Unique circumstance, addicted to my ex/homemade porn. 37 M

Hello all,

So after talking to my therapist about what I thought was performance anxiety, she's diagnosed me with porn addiction. But it's a little different, maybe.

A little background, around a year and a half ago I started having an affair, I didn't realize that growing unhappiness in my marriage would push me into this and it's significantly more complicated than I want to get into but dealing with the inability to pull my wife out of an alcohol addiction and her lack of support for me, it happened. Now I am with someone who loves me like never before, supports me completely and is the most amazing person I've ever met! After a few sessions with the new girlfriend I started having some ED problems, nothing we couldn't work around and she was unbelievably understanding and it honestly hasn't gotten in the way of me being able to get the job done, but I'm feel like I'm stuck in first gear!

During this time I had 0 issues performing with my wife. If anything I was more... Sexually active! There was even a time when I was with both my wife and girlfriend concurrently (they both knew and were accepting) and again I'd have trouble getting and maintaining an erection until

Spoiler: Possible trigger

vaginal insertion with the girlfriend but later that day even after having recently ejaculated, I was performing like a porn star for my wife!?

I am extremely turned on by my girlfriend, we have a connection like I've never felt, my therapist just talked to me about pair bonding chemistry and that's definitely a thing, and there are some other kinks I'm into that, very luckily, she has the physical ability to endulge me in!

So some more background, I've been engaged in looking at porn since nearly as long as I can remember, internet porn since it's infancy and I have a watersports fetish that I believe is not porn induced due to it being there from a pretty early age. I've gone through parts of my life were I would masturbate nearly daily at work while still having a very good and active sex life and I've almost always used either

Spoiler: Possible trigger

homemade porn or the reddit /r/pee sub. The homemade porn was also usually squirting/pee as well with some grool and facial stuff thrown in.

I've been with my soon to be ex for almost 20 years and for the last 10 we've dealt with her drinking problems, there has been many a time that it felt like sex was the only good thing left in the relationship, and I could get whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it, including any and all of my kinks.

I'm not really sure where to go from here other than to reboot. I just thought it was odd that I didn't experience any issues with my ex...? Did I simply see her as an irl porn machine? Is this normal? I just haven't read anything like this before.

My girlfriend is very understanding and supportive as I've been very clear about everything with her. My plan going forward is obviously no more porn, especially the ex! I've not had any PM but my girlfriend and I don't get a ton of time together at the moment but I plan on engaging in sex to orgasm with her unless I don't show signs of improvement. I was diagnosed and have not masturbated since the 23rd although going through the process of ridding my phone/pc of homemade porn, on the 27th, I definitely spent enough time looking through and dealing with the cravings that I'm considering that the start of the journey. Luckily I have good self control and an amazing woman who stands to benefit, and knowing I can make the best sex of her life I've been giving her even better, that should be more than enough motivation!

I'd love to hear any advice, answer more questions or clear up things that may be confusing, I'm sure this is coming off a little disjointed and probably confusing and I'm on mobile so I apologize ahead of time and thanks in advance!

 

I think I've spoiler tagged the possible triggers and apologize for not recognizing the need to do so, I'm pretty new to the community. I have a therapy session today and I'll explore a little more into this issue and see what I can reveal, and as if seeing a SAA is something she suggests.

 

Thanks! It's nice to hear from someone and I really appreciate it, I know it's going to be a more difficult journey than I anticipate! I definitely plan on spending some time on here, possibly starting a count and maybe a journal as well!

 

I wanted to provide a little update. It's closing in on a month and I've successfully kept myself form any PM but have continued sexual relations with my partner. Things are already working substantially better! If I was at 50% before I'd say I'm at about 80% now! I still have some of the "cravings" but I'm also finding myself getting some spontaneous erections and have been able to achieve and maintain erections without physical coercion as well as on one occasion being able to perform multiple times consecutively and even a couple times where I could have performed additionally but the situation didn't play out that way haha. I will try to update this at least one more once things return to 100% and will regularly return to answer questions. I hope this unique anecdote helps others in future!