Renaissance - Journal of an SO

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Broken81, Oct 26, 2017.

  1. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Instead of random posts I have decided to keep a diary of my journey. I am hoping I can forgive my husband for the hurt and pain his addiction has caused me. I don't want to go back to what we were, I want to move forward to what we can be. I don't know where we will be in a years time, or if we will be together. I do however want to be able to say I tried my very hardest to forgive and move forward.
    For anyone who is still reading this and hasn't read any of my previous ramblings I will give the condensed version of events leading me here to this site.
    Ive been with my husband for 12 years, married 10. Over the last 6 years since the birth of our son our sex life changed from infrequent to non existent, mostly due to ED/DE and my husbands lack of desire. My husband slowly became depressed, angry, not motivated, grumpy, volatile. we moved to the USA for work for 3 years. His demeaner got worse. He did an awful lot of binge drinking, treated me terribly. Didn't extend our social invites to me. Didn't ring me when he went out binge drinking until early hours. Everytime I nearly walked out there would be promises of change. I knew about my husbands fetish/porn use from previous accidental discoveries (which always ended in promises of infrequent use and not having it in the house).
    We moved back to Australia.
    5 months ago I found a hard drive with 8500 recordings of mostly my husbands fetish on it. Female Body builders. Not many sexual acts, just flexing and posing. lots of amateur clips, webcam recordings. We installed accountability software (for a month). I read how porn use could cause ED so we tried intimacy which always ended in him finishing himself. 3 months later He returned from another work trip and accidently left his phone charging at home the next day. It was filled with websites from just one nights browsing. Herbicepscam, pornhub, facebook. My husband wasn't on any social media but he had created a secret account to fuel his addiction. He had secret emails, secret subscriptions. A completely secret double life. I was ready to leave But my husband had a breakdown in front of our 6 year old son and me. He tried to leave the house with my 6 year old hanging onto his legs crying for him not to leave. He later told me he was leaving to kill himself. Over the next few weeks I discovered (by playing detective) the extent of his deceit. He had managed to spend around a 1000 dollars a month on web cams. He had 11 real life encounters with fbbs for muscle worship sessions (not actual PIV sex, they flexed, he wanked). These encounters started on business trips and then he had 3 in our home town in his lunch hours.
    Ive had (I hope) full disclosure for 16 days now. Every sordid detail. I have had the trauma and indignity of internal exams and bloods for stds/aids. (ALL CLEAR). I am beyond distraught at my husbands behaviour. I'm slowly coming to terms with all details of his infidelity.
    My husband is showing true emotion for the first time in years. He is distraught at what he is putting me through. He is emotional without the anger. He is seeing a sex addict psychologist. He is finally being completely honest with me. He is trying to become the man I believed him to be. The father our son deserves. As long as he fights this, I will fight too.
    I am trying to deal with everything without collapsing on the floor in tears or unable to catch my breath. I saw a psychologist yesterday to try to help me deal with this trauma.
    I hope I can find the strength to begin to forgive my husband. I am taking comfort in the knowledge that there are people on here who have been through this hell. I hope I can offer insight or support to others if they need it. But mostly I just need an outlet for my emotions, whether anyone reads this or not. As my avatar says:
    THIS DAY. THIS MOMENT. THIS BREATH. ONE DAY AT A TIME. The future isn't promised but there is hope. I love my husband and my son and I'm clinging to that.
     
  2. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    One detail of my husband's PA was it was 99% his specific fetish which is FBB muscle worship (evident by the nature of the porn I found and by my husband's admission). I have been finding a little solace in the fact that you don't see many female body builders in every day life. We can still go about our every day business and not be reminded of his fetish every where we look. That was until yesterday when I saw the latest Foxtel advert (similar to a Verizon commercial for USA peeps or Sky TV for Blighty). Unbelievably the advert contains several images of very muscular FBBs, the exact kind my husband has fantasized, worshipped and paid for. I don't think I've ever stumbled across FBBs outside of specific magazines or my online obsessing. And now I'm reminded of my friggin nightmare every time I turn on the TV!!!!! I've pre warned hubby for a trigger. Damn you Foxtel. How will I watch Corrie now?
     
