Trans and Sissy porn has hijacked my life, is it too late to return?

You're correct, you do not know me, and the "glimpse and limited view" of me that you HAVE judged is based upon my naive open-musings (sloppy at times) and responses to others (shallow at times) as I explored this forum and its occupants in the first few days. My eyes are now wide-open. Thank you.
To be clear, because it seems to not have made your judgmental scrutiny to validate my presence as acceptable, and to not waste your time further, I came here to NoFap 7 days ago because I felt that my early porn exposure, and my immediate obsessive reaction to it, displaced the opportunity for me to have a well-guided coached and therapeutic path with professional gender counseling in order to choosing possible m2f transition. That "obsessive reaction" in my younger years also caused me to live, at quite a young and vulnerable age, to then act-out the life I watched on porn sites. I strongly feel as if the nature of that path was an addiction that I am only starting to suspect, but moreso as I think and investigate it.

I came here to NoFap try to uncover some collected wisdom from some with similar challenges (which has happened) and maybe have the chance to reflect, learn, and grow in a SAFE place (that has definitely NOT happened).

Apologies to you and others if (1) I am apparently wasting your time as I ramble thru life-experiences and comparisons, either in initial postings or responses to others specific questions, and that I (2) manifest what is truly my current nature and it is not as efficient or gender-acceptable to what makes you and others comfortable. I am new to this site ---- and I am seeing quite clearly the rules of the road.

SO, beyond the instructive missives to your specific points your are making to me: I agree, sex-reassignment-surgery "isn't a game" --- yes, of course --- this I know, deeply, profoundly. It is EXACTLY THAT, along w other challenges, that has brought me to this site as my current boyfriend is pressuring me to get SRS done now. If I do so, I need to do it for me, and no one else, and when i know it is right for me. I do not have that sorted out.

The next suggestion you make, that I "make the decision after (I) unhook from my (arousal) addiction" is the OTHER REASON I am here on NoFap --- to deconvolve the complex layer of adolescent decisions and obsessions, subsequently overlain with successive years of increased OCD-like behavior and activity in a very heady and narcissistic (yes, I said it again ---- take the shot) scene and subculture that fed and reinforced the very person I am today. I now sit at age 22 knowing I got here in very "poor style" --- by porn-fed impulse rather than therapy-guided wisdom. I truly need to understand if (1) where I am and (2) who I chose to be is real, the preferred path, and the right choice. I need to know this now at this time in my life, because I never paused to reflect and answer this till now.

I hope THAT is acceptable enough in your and others judgment to allow me to (1) stay as a valid member here, and (2) partake of what collective experience and wisdom might be gained, in order for me to (3) learn, grow, and decide my own fate.

If you care to interact, do know that there is a much deeper person here with serious capacity for introspection than the "glimpse" you have judged. For my part, I will not allow the more open-musing ramblings of my own life-experiences to emerge in the open forum here ---- I ill do it in one-on-one correspondence, I have drawn enough ire from those that my responses make uncomfortable ---- my collective insights of my own journey are apparently not worthy to share in the way in which I have done so, to date.

again, thank you for your response. every interaction is an opportunity to learn --- be it from positive or negative intentions.

JAMES

 

I think you're desire to be a man comes from fantasy and you're insecurity about being a small girl. You're probably not trans, but you're insecure about being small. Judging from your description you seem like a pretty attractive girl and getting guys attention probably comes easy for you and so you seek more of a challenge. I think you should stay feminine, but still have dominant side that's alpha. I'm sure you already do that and I bet your a total freak in bed lol!

 

Hi Lazarus ---- I only joined 12 days ago. I went 7 then blew it in a night of frustration (last Friday-Sat). Restarted again. I will persevere till I get it right

 

OMG this is such a powerful, straightforward and honest note ---- THANK YOU!!! You actually took the time to read to the depths of my commentary and not just focus on the superficial or frilly stuff _--- for that I am truly grateful. And, to top it off, you redirect the observations you made into CONSTRUCTIVE insight and feedback --- hurrah!---that is why I am here and what I need.

