Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 383.

I feel like a bit of a failure as instead of doing FANOS to create some connection last night, after my dad left we had a fairly heated argument driving us apart again. It was about something pathetic as well, and I wasn't willing to back down. Turned out my POV on this "diacussion" was wrong, but by the time I discovered this and tried to apologise, Tan was no longer willing to hear me out. So instead of connection, we shared a terrible night's sleep.

Hopefully today can be better, and I still want to try and do FANOS again tonight.

I've been listening to a podcast by the betrayed, the addicted and the expert featuring Clay Olsen from "Fight the New Drug" talking about various different topics from talking to kids, to the effect it has on you from a more scientific POV, and how porn is using underhand tactics to target younger and younger people.

 

Day 384.

Yesterday was better. We did FANOS, I feel like Tan thinks it's pointless but I think I'd like to persevere with it, see if it can be helpful over time. I definitely felt more connected to Tan last night though, and the mood this morning was pleasant and light. I'd like to think that this will be maintained.

I apologised again for the argument and that it was so pointless. I'd like to think I'm humble enough to admit when I'm wrong, and I know I've been wrong plenty in the past.

Thanks @Committed to One, your post definitely aided in making my day feel more positive, and I really do appreciate everyone's posts of support recently, it means a lot!



I've just finished listening to a podcast on polygraph tests and their pros and cons.

They mentioned that it could be good for creating safety for the SO in the relationship, but probably wouldn't be a good way to build trust, as passing a lie detector wouldn't make someone trustworthy. That can only be achieved with time and consistent effort.

Tan has mentioned them in the past, and I am definitely open to it, if there is a chance it would give her back some safety in our relationship.

 

Day 387.

This weekend has been pretty good, we got work done on the house (not as much as we hoped but some none the less), and we haven't done any arguing, which is great.

It's been a bit stressful at times, with kids acting up, and generally being naughty at times, but I think we have managed okay.

I spent yesterday fixing the brakes on my car with my dad, which I enjoyed, and drove to work this morning without incident which is a bonus!

I'm thinking of doing FANOS with Tan again tonight, not sure if she will like to or not but I'll ask her.

I just listened to a podcast about SOs betraying themselves which is basically where they don't speak what they think about things, and not acknowledging feelings about things. Just staying quiet to keep the peace. I think (or at least hope) that Tan is comfortable enough with me that this doesn't happen with us.

 

Day 388.

Last night was good and chilled, but I didn't push Tan to do FANOS, we were both tired and drained, and I thought that just chilling out together would be good.

I have put thought into my FANOS answers though, and added to them through today and hope to propose it later, either today or tomorrow. Tan is on a late shift tonight, so chances are that it will be tomorrow, but I'm feeling good and positive today with Tan. I've said it before, but the way we say goodbye on a morning is a good guide to how the day will go, and this morning was pretty nice.

 

Day 389.

Last night was difficult because of a tantruming, infuriating 3 1/2 yo. She was a pain to say the least, while Tan was at work, but she settled down to bed eventually and I managed to get some food, and tidy up a little.

Tan finished late, and we were both knackered, so after Tan finished a quick cuppa we went to bed and spooned in bed and fell asleep together. Sometimes it's just nice to do that. We didn't do FANOS, but I hope to do it tonight.

I've just finished listening to a podcast about a site called vid angel, which is a company that uses technology to filter movies and TV series of whatever you want, whether it be nudity or violence or bad language, they allow you to filter it. Like taking the nudity out of game of thrones for example.

They also create their own original content. They have created a load of family friendly comedy shows, with some big comedy names called the dry bar, and also intend creating some new original series of their own.

Has anyone heard of these guys, and what do you know of them?

 

Day 390.

I totally forgot that my dad was coming over for food last night, and I'd like to say thanks to Tan for making some awesome lamb chops, they were truly delicious! As a result me and Tan spoke and decided we would give FANOS a miss again last night, and intend doing it tonight.

Things have felt pretty good over the past few days, and I feel happy and positive again, even though we both are coming down with a cold, and I think the youngest is probably picking it up too.

I've just listened to a podcast on what actually defines a sex/porn addict as someone posted a negative review about them. It was quite interesting as they agreed with them on a couple of points with regards to the possible over labelling of sex addiction, but said that if you experience increasing rates/duration of use, you are using it to numb out or escape life, and are experiencing negative effects from the use and struggle to stop despite this, then it's probably an addiction.

