Trying To Find Rainbows Through The Rain.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Bubblegum15, Jul 29, 2018.

  1. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    The Discovery.

    My boyfriend has a Porn Addiction.

    My sweet, caring and thoughtful boyfriend, who just a month or two ago I could see myself spending the rest of my life with has an addiction to pornography. My sweet, caring and thoughtful boyfriend who I was about to put a deposit down on a house with has a porn addiction. The same person who I have been best friends with since we were 12 has a porn addiction. Even thinking about it, typing it or saying it out makes me want to vomit.

    How could I not know that my boyfriend of three years has such a serious porn addiction that he can barely clear 48 hours without some form of pornography? And that's on a good day.

    I suppose looking back there are always signs, you never just have one D-day, do you? At the time you first discover the links to P, folders filed with photos of P-subs or start to question the strange things he's asking you to do, the first thing on your mind is never a PA is it? There were always signs, particularly in the bedroom. Inability to perform, which has now been attributed to PIED, DE, never feeling truly 'connected' during sex, always wanting to try strange fetishes and unable to perform if those fetishes weren't met, death grip .. etc ... etc.

    For me it took 5 d-days to not only finally break through to him but also to myself what he was like. The first few times he did the usual, apologised and said it didn't mean anything and that it would never happen again. Like a fool I believed him and like any PA he capitalised on that and continued to play me like a fool.

    My self esteem took the hit and I tailspinned further and further down a dark hole. Every time I closed my eyes the images I had found on the iPad burned into the back of my eyelids. Why wasn't I enough? Was I not skinny enough? Were my boobs not big enough like what he preferred on P? I cried myself to sleep most nights because when we tried to have sex, he couldn't perform. When he did it was only because I said things to go along with whatever fantasies he was into at that moment. I felt so dirty and used during those moments, desperate for it to be over but at times we were still there 40 minutes later. Most of the time he would have to finish through M. He knew how uncomfortable it made me, I told him so but nothing changed. I begged him to go to the doctors, not realising at the time that his ED was due to PMO. Each time I caught him or in an argument he said he would. Of course he never did.

    In the morning it was like it never happened, the man I loved returned, for a brief while anyway. Which is why I stayed with him.

    The final time was the worst just a few days ago. I had found p-subs on the iPad the week prior and we had a huge argument, where again he had swore he would change. Fast forward a week and I was on his iPad, admittedly snooping, but he had sent photos to himself. Again, we argued but this time I lost it. He had said that he had purposely sent those photos to himself to try and catch me snooping. ME? He was the one in the wrong but suddenly he was trying to set a trap for me! As you can imagine, it was the final straw. I packed bags, I ripped up pictures and memories, valentines, Christmas and birthday cards I had gotten him over the years and threw them at him. DVDs we had burned of videos from holidays I snapped and launched at him. Looking back now, I don't even remember much of it, I can only remember the pain. The pain was so intense I felt like I couldn't breathe and at that point I wasn't even sure I wanted to anymore. How could someone who claimed to love me put me through so much pain? How could he watch me cry myself to sleep every night, thinking it was me and not come forward and admit it?

    I think he hit rock bottom at that moment. He begged for forgiveness, admitting he had a problem. He begged me to help him and told me about how dirty and ashamed he felt and has felt for years, how he wanted to change for him and me. The truth came out and it hurt. He has been watching P since he was around 10, and admitted he was addicted since around 14/15. He knew all along he had PIED but didn't know what to say. He has had trouble in every relationship he had been in. We are 23, I have been his friend since we were around 12/13, how did I not know this? Don't get me wrong, back when we were still in school together I knew he watched P, but I didn't truly understand how damaging it was. I thought it was just a teenage thing that every boy seemed to go through. How wrong I was. I knew he watched P in his last relationship but he had promised me he had stopped when we got together. He didn't and has been engaging in PMO at least 3 times per week, P a lot more than that for three years.