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  3. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    We went out last night to a Halloween function. It was nice to forget about everything and 'pretend' to be normal for a few hours. My husband agreed to drive so I could kick back and have a few beers. Sometimes it felt like I was hiding this huge secret from everyone. It was so strange to feel like that. I chatted to my husband this morning. He has been going someway to explain how he felt. How disconnected he became from his behaviour. How looking back now he can't understand how he continued to convince himself something so immoral wasn't cheating on me. I can really see the pain and anguish my hurt and his past actions cause him. It makes me feel good to know that he is so connected to his own emotions, because I hope while he feels his own pain shame and guilt, it's a barrier to his addiction that he has put up. I hope he continues to remember (not always feel, just remember) these emotions to help him stay P free.
     
  4. That's very true of the addict brain - it wants its fix and will go a long way to block out annoying details like consequences.

    So that's encouraging that he seems to be developing an awareness of that. Because I would think that the biggest risk with an addict who is 'caught' is thay they stop because they don't want to be caught again, which is a less powerful long-term motivator than awareness of morality and damage to others caused by your actions.

    Hoping this is the beginning of a happier life for you. And you should be confident that his ED problems will dissipate as he reboots, which is a nice, sexy bonus!
     
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  5. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I'm reading this with a post coital glow... my husband's ED/DE hasn't been an issue the last few weeks :) There may be ups and downs in this department (pun intended) but we've had more intimacy in 5 weeks than the last 5 years so long may it continue.
    Ps I think his true motivator to stop was his breakdown. He genuinely thought he'd lost us that day and was so overwhelmed with his emotions that he contemplated suicide. I only found out the true extent of his actions after this day but he was already PMO free then. Long may it continue :)
     
  6. I'll drink to that.
     
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  7. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    @Broken81 I'm glad things are improving for you! <3
     
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  8. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Torn. I'm still struggling with all the hurt and pain on a daily basis. But it helps that I feel closer to my husband than I have in years. I remember lying awake last night with my husband spooned against my back, arm over me, fast asleep. Falling asleep in each other's arms isn't something we've done since our first year of marriage. I detest with every fibre of my being what it took to get us here but the monumental effort my husband is putting in to conquer this and be a better man is helping me deal with my anguish. It still hurts like hell but no longer feels so hopeless.
     
  9. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    @Broken81 I totally relate to what you said about spooning at night again after so long. It feels so good, but it IS just awful what it's taken for us to get back here! It does still hurt. Trust me, you are NOT alone!
     
  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Oh goodness I can't spoon at all. I am always up for sex and my husband wants all this connection after and I won't let him touch me.
     
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  11. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I'm really sorry you feel that way Sadgirl. You must feel very lonely. I'm the opposite, I am craving his touch and intimacy. Sometimes it makes me feel so twisted that the man that has caused me more pain than I ever thought I'd experience is the one rubbing my back as I sob. I've always been pretty independent and I hate that he has made me feel so incredibly needy.
     
  12. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    There is a book I read that describes what you are saying (will get the name for you-super helpful book). Basically our husbands are our primary attachment figures. They are the cause of our pain, but are the ones we go to for soothing because we are attached to them. And that is great that you are having yoyr need for touch met and you are both bonding and releasing oxytocin. It's a win-win!
    As for me, we have sex daily, but otger thsn that I have really pulled away from him. He is trying so hard and I just run away.
     
