Trans and Sissy porn has hijacked my life, is it too late to return?

Deleted Account · May 10, 2018

This topic should be deleted. Triggers ans triggers eveywhere.

333 · May 10, 2018

Jamie_K said: ↑

My name is James, but I have gone by the effeminate form "Jamie" for the past 5+ years. I discovered porn in junior high school, and almost immediately was drawn to transgendered person porn --- I saw it and I was hooked --- totally, fully, and undeniably hooked. I was hooked for two very obvious reasons: that the "girls" were tiny pretty femme boys like me and, also, that real hunky virile men really got into making love to them. Finally, a place for a small, very tiny and petite, brown-skinned and smooth Asian femme-boy like me.

As a boy growing up I was always the smallest, the frailest, and the most timid. Girls didn't find me attractive, but I was so very drawn to them, I found them VERY alluring --- yet I think I found their clothes and hair and styles and flirting-skills to be what I focused on in adolescence.

I was just starting to get interested in girls and sex and all those adolescent questions we have in general when I suddenly found that stunningly captivating transgendered person porn. From the start, I watched it for 8 to 12 hours a day, and it had a massive impact on my grades (lower), homework (rarely done), friendships (alienated), and overall social activity. I stopped growing in my 2nd yr in High School, never taller than 5'0" and never heavier than 108lbs. I never was picked for any sports in gym class. I was alone and alienated.

So there I was: tiny, lightweight, very skinny, lightly brown-skinned, and very effeminate, and I just discovered Trans porn and especially the subset called "ladyboys". I could see I was as pretty and as soft and as smooth as any of the ladyboys online. And there were so MANY of them! It seemed to me that the very natural choice for someone like me --- both my ethnicity and stature --- was to make the obvious choice of being a pretty "lady boy".

All the guys I grew up with actually grew up --- they were tall, they developed muscles and facial hair and deep voices. They were huge --- everyone was bigger than me. The girls were the same, they grew taller than me and larger. There was only one other person --- another Asian girl --- in my entire high school of 4,000 students that was tinier than me. It was awful. I was so alone.

So, here I was in high school, right at the very time I was deciding to go "compete" with way-more masculine guys in the pursuit of girls, I realized with "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn that I could actually compete more successfully --- way way more successfully--- with many of the girls in my High School --- I knew I could. I was quite able as I was tinier, cuter, and I knew I could dress way sexier. All those girls were almost ALL bigger and heavier and I knew I could be a prettier girl --- zero doubts.

So, quietly at home, I shaved every last part of my body and, over time, I grew my hair to about shoulder length --- and I went to school wearing my normally androgynous but now ever-increasingly feminine styles. I started wearing a tiny bit of makeup, and plucked my eyebrows and, after a few months, had both ears and my tongue and naval pierced. One weekend I wore a dress and heels to a club, added a bit of makeup, and BANG --- my love life changed. I had 6 guys hit on me in one night. I was popular for the first time ever. That night I was finally romantically kissed ---- for the first time ever --- by a really hot stud college guy from Rice University. I fell in love.

Back in high school we could opt out of gym class if we did other activities --- so, naturally, i joined the cheerleading squad --- it accepted boys. I also played flute in the band but I went full-time on cheerleading after freshman year.

Then, only months later from my initial discovery of "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn, as I was developing my feminine persona, the next huge shift occurred: As I was relishing and prideful in my tiny-ness, and now discovering my girly-ness, and wondering where it was all going, one night at home alone in my room, I found sissy-hypno --- or maybe sissy-hypno devoured me, I am not sure. But the word SISSY just grabbed me. Was that it? Was I a sissy? It was like crack on my brain. I hadn't yet been with a guy OR a girl intimately yet, and I was still, like so many high school students, questioning my sexuality. Sissy-hypno hit my brain like a nuclear explosion ---- in one night of devouring everything I could find on SISSIFICATION and being a SISSY, it mushroomed and blew away EVERY thought in my head --- from that moment on I could think of NOTHING else other than what sissy-porn preaches, that (1) that I was indeed a feminine, useless as a male, weak, and brainless SISSY, (2) that my DESTINY was to serve a masculine ALPHA MALE, that (3) I was to wear the sexiest clothes and heels and (4) become the prettiest feminine sissy I could be.

Period. That was it. I never looked back. Not once. And, I did all of THAT --- I overachieved massively. While I never got into the forced humiliation portion of the genre, I definitely got into being wth a stronger, more masculine "alpha-male" muscular hunky type of man. I felt so protected in their arms.

I was the cutest sexiest hottest GIRL out there. Life was wonderful. I had more attention from people (virile older hunky MEN, and jealous girls) than I EVER had in my entire life. Being a GIRL was life-changing. I went from unknown to, in certain circles, being THE person to know and flirt with and win over.

I started hormone replacement therapy almost immediately, while still in Sophmore year (illegally, at first, of course), and have not stopped. I now a very curvy (34D-22-34) feminine shape, and I have very feminine attributes and mannerisms.

So here I am over four years later. I have not worn guy clothes in 4+ years (but once). My closet has nothing but feminine clothing and shoes. It has been that way forever now. I rise each day, do hair and makeup and get pretty. I alway wear heels and mini-dresses, as I have always felt that being a sexy and alluring girl is the funnest part of being a girl. I am obsessed with very expensive sexy designer shoes (Louboutin, Zanotti, Casadei, McQueen, DSquared2, etc) and similarly with bags (LV, Gucci, YSL).

