Something's wrong with me

In the latter half of this year I've been feeling like no one understands me. This isn't in a self-pity type way, and I know this isn't necessarily true, but it has been the leading cause of my relapses.

I enjoy being alone and have gotten quite used to it. I don't mind being around people but I have to recharge my "social battery" frequently. Very few people operate like I do, most who do are twice and three times my age haha.

I thought I was in the clear as I went a little over 30 days clean, I thought I conquered myself. Last night, however, has me extremely dissapointed in myself. I stayed up for almost 6 hours on my phone on a chat site, the sexual desire faded and I was just looking to talk to people. It's embarrassing though because I barely slept and relapsed at the end of it.

I'm coming to hate computers and I don't want to give them my time. Chatting with people online feels pathetic to me at times, but that's just me putting myself down. I want to get away from the phone and computer and while I've made improvements, this has been hard for me to force myself.

I'm very busy during the day, so it's at nights that this gets bad. I'll keep fighting but I just had to get my thoughts down as I was very angry with myself ealier today. I know I have no one to blame but myself, so ultimately I'll keep going. Not asking for pity

Thank you

 

Thank you! I usually do, my phone is blocked overnight and I keep it in another room. I just messed up this time, I should have known better

 

I think it has become this way because the people I'm around don't "Match my energy". I just need to find like-minded people, and I haven't yet. With most people my relationships with them are one-sided: I'm there for them to help and listen, but they're not too interesting in reciprocating. Either that, or they're just immature.

I feel energized though when having good, deep conversations with people though.