Trying to gain back my SOs trust

This weekend has been a mixed bag. As far as my SO being at work and leaving me at home went, it was good. I felt positive and didn't feel like slipping into old habits (although my eldest daughter had kept me company without naps both Saturday and sunday). I did however think about how I feel like I have found it too easy so far considering how often I used to PM before d-day.

Sunday was a good day as well, still no issues, however we ended up in another argument on the evening because when my SO came back from work she found some things that looked a little suspect (hair in the toilet with what appeared to be a whitish substance floating amongst it, and a tissue next to her side of the bed crumpled up with something dried on it).

Obviously this would be a red flag to anyone however, I know that it wasn't anything to do with M, but obviously I have not yet earned her trust, leaving me in a situation where she is now questioning whether I have actually had any success at all since d-day.

Today is my eldest daughters 3rd birthday, so this morning we put any arguments aside and smiled for her. I'm confident still that I can continue to try and earn back my wife's trust and carry on successfully abstaining from P and M.

Thanks for the support so far guys, it's really appreciated!

 

Yesterday went well, I have managed to continue to follow the list and so far, I feel pretty good about it. I'm not sure if I should be adding anything to it yet but what I am doing feels like good progress, and actually writing on here more regularly helps as well.

As I said, it was my daughter's 3rd birthday yesterday, so the mood was positive and felt happy (which always makes things easier).

I will continue to follow the list and hopefully things will get better

 

I'm sorry I haven't been on here for the past couple of weeks, I've had a pretty bad time (entirely unrelated to nofap, but I'll try to explain anyway, because I feel like it might help in some way).

Roughly two years ago, my mam was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). This came as a shock, as she only had a slight issue with a limp when walking, but we thought MS to be a slow progressing disease and took it in our stride.

Over the next few months, we learned that it wasn't always as slow progressing as we had originally thought. My mam became more and more reliant on aids to walk until she eventually became wheelchair bound.

In June last year she struggled to much to feed herself that we had to start doing it for her as her hands could not hold the cutlery any more.

At the end of last year, my mam was given an appointment to see if she qualified for a stem cell transplant, which in theory would stop the progression, however, after several further tests, was told that, not only did she have MS, but she also had motor neurone disease (MND). This explained why, in the space of 18 months, she had gone from walking normally, living an entirely normal life, to being confined to a wheelchair and relying on hoists to move from bed, to shower chair, to car, to wheelchair, and needing my dad to do everything for her.

On the 25th June (My daughter's birthday) she was admitted to hospital with difficulty breathing, and despite for a time, seeming to get better, passed away on the 28th June.

I have not been in the right frame of mind to continue on my nofap journey since then, and my head has been a mess of emotions, and I have had to rely on my fantastic, and understanding SO a huge amount, but today is my first day back at work so I think it should be my first day back here as well.

Thanks for the support.

 

Naturally, since my Mam passed away, there have been some tremendous lows, but there has also been some good points too. I have got to say though that this time would have been so much harder without my SO, so to her, I am unbelievably grateful.

I have decided now, to start following my lists daily again and we have talked about how I'm coping with things generally. I feel like I might have been slightly selfish over the past couple of weeks (possibly understandibly) as I don't think I had fully taken into consideration the effect my Mams passing had on my wife, as they had known each other for over 10 years now. And that added to our current PMO situation must have been stressful, especially when my work on our relationship pretty much stopped. But I am now committed again, to work on healing things between us again.

 

No, as I've said previously, the past few weeks have been really tough for me, and as a result, have been really tough for my SO.

I have found it really difficult to balance my commitments to recovery (following my lists etc) and my grief, and the anxiety and depression that I feel left with.

However I have made a commitment to my wife and our family, so really need to step up.

At times, we have been having a good time, but the next minute I will be feeling miserable for no obvious reason and it will cause issues between us, and naturally, it is taking it's toll on my wife having to deal with my mood swings, as well as her own betrayal trauma, and to top it off, me not completing my lists.

So, on Monday I am going to see a counsellor to hopefully help me gain some kind of control over my emotions, and get back on track with life. But in the meantime, I am doubling my efforts to complete my lists and work on our relationship.

 

Yesterday felt a lot better.

My wife was at work, and I had the kids to look after, which worked really well to occupy me and distracted me from thoughts of PM, as well as the niggling of anxiety.

I managed to get some house chores done as well as finally putting up some pictures from the kids christenings on the wall.

I feel like my kids have probably been the main thing that have kept me going recently, as they really just don't have any idea what is going on, and they expect things to just keep going as normal.

I managed to complete my lists yesterday as well, and I intend on keeping it up. I still have a counselling session on Monday to try and work through some of my underlying issues, but I feel like my outlook has been a little more positive again.

