Rocks....losing, living under & throwing....My Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Trigirl78, Feb 10, 2019.

  1. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

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    Good Morning!
    Well, night it is here in Perth. You sound like you’ve had a hell of a week but you’re doing bloody well to stay motivated with gym , eating etc etc. Good on you and keep it up! You’ll be feeling a million bucks for it.
    On my really bad days I struggle to even leave the house.
    I love what you said earlier about the divorce diet too- it’s silly but losing a bit of weight at a time like this has been a welcome guest for me!
    Our partners counters are at really similar counts. We must be at a similar point in our healing and dealing, or NOT healing and dealing as the case feels for me. There must be some kind of explanation for phase we are at- as your week and emotions sounds remarkably similar to mine.
    My sadness has gone back to anger, jealousy and resentment. I’m acting crazy about ridiculous things that shouldn’t matter, and I even told SO today that I hate the psycho GF I have become. I used to get really annoyed when I would hear workmates or friends bitch about their boyfriends, hearing how petty they would be to their men or jealous of other women etc. Now I am that annoying GF.

    Today I lost my shit because I realised my partner hadn’t ‘liked’ any of my photos on Facebook for 6 months. Am I a 16 year old schoolgirl? All I could think was that he had quite literally had his ‘hands full’ with our other female friends Facebook pictures over the last 6months- but completely missed mine during adventures around his Facebook fantasyland. I took it as a huge insult- but looking at the big picture its such a stupid thing to be upset over! When I am around him he always puts me first- so why am I so caught up on a stupid click of a button. It’s all too fresh and close to home, so anything sensitive to the subject, i.e Facebook in our case, is going to set me off.
    For you personally, is the acting out over the ex more damaging than P? I can imagine how hard that must be. I know in our case , the M over our friends has been what’s ruined everything . Constant reminders seeing them pop up all over my social media with their larger boobs, skinnier, younger, etc etc , and viewing them as actual threats to our relationship vs porn, as they are all single and in our social circles. Here I go again. Must. Stop.Thinking. About . THEM!


    This sounds like nothing of concern, but very very unfortunate given how fragile you’re feeling. I’d be exactly the same as you. Mildly jealous, nosey and probably insecure. But that certainly doesn’t make it right to feel that way. Just try and think -will that message mean anything in 2 months time, 2 weeks- infact you’ll probably be over it in a couple of days. No major but good you mentioned it to your SO.im sure he understands why it raised eyebrows.

    Let me know when you find out the answer to this !!!
    We both have incredibly loving men. I’m trying my hardest to focus on that at the moment. It has never ever been a doubt for me whether or not my SO loves me and is committed to our future, he’s just acted like a lunatic along the way.
    We should be feeling really proud of ourselves for not taking the easy option and walking away. For continuing to support someone who has so savagely hurt us.

    It’s hard to imagine right now but this is making both of our relationships so strong.

    Nothings a mystery for us anymore, and even though it’s been a fucking tough pill to swallow- it’s all on the table. I don’t know how many other women I know in relationships can truely say they know such detail of their partners sexual behaviours.

    Enjoy the weekend, let’s both try to put off our mental breakdowns for another week =)

    Xxx
     
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  2. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Good Morning!

    This is the part that makes me feel low is my sometimes inability to see past the murky waters and be that bright lovely GF he fell in love with. Sometimes I feel so blah and so dull and miserable.

    Lol - its a real life struggle these days.....I used to love social media, now I hate it! He for a while would not always approve the tags of our events and pictures, but he does more these days.

    For me the acting out over an EX, who was majorly bustier, blonde and a decade younger than me.....just was like ripping out my heart and stamping on it. It really broke me. That was the point of this addiction.....I was like....either you get a grip or its likely we wont have a future. Its horrible too that we have to accept their acting out as just that and the fact that it actually felt like cheating as it was a past love - goes by the way side!!!

    Like you rightly pointed out, of no concern really and in my heart and mind I know it, but given my fragile state it was a little insensitive. I did message him at work and put the knife in slightly about it as I couldn't resist. I said 'I'm proud of you, when you aren't chatting up 20 year old 400m hurdlers!!' he wasn't too pleased about it but when I then said, its ok if you want me to open up flirty chat like that with others at work...he then agreed it wasn't too cool.

    However, having slept on it this morning, like you said it really is so insignificant....and all I've done now is come across like a controlling maniac & basically making him prob feel like he can no longer banter with anyone of the opposite sex. So, once again I feel like a bag of crap. I do not want him to feel any restrictions at all other than not to use P and not to use M unless hes in a good place. That's it, the rest of it shouldn't be restricted other than treat how you want to be treated. I am naturally a flirty person, but these days I am learning I don't engage in it as its unwelcomed. I am happy with my guy I don't need or want any attention elsewhere.

