Suffering wife seeks support as her marriage (and life) gets put back together

I definitely have to keep reminding myself of this. It hasn't even been 30 days yet; it feel like it's been longer, heh.

THIS. Soooo much this. I feel like I haven't been able to truly start my own recovery because of the information that keeps coming to light. It's almost like "one step forward, FIFTY HOJILLION steps back".

 

These days I feel like my brain is at war with itself. At times I experience severe amounts of fear that gives me what I call "tunnel vision" - where I'm completely unable to feel hope or any semblance of happiness or optimism about the future and only negative thoughts are emphasized. Despite the immense pain and trauma I've experienced due to his behavior I know deep down that I want to do my part to make this marriage work, to get through this. It's hope combined with my love for @Garnadaan that's keeping me from doing something I know I'd regret (end our marriage). When we got married I vowed to love him for better or worse, in sickness and in health; I plan on honoring that vow. As poorly as his behavior has made me feel (which is pretty damn poorly) I'm still standing by him and helping him get through this. I'm not going to to give up on him or this marriage.

 

I was feeling a lot of anger yesterday. I thought I'd been handling angry feelings effictively these past few weeks...yesterday I realized that was unfortunately not the case. In my goal to get my feelings "up and out" (thanks, @Limeaid!) I vented these feelings of anger to @Garnadaan when I picked him up from work last night. I know I said some pretty hurtful things that were not easy for him to hear but venting those feelings helped a bit. Yesterday I caved in to the irrational fear-fueled little voices in my head that were telling me, "You NEED to get angry. You've been going too easy on him. You're being complacent. His behavior is a deliberate 'fuck you' to both you and your marriage." Those little voices need to just fuck right off.

I don't truly believe what the little voices were saying, except for the part about being angry. I feel that I don't NEED to get angry - I do need to accept/own my angry feelings and express them as calmly as I can manage, though.

Ugh, I'm going to go play some video games now in what I know will be a futile attempt to mentally disconnect from all this. Despite its futility I'm gonna do it anyway.

 

Hi, @wildwood! Thanks for your reply. I'm with you in that I definitely feel like I can never trust my husband again (even though I want nothing more than to be able to do so).

As far as video games go - @Garnadaan and I do a lot of gaming together. We have been re-playing both Dark Souls and Dark Souls 2 as well as playing Destiny and Bloodborne. We just started playing Resident Evil 5 together as well. As far as what I'm playing solo, I've been playing a lot of Cook Serve Delicious and Ticket to Ride. I need to pick Borderlands 2 back up...awesome game. I need to pick DOOM 2 back up as well (classic!).

 

I have no idea.

 

Thanks for posting the links! I'll have to check them out. I find the idea very intriguing.

 

Well, we did indeed cancel on the 4th of July party we were planning on attending. This would have been our first social obligation since everything happened and we just weren't up to putting on happy faces and socializing (in addition to my aforementioned paranoia) but given what we did instead I am SO GLAD that we didn't go to the party! @Garnadaan only worked a half day yesterday so we had the entire afternoon and evening to ourselves. We went through another chapter of The Porn Trap (we go through a chapter a day and discuss it) and went grocery shopping. We bought some gourmet sausages to celebrate the holiday (we're not big on hot dogs) which was really nice. After dinner he asked me what I wanted to do for the evening and I responded, "Something that helps build trust and intimacy". Garnadaan suggested spending time together in the apartment naked (didn't see that coming) so that's what we did. We had some meaningful conversations (of a non-sexual nature), talking about everything and nothing. I was pretty nervous at first about the nakedness factor (thanks to my low self-esteem) but that evaporated fairly quickly. Overall it was great spending time together in this way. The nakedness added to our mutual feelings of vulnerability - we're both really vulnerable right now (makes sense) and I wanted to start feeling comfortable being naked around him again.

The evening ended with us having the best sex we've ever had in our marriage.

Spoiler: Possible trigger

During sex and as he orgasmed we both had our eyes open, frequently making eye contact with each other. It really turned me on watching him as he pleasured me during foreplay and seeing his facial expressions as he looked at me while orgasming during sex; I'd seen his "O face" before but this time there was something different about it.

There was so much genuine love and passion in it that I sobbed afterward; he held me as I cried, telling me I was beautiful and that he loved me. I wasn't expecting to feel such a heartfelt, genuine physical/sexual expression of love so soon into his recovery from PMO. It marked the first time since everything happened that I felt like a woman, like a desirable sexual being. Afterwards we cuddled and talked some more before falling asleep.

Before we dozed off I told him that I have more hope/belief that we'll get through this than ever before. Our heading in the right direction has been reinforced substantially. We'll get there in time....I'm looking forward to the journey as well as the destination.

 

Well, another setback has reared its head. This "trickle" of information is killing me and Garnadaan knows it. @Garnadaan's sexual thoughts involved one of the employees he manages....it wasn't an idle "notice, appreciate, move on" type of thought, either. It was graphic, arousing to him, and occured more than once. I'm back to being devastated...one step forward, fifty million steps back. I feel like in her his addiction now has a face. When I found out about this last night I told him flat out, "She has to go. I don't want you working with her ever again." That may not be possible but he's trying to get her transferred to another store so he won't have to work with her. My brain is not leaving me alone! ARGH! No matter what I do my thoughts wander to images of them having sex. The awesome 4th of july sex we had is now tainted. He tells me over and over, "I don't want her. I want you. I love you and no one else," but it doesn't always get through. He sees this girl every day; when his store closes next week she's moving to the same new location that he is, which makes me incredibly uneasy and paranoid. I'm not mad at her or anything - (she's a nice girl, is married with a kid) but I can't see her now without thinking of her fucking my husband. I couldn't sleep much last night; I dreamt that he left me, she left her husband, and they got together. The dream was so vivid I apparently thrashed about in my sleep and made noise, enough to wake up Garnadaan and for him to shake me awake. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Garnadaan says over and over that he wants to do right by me, that he wants to be the man that I deserve. I'm ready for his actions to catch up with his words...it hasn't fully happened yet.

He attended his first Sexaholics Anonymous meeting tonight...he should be getting home from that pretty soon. I don't know if that'll help but he's giving it a try. I'm also going to start attending S Anon meetings next Thursday. Hopefully they'll help. There's also a support group for partners of sex addicts that meets weekly; it's a bit of a drive for me (30 minutes each way) so I'm not sure if I'll attend that as well. He's also looking for alternate counseling options for us; the therapist we wanted to see isn't accepting new clients

 

One positive thing that happened recently: I picked up my knitting needles for the first time since all this happened. I have @Blondewife to thank for providing me with encouragement when I needed it most. THANK YOU!