Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 369.

Last night was good, we talked about random crap, and I think me and Tan bored my dad into leaving talking about pensions, work and concrete...

I've been listening to a podcast today which discusses what to do if you find your child watches porn.

Now I hope that there is a good while before this is relevant seeing as our eldest is not even 4 yet, but it's interesting none the less.

The initial reaction is important, to not let it be an over reaction or a freak-out, and to not fill them with shame over it, as that will just lead them into hiding it from you. It's important to be calm and mindful before doing anything, and the relationship you already have with them can make a huge difference. If you already have an open and trusting relationship, where difficult subjects can be discussed, then it's more likely that this conversation will go well.

You need to be upfront about it, don't try and set up a trap to catch them in a lie, just tell them that you found something in their search history (or whatever) and validate that the conversation might make them awkward or uncomfortable and just say something like "I don't want this in your life, and I want to help you with it", but talk about the reasoning behind why and how they came across it.

I think that it would be super awkward, but could be really good to go through, and possibly have a big, positive impact with their "relationship" with porn.

 

Day 370.

I'm tired and groggy today, but I'm okay in the knowledge that I've got the weekend ahead of me (hopefully not spent ill...)

Today I've been listening to a podcast comparing being nice to real honesty; being compliant instead of true.

They used an example as if you're really tired on a night and want to go to bed, but your SO insists on you doing the dishes before bed, not to just buckle because you've hurt her, but also not to simply say I'm not doing the dishes. The dishes are a symbol of your SO wanting you to show that they mean something to you still.

Acknowledging that is the important thing but to still have a backbone and stay true is important too.

This is a fairly simplified analogy but kinda explains what they are saying. It is something I've struggled with, not just in relationships, but in my whole life in general, I have no backbone, and do anything for an easy life, and is something I need to work on.

 

It was, I imagine it could be really awkward, but it talks of ways to broach the subject as well. It's from The betrayed, the addicted and the expert. They have loads of good podcasts about different situations from both the PAs and the SOs point of view, along with input from a CSAT. Hope you find it interesting!

 

Day 372.

Yesterday started terribly. Without going into too much detail, the day started off with illness (that had to be fixed with imodium...).

Despite feeling ill, and waking up at 3:30 am, we spent the entire day digging out foundations for our new garage which is hopefully going to be built in the next month or so.

We had an early night last night, and got a good night's sleep from the kids too, but we are still totally knackered this morning, but feeling much better! Hopefully another good night's sleep tonight will have us better rested for work (I feel old when my favourite place to be is in bed asleep...)!

 

Day 373.

The weekend was good overall pretty tiring but good. Last night Tan and I had an argument, and we haven't really talked about it today properly so I want to talk to her about it later to sort it out (I need to be proactive and not just let it slide until its "forgotten about").

I've just finished off listening to the podcast about being "nice" vs honesty. It's actually quite interesting. I never thought about it, but I try to never have to make decisions to avoid conflict. I always just go with what everyone else wants. Recently I've changed in some areas, but their are other areas I could improve, and I intend to. Even when it comes to choosing what to eat for tea, or where to go for food (@Tan3110 can attest to that). I hated making decisions in case they were rejected.

The podcast discussed that, and actually giving opinions, even on simple in-consequential things like that can improve trust. The knowledge that you are speaking the truth and not just placating but being honest, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

Day 375.

We argued again the other night, so it wasn't resolved and TBH, she thinks I'm still lying about stuff which is difficult for me, but understandable why she would think that way still.

Last night was painful, we just didn't talk at all once the kids went to bed. I take responsibility for that, my communication skills are horrendous when I'm in that kind of situation, but I was desperate to say something, anything, just to break the silence, but the longer I left it the harder and more uncomfortable it got.

I talked to her this morning, and apologised but I'm not sure it makde much difference. She was talking about giving up because nothing seems to change. I think the main thing that needs to change is my uneasiness around communicating meaningfully and regularly about recovery.

I've spent my lunch hour searching for good tools to use for daily check ins, what kind of things to discuss and what each person can talk about. It was difficult to find stuff very useful, but what I did find was similarly structured to FANOS, so I think I need to get over my uneasiness and just do it, open up and start the communicating. I hope we still have life left in us. We have a lot to look forward to if we learn to talk about the hard stuff better.

 

Difficult to hear her tell me she thinks I'm still lying about PMing.

I always find it difficult to start talking about this stuff, and I already knew that Tan was in a bad mood, which put my anxiety around starting the conversation even higher. Naturally this just made the whole situation worse though (just as I knew it would).

Thanks so much for your words of support, it means a great deal to read!


We talked yesterday some more, things are still rocky, but better than if we hadn't talked, hopefully things will get better still.

 

Day 377.

We have been talking more the past couple of days, but without the kids we seem to be arguing for no obvious reason about unimportant things. Tan has said she has struggled to sleep over the past week, and constantly feels panicked by the thought that I may be masturbating next to her in the bed.

I have in the past done this on a couple of occasions, while she was asleep, which is why she has the worry that I would do it again. To be clear, I absolutely have not M'd, or watched P since d-day.

Tan is at work for the next 5 days (over mothers day here in the UK) so we are gonna go for food tonight after work with the kids and hopefully that will be good fun. The rest of the weekend is devoted to working on the house while looking after the kids ("helping" to dig foundations for a new garage...)

 

Thanks for the response @Jon82, I will be sure to have a look.

This weekend has actually been much better, and I feel like we are in a better place going into this week. I hope we can start to communicate a bit better going forward. The weekend has been good for other reasons as well, and was a good time yesterday to talk to my dad and brother, and we went for a walk with the kids, as well as on Saturday managing to get to a good point digging out the foundations on the garage.

I've been listening to a podcast today about EMDR (Eye Movement, Desensitization, Reprocessing) and to be honest, half of it has gone over my head. It's a type of therapy for dealing with traumatic events in our past that are affecting our subconscious in the present. If anyone has any more info, please share it.

 

Day 381.

Yesterday was busy and today even more so, but I'm on top of it and hopefully will get through all my work.

I've been listening to a podcast (here) about objectification and how the anxiety behind it can be more likely to hijack the situation than lust, for both the PA and the SO.

The key is to be honest about noticing attractivity in others, but to remain mindful and "present" to avoid the anxiety around it caused by desperately trying to not see other women.

I have to admit that noticing attractive women leads me to become anxious quite often, which sounds like it happens in other people as well. I do practice mindfulness through meditation, but anxiety still takes hold. I guess just staying honest and being mindful will hopefully help.



Thanks @hope4healing for the info!
and thanks @deannab106 for the congrats, I still have plenty to work at, but a lot has happened in the last year!

 

Day 382.

It's been a while since we checked in again, and I feel like we should have another soon, so I hope to try out FANOS again tonight hopefully. There are some difficult emotions that we have been processing outside of Nofap (not to be discussed here yet, maybe in the future) but that doesn't mean I should put recovery on the back burner as that's what keeps leading back to arguments.

My dad is round tonight so I'll have to fit FANOS in either before or after he gets in. I hope it will be good.

I just listened to a podcast about sex after betrayal, and it's really interesting to here both sides of the story. It can be something traumatic, the thought of having sex with the PA but them not actually "being there" in there mind. I know I used to spend a lot of time in my mind during sex, but it's something I don't do anymore. It's meant to be about connection and intimacy, not just getting off. It should be more than that, and try to make it as mutual as possible every time now.