I am a total fashion whore. My hair is long and pretty and I wear makeup every day -- the fact is, I slay. I slay the look every day. I am probably prettier and sexier and more stylish than almost every girl any one of you have seen in a month. I work at a MAC Cosmetics store as a full-time make-up artist. I have an older (30 yo) boyfriend that I live with in a very sensual and sexually driven relationship. Since high school I have dated and had sexual relations with men -- only men -- and at that, many dozens of men.

So, as i think about maybe reversing back to a male life, I look in the mirror and I see a very pretty Asian woman. I am hot. To other men, I am extremely attractive and alluring. I cause them to stumble and turn and lust, and I like(d) that.

To me? I am finished with being me --- with me being "Jamie".

OK, I guess THAT is enough background. Without going in the details of WHY, I must say this: I am unhappy as hell. I want to reverse my decisions and be what I was born to be --- a guy. A man. Or at least understand IF I CAN BE a man, or if it is too late for me.

But I do not even KNOW how to BE A MAN. My formative years were hijacked by porn so thoroughly that I have no idea how to get back to start.

I have tried reprogramming. I recently tried buying and wearing boy-clothes (for the first time in years) and then passing as a guy --- sounds odd, huh? Even when I dressed as a guy, trying to act like a guy, people called me "Ma'am" and "girl" and such.

My movements, mannerisms, voice inflections and patterns are all very feminine --- they betray my "act" as a guy.

I have tried to find my way back. I stare at other girls and then my eyes go to their guys and I think about what they'd be like to kiss --- the guy, not the girl. I have tried to watch normal STR8 porn to try to get attracted to real women and their bodies and parts, but all I see are the guys and their hot bodies and big thingies ---- and I get turned on by all that. Not the women. The men.

Maybe I really am trans? Or gay? I know it must seem that way but I feel like I am now so curious about what it is like to be a real man. I do not really know ---- but what I KNOW is that I NEVER HAD A CHANCE to see if I was really a guy --- what is it like to be a MAN? ---- I do not know, as my brain was hijacked into deep, submissive, girly femininity in early adolescence.

My QUESTION: Has anyone else dealt with this, such a deep immersion to this for so long? Has anyone ever returned from this? I will be happy to take anyone's advice.
Click to expand...

Hey! I just read through your whole post. And the one thing I took away from it is that you really went all out in your transition. I won't pretend to have a deeper knowledge than I do (I'm a stagehand, not a doctor) But the one thing I can tell you for SURE is that if you want to go back, you'll need to do something to counteract all the hormones you've taken over the years.

Stopping the estrogen, and beginning testosterone replacement therapy (under the supervision of a urologist and HRT) doctor would be essential. As to the question of WHETHER or not you should do it... I'd say, absolutely yes! If it doesn't work out, there's nothing stopping you from going back. But if it does work out, you may open up a whole new world of happiness and fulfillment.

One final piece of advice I'd like to offer is this... the absolute brainwashing you subjected yourself to through "sissy hypno" has got to be dealt with as well. That is absolutely NOT a healthy, wholesome, or life-affirming genre to subject yourself to. Whether you start down the road to reclaiming your manhood, or stay where you are, I really urge you to cut that shit out of your life. And don't fall for the trap of "anti-sissy hypno." It's just more trash embedded into a terrible, pornographic value system!

Good luck! I hope you find yourself, and find happiness!

Foxhole · May 14, 2018

SoloMan said: ↑

This topic should be deleted. Triggers ans triggers eveywhere.
Click to expand...

Come on. Don't be a baby. Here is a guy who needs our help.

Deleted Account · Aug 14, 2018

For anyone stumbling upon my old journal here, I thought you might want to link to my new one, here:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...g-sugar-daddies-for-expensive-fashion.177939/

So many good things have happened since these old journals.

beyondlife · Feb 28, 2024

Hey, is Jamie_K still here?

jessica1994 · Feb 29, 2024

Hey Jamie,

As I was reading your story, I couldn't help but get in your corner.

I may not have had the same issues due to the fact I was always pretty manly in stature, however I still understand that feeling of loneliness and it sucks. I can see how someone can get caught up in one life style where you feel you're the center of the world & not want to return to being lonely. I used to be addicted to watching porn on sex việt, and that's not good.

Normally I would never approve of such a lifestyle (not saying my approval means anything) but actually reading your back story. I think you should definitely try to figure out 100% what's best for you, whether it's being Jamie or James.

Best of luck to you!! Keep on keeping on!

pete379 · Feb 29, 2024

Jamie_K said: ↑

I never met a woman that preferred that choice. My girlfriends and I are all attracted to masculine guys, the beefier and taller the better
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You have an inside knowledge here that most guys never will. I am a smallish man that likes women, and have struggled my whole life because of my size and masculinity. (I would never be able to pass as a woman btw).
You are a few years younger than my youngest of 3 kids.
I think there is no way you are going to really be attracted to women, and no way they are going to be attracted to you. (you know this)
I do think you can have a good life being a gay man, it has never been easier to do this, and I know it has its challenges. I say this as a pretty conservative guy, that some accuse of being closeted. Your chances of being happy as a hetero man are slim to none Im afraid. You dont have to be a woman, just be a very gay man

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Trans and Sissy porn has hijacked my life, is it too late to return?

Is there a chance for my return to being a str8 guy?

yes, James can return

no, Jamie, it is too late

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