They literally just never stop lying

I did too. His dopamine system has been consumed. It alters his behaviour massively. Remember it's not him doing the lying. It's the monster in his brain. Try to disconnect from blame.

 

Maybe you could allow him to clarify if you catch him lying. Just say "there's no shame here but are you sure what you said is true?" You need to unwind his behaviour for him. He's incapable. If you know it's a lie, allow him to correct, then correct him politely. But really try and say "I don't blame you here I know you are struggling etc." If you shame him for lying, you are feeding more lies and feeding shame which feeds porn use. It's hard because I know you hate him for it, my ex did me. But on the other side of the fence it is shame that feeds both behaviours. Hope you understand. Not defending him, or me. Just offering otherwise hindsight.

 

And you have hit the nail on the head. Porn addicts are not normal humans. Sex addiction is the epitome of insanity. It drove me to insanity. 95% of what came out of my mouth was untrue. We are not compulsive liars by choice, it's a horrible defect of addiction. He can change, if he wants to.

 

You have to ask whether the human you knew is worth the battle. Once he breaks the habit of lying he will get so much release and catharsis from admitting stuff he's lied about. Even more so if there is someone supportive to not judge him eternally, and understand. You have to ask yourself it you want to be that person, you would have a powerful relationship for it. Obviously he needs to want to change first.

 

So what brings you to this forum? If you want to leave a porn addict?

 

That's not an arsey question, either. Genuine curiosity.

 

And this is a lie. That you're going to come out of this relationship filled with betrayal trauma unscathed and unaffected. It's affected you more than you realize. Do you have a plan for healing of the trauma that you've experienced?

 

Even without this addiction, liars are disgusting and need to be fully called out with no mercy.

 

What did he lie about?

 

This is how betrayal trauma affects the spouse. It causes her to be critical, merciless, unforgiving.

I'll bet before D-Day, you were much more compassionate and empathetic towards others. That's what betrayal trauma does. It changes you; turns you into a different person that you often don't like.

The addict is out of control. It's like he's in a diseased state. And he's trapped. Without some outside help, his chances of breaking free are minimal. But the spouse is also in a diseased state. Many mistakenly believe that they'll just get better over time. Or they think that if the husband recovers, everything will be okay. Or if they leave the husband, it will fix them. Many believe that they don't even need fixing. They don't see the problem within themselves and how the addiction has actually affected them.

So unfortunately, these spouses continue to obsess, worry, get furious, become unforgiving, critical, bitter. Meanwhile, others don't want to be around them as their bitterness turns to misery, and the misery turns to suffering and hopelessness.

Spouses will need outside help too. As an addict, I needed to seek, and seek, and seek, and seek for years until I found answers and the keys to uncover the lies and the traps that kept me in bondage. Spouses will need to do the same.

So my question to you is

What kind of outside help are you getting and is it sufficient enough to offer answers for your own healing?

 

Seems like kind of a weird lie but also not really divorce material. Presumably there's more context to it?

 

Since you are up front about how you feel, it’s admirable that you have the decency to leave the relationship instead of insisting on keeping it together while never intending to improve it. Far worse to keep someone around just to torture them emotionally.

 

I disagree with the assumption that being an addict implies being a liar. When I was in recovery I started dating my partner and never lied to her, even when I relapsed. But it would be unfair to omit this:

PMO to her is no big deal, so we never established that dynamic of prohibitions and promises that, in my opinion, all it does is reinforce the addiction: When something is forbidden, it makes it seem enormously more exciting than it actually is.
I think that's one of the pitfalls of addiction. Remember (this goes for addicts) when you first started watching porn at a young age, that thrilling "wow, I totally shouldn't be doing this! If mom and dad found out...". I think later on, every time we start watching porn again a little bit of that vibe persists. And being in a couple that dynamic is completely revitalized changing the role of our parents to that of our partner.

If we strip porn of everything that doesn't really belong to it and we use to embellish it involuntarily, we will realize that it's nothing more than a sad, boring and inherently lacking activity.

@CrushedandLeaving, that wasn't to make you feel bad about your decision, which I understand. If he lied about other things...and even if he didn't, you have the right to establish on what basis you want to start a relationship, of course.