You are right----i do not (yet) know how to be a man---I have had zero practice in my life. Your advice I will take to heart----I can take criticism (yes. try being trans in HS----the comments are awful. It takes balls to become a girl, and it will take balls for me to get back to manhood if that is the direction I take. I have had tons of nasty commentary thru my life. No being a victim here, just telling you I can take it, I think. I will do better.)

I never thought about WHY I transitioned until a few months ago, and it is my firm belief that some part of me was abruptly rewired (or possibly the existing wiring came alive?) thru a large dose of porn, and THAT redirection meant acting-out a pretty crazy lifestyle.

Nonetheless here I am now, asking myself the hard sets of scary-ass questions ---- now. So, thank you for positivity, and the vision you created in your closing portion of your note ---- it is powerful----seeing me overcoming and achieving the tortuous path ahead but succeeding. THAT is a gift. Thank you.
J

 

So you all agree that Jamie not only has a chance of becoming a straight man but that porn seemed to have turned James into Jamie?. Take away all the influence porn has had on James' brain, personality and behavior and he'd still be a little effeminate girly boy with a small wiener. That's pretty much how Jamie described herself. Now, let's say there is nothing wrong with that physically, but one thing is for sure; James had gender dysphoria before "he" was exposed to porn and gender dysphoria is not something that is caused by porn. It's something you're born with and recognized as a disorder by psychiatrists, meaning it's real, no matter what you want to believe or what your religion indoctrinates you. Treatment for this condition is aimed at alleviating dysphoria, which remains as the main cause of complications resulting from this disorder. These can be very severe and range from social isolation to suicide and attempted-suicide i.e, it's not a joke. I have to emphasize that treatment is aimed at the factors that cause the most concern/anxiety/discomfort for the patient and that ranges from psychological counseling to laser hair removal, breast implants and sex reassignment.

Although I do not believe that doctors should serve as educators, I will say this, because some of you fine gentlemen don't seem to know the distinction. The sex of an individual can not be changed, it is determined biologically by your genes (you're either an XY male or an XX female). Gender is what you choose to identify yourself with and adopt the role of in society (Man vs Woman). Individuals who have a mismatch between their biological sex and what their identity as a psychosocial individual are termed transgender. It is my professional opinion that insisting that JAMIE should abandon all association with her feminine feelings and become the man you and the rest of your enclosed society want her to be is not only childish but arrogant and quite dangerous for reasons I outlined above.

I absolutely agree with one of the posts which said that Jamie is trying to get the attention of men and is being shallow mentioning her hair, make up and shoes etc. But then again, Jamie is a girl, a woman. Women love to get the attention of men, not all men, but they seek the attention of those men who do not put them down and try to mould them into their ideal woman, but rather embrace their beauty and accept their flaws, respect their views and see them for the human individual they are and not only give them all the attention they seek, they leave them yearning for more.

Jamie wants to discover herself without the influence of porn so she seeks refuge in this forum so as to obtain strength and guidance for abstaining from porn so she can assure herself that whatever she feels and identifies with is real and was not influenced by porn. I understand that not all men are equal and the majority are followers who tremble with fear if they're merely accused of nonconformity but critisizing Jamie for being who she wants to be and seeking what she deems vital to her happiness makes you the sissy, not her.

 

ACT 5, SCENE 2: the NoFap "Introduction" Forum, Day 14 or something like that...

SETTING: Frustrated and confused, Jamie was at a loss of what to do next. She had been befriended, unfriended, understood, misunderstood, ridiculed, abused and told to leave because she did not fit in. A lifetime of challenging social norms and prejudice, she was not prepared to deal with the barrage of feedback. She was at the end of her rope. She had even deleted her account twice, but returned in hopes that someone, anyone, might hear her.​

JAMIE
> "Is there a Doctor in the house? I need help!" she screamed.

