Trying To Find Rainbows Through The Rain.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Bubblegum15, Jul 29, 2018.

  1. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

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    No-one really chooses to love a PA do they? They enter a relationship full of hope and eventually it, and your entire world comes crashing down. I was musing today whilst I sat in the car after running to the shops. Watching couples walk past and wonder what people think when they look at us? They don't see a PA and his struggling SO as they try to navigate this messed up foreign land.

    Something shifted over the past few days, I can't really explain what but it's like I am seeing things clearly for the first time in a while. The fog has lifted.

    I love him, but I love me more. I will no longer put myself second to his needs.

    I am not responsible for my partners urges. His addiction and his PIED are his issues, they were not caused by me and however much I try I cannot 'save' him. It is his battle to fight. I will support him, but I will not control or fight the battle for him, he has to do it for himself which admittedly he has not been doing. He is white knuckling it and failing and attempting to gaslight and lie.

    Oddly, I don't care. I can walk away from this relationship and although it will hurt, I will recover. Unless you get your act together, you will suffer from this affliction for the rest of your life. That is your cross to bear, not mine.

    This new revelation is startling. I feel strange, lighter even.

    I will do things for me. I've given him enough chances.

    We are together. I have given him 30 days to make dramatic changes or I will be leaving.

    I have never felt so sure of something in my life.
     
  2. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

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    Today was different, although rocky initially it did settle down.

    He has stated that he will start attending SAA meetings which I am impressed at. He had said that he was initially going to make contact with them today to find out where the meeting place was however failed to do that before work. I got triggered and began to feel unsafe. He became defensive. He never does know how to handle my feelings.

    However after we had both calmed down he then asked how to make me feel safe again. This meant more than he realised and he apologised for not sending the email, not understanding the significance behind it. He has sent it now.

    This then moved onto a conversation surrounding defence mechanisms. He is very guilty of using denial and displacement to defend himself. He often turns to M when he cannot cope with his emotions because it’s easier than having to face them head on. He agreed this is something he actively has to work on and retrain his brain to deal with his emotions in a positive way rather than turning to that.

    Although through conversations we discussed my own reaction to situations. I am also guilty. Whenever I become triggered, mainly by PIED in the bedroom I tend to regress and throw a tantrum. I will work on this.

    We have connected more over the last few days than seemingly we ever have and shockingly he was the one to point it out. He is enjoying this new found intimacy which comes with talking about triggers and feelings.

    I am impressed but apprehensive. I love the way he is starting to truly engage in his recovery by imitating these conversations and thriving on the intimacy however I have been in this position before and I will reserve judgment for now.

    I hope it lasts.
     
  3. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

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    Things are rocky in the aspect of the relationship and questionable with my own feelings of self worth.

    All I want is a partner who respects me enough to tell me the truth, to work through things together, to only desire me. Instead I get the opposite and I wonder what I did to deserve it.

    We’re fighting, he doesn’t understand my triggers and thinks I’m over-reacting. One of these days I’ll show him what overreacting is. Thursday is a big trigger for me due to him having a day off and always resorting back to that then lying to me. Everything about this day puts me on edge.

    He’s attending his first SA meeting tonight, we’ll see how it goes. I don’t want to have to leave but I will if it comes to my sanity, which I fear might be slipping.

    On the drive home from work today I was musing about having a house in the country, just me and the dogs. Opportunities are coming up with a job, moving far away. I know it’s running but I’d consider it. A fresh start would be nice.

    I just want to be happy again, i don’t remember how that feels.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2019
  4. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

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    One week since the 30 day deadline and things are different. He has attended a SA meeting, been posting regularly and reading articles, but then again he is always very determined when he is first caught.

    He has decided to start ‘hard mode’, which on one level does annoy me because I wasn’t part of that decision making process. Again, he made choices for him and took mines away. Now I am suspicious, one way to tell if he is back on PMO is when he does, he experiences PIED, every time. Now I am wondering if he is using this excuse of hard mode to hide the fact that he still has PIED because he is still PMOing. Time will tell.

    Im terrified because I don’t think we should be together. I don’t think we’re right for each other right now because I can’t stand the way that he makes me doubt my own sanity. I can’t stand hearing something come out his mouth and not being able to tell if it is the truth or not (99% of the time I don’t believe him). I’m scared of how easily he can look me in the eye and lie and not flinch, if he’s capable of that what else is he capable of? How is it possible to love someone and hurt them so much at the same time. Does he even love me?

    I don’t want that in a relationship. This is not where I imagined my life to be and i can’t see how I can possibly build one now with him. I’m tired of doubting the person I see every time i look in the mirror.

    It’s not even porn that’s really the issue anymore it’s MO. How can you resort to that when you have a partner? I don’t understand it, every time I try to it hurts, relationships aren’t supposed to hurt this much!

    I love him, I don’t love his addiction.

    I’m slowly starting to disconnect. I don’t think that I feel the same way two or even three d-days ago.

    A leopard can’t change its spots.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2019
  5. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t know how I feel about him anymore. I’m distancing myself, withdrawing intimacy and I know I am but it’s for my own protection.

    He’s minimising, not truly accepting the damage that he’s done and getting annoyed whenever it’s brought up. He’s fine dealing with my emotions and betrayal in an abstract context but when it’s specific he can’t handle it. For example, looking me in the eye and swearing down on his family and my life that he hadn’t relapsed etc - he can’t discuss this because he’s disgusted with himself and doesn’t like to feel it.

    He has horrible PIED right now, story of our relationship. What does sex even feel like anymore? It certainly wasnt like this before him!

    He said that he’s not relapsed (this time) but his PIED says otherwise. He’s posting, researching and selfishly wants the same support i offered three d-days ago. I’m waiting for the truth to come out that he has. My bags are packed, my exit route planned.

    I’m sick of this constant rejection in the bedroom. I did not imagine a life at 24 with this weighing me down and again I’m reminded how easy it would be to leave and never look back.

    I’m tired of the lies and betrayal, I just want a normal relationship where if he says he used baby wipes to clean a shoe, I don’t automatically jump to the conclusion that it’s to ‘clean up’.

    But again, I’m the paranoid one!
     
    hope4healing and Susannah like this.

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