 

Day 391.

I'm starting to feel a little ashamed that we didn't do FANOS again last night, but I'm glad I can say that it's not because of arguing or bad moods that it keeps getting postponed but because we've been really tired and unwell that we didnt. We will talk about it tonight again, and hopefully do it later.

This weekend should be good, and I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with the family. We're going to a "food festival" tomorrow which I'm looking forward to, but will be spreading some sub base hardcore ready for a concrete pour before that.

I aim to be on here over the weekend, as it's something I often struggle with when I'm out of routine I don't do the work like I do during the week.

 

Day 393.

We've had a pretty good weekend so far, it's been nice to just spend time with Tan and the kids.

We went to a food festival yesterday, which was good, but way too busy. We ended up coming away early as it was hard to get about with two kids, but we did get some stuff, but quite happily spent less than usual!

We went out for food as a family last night which was good, and the kids did pretty well with Chinese food.

We've got grocery shopping and Sunday lunch to look forward to today, and only a four day working week next week!

 

Day 394.

This weekend has been good but tiring. We had some good family time and spent some time chilling as well but we've been on the go a lot as well. Managed to fix the broken kitchen sink, we shoved 2 metric tons of sub base with Tan for our garage foundations, we ate loads of crap ("good") food and walked a fair distance.

Today however, I'm tired. Which isn't anything different to usual, but I feel pretty lethargic today at work.

We look to have a house full for food tonight, where we expected to only have my dad a couple of days ago. Gonna be eating a stew called panaculty which is a family favourite.


I've just listened to a podcast about grief in recovery. It talks about the betrayed having to grieve the betrayal and loss of the relationship as it was, as well as the addict having to do the same for the loss of the relationship in its former form, and the loss of porn.

It explains that grief is something that we actually go through all the time in varying ways, as it is the way we come to terms with things. An example they gave was that if you were running late for a flight and didnt make it in time, you would have to grieve over it. Admittedly it isn't comparable to the grief experience when losing a loved one, but it is a situation where something bad has happened that you have to come to terms with, and the stages are often the same, it's just important that you don't get stuck in any of the stages of grief for any length of time.

 

Day 395.

Yesterday was pretty good, we had family round for food and Tan did a great job, and did just enough for me to take some for my lunch today which I'm grateful for.

Today has been really busy and I feel a little stressed about it, but I think this afternoon will be better.

I'm looking forward to the four day weekend, I expect to be doing work on the house over it but that will be good too, and hopefully plenty of family time together with it.

Tonight we have no plans, so I hope to do FANOS with Tan again.

I've just listened to a podcast about cross addiction, where, when recovering from addiction, another addiction takes its place. Like a lesser evil.

There are quite a few common instances of it, and some might not be obvious because many people have them such as an addiction to eating, mobile phones or social media, but some are more obvious such as alcohol and drugs (and not necessarily a lesser evil).

I can understand how they could be a source of addiction, as I used to use my phone and scroll social media way more than I should have. I have now limited my exposure to social media, and rarely go on (maybe once a week). They provide an alternative way to "numb out" but aren't necessarily any better or more healthy.

 

Day 396.

Today is going good so far, I'm feeling positive and happy, and work is going well.

We did FANOS last night, and it was one of the first where I felt like it was good and felt good afterwards. I'm not sure if Tan felt the same, but I felt good after.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, its hopefully gonna be spent finishing prepping for the garage base, and pouring some concrete so we can arrange for the garage to be built and creating a shiny new home for my 1972 VW camper van!


I've just been listening to a podcast about numbing out emotions. Everyone numbers out to some extent, avoiding difficult emotions by doing something, watching something or listening to something to distract/replace the emotion.

Its uncomfortable to acknowledge difficult emotions, and easy to watch some TV or scroll Facebook, but facing the emotion will allow it to be processed and potentially help to resolve it. Numbing out with something is just a temporary fix and will just see it coming up again in the future.

I have to admit that TV is something that both Tan and myself use to numb out with. If things are not great, we just chuck some TV on and ignore the problem for a while, and obviously it doesn't help. I'm trying to face these things more, but sometimes it's still difficult.

 

Day 397.

Yesterday went well, not too busy and was able to help my colleagues in other sections. Today is going much the same and it's essentially Friday today (because of good Friday and Easter Monday bank holidays) meaning a four day weekend!

