Tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Objectification. One of the reasons I am quitting the P. Even though I consider myself intelligent and a lover of women, I was guilty of objectifying every woman I saw--and even my own wife to an extent. So glad I've stopped. Had almost forgotten how beautiful a woman's smile can be.

I hope he starts to notice too when he gets rid of the P.

 

It is very possible, but he was never diagnosed with anything. I think he really needs to be evaluated and treated by some professional, because it is painful to watch how he shrivels, when faced with any emotions whatsoever. I even threatened him (way before his PA came out) to break off our relationship, if he doesn't step up to the plate emotionally. Nothing has changed for the positive There's just even more sadness, self-loathing, depression, self-hate, etc. He often asks me to tell him what I want, and I do tell him exactly what it is, but he can't force himself to deliver. For the past year or so, I have told him numerous times that: a date would be nice, a little weekend getaway would be nice, a spa treatment for me would be nice, a compliment would be nice, some real foreplay would be nice, etc. etc. Once he lit a candle in the bedroom before sex - that's it!

 

I totally understand this. I'm seriously worn out always having to say what I want. You know sometimes it's great to get what you ask for and other times...
Well with a partner it feels like FORCED COOPERATION.....like mine has and will forget/not care about birthdays or holidays. He was a gift giver but that was largely tied into his shopping addiction to amazon and or sex addiction (look I got you 12 pairs of whore drawers don't you love me more now??!! Literally if my gifts didnt revolve around trying to slut me up or horses it was nothing) He doesn't get or doesn't want to get that it sucks bad to have to ask to have someone show they value you. I'm not saying he doesn't do a lot of nice things, but it's generic things he'd do for anyone. I really don't know any more it's just fucking weird and frustrating to have to give directives....in my mind when someone motivates you from within to do things , that's what's real and not contrived.

 

I have even said "You remember what my language of love is? Yeah, words of appreciation..." His reply: "Yeah... I suck at it big time." But no follow up... ever!

 

Yes compliments are nice and I think regardless of what your LL are..I think everyone appreciates compliments.

My hubs used to be good at that too. Now I feel like I have to prompt him or like he's doing it out of necessity instead being genuine. I know that seems like a no win situation but that's what us SO question in our heads now. How genuine he is or something he says is.

@anewhope I think writing her a letter would be amazing!

 

clearly I don't know the answer... and I TOTALLY understand why you would feel that way. FWIW, though my gut thinks that might not be what was going on in his mind. it's hard to overestimate the significance and impacts of the shame involved. for a normal (not psychopath) guy that get's hooked on porn, the shame is almost debilitating, literally physically debilitating. we feel unworthy of our wives. that is why intimacy is destroyed: trying to push away the shame, and unworthiness to connect in a vulnerable way is incredibly hard - maybe impossible. I suspect you were never ugly to your husband - but rather your beauty and your realness and your love compounded the hurt and shame (the whole "look at this amazing prize I've got - wtf am I doing with fake women, what is wrong with me????"). and like hurting people often do - we say hurtful things out of our pain, and hurt those we love. and push even them away.

don't know if this helps. I'm not trying to make excuses, just want to clarify what the dynamic likely was.

 

fwiw - i get the need for complements and empathy. my wife is naturally pretty empathy-free. we just recently spoke about it - it's like I'm speaking Swahili to her, it's really amazing. it's like there a hole in her brain where empathy should be... the pastor that did our premarital counseling tested us for compatibility of character traits: his quote to her from the test results: "some forms of granite have more compassion than you"

I have lost 15lbs and changed my hair in the last few months. not a word from her. a complement would be nice.

so it's not just guys who are clueless and unempathetic...

 

Yeah I can identify with that. My wife is not the touchy-freely type. In fact she doesn't touch me at all except during sex. Which sucks b/c my LL is Physical Touch. And compliments are rare. In the past six months I've gained almost 10 lbs of muscle (I'm naturally tall and skinny) aand look awesome naked. Haven't heard a word about it. I don't need it but you'd think such an obvious change would at least be mentioned in passing. I'll settle for her hands on my shoulders or touching my back. Any. Thing.

 

@phuck-porn! I really appreciate your kinds words and that you shared your thoughts. My husband has echoed your sentiments, but I just didn't believe him. Your words give him more clout so to speak-and make me feel better. So thank you!

 

That is a damn good quote. I actually feel like that's what this whole pmo addiction has made me. Granite. Maybe I need to change my screen name to taken for granted granite.
@novibe you really have no idea how bad I want to scream every time I hear that sentiment. I usually get sarcastic and say well it's a damn shame you couldn't suck worse on finding porn outlets

 

I'm pretty sure our LLs were completely opposite. Physical was my top and his bottom. I touch him all the time (and compliment) and wonder if maybe he'd crave it more if I didn't do it so much.

Gifts was one of his top but he is the most difficult person to get a gift for bc he buys everything he wants and he is quite particular about the things/hobbies he's into. So difficult.

 

Damn spouses. Makes you think about the whole "opposites attract" thing. It wouldn't be so bad but I have literally said "Yo this is all you need to do and I will be happy." I must not be doing something right b/c I use to woo her pants off (literally). Now that stuff doesn't make a dent.

 

There is actually a interesting study
.. I lost track of it... About how the little things you love in the beginning becomes the stuff you end up getting annoyed with after so long... So to woo back, do the stuff in the beginning that used to annoy... Because it's now charming.
Depending on where you are in what stage of the relationship.
I've never tested it.
.... So I can't say.

 

Opposites attract bc if if you were both the same..one of you would be irrelevant...

Ahhh...makes sense right!?

 

That's an interesting theory. I'll have to figure out what she found annoying in the beginning...

 

Let me know.
For me, it was how he ate... Now, years later... Sexiest thing ever!
So may be some truth to this
(why I suggested it)

 

I get what you're layin down, though I hate thinking of it in terms of irrelevancy. For now I just may have to buy her favorite alcohol, get her drunk. At least we'll both get booty. This love shit takes awhile to sort out.

 

Definitely need research b/c it's an intriguing theory. Could be the next big thing in self-improvement!

 

If I knew where the study was, I'd link it.
It was a while ago... I don't even remember the title.

 

Exactly! This is what I'm talking about. I say exactly what I want and nothing happens. It makes me mad, when he asks/says "Tell me what to do and I'll try my best." and I'm like "Really? You don't know?!? I have ONLY said it about a hundred times and you have to ask?"