

The reason you are angry is because you see some truth in what I am saying otherwise why do you care? How did I shame you? By anger what I mean is I say things that addicts don’t want to hear. I would be fine if you bashed and were furious with me if it would help you succeed in your relationships. But you seem to want to just put blinders on to things you don’t like to hear. Have you asked your SO if she feels this way? If not maybe you should or better yet show her this thread and invite her to the SO group.

 

And I say things that GG2002 doesn't want to hear, like that men are more visually stimulated sexually and thus porn is more of an allure to them. Or that men have evolved to desire youth and beauty, and are not naturally as monogamous-minded as women are.

 

Cool, so everybody is getting challenged!! What a great community.

But one thing... porn can be verbal/audio can't it?

Also, technically, couldn't an addict develop a fetish for senesence and/or 'ugliness' (whatever that is?)?

On a different note, I find those kind of generalisations pretty difficult to hear as well, or read, whatever. ^ ^

I guess maybe I'm just somebody who wants to have sex with more than one person and didn't realise it?

I guess it must be good having my boundaries challenged and borders expanded!

Thanks guys!!!

 

Hmm... being challenged is difficult, but I guess that's the point.

I'm just trying to figure out now how many people I'm supposed to want to have sex with.

Or maybe it's better to say 'trying to reveal to myself how many people that I actually want to have sex with, that I've repressed within myself the desire to have sex with'.

 

Denial is such a powerful thing isn't it!

Here I am trying to get my true promiscuous nature sorted out and all the while all I can think is:

'Maybe this is wrong! Maybe it's just some slut man desperately attempting to claim that his sexist generalisations speak for all men when in fact he's simply projecting and seeking a scapegoat stereotype to cover-up and compensate for his own issues around relationships, inability to commit and how he is - or possibily simply believes himself to be - a completely helpless victim to his own incontrollable lust!'

It's a struggle isn't it!

But we all have to fight the good fight... together!!!

xxx

 

People are not sex robots but when a woman is in a porn movie she is. When you are in a relationship with someone you can't have sex whenever you want but with porn you can witness a sexual encounter whenever you want. Porn is sex on demand, a girlfriend isn't. If you demand sex from you SO it's likely you won't get it and you'll end up having a massive fight. I would say even if a PA was married to the hottest pornstar he/she would much rather watch their porn than have sex with him/her because IRL a pornstar is a person with feeling but in most porn movies no feelings are shown. Even the most attractive girlfriend can't compete with porn.

 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to have sex with more than one person, that’s how you get to know what you want and like. Many PMO addicts have indeed repressed their sexual desires for a long time in the sense that they were too ashamed to share them with a real woman. PMO creates a desire for most that is different than their own actual desires. So when you are stopping your desires and drive reset themselves. You will figure out what you want and need it just will take some time. There is nothing wrong with sexual exploration when you are single, imo.