SUPERDOC
>"Hell yes, I am a Doctor", he said.

Looking in the direction of his voice, she laid eyes upon the man that would rescue her from this situation. He was indeed a wise and insightful man, and her heart melted as he spoke the words he had telepathically (and also posted in the NoFap Forum) sent to her mind (also, see his note, above, if you're not miraculously telepathic like he and Jamie). He swaggers to stand directly by her. She notices he is tall, and handsome, and, on top of the fact he was a doctor with a great smile ....she takes note...he is not wearing a wedding ring on his large, masculine hands. He speaks...

SUPERDOC
>"What can I help you with, little lady?" he says with a calm yet firm demeanor.

JAMIE
>"Um, uh, well...." she is flummoxed.
She blushes, but regains her composure with a deep cleansing breath...
>"Could you help explain to all these people what is going through my head, and also, if you would, could you help me understand me a little bit too?"
-----------------------------------------------------

Wow. Your note feels very much like it looked into my eyes, into my heart, and into my soul.
You address a few very important things for me in your all-encompassing note:

First, I think you have read quite accurately into my own levels of self-doubt and confusion between my birth-sex and identified-gender --- validating that, while born male, my strong (sole and only and lifelong) identification as feminine and female gender is more than ok --- it is very real, and it DEFINITELY pre-dates ANY porn exposure by many years. THAT is a huge realization to me, as I reflect on the comment you made --- because it definitely DOES predate any porn usage or influence.

I never identified as male as a young child, or even as an adolescent --- I just 'was" in existence without a strong identifier by gender. In fact, thinking upon it, I think the ONLY time I reflected on gender issues was when I thought to myself "I am not a real boy, and I do not want to be a man." i never really knew I had a choice to be something else (trans or feminine) but I definitely "self-unidentified" as a man (not as a male, I knew I had a boy part down there, but I never identified as a boy/man. Is that confusing? Sorry).

Secondly, that this overwhelming preponderance of feedback that I "man-up" and think "man-thoughts" and such, while well meaning, may actually be non-absorbable (geez, is that even a word, lol?) by me; something that I may not be able to pick up or get simply because it is unattainable on the inside. In other words, its a bit like lamb that is told --- if it thinks aggresively, learns how to roar, and grows its fluffy neck fur and trims itself just right, it too can be a lion. Maybe. But it will never be a lion. But maybe I am just a lamb. (I was going to use a kitty-cat analogy at first, but the name-calling opportunities to use the P-word would have been too tempting! LOL).

However, the MOST POWERFUL commentary you made, is better than my own explanation of my need to be here:

"Jamie wants to discover herself without the influence of porn so she seeks refuge in this forum so as to obtain strength and guidance for abstaining from porn so she can assure herself that whatever she feels and identifies with is real and was not influenced by porn."​

YES!!! Thank you!!!....and thank you for validating and explaining my desires to seek some learned collective wisdom and guidance within this group from those capable of providing it.

I think I have been extremely down about my recurring PMO usage as of late --- THAT is what has me EXTREMELY unhappy in my life. While I have a full and seemingly happy real-sex-life with my boyfriend, I have been increasingly drawn back to heavy porn usage of late, and that is triggering heavy fantasy and daydreaming --- and I almost have always tried to live-out this fantasies in real life ----i want to break that now. I am here to (1) detach from the current PMO and potential acting-out fantasies and planning and (2) understand it's influence on me in my formative years as well...but I am increasingly gaining comfort that I am in the correct spot and correct gender. This forum has actually helped me realize that.
But I need help with my PMO/Act-out addictions.

And that you for actually taking the time to "see me."
I see you, too. I appreciate you so very, very much.
Jamie
XOXO

 

Thank you. The past number of days here are reinforcing your main point: femininity is my natural state, and being a woman is where I believe I belong. I am wholly unable to be dominant though --- in or out of bed.
But I am very much a freak anyway!!! i love the sport of it all

 

I keep re-reading this post. THANK YOU for seeing me in this way -- i feel you have held up a mirror for me <3

 

Wow, what a crazy story! You sure are going through some crazy motions right now. I think a therapists opinion and counsel would be much better than mine, but my thoughts are, bottom line, that you can be whoever you want to be, as long as youre sure that its you whos making those decisions, and youre happy about it.