    This time I am a little more hopeful. He has been to a doctor for help, I went with him. He has signed up to this website and will begin to journal. He has installed ever accountable on his devices and has made me his accountability partner. He has agreed to a reboot, we are trying 30 days 'hard mode' before attempting to no PM option. He has suggested couples therapy for both of us to heal. He is communicating with me, each night before bed we talk about that day and how we are feeling. He tells me if he has had any urges and how he has overcome them, what triggered them and what he can do in the future to avoid them. I tell him how I am feeling, how I am coping or how I'm not.

    I do feel we're connecting but I don't know how to trust. My anxiety and self-loathing shoots through the roof when we're apart. I can't look over his shoulder forever, I know that nor do I want to. I feel awful for continuously checking up on him as it is. It is now day 4 since the latest D-Day and although things are looking up, I know there will be slip ups. It's the lying that bothers me the most. Am I not worth telling the truth to?

    The worst thing is, I can't even hate him because I know it's the addiction. I have studied psychology for five years to post graduate level and now teach the subject. I also have experience of family members who have experienced addiction. I know it's an illness, a cruel and terrible illness that the PA cannot help, but it doesn't make it any easier.

    However, one things for sure, he's no longer my sweet, caring and thoughtful boyfriend, I don't even recognise him anymore. I don't even recognise myself.

    I'm trying to be strong for him to overcome this addiction and I hope this journal can help me in the process. I feel as though I'm drowning, but I don't want to be saved. If I'm being strong for him, who's being strong for me?
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2018
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  2. First I want to say that I am happy you found NoFap. I am sorry for what you've been through, but a lot of SO's will be able to relate to your story (I do to an extent).

    Couples therapy is best when both parties are able/capable of being present, honest, and there is safety in a relationship. I think individual therapy would be beneficial first for him, and for you for your betrayal trauma (if you don't know what that is, check out my resources thread in my signature)

    I felt that way too, and that is a sign of betrayal trauma, you are looking for safety, wanting to make sure nothing bad happens to hurt you. It's a normal part of the healing process.

    Ahhh! Yay another Psych person on here! I am almost finished with my Forensic Psych BA and plan on studying Forensic Mental Health counseling for my Masters and am interning at a Family Justice Center soon. If you ever want to talk Psych, PM me! I bug my husband enough with all my psych talk haha
     
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Welcome.
    At least you discovered before you bought the house?
    A house is a 30 year commitment.
    Thats a long time.
    You can now look at things and make boundaries and decide what to do, respectively... And take some time without the extra panic of "crap! I Just bought a house with this person and I'm trapped in it!" (that's my story)
    If you need anything, please feel free to ask.
    We are all here for you.
    -Kenzi
     
  4. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    Thank you, writing things down helps to vent and I’m glad of the realisation before any big commitments happen. We still live together (with parents) just haven’t bought our own place yet.

    Why can’t they be considerate and come with a warning label? You know “Hey I’m a PA, I’ll more than likely hurt you in more ways you can imagine, so up to you if you decide to give this a shot.” Ideal world eh.

    The psychology thing would be great, psychology is amazing ... sometimes until you understand everything and can’t really get mad at them because you understand it so well.
     
  5. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    Anger.

    Right now all I seem to be feeling is anger and I can't seem to control it. I'm angry he let himself get this way in the first place. I'm angry that he didn't have the decency to tell me in the beginning. I'm angry that he lied to me for three years before I eventually found out. I'm angry that he allowed me to spend those three years believing it was me. Yes, don't get me wrong I'm proud that he's embarking on this journey to try and better himself and hopefully us, but I'm angry he hasn't bothered his backside before now. In a twisted way, I'm also angry at his parents. Who lets a 10 year old on a computer unsupervised so much so that he begins to develop an addiction?! I'm angry at me. I've known him for years, and just dismissed his admissions of watching porn as a thing that teenage boys do. I'm angry I never stepped in earlier instead of laughing it off.

