Self Worth

You know I started NoFap along time ago when I was experiencing some ED while having sex with my wife. I did pretty well for a bit and then fell back into the old habits. I then ignored NoFap for over a year. I'm right back where I started.

I want to change. I need to change. Someone once said that your self worth is not the same as your addiction. I think there is a lot of truth there. I think we all need to realize that we have self worth. That we matter and that our addiction doesn't change that.

If we matter (and I believe we all do) then we cant continue to abuse ourselves with POM.

Thoughts for the day!

Arpy

 

It seems things are going OK so far. In all honesty, it hasn't been long enough and I've not had opportunity enough for temptation to set in. When I first tried this, I made it up to around 45 days. It had probably been around age 11 or 12 when I last went 45 days without masturbation. Anyway, I did pretty well at identifying the triggers that made me PMO. The biggest porn trigger was being alone & bored. I think if I can be aware of that I'll be OK this time.

As I reflect a bit for a "root cause" that turned me to PMO I wonder about my early sexual development. I was way to sexually active in grade school. That cant be normal!

Anyway, I am not my addiction and I refuse to let it dictate the rest of my life!

 

Saturday morning here and I am feeling pretty tempted. My wife is away and I have some alone time here with the computer. This is often a time when I PMO. I dont want to do it this time, but the temptation is strong. I am going to write a bit here and then try to keep busy outside. Wish me luck!

Arpy

 

Well as I near the half way point of my 10 day goal, I have to reflect a little about what my real goal is. I kind of stumbled back here (a sort of NOFAP Prodigal Son if you will) after I willfully turned my back on it over a year ago. I had gone a couple of months without PMO and I thought I was "cured". During this time, I continued to have sex with my wife, but was dealing with premature ejaculation. So I hit upon the idea of MO, but without the "fantasy" or porn. Just concentrating on the physical feeling only. I did this before my wife & I had sex in order to prolong her experience and make it "better".

You can guess what happened. One thing lead to another & I spiraled down the drain again.

So here I am again. Shooting for 10 days, but ultimately aiming at never again being a slave to PMO. Notice I didn't say not being addicted to porn. I think a lot of us have proven that once addicted, always addicted. But, we can control ourselves and our lives. I don't want to serve PMO anymore!

 

Today has been and I'm sure will continue to be a challenge. I'm home alone, which has always been "the perfect time" for PMO. It is amazing how these old habits die hard (no pun intended). I found myself looking forward to the alone time PMO. Then I sort of snapped out of it and decided to post here. I am hoping to find something to keep me busy and my mind off of PMO. I dont want to fail before I've even gotten started. I purposely set my initial goal low so that I could reach it.

 

As an answer to my prayers, my wife came home early so I am not alone! That makes it so much easier to resist. I think boredom & being alone are big triggers of mine.... stress also. I think being alone with the computer at this point is kind of like an alcoholic working at a bar. Not a good idea!

Arpy

 

Ugh... sick today. Will be home alone, but hopefully being sick will stifle any PMO thoughts I might have!

 

Well - I failed. I was hoping that being sick would prevent me from PMO. Instead, I didn't feel well and sought out PMO to make me feel better. In the back of my mind, I almost knew I would fail today. I struggled with it in my head for quite a while and then this creepy sort of calm set in when I relented.... this whole thing sucks! I'm pretty pissed off at somebody. What right do they have to put this shit in my face constantly. I am addicted. I know it. I hate it and I 'm going to get better. I have to. But, sex is everywhere in the media and just a mouse click away. I cant buy friggin tires or a box of cereal without someone making it about sex!
Sorry. I just needed to vent.

Arpy

 

I just cant keep clean. I reduced my goal to 7 days. I need a win. It is very difficult to fail every time you try. I'm feeling pretty down. I hate this addiction and I wish I never started.

Arpy

 

I'm not an overly religious man, but I do believe that there is a God... a higher power... a greater purpose. I suppose I also believe that we all have souls, our spirit, our being or essence. I lay in bed this morning and I prayed.... My soul hurts. I am broken. I don't want to be broken anymore. I don't want to binge on images and videos of women being used and degraded. That is what porn is. It is not harmless.

I am not looking at a sears catalog. I am not looking at an artistic photo shoot. I am viewing women who are used and abused for the amusement of men. Men like us who watch this stuff. Men like us who have been lied to and told this is sexy or erotic. It is cruel.

I have a loving wife and a young daughter. Both of them are smart, beautiful, & unique. How can I tell myself that I am a good person... a good husband... a good father, when I have this "other side" that I cant control and sometimes don't want to control? I have a young son. Would I model this example for him? Would I tell him that women are to be used for sex. That they are to be degraded for our enjoyment? NO! Then why on earth do I act that way and support that mentality when I am alone with my computer.

My life, my soul has been perverted. My soul needs to be fixed. I need to be forgiven and start over with a clean slate. If you are religious... please pray for me. If not, just keep me in mind and maybe drop me a line of encouragement.

Thanks guys,
Arpy

 

Thank you seventyniner. I needed that and I appreciate the time that you took to respond.

 

I am trying to take the advice you all have given me to heart. I read back through some of my posts and there was a real self loathing negative vibe. I know that is not healthy or productive and I appreciate those folks who pointed that out in a supportive manner.

Yesterday I wound up home alone, which is always a big temptation to PMO. But, instead I took the time I had and went outside for a walk (some much needed exercise). Lets hope I can replace the bad habit with a good one.

Two days. I'll take it.
Thanks,
Arpy

 

Thank you all for the support. I really think it helps to know that there are folks out there with the same struggles. I am not alone. Reading these boards proves that.

I'm up to 3 days without much of a problem so far. I think I need to identify and manage my triggers better in order to succeed. I have a tendency to stand and fight something when confronted. I am beginning to realize that I cant fight PMO at this point. I just have to run from and avoid the temptation.

Arpy