Im not a super masculine guy myself, mind you. Theres no denying that I am indeed a guy, but when I first arrived at Jr High school, none of the guys wanted to talk to me. I was the weird kid, with abnormally long hair for a dude that was always dyed funny colours. I was a bit skinny and not great at alot of sports, so I spent my school years hanging out with the girls insteads of the boys. They never cared what I dressed like or talked about, so I ended up listening to them talk about clothes, makeup, chickflicks, and boys all the time.

I never thought I was interested in men, but I went to alot of girls birthday parties and was the inly boy there, so I ended up trying on girls clothing sometimes, and it was exciting! I always appreciated girls clothing more than boys clothing, it just always felt more expressive.

Fast forward a few years, and now im in highschool. I discover that weed is great for suppressing feelings, and so I use it often in order to make friends, fit in and mask my enjoyment of feminine clothing. This later turns into alcohol when I turn 18, and as time goes on, I just bury the feelings deeper and deeper...until I find sissy hypno vids, where, they too connect with me in a strange way, almost like I really am a sissy because I love girls clothing. Soon im watching it multiple times a week because I feel like the videos are showing me to myself, and nothing is more wrong. And now Im here, trying to erase whats been burned into my head.

Im getting carried away, but I dont think its what you wear or look like that defines you. I wear dresses around sometimes, my girlfriend knows and has no problem with it. Shes into cosmetology, so sometimes ill do makeup with her for laughs, and every few months she will straighten my hair just to see how long it is. So what youre a feminine dude? If you think that Jamie is a lie and that youre really James, then youre James. Worry about the inside, not the outside.

In all seriousness though, I really do think you should talk to a professional. Hypnosis digs really deep and itll definately be a struggle to find yourself after living a life based around its subliminal messaging.

All the more power to you James. Thanks for sharing.

 

Hi Beatmasta! ThanQ for sharing in such a thoughtful note, i appreciate you. You are so right, and as it turns out, I began to see a therapist-- a very specific gender therapy expert here in Houston--about my issues and concerns only last week. i had been so scared to go to one over the years, because i really didn't want to know myself deeply, rather i wanted to feel my impulse-driven life daily and not reflect upon it. This NoFap experience, coupled with my new therapist, is giving me comfort that quite possibly i am where i belong---as Jamie. But we both committed to deeply exploring this for a while, and so I remain to learn and understood as much as I can.
Wishing you the best with your struggles w sissy-hypno pornography. For those susceptible enough (low self esteem, unmanly self-image, no role models, OCD behaviors) it can drive one from daily multiple M to living out the fantasy for real----which is what happened to me. My life became a porno movie for real because of my need to fulfill what sissy hypno preaches. It is a dangerous path for the weak and uncertain. For me tho, it may turn out to have been an odd way to get to the right spot. We will see

 

ThanQ D.J.

 

Hi Jamie,
I just decided to create an account here after going through your posts.
I am not sure what to say..but this youtuber 'Elliot Hulse'.. try watching his videos.. maybe you would find that courage you are looking for.

I watch his videos whenever I need to change my pattern of thoughts and redirect my life.

Take care. and Thank you for helping me realize where that journey leads (or transgendered person porn and eventual changing gender) - in confusion. I am just in the midst of that same storm. (Lots of transgendered person porn and crossdressing).

 

HI max.sa,
I am happy too hear that my experiences, and sharing them, may have assisted or provided you a few guideposts along the way. If you are indeed "in the midst of the same storm" then please reach out if i can be a shoulder to lean on, or someone to listen.
I will look up the youtuber you suggest --- thanQ
Jamie

 

OMG thanQ for such a well-crafted and articulate note, clearly well-thought out and insightful.