    So lessons learned is STOP seeking......START breathing inbetween action.....and talk to LUCY more before!!! ha ha

    AGREED!!!!!!!!!!!
    Amen to this! Im out on a girlie night of cocktails & Indian food tonight and away this weekend at his family with the kiddos so very excited about all that. Catch up in a few days xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Thank you again for your amazing support.
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2019
  3. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    We’ve just come back from a mini break to my SO family town with the kiddos. He brought a road bike...after I suggested it would be a good distraction for him on days when he is off shift and home alone. So he’s happy today with his purchase.

    Weekend was non-eventful. The kids were ok but at times stressing me out as they do. He is the calm one with them and has more patience than I do these days so that was very helpful.

    Plenty of intimate fun times, although I did get a few triggers of past pain ...one of remembering a time we visited and he kinda had to really concentrate to finish ...I joke and call it the ‘dont Move and I’m in a headlock position!!’ Lol but mostly I guess it was the produce of porn misuse and desensitisation. Anyway none of that this time.

    I still feel like at the moment our libidos are mis matched and the majority of the time he is trying to full fill my wants. I’m sure he would go much longer in between. I do miss so much the feeling of them desiring you and them instigating it.

    All ok all a great weekend. He’s 69 days P&M free apparently. So doing well.
    We don’t talk about it much these days so hoping he is still staying vigilant. His CE app did glitch on his phone and I helped put it right.

    Another trigger was him pointing out a picture of me with wavy hair and how he likes it..... not sure if it’s trigger or just insecurity as immediately I’m thinking of him looking at my friends pictures on FB who has wavy hair...,,I feel like such a loon.

    I was looking up a picture on my late husband’s FB to show him his road bike and came across an old profile picture that was cheerleaders...I said god that didn’t even register with me as an issue but if he did that now being a PA I would rip him a new a hole! Lol . Just goes to show how secure I was with my Late husband as he didn’t appear to sexualise anything and now I am a mental case.

    Fingers crossed we make it
    To 90 days not that I expect some revelation to occur. But still progress is progress.
     
  4. stands to reason

    stands to reason Fapstronaut

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  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Not at all. This is part of BT. Your brain is constantly "seeing" reminders of past pain and threats. I think it is trying to keep you safe. Your are NOT a loon. Quite the opposite.
     
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  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Same here! My late husband had a healthy sexual appetite, but as far as I knew never sexualized anyone. He never ogled, never porned, etc. I trusted him completely because he never gave me any reason not to. When I married my current husband, I was so naive and completely thrown off by his addiction that by the time I realized what the problem really was, I thought I had lost my mind. Even now, after a year of twice per week therapy, I doubt I will ever be completely "right" again.
     
  7. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I have started to consider counselling now, but I also don’t want to just indulge myself in my own misery as I’ve got so much I could go over about this and with my own grief I could be in counselling until I’m 50!

    I am having a lot more ‘normal’ days but far from healed. I feel I need constant validation.

    He’s brought so much good and positivity into my world I just can’t believe something like this has wrecked such havoc and doubt.

    For me the BT signs/triggers are:
    - memories of seeing videos and picture of him and his ex
    - seeing his Insta/eBay etc type searches and images
    - seeing his old chat/hook ups messages
    - that feeling of not quite being good enough (not blonde, now not wavy hair, not big boobed & not a decade younger)
    - over analysing our intimate time
    - loathing of social media
    - fear of any sex scenes in movies
    - fear of advertising
    - fear of him being unfaithful
    - fear of him sexualising/admiring any female in path or my friends
    - fear of slips or relapses and my ability to cope
    - fear or any open technology left around

    The list is endless :-(
     
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  8. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    This 4-day weekend has been sunny, relaxing but at the same time emotional.

    Part of the new life is getting used to my SO working shifts and away for long periods of time. So this weekend he has worked nights all through it, which sucks from a family hang out perspective. We’ve spent time when we could but not as much as would be nice if he worked a normal 9-5. Still I’ve been thankful for the times we have had.

    He’s been very involved in his new road bike, buying lots of bits and going out when he could. We did a ride together on Friday but I did struggle to keep up and kinda held him back so whilst it was good I did feel quite inadequate by the end. It’s like I take EVERYTHING personal now. It’s not just my appearance that’s not good enough, it’s my income, my personality, my sporting ability and anything else I want to beat myself up with. He doesn’t say or insinuate this, it’s all in my head from the trauma of this all.

    I love that he’s enjoying his new bike as i hope it will keep him entertained when I’m at work and he’s home bored instead of big breasted fake women!!!!