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  13. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    So I have been reflecting this morning on our relationship since my son came along 6 years ago. Although our sex life was already having its problems (some of it probably porn induced, some of it due to the sex changing to purposeful sex, ie baby making). I remember during pregnancy my husband avoided sex completely blaming my previous pregnancy loses. Even though I kept saying our intimacy didn't have to end in PIV, I think my husband had already become very selfish in the bedroom, probably because of his porn use and masturbation habits. He was also mid thirties when we met, never having had a long term relationship before me (plenty of girlfriends and sex though). When we moved to USA my son was 2 and we'd probably had sex a handful of times.
    Our time in USA was very surreal. We had lots more money to spend, a house and bills paid for. We travelled a lot and had holidays. To outsiders we were living the dream. We used to comment a lot on how it never really felt real, even though we were living it. Sometimes now I wonder why I stayed in such an unhappy marriage when I look back. We fought constantly. One of the biggest topics was our lack of sex life. I had already discovered my husbands fetish by this point (although I never imagined how big a problem the porn was). Every argument ended in me telling him how rejected I had felt and how I needed him to now be the main instigator in sex and show me he wanted me. He always had an excuse to his no desire. Weight gain, work stresses etc. I think his mood and demeanour changed so gradually that I can't remember a tipping point for this. I do remember telling him after another binge drinking session that the man I married had disappeared. He seemed constantly angry. withdrawn. no empathy for anyone. Even his driving was aggressive. I remember begging him in tears to slow down as he was frightening me so much! I'm not sure how I let it get that bad. Or even If i noticed how bad it had become while I was living it. Maybe because it was so gradual it slowly became the norm. I did frequently tell him how depressed/angry I thought he'd become, especially after his dad died midway though the 3 years in USA. He kept telling me that once we got back to Australia things would be different. I changed too. I think I was so used to him hurting me in different ways that I became nasty when we argued. I'd tell him he was just like his dad (who was an alcoholic who acted out on his mum with prostitutes - see a pattern here). Id say hurtful things to him, sometimes I think I was trying to provoke a reaction out of him.
    Its amazing how much he has changed in the 6 weeks since DDay (although I discovered his porn back in June, I'm not counting this time. We both didn't understand it was addiction then). yesterday I bought a new tap for our kitchen sink. When I saw that he was about to install it I panicked and offered to get someone in to do it. Over the last few years if a job needed doing, it usually started in asking, then nagging, then begging for said job to be done. Then IF he finally did it (often I would resort to doing things myself) there would be swearing and bouts of insane anger whilst doing it. I hated such outbursts as although he kept saying they weren't directed at me, it was bouts of anger that my husband had never been prone to. It was an ugly side of my husband that I wished would go away.
    He installed said tap with no such outbursts. In much the same way as he has done other jobs around the house over the last few weeks, without me asking or nagging him to do them. He has enthusiasm back. Its like a blanket of grey has been lifted off my husband. Despite the intensity of our feelings over the PA and infidelity, he seems happier in general. He seems more engaged. Like he is truely back with me again instead of the shell of a man I have lived with. He is making a huge effort to play with our son again. To really listen to him.
    It is unbelievable how much this Pornography addiction slowly changed my husband into a mere shadow of himself. I'm slowly starting to separate the actions of an addict from the hurt said actions caused me. He cheated on me and that won't change or hurt less. But trying to look at his behaviour through the eyes of an addict and not of the betrayed partner helps me understand his it better. It doesn't change the hurt and destruction he has put our relationship though, but it is starting to change how I deal with and process it. How he didn't say to himself 'tonight I will go to a fbb's hotel room and intimately watch her flex and pose naked because this will destroy my wife'. He never set out to intentionally hurt me, I was just the collateral damage in a complex addiction.
     