To answer the first part, I think "yes", it is definitely an advantage to stay with ones original gender IF that is possible. Emphasis on IF it is POSSIBLE.
Why?
At an age when most people are sorting out the normal "big questions" in life --- what do I want to be?, where should I go to school?, should I retake the ACT or SAT to up my exam scores? what kind of person do I want to be with forever? --- a person who MUST transition for life-reasons (there are many) is focused on just that: transitioning. Not school. Not career. Not sports or hobbies.
All the other people are NOT obsessed with this issue --- that vast VAST majority are just trying to work out their identity as a boy grow to a man, or a girl grows to a woman. Not us. We are just trying to figure out HOW to get to the starting point --- getting our outer look and body identity to match what is in our heads.

Prior to the realization that one is TG, there is all the loss and confusion and guilt associated with oneself and ones family and friends --- first, understanding your own motives (a huge issue), and then, trying to convey that to those that matter in your life.

So --- yes, by all means, staying as your birth gender, if possible, is best. For some though the choice is (1) change my gender to be happy or (2) no other possibility -- which can be drastic (see chart). You may or may not know this BUT transgendered suicide rates are over 40% of the that population that ID as TG.



It is sobering, huh? THAT is DEFINITELY NOT A SOLUTION to anything --- there are SO MANY resources out there NOWADAYS for TG support. But it does point out the abyss which many feel they are dropping into...the only way thru it is love and support and having the courage to pursue what one must to become the person you were destined to be.

Next question: I enjoy being desirable, it is a benefit BUT it is not what drives me to being a woman --- a few have asked me this so my answer is: I would be happy (and am happy) as a regular girl doing normal things in life. Cooking, going to classes (I am restarting college again), walking my dog, and hanging with friends. It is true that when I go out w friends to a club or on a date, I go crazy trying to be the "Asian Rhianna" all glammed and blinged and in sensual clothing and awesomely pretty and uncomfortable heels --- yes, But that is what is the fun part of "being a girl" --- the styles and fashions and makeup and hair --- boys don't get to play with such fun stuff. So yeah, I would and I am happy just being regular old me.

The other questions, in no particular response-order:
No, it is really not worth me getting SRS for someone else (my ex was pressuring me mightily to get this done ASAP so we could marry --- ugh.) Yes, I enjoy life just as normal life --- like anyone --- i get freaked out at the news each night, i twitter and snapchat too much, I wonder about what is really in my Starbucks Frapaccino, ---- and, FINALLY, I am at that starting point of "who do I want to be, what do I want to become, what kind of guy will I marry, do I know him yet? --- all that stuff.

You advice is remarkably sage advice --- your insights are spectacular as revealed thru your questions ---- you're awesome.

I am doing as you suggest --- and it came about with greater force as a result of sharing in my two somewhat cathartic forums I have posted --- that the BEST thing I can do is just live my life with gusto. I am (1) into the 4th week of being w a therapist as well as (2) breaking up with the jerk of a BF that wanted me to get my thingie snipped (and yes, I enjoy my equipment just the way it is for now, and if I get SRS it will be when I want it and not to please a guy); I am (3) happy with work and (4) returning to college this summer semester (almost done w sophomore year at Rice U) after a 1 year break.

So life is to be lived, and I got to where I need to be --- at age 22. Between ages 13-21 I was caught up in this challenge and task to get to being me --- so it is time to do something very constructive with me.

Thank you so much ---- your genuine questions were uplifting to answer and you were totally non-judgemental. For that, I thank you sincerely.

You are going to make some woman AMAZINGLY happy and she will be UNBELIEVABLY lucky to have such a wonderful man as you. Your self-awareness is touching, remarkable, and really attractive. WOW. Just keep doing you ---- some girl is going to fall head over heels for you, your mind, your heart, and your body. So, yeah, keep doing you, really.

jamie