    Over the past few days I've been angry for a different reason. I'm angry that all of a sudden he is so positive. He is scarily optimistic (don't get me wrong, I'm glad) about this full thing. The full everything is going to be ok thing, I'll beat this, I'm stubborn, it'll be easy if I don't focus on it etc. That makes me mad. If it is so easy to beat, you could have and should have done it years ago. It's an addiction, it takes hold. It's not going to be easy so stop pretending it is and start actually facing the facts that it's going to be a long, hard road head of both of us. I'm scared. Admit you are too and we might actually get somewhere.

    I'm angry that I'm not allowed to be angry or upset or anything less than positive. Whenever I tell him how upset or scared I am that he might slip up, he goes in a mood and demands positivity. Saying that he needs it to be successful. He needs me to support him and be optimistic.

    Are. You. Kidding. Me.

    For the past three years he has dragged me down to a point where I don't even recognise myself and suddenly because he's ready to change, I have to be optimistic with him. Sometimes he's a selfish twat.

    There you go, I'm angry again.
     
  6. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    Oops.

    The anger overspilled, I lost it. I asked him if he used anyone we knew as a p-sub over the course of the relationship. I wanted to find out who, because he still has social media - facebook, instagram and snapchat. If that were the case, he could delete them and save any temptation. When I first ask him, he gets defensive and snappy and says no, of course not.

    So, the defensiveness means he's lying. Again.

    I ask him again - maybe, I don't know, I can't really remember. Do I seriously not deserve the truth? Trying to avoid the question, it's obvious he knows fine well but just doesn't want to admit it. I get the usual, but it's embarrassing. Of course it is, it's also heartbreaking to discover things 5 times and be lied to continuously for years. Man up, seriously.

    He storms off to work in a mood, eventually admitting that yes in the first year but he doesn't think so in the last two. 'Think so'. He also can't remember who. I know fine well he can remember who and has probably been doing it all alone. Then he has the cheek to say he's fed up with all of this.

    He had the opportunity to tell the truth, he's still lying.

    What is the point? How do you know when you can't take anymore. Why after everything when he had the opportunity to tell the truth does he continue to lie to me? What did I ever do to him to deserve this? Do I not deserve to be loved and treated the same way I treat him?
     
  7. Psychology, my insane knowledge of it, is the reason why I stayed with my now husband. I understand addiction from personal experience and a psychological perspective. When everything fails, psychology has never let me down. In fact, teaching my husband psychology helped him in his own recovery. I taught him about the neuroscience of porn addiction, how addiction can be trauma based- which I knew this addiction stemmed from his parents divorce, which it did!, and much more.

    I don't think that is twisted at all. The intense hatred I have for my husbands mother, who let nannies lock him in closets, she would beat him with belts and wooden spoons in her drunken states, all caused him severe issues, trauma, and he used porn to escape the neglect and abuse.

    Sometimes parents can be one of the root causes for why the addiction started. I don't know what you know of his parents or his childhood but that might be something for him to explore in individual therapy.

    You ARE allowed to be angry. Him saying that is just Addict Brain trying to self-preserve. It's a selfishness for sure. The one mistake addicts make when they start recovery is that the focus is still ALL ABOUT THEM. In reality, yes they need to work on themselves, but they NEED to let the SO Express Their Pain.

    He can't just lie/betray/cheat for three years and not hear the pain he caused you. That is complete bullshit. He needs to watch the Help Her Heal Videos by Doug Weiss, ask @TryingHard2Change about it.

    That goes with addiction. My husband still these days has to work on not being selfish. Selfishness is what addiction is about. It's about them, their pain, their stress. Addiction forgets about everyone outside of themselves.

    Yeah.... I'd get rid of that. My husband used Insta for p-subs.... he has no social media, but has his facebook account for appearance reasons and never uses it, and if so, it's in my presence. Honestly, he said his life is much better without social media once he got rid of it. Instead of wasting hours online he was more productive in other areas.
     
  8. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    I'm going to see if he will watch them tonight. If I'm being completely honest, he's being incredibly selfish right now so I don't think he cares much.

