Trying to gain back my SOs trust

@Acky31 please let me know what you believe lead you to PA in first place. That is one thing no one thinks or talks about

 

I guess we look at these things little different. I don't owe anything to anyone, but my wife. I appreciate the help I get here and all the advice, and all the useful information, but the only person I owe is my wife. I owe her to be better and rid of this problem, I talk to her and think of her as my accountability partner because if I get used to being honest with her about everything it will become my new normal. I tell her everything, I tell her about all my urges and triggers, and I tell her what I write in my journal, and if I forget something she does read it. I don't think it's her responsibility, it is my responsibility to be honest with her and that's why I think of her as my AP.

 

Plenty of addicts on this forum who have successfully regained the trust of their wives or partners have done exactly this so yes it’s possible and no it does not imply you have to be perfect, rather be honest about your imperfections don’t hide them. And poo pooing it as not possible is setting yourself up for failure. “ I can’t do that so why should I even try?” We should all strive to do our best that’s all anyone can ask but sometimes our best may not be good enough for our partners particularly for a partner who has been deceived for so long. The men I see regaining trust throw themselves on their sword. They are truly willing to do whatever it takes. They throw out ego and pride and selfishness and do what they have to. It does not always come to them immediately but eventually they get there. A mistake I see and that my ex made was to think he was on equal footing. He would argue with me like the lies never happened. He thought he had some right to argue, he did not. You have to swallow that pride and give it all you have if this is really what you want and it will not be easy. But nothing that is worth it ever is.

 

I am a bit jealous of your wife. My husband feels the opposite, he doesn't want to tell me anything about his struggles, urges, triggers ect. I wish he thought like it is his responsibility to be honest. He instead gets mad at me when I check his apps to make sure there is no history there since he won't tell me anything.

 

Well all the best to everyone who is trying

If I can do my first reboot with no relapse or urges so far, no cheating, that too being in a sexless marriage for 5 years.... Why cant guys with SO so much behind them giving all the connection do it...

 

I told my wife and my sister about my addiction before coming here to NoFap. Both were incredibly supportive, kind and forgiving. I genuinely feel that what @GG2002 wrote in points 3, 4 and 5 is the perfect recipe to getting this situation sorted, and is why I have more forgiveness than I feel I deserve.

Of course, I understand that every SO, PA and relationship is different. But this is what I feel helped me to get that burst of kindness, understanding and a measure of forgiveness from the start.

Point 4 - Once I told my wife I had been P/MO'ing for almost my whole life, I promised that I would tell her anything she wanted to know, at anytime she wanted to know it, even if it was 10 years down the line. She wanted to know how often a week, which I told her totally truthfully there and then. She asked if I had ever watched something illegal, which I truthfully told her no. But I felt that I had to swear this to her by something she knew I would never, ever lie about (my sister), and thankfully she believed me. And that's all she wanted to know about the porn itself at the initial discussion.

A few times over the last 2 weeks, she has asked additional questions, and I have told her immediately the truth. If I could just offer a piece of advice, answer truthfully as soon as your SO asks. Like @GG2002 wrote, if this relationship is going to heal, it has to heal on the SO's timetable, not the PA's. And I can imagine a lot of trust will be lost, if you say "let's discuss it tonight instead."

Point 3 - I told her honestly why I started (neglected childhood). It is a reason, but I tried not to make it an excuse. Because there is no excuse for continuing to watch porn for years, and there is no good excuse to omit telling my wife before we got married. I even said as much. I don't think it was the reason why that gave me understanding, I think it was more that my wife could see that I was coming clean, admitting that I had betrayed her in my mind and heart, and asking for the chance to earn her forgiveness, on her terms. So if I may suggest, don't play on a SO's heartstrings to get forgiveness - actions speak louder than words.

Point 5 - I had come up with a plan of action, on what I was planning to do to beat this addiction, BEFORE speaking to my wife. I wrote down literally every account and password I have over the internet for her to check things out at her own pace. I wrote the most draconian internet usage plan I could think of (never, ever, ever use the laptop, unless I am in the same room as my wife / maximum blocking settings / all exceptions to be OK'd by Mrs. Harp / etc.). My wife came up with the idea of contacting our ISP and changing things to "family-friendly", which I immediately agreed to, and I also suggested that she change all the ISP account into her name and whatever password she chose. I think coming prepared with a plan showed her I was serious about beating this problem, and it also showed that I was doing point 7.

Currently working on 1, 2, 6 and 8.

Point 6 - after an amazingly forgiving response from my wife, I got her a bunch of her favourite flowers and wrote, "thank you for giving me the chance to earn your forgiveness." It was not a calculated gesture, I genuinely meant it. This was accepted exceptionally well.

I'm with @kropo82 on point 9 - for me, I don't feel the need of counselling yet. More importantly, my wife doesn't want me to try it (she had a bad time with grief counselling, and doesn't hold much store by it). If she did, I'd do it.

I am not a good man - if I was, I wouldn't have been a liar for all our marriage. And I still do not completely forgive myself... that'll take time. But honestly, if any PA wants a shot at forgiveness... follow what @GG2002 wrote.

Get angry at yourself and want to change for yourself. Write a plan on how you will fix this problem first, then go eat humble pie. Then ask for seconds. Put your SO in as much control as they feel they require to rebuild trust and their self-esteem.

I keep trying to remember that for the last 13 years of marriage, it's all been about me. Now for (at the very least) the next 13 years, it should all be about my wife.

 

Thank you @Acky31 that was helpful

 

@HARP Got it right. I wish I had that before coming clean with my ex. Could’ve saved me and her a lot of heartbreak.

 

Why would you not do this? isn't the whole point of "recovery" to make you, finally be honest with your S.O?

Why is it that you talk differently to your wife, then what you post on here? doesn't that continue to make you a liar? I'm not trying to sound condescending but I would really like to know.

All I ever wanted was full transparency.

I normally don't agree with PA's but @Wade W. Wilson has made the right decision, if he is actually following through on it.

 

I assume you mean cheating as intercourse, because you mention in your journal that you visited a strip club dancer for "intimacy" on multiple occasions. That is most definitely a form cheating in my book, and my husband would think so too. Just making a clarification.

 

I feel for your situation, however I've had a lot of drama in my life too and I know it's what's going on and everyone's lives just to let you know I'm doing hardmode hard mode pmo with my wife I don't accept relapses we don't accept relapses been married for 33 years occasionally having sex is not the answer you will have discovered each other in a different way if you completely stop you're doing nothing but complicating the issue by continuing to have sex just look into it

 

means he's hiding things that's reality, come clean is the only way.

 

nothing wrong with spouse being occasional ap, mind was and is, the sex addiction industry at $130 an hour on average is the problem, people are therapist with opinions values morals the impose on others what's right for one does not make it right for all.
as long as healing is together is what truly matters here.

 

33 years married hardmode pmo together so yeah I get it man de 91 of 180 120 275 365 whatever number it takes God chooses my wife decides pmdd help feel free to ask