Yesterday I decided to start back up doing my exercise again. I stopped doing it a few months ago because I was injured and I never got back into it. I want to resolve to consistently exercise again, because although it's only been a few months, I feel like I have lost a lot of what I gained.

I've been listening to a podcast on emotional maturity today. It is where we act immaturely to difficult emotions like with a fight or flight response (get angry and argue, or run away from the situation), instead of identifying the emotions, and dealing with the things that are causing them.

This is definitely something that I've always struggled with; identifying my emotions and dealing with them calmly and mindfully, and is something I'd like to work on.

 

Day 402.

This weekend has been hard work, but good. But I think that I've used the fact that it's been so busy to avoid, or distract from recovery work. I havent talked to Tan about any avoids I've had, and I've not been on NoFap at all since last Thursday. We have made great progress on the house, but not in our relationship or recovery.

I have continued exercise, I did miss a couple of days, but we had some pretty intensely physical days pouring concrete etc, which was probably more exercise than my exercises!

I look forward to moving forward though, and making further progress on the house, and working on us.

 

Day 403.

We have been really tired for days, so last night we cooked and tidied up, ate and watched a little telly, then went to bed.

I still feel guilty for my lackadaisical effort over the weekend, but I hope to do FANOS tomorrow night. I would have done it tonight, but Tan is on a late shift meaning she will be in late.

I think a big thing that's hanging over us at the moment is the fact that I'm gonna be best man at my friend's wedding in a few months, and am meant to be co-planning his "stag" party, but the thought of it causing Tan to be triggered. I've no interest in doing anything dodgy, but obviously the whole thing is making Tan feel anxious. I think this is one of the big things causing tension between is at the moment though. I just want to make it as easy as possible for her, but I'm not sure what to do (probably talking to Tan about it would be a good start).

 

Day 404..

Thanks @hope4healing, I did talk to her, and it was obvious that all of the concerns that caused you stress are the same, she mentioned that she thinks I'm probably thrilled at the prospect of going out and getting involved in all the stuff that happens in stag parties. I have tried to reassure her about it, and that I appreciate that it is causing her pain and anxiety. I have no intentions at all of doing anything hurtful, and the party is actually causing me a deal of anxiety as well, but Tan cant trust what I'm saying, and it ended up becoming an argument.

I wanted to start a calm discussion about it and include Tan in the planning, but it didnt work out like that, and ended up off topic. I understand that I'm not the most trustworthy, and my consistency has a part to play in that, but I don't know how to make her see that I'm not interested in hurting her.

I kind of wish it wasnt happening, but it is, and if I didnt get involved, I know that I would regret it, but it is making me sick with worry about how its affecting Tan.

I just listened to a podcast about boundaries, and it seemed like something worth listening to with Tan, and possibly relevant to this situation.

 

Day 405.

Last night was a bad night. We had a fight about the stag party, instead of talking and staying calm.

I have not managed to get the time off work to go on the stag party, which made me a bit upset. Tan suggested I phone up the "stag" to arrange going out with him for a pint instead. I wanted to try and talk to the other guys organising it to see if dates could be changed first, before falling back on Tan's suggestion. I think, though, at this point, Tan had got her hopes up about me not going on the party that she felt that my persistence of going on the stag party was putting that over her feelings.

The dates couldn't be changed, but Tan already felt as though I had dismissed her feelings. We got the kids to bed and sat in silence for quite a while, and I was worried that things would end up the same as they had the other week, where we ended up not really talking to each other for days.

I decided to bring it up, and tried to tell her that I felt that it was important to me personally that I tried to go on the stag party, as he is one of my best friends, but things quickly escalated as Tan didnt want to talk about it, but I wouldn't let it go back to silence. Tan got increasingly annoyed and I started to gaslight, making things worse until she snapped, shouted at me and left the room. She messaged me later that she no longer thought that she wanted to be with me.

I feel at a loss, and I don't know how to make things better, and I don't know if Tan wants to stick around to see if I can. I'm worried I've burned my bridges.

 

Day 407.

This weekend has actually been pretty good. We went for a date night last night (which we havent been able to do for a long time) and had tapas and watched a film. It was good and was nice to chill out, eat good food together child free.

We spent the day just sorting bits and Bob's out and took the kids to my dads for him and my brother to look after which was really successful.

Today, after our lie in, we've been grocery shopping and for Sunday dinner which was nice. We also decided to kick up exercise regimes together, to motivate each other, which hopefully we'll stick to.