    I pointed this out to him and asked him to delete instagram and snapchat. This caused an argument and I was told that I am just power hungry and trying to cut him off from the outside world. He also ignored my requests to not go on to the PC when I wasn't there, claiming that he was updating nofap. Again, I'm just being controlling and I should be thankful that he's letting me monitor everything.

    I don't think he's ready to change what-so-ever because he can't even see this is for him, not for me.
     
  9. That is the addiction talking, just know. But that also means he is getting defensive and angry - for a reason. He doesn't want his porn and subs taken from him. It's truly a childish act.

    You are simply trying to protect yourself from getting hurt and trying to create a safe environment, that is what you tell him.

    Okay, so he broke your boundary, what is his consequence?

    That is him being manipulative and gaslighty, not cool. You are trying to create safety. He is trying to guilt you into letting him keep his addiction. Don't fall for it.
     
    Bubblegum15 likes this.
  10. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    Another day, another argument.

    I read his journal, he offered to let me read it and on reflection I should have said no. I regret this now. When he wrote one of his entries we were arguing and it shows as his attitude toward me varies in that post.

    He mentioned in his post that he was tired of my moaning about things the past few days and if things didn’t improve, he hinted that he would be happy to split. I know this is a mixture of heightened emotions from the arguing (which is taking its toll on both of us) and his selfishness from his addiction but it doesn’t make it any easier. The reason we are arguing is because of the situation he has put us in, but he’s unable to see that. He’s also unable to comprehend that the use of Ever Accountable and the requests not to access his computer on his own or to go on certain social media websites are to aid in his recovery. Yes, I am trying to protect myself but I don’t want to have to. Nobody in a relationship wants to constantly be checking up on their SO, they want to be able to trust them indefinitely. He struggles with that concept, we are trying to work on it.

    I’m trying to ignore it but the comment of splitting as a result of my ‘moaning’ which isn’t moaning but me trying to express my feelings, him becoming defensive because he doesn’t wish to hear it and it turning into an argument is getting to me. Again, the same old emotion of not being good enough has been on my mind constantly today. Am I going to spend the rest of my life like this? Constantly feeling inferior? Or even worse, is he staying with me for the emotional support needed to overcome this addiction and then when he overcomes this will he end it then? We have been close friends for years before we got together so maybe he just needs a friend just now? I shouldn’t be thinking like this but years of being beat down to the point of no confidence will do that to a person. I have opted to stay with him knowing what he has done because I love him and want to see him overcome this, however his veiled threats of walking away are a result of my anger and feelings because of his actions. That is not fair, all things considered. If I can take 3 years of betrayal and lies, you can take me discussing my feelings. If not, something is seriously wrong.

    In other news, I joined a gym. For once, this is something for me. It’s not to try and become like the girls he looks at online. It’s for me, and for that I am happy.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2018
  11. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    290
    418
    63
    This sounds like serious addict-speak to me. He sees you as an obstacle standing between him and his addiction. Therefore, you have become the enemy.

    If (or more likely, WHEN) he relapses, he will probably blame you for putting too much pressure on him, or something ridiculous like that. Please don't believe him. You can't make him get clean, and you also can't make him use again.

    The safeguards are you requesting are completely reasonable to ensure your own emotional safety.

    I wasn't as smart as you are back when I had my first D-Day. I wonder, if I had asked for similar then, would my husband have threatened to leave me? I'm really not sure. I do know for certain that now he really wants to quit, and he hasn't complained AT ALL about giving up social media or using tracking software. I know that doesn't make him relapse-proof, but it gives me some small measure of peace-of-mind.

    I'm sorry that you are going through this.
     
  12. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    Thank you, I’m starting to think that he doesn’t truly want to give up. I believe there is a small part and he keeps saying he does, however going by his actions it is seeming less and less likely. If he wanted to give up why fight with me and become defensive?
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018
  13. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    Here we go, again.