    I do wish for some injection of surprise from him...maybe a dinner, a gift or something like a mini break as I seem to be the one to organise it all. I find myself in snowhite syndrome and wondering why my friends all get this from their OHs but I don’t! I never have really from any of mine. He surprises me with love and organisation around the home etc but I want romance and gestures that show thought etc. I can see in the past he’s used to indulging himself mostly which is quite typical of my late husband too, but I want a man that wants me to work hard to organise things for me. Moan over.
    Sometimes I think I look for things to moan about. I just can’t seem to get myself in a happy place. I mean I am happy and content, but I am quite down too. My grief has really surfaced since all of this PA trauma. It’s just a massive mixed bag of crappy emotions. I should just be happy to be healthy and alive for goodness sake!!!
     
  9. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    So I’ve woken up with a totally more positive outlook.

    I spend too much time wallowing in my misery rather than being thankful and mindful of all the amazing stuff he’s done.

    As he arrived home this morning from a full night shift I remembered the day when he had done the same but that morning my daughter had a riding lesson and hers and my grief was lying heavy so we both were not feeling great. Because of this, he set his alarm for 1 hour of sleep and got up and met us at the stables to watch her ride. It was the most PERFECT thoughtful caring and generous thing he could of done!

    Today, I will be my best self. My best mum, my best me, my best partner to the last amazingly beautiful love of my LIFE xxx pukefest over its time to enjoy the last of this holiday weekend sunshine xxxxx

    Big love
     
  10. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

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    Hi!!
    Hi! Your number one fan here LOL

    Its funny you talk about the ''comparison' , and long for surprises etc.
    After everything horrible we went though- the point that I nearly left - I wanted to be swept off my feet!!

    I went through that wave of emotion a couple of weeks ago and it crippled me to the point that I had to sit down and tell my SO how I felt that way.

    I felt ripped off really. I had been put through hell and back, yet Rachel gets taken on a romantic weekend to Fiji. Or Erin gets a puppy. Or Jo gets an engagement ring!!!

    Tbh, nothing has changed since..but I did get some nice easter eggs. I think my partner gets the idea that I need to see him pick his game up.
    But at the end of the day, do we really need suprises for them to show their love and devotion to us?
    Have you read love languages?

    Its so hard not to compare ourselves to others, but we can't!!
    Everyone else has their own shit going on- and is there really anyone else on this planet you would want to be with?

    Im pleased you woke up the following day feeling positive. Its hard sometimes- and our trauma is going to make us doubt every last detail of our relationships at times.

    Have a great weekend xxxxx
     
  11. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Time is surely flying by now hes gained some momentum with recovery, So much so I don't always think to blog. #day83 for SO of No P & M.....

    This week I brought up the discussion about reading provocative reading material that his therapist suggested....I felt like it really was like reading a version of PHub. I emailed him a thread about this I found on Reddit and asked him to think it over. He did think and actually brought the discussion up with me about it. After some talking he said he agreed and felt the book should be trashed. I really wanted to go into his drawer and remove it but I knew it needed to be him to do it and he did!!! This made me so proud of him.

    Sometimes this journey can feel like you are stripping them of everything they have known and loved.....but I'm hoping he sees way more benefit in a life without these crippling choices.

    I'm really proud of how he is starting to discuss or bring up stuff he knows I am mulling over. His usual style would be to ignore it and hope it goes away....but now he seems much more able and willing to surface issues as they arise or I indicate there is one.

    I'm loving the results of my active lifestyle and I think he is too, albeit he is getting a little intimidated by my muscles - he he.

    His libido appears to be picking up more, but I decided this week I would sit back and wait for him to make some moves....shake it up a bit.

    I watched an amazing documentary on Netflix from a TED Talk and I brought him the book...'Daring Greatly' by Brene Brown. It seems to talk a lot about issues that affect Intimacy attachment. I love learning new theories and self reflection & growth.

    So with it being the 1st of the month - My commitment today will be for the month of May..……..
    • I will NOT dig/scan/delve into any of his online activity
    • I will STOP myself mid flow if thinking about any of his past behaviours or slips
    I know I say this a lot BUT I DO want to step back...I keep saying it, and I do and have but I want to be more true to who I want to be.

    We have a mini break next week wine tasting in Spain and I cannot wait. Happy happy happy.

    I hope you all have a great month of May. And MAY the force be with me to stay strong and TRUST in my Jedi xxx
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
  12. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    So here I am 21 days into my new approach. An approach which is no checking his tech or stalking his activity and simply trusting him.

    Honestly, I feel amazing!!! Whilst I have tiny pangs of doubt and worry and want to check, I have found not looking has significantly eased my overall anxiety!!!!

    I feel better about myself and now see with much more clarity that he NEEDS to make it work, no amount of snooping or checking up and badgering him will ensure he makes a full recovery for life!!!

    Anyway, it’s been a while, so I figured I should update where I am at.

    Fingers crossed he remains true.
     

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