 

The past few days have gone really well. My wife is currently half way through her working week (5 shifts starting on thursday and ending on tuesday) and I have been left in the house on my own ( with the kids of course) and so far, I have had no issues at all (even though parts of the time I've been alone has been at times I would have previously PM'd).

I think part of my success has been down to the fact that I have been keeping myself busy. I have a load of work to do towards my pre registration portfolio for work, and I have been trying to make progress with that while I've been alone. Along with having the kids to look after (a 3 year old that is constantly after attention and an 11 month old who is just finding her legs), I have been pretty well occupied!

I have also created a list of triggers and what to do if I am triggered or get an urge (the No1 thing being: message my wife). This means I will be able to effectively combat any issues that I face.

 

Day 135.

So, I've added a day counter to my phone, kind of to remind myself how well I've done so far in my journey. I think I've reached a point that I can start to be proud of (I know to some it seems pathetic that I could be proud to have gone 135 days without P or M, but I am), and I'm gonna put it at the top of each journal entry.

I meant to add a quote in my last post that I have really come to understand and now use to remind myself to keep me busy; "Idle hands are the devil's playthings". Now I'm not especially religious, but since I began my nofap journey, I have come to realise how true this phrase is.

 

Day 136.

So yesterday felt stressful, the kids were a bit of a nightmare (the eldest has decided to start wetting herself quite a bit recently, and yesterday we went through about eight pairs of underwear/trousers, and the youngest has been teething together with having a cold, topped off with starting to furniture walk, meaning I was run ragged). With regards PMO, however, I was most certainly kept busy enough to have no issues.

I had my first counselling session yesterday, and I'm not sure what I think so far, but we will see as I'm scheduled in for more.

Today I have taken the kids swimming, and went for a walk to town and back, keeping myself active to try and improve my mood.

I have also been doing more exercise generally as part of my lists, and I think I'm noticing a difference, physically and mentally, and I'm actually enjoying doing it.

I had been trying out meditation, before my mam passed away, but have kind of stopped (although this is probably the time that it would be most helpful), so I think I may attempt to start that again at some point.

 

Day 138.

Yesterday and today have been another couple of good days. The past week has actually felt very positive, and considering the way I was the few weeks before, it feels very good, and certainly makes everything regarding PMO that bit easier.

I have taken the plunge and subscribed to headspace, a meditation app, so I intend making time to start meditating again (although finding quiet time in this house with the kids around is nearly impossible!)

I have continued with the exercise and feel energised and actually excited to keep doing it. My wife is at work tomorrow morning, and I've got the kids again, so I'll have my work cut out (in actual fact, I do love spending the time with them, and they definitely keep me on my toes!)

This weekend, we are going to a wedding, so we have something to look forward to, so I feel pretty excited about the next few days.

 

Day 139.

Today has been a good day, but for an unknown reason, an exhausting one. I have loved spending more time with my kids and my wife over the past few weeks, and I feel like I'm starting to become more positive and upbeat about things (although, as @TryingHard2Change mentioned elsewhere, I am trying to curtail my positivity so I don't inadvertently piss off my SO, though it is difficult when you're striving to look on the bright side).

I had the thought recently, that I had always hated sexism and mysoginism when "men" spoke about women in groups. I never got into discussions about women's body parts with friends etc. But since I started this journey, I have come to realise that I was just as bad as they were. It pains me to say it, but I was just as sexist and mysoginistic as them, it was just hidden from plain sight.

Anyway, I'm at a wedding tomorrow, which I'm pretty excited for, and then I'm back at work next week, so fingers crossed this newfound positivity, powers me through my work.

 

Day 142.

Well, this weekend was awesome. Great wedding, with great company, and somehow, not too bad a hangover!

Gonna be starting back at work on Wednesday on a phased return, and generally I'm feeling pretty good about it. Actually kind of looking forward to getting back into a routine, although will miss spending as much time with the kids and family.

 

Day 143.

Today has not been such a good day, and it's entirely my own fault.

My nephew came over for a while, as it's the holidays and I had been planning on taking him and the kids to the park, so I needed to get the pushchair out of my car. While I was doing this, my wife saw me look at a group of people go past up the street (one of them being a young woman). After this, I looked back up the street twice.

I can remember noticing the people walk past, but I'm not sure why I looked. We have made so much progress, and I have felt recently that we had started to be happier with each other and started seriously talking about the future again.

I know that even now, there is more I could have been doing, but any of the progress we had made is now broken.

I just feel like I keep hurting her over and over again without meaning to, and now this nofap streak means nothing as she doesn't believe it's even real anymore, and who would when I have put her through so much shit.

I really need to get my shit together or we won't be talking about our future together much more.