    We had came to a compromise on social media where we opted to only go on social media when he was with me (his suggestion rather then delete it). I agreed, we can give each other a bit of leeway to try and build more of a relationship again.

    This was on Monday. Tuesday he managed. Today, he admitted that he was on to snapchat and instagram. He assured me that he wasn’t on any P which I believe and I am happy he has admitted this. This is the first time he has openly admitted something he has done wrong instead of waiting until I find out. However, he fails to understand what the issue is because ‘it isn’t P.’ How hard is it to understand a boundary is a boundary regardless. His consequence was deleting the apps completely, however again he fails to understand. You are receiving this consequence because you broke a boundary, if you hadn’t done this then there wouldn’t be a consequence. As usual he stormed off in a huff.

    On the other hand when all was said and done, he did listen. Normally when I say how I am feeling he shuts down and becomes defensive. However, this time he actually acknowledged my pain without trying to defend himself. This is progress, long may it continue.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  14. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    Relapse.

    He told me he relapsed today. Well, he didn’t exactly admit he did. More like, we tried to have sex, his PIED kicked in and we couldn’t and he didn’t even have to say anything because I knew.

    Yesterday we went on a date night to try and reconnect. Before we decided to go on the date night we were arguing, mainly because he’d made a cruel joke about his porn usage. For example, I was complaining how slow the internet was, his response? Now you know why I changed from videos to pictures. I was about to walk out and he begged me to stay, to let him be the man that I deserve. I left to get ready, I made a real effort because I wanted things to work. Whilst I was getting ready that’s when he done it. To a girl who he saw on a news website.

    He had the cheek to then appear with flowers. We go out our date night, he doesn’t tell me. He makes promises, I think things are actually improving. The next morning we go to have sex, he can’t. Red flag. I question, he initially denies before coming clean.

    I break down. He goes to work, threatening that he can’t continue on with life. I drop him off because I don’t trust what he’ll do.

    Everything hurts, I’ve got scratch marks up my arms because I’m clawing myself so much just to remind myself that I can feel anything else but that pain.

    I’m hollow, literally can’t stop the tears or the sickness in my stomach. After dropping him at work, I had to pull over and cry in a supermarket parking lot because I couldn’t even see the road I was crying that much.

    When I got home I went into the shower and curled up just so no one could hear me crying, literally giant heaving sobs. I can’t catch my breath at all and I think I’ve almost been sick three times nothing is coming up anyway.

    Why am I not good enough after everything? Why do you not respect me enough? What did I ever do to you apart from being 100% committed to you throughout?

    Why didn’t you tel me before we went out last night? Before I let my guard down and started to believe you? Why did you take away my choices AGAIN?! Why am I not enough?

    We’re talking to his parents tonight. He doesn’t want to, but someone has to know. He has to be accountable to someone else, he doesn’t respect me enough.

    I don’t know how to cope anymore, not just with his PA and betrayal but with my own life.
     
  15. This... I have felt this many times, and sometimes still do... healing comes with time.
    I am so sorry he relapsed and was not honest with you, that is truly the worst pain... we are all here if you need us
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Lobster theory.

    When you hear that you are allergic to lobster, suddenly it's a craving...
    Your locking down the devices so he's going after all the P&M like a rabid allergic maniac....
    Even though he knows it's bad for him....
    And the effects are going to be instantaneous.
    Only...there's no Epi-pen for this addiction.
    He has to reboot.
    He just doesn't want to... (clearly)
    And he doesn't care about his health.. Or yours (mental health is health)
    He's happy killing his dick by eating lobster (doing P&M)
    I'm so sorry
    *Hugs
     
    Bubblegum15 likes this.
  17. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    I get that theory, whenever you give up something you want it more. He doesn’t seem to want to change and I can’t change someone who doesn’t.

    Thank you both for the support and everyone on this forum. I don’t know where I’d be without it.

    I think it’s because he obviously has no intentions. Who goes out to dinner with someone and pretends everything is ok? Who has sex with someone and still pretends it’s ok? I feel violated. Where was my choices in this? He admitted he knew I wouldn’t have consented to any of that if I knew. Where does that leave me?

