Self Worth

So far so good. I am pleased to report that my wife and I had real sex last night. It was a good thing and I'm not going to elaborate more. I'm going to take the positive thing away from it.

I was online just trying to check the weather & sports scores and even that is a dangerous thing. Every thing that popped up in the background was some scantily clad woman with big breasts flaunting herself. Triggers are everywhere! I cant even buy breakfast cereal without facing some sort of reference to sex!
Oh well, I guess that is the world we live in.

So far so good!
Arpy

 

I am very close to meeting my goal of 7 days! That may not seem like a lot, but I can use the win. It has been a while since I went 7 days without PMO. I feel good. The interesting thing is that this morning, I am alone with the computer for the rest of the day. This is generally the time when I start breaking out the porn sites. I'm not going to lie.... I thought about it and still think about it even as I type. But I am on Nofap instead! Once I finish this post, I am going to head out away from the computer because I think if I stayed it would be to hard to resist.

I have learned that much..... I cant stay and fight this temptation. I need to be smart and to run... to avoid triggers and to replace PMO with a better habit. I look forward to setting and achieving another goal!

Arpy

 

This is a good thing for me. I know that at any point a temporary lapse of judgment could ruin my "streak", but recently I have been reading various things (either on this forum or linked from this forum) that help. I need to shift my focus from 1 day, 2 days, 500 days to developing more positive habits (journaling, prayer, self reflection, exercise, etc.) In short I cant dwell on the negative aspects of my addiction and feel bad constantly. This continues to give PMO power over my life, but in a different way. Even if I abstain from PMO, if my thoughts are constantly on 7 days, 8 days, etc.. I am giving it more power than it deserves!

So I am shifting my focus to develop more positive habits, rather than dwell on the negative. Thank you all for the support and positive comments you have given!

Arpy

 

Honestly I am pretty upbeat. I cant believe I am closing in on 10 days! Seems like nothing compared to some, but this is my journey.... It is an achievement for me. I will be setting my goal higher soon. Enough about that!

I have been active and staying away from triggers. I could fall at any time, but a fall is not a fail. I will pick up and keep moving ahead.

Arpy

 

Thanks guys for all of the encouragement! So far so good. I am alone on Saturday mornings (always a tempting time). After I finish up on this site I am going to read the Bible and pray for a bit. I have had some measure of success, but I know that I am weak. I know from experience that I cant let up one little bit or I will just fall back into old unhealthy patterns.

This is a journey. I have set some short term goals (a day here or there), but I know that reaching those goals does not mean I am "cured". It does not mean that I have succeeded. It only means that I have abstained for a period of time. That is just a small portion of what it means to succeed in this battle.

Thank you all & best wishes in your journeys,

Arpy

 

I ran across this passage in Our Daily Bread. It strikes me that it is particularly true both about pornography itself as well as how we have to be in our struggle against it.... keep getting up!

"When I was growing up, I had an inflatable plastic punching dummy. It was about as tall as I was and had a smiling face painted on it. My challenge was to hit it hard enough to make it stay down. But no matter how hard I tried, it always bounced right back up again. The secret? There was a lead weight in the bottom that always kept it upright."

Arpy

 

It kind of dawned on me again today that this is a journey. I try to tell myself that a lot... to remind myself that it isn't over at 10 days or 14 or even 1,000. Honestly it sort of depressed me a little bit. I've made it almost 2 weeks without PMO, without porn, and without the guilt. What a monumental achievement for me, and yet, it is just a drop on the bucket.

I actually had a memory flash by me of a particular porn like image that I had seen in the past. It came out of no where! Within like 3 innocent thoughts, I was back to this image! I am only thankful that I was driving at the time. Had I been alone with the computer, who knows?.... Needless to say I changed my thought process real quick to some pretty serious prayer.

Arpy

 

I guess I don't have much to say today. So far so good. I am just trying to be really aware of managing any triggers I might encounter and there are a lot of them!

Arpy

 

This morning I began to think about other things in my life that I need to improve. I'm not sure if staying away from PMO has prompted me to look at these aspects or not. Maybe I'm not so strung out from the porn fix that I can see things clearer? I am also approaching 40 yrs old... maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis?

I finished my shower this morning with a good blast of cold water. This was not to curb any sort of craving, just to see what it was like. You guessed it, it was cold! But, it woke me up and killed any sort of craving that might have come.

I have a young son that I want to have a talk with as he gets older.... not just "birds & bees", but about this very struggle I have been having. I don't want him to fall into the same traps I did.

My brain droppings for the day!
Arpy

 

I have to remind myself how easy it is to relapse. In the past I've done pretty well and then like a lot of addicts I start to compromise... let me look at that PG13 image a little longer.... let my mind wander a little bit and think about that girl I saw on the street. These things are more or less innocent, but lead me down the path to PMO. I cant make compromises!

I have caught myself now and then the past few days letting those things happen. In the moment, it is hard to believe that just another look would hurt, but it does.

Thank you for your support and for listening.
Keep strong in your own battle!
Arpy

 

I must be coming out of a mini flat line. Things didn't seem all that bad for a while, but I notice more and more of these fleeting thoughts of feelings. I just need to stay strong and be smart. I cant let up for an instant or I will be right back where I started. Maybe my brain is starting to purge some of this stuff?

Anyway, my wife & I made love the other day. Not earth shattering, but no ED and generally a positive thing. Keep me in your thoughts & prayers. I know we can all rise above this if we stay dedicated.

Arpy

 

OK. I'm going to bump my goal up to 30 days. I have been doing pretty well so lets keep it going!