    Is it wrong to be pissed that he’s even writing a journal in the first place? He omits facts that paint him as wrong because he’s trying to protect himself. Addict behaviour I know. He doesn’t admit that he was asked 4 times before he admitted it, paints it as though he decided to come clean. Doesn’t admit that the joke he made was cruel. Doesn’t admit that we had sex when he knew fine well what my reaction would have been if he told me before hand. Doesn’t admit the only reason he eventually admitted was because his body literally gave him up.

    I’m resisting the urge to post and correct it and call out him painting himself as a saint. Why write journals if you’re not being honest. I will be the bigger person here. It’s just hard right now.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  18. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    290
    418
    63
    Unfortunately, it leaves you in a situation where you know, for certain, that he is not going to look out for your best interests. So, you have to do that for yourself.

    Do you guys live together? Would it be possible for you to spend a few days away from him? It sounds like you need some time to concentrate on determining what you want and need from your relationship.
     
  19. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    22
    32
    13
    Things are strange, I feel as though I've been floating and not actually living. It's a strange existence being the SO of a PA. On the outside everything is fine, everybody thinks that there is nothing wrong and that he is the perfect partner - if only they knew. Comments on how sad and down you look and you pass it off as stress from work. The last few weeks at work before Christmas my work colleagues were asking me constantly if I'm ok - the usual, oh I'm tired, I need this Christmas break. Actually, I had another D-day and my world spiralled again but I can't slip. I'm a high school teacher, these kids need me on my game to get their results for their future. I will not let a PA ruin my pupils future. I'll deal with it later. The mask cracks eventually, usually to the only person that knows - the PA himself - and he can't deal with the fallout, becomes defensive etc. I can't tell anyone, I can't bear the shame. Can you imagine the comments from people who don't understand? Nobody really does until they're put in the situation. I didn't fully understand how damaging it was until I was the one struggling to catch my breath because I was crying so much.

    D-day number who knows how many. I thought we were improving, he was white knuckling it of course and eventually admitted he was using me as a P-sub. Cue crying, spiralling down that deep depressing rabbit hole of wondering why I am not physically good enough. Why do you have to fantasise and M rather than me? Of course addict brain. I know others who would jump at the chance to have someone care for them and want them so badly. I know he hasn't watched P, he has ever accountable which proves this but this new revelation doesn't make things any easier. He's now over 30 days clear from PMO, but is now annoyed that I can't trust him and accuse him when I become unsure. Funny that, eh? They never care when they're hurting you but the slightest bit of hurt you cause them they go down and complain like they've been shot.

    I need him to care about my recovery. I need him to understand that just because you say that you're doing well doesn't mean I will believe you because God knows that you've lied more times than I can count, and as a PA he's pretty good at it. I need him to understand my trauma and help my recover, I help him - why can he not help me? Don't get angry when I accuse, rather get to the bottom why am I triggered? What can you do about it? How can you reassure me? How can you stop it in the future? You have brought this on yourself so suck it up or politely F*** off and I'll find someone else who will care about me enough to do this and aid in my recovery.

    But then there is the opposite. He is never short on intimacy and struggles when I shut him out. At times I forget what has happened when I focus on the here and now - dates, dinners, thoughtful stupid gifts that make me smile, doing things because he knows I love it. Taking out the PMO we don't have major issues but whenever this issue arises he changes into someone I don't know.

    I need him to understand that honesty is non-negotiable and every single lie he tells me adds to the baggage and it gets heavier each time until eventually I wont be able to carry it.

    He's the reason we are in this, but rather than man up and accept it he's still trying to protect himself by becoming defensive and not actually acknowledging the damage caused.

    I can't live like this - I don't even know how to feel anymore.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2019
    hope4healing and Trappist like this.
  20. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    363
    593
    93
    Yes. Could not have said it better.
     

Share This Page