  14. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    So for a few days now I've been feeling really good. The constant and all consuming hurt I felt (literally a pain/ache in my chest, like the feeling of panic when someone pulls out on you in the car, but ALL the time) had subsided somewhat. I hadn't cried in days. Until last night that is. Hubs had to work later than usual. My son was in an awful mood from the second I picked him up from school. I bought him the wrong sweets, I cooked the wrong spaghetti. The cat was sick and shat all over the house. By the time i put my son to bed i was feeling like crap. I started looking up on Google all the women my husband had webcamed or met (I had access to his email and now some of their names are permanently burnt into my brain). Because the FBB community is pretty small and these women are specialists, it's easy to access info on them. I can even read other mens reviews of their muscle worship sessions with the same women. I'm not sure why I do this to myself, it's stupid. It's like a form of torture that I'm inflicting on myself. I look at a picture of one of the women I know he has met, then wonder if he looked her in the eye as he O'd. By the time my husband walked in i was pretty much a mess. I was upset, worked up. But how he handled the situation was even shittier. He got angry. He accused me of permanently throwing this stuff in his face. I ended up sitting in the dark living room at midnight sobbing my heart out at the awful situation and the way my husband handled it. It's only been a few weeks since I found out he cheated on me 11 times with 6 different women over 18 months IRL, and thousands of times over 6 years on webcams. It's going to take me longer than a few weeks to 'get over It'.
    My husband later apologised. He'd had a really long and crappy day at work, then he came home to me in a mess. I can see it from his point of view, how he expected the version of me he left in the morning. Instead he came home to an emotional wreck. We talked. I explained to him that there are going to be days when I'm finding everything really hard to handle. And he has to be there for me, not get angry at me. And I will try hard not to get so overwhelmed too. It's a journey, not a race. There will be hills to climb, sharp bends to navigate. Sometimes we might breakdown or stop for a rest, but so long as we keep striving for the destination we will hopefully get there.
     
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  15. Sorry it's tough. My situation is a bit different to this, so this is more perspective of an outsider than experience.

    - I would stop looking up the sites. Nor for his sake - but you can't be doing anything but hurting yourself by obsessing.

    - he needs to understand that you're not just going to be ok, immediately. It's the final part of the addict's selfishness lingering. "Well we've done the confession and all of that, this is really hard on me too, can't we move forward?" No, obviously he should know that will happen at the pace you feel comfortable with.

    - I can't guarantee that it will get better, unfortunately. But I can guarantee that it will seem like it definitely won't, for a while. Time doesn't heal all wounds but it is a necessary ingredient.

    - I think you said you're going to counselling. Great! Make sure you find a counsellor you like and trust. It's a very personal thing, and you want to make sure it's right for you.

    - Assuming you do want to stay with him, he's going to need your help. You're definitely the victim here, but that fact alone won't make rebooting an easy process for him. There'll be ups and downs and he'll need to feel he can talk about anything he's feeling to you.

    There are many SOs here who can be far more helpful than I can, but I thought I'd share a few rambling thoughts, while they were on my mind. I hope they're in some way helpful. Another thing worth noting is there are plenty of journals here by people who sound as distraught as you do in the beginning, but who seem to find greater happiness in their lives and relationships over time. They may provide some comfort and inspiration at this time.
     
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  16. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    " I would stop looking up the sites. Nor for his sake - but you can't be doing anything but hurting yourself by obsessing"
    @AverageBear

    If only I could do this! And I'm trying very hard. When you've been with somebody 12 years and discover a whole other side of them it makes you feel so disorientated. I've always been very analitycal in my thought processes and learning. I can't process the unknown so I find myself wanting every little detail about his infidelities. If he's not here to answer a question I find myself drawn to actual facts. I see my psychologist today so I'm hoping to get some strategies to stop my obsessing and mind replays. Believe me, being in a queue at the shops and suddenly seeing my husband in a hotel room with another women, and suddenly feeling like I can't breathe, is NOT something I want to keep happening.
    Thanks for your insight, i find it helpful to have other perspectives and experiences.
     
  17. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I think I realized one of my overwhelming feelings today. Its Fear. I'm dealing with everything else too, but something my psychologist said last night to help me deal with panic attacks made me realise this. She was talking about not being able to change the past or the future, so being in the present will help.
    I've realised I'm terrified that I'm putting myself through all this pain and working so hard to make it right and it still might not be enough. That I could feel this way and put so much effort into recovering and still not be able to forgive him or trust him again.
    During our 'wobble' on Tuesday night I can remember saying to him... 'How do I stop worrying that every time you have a night out you haven't hooked up with some random and are cheating on me'. He was so vehement and sincere and full of emotion when he said the words 'I would never do that. I would never cheat on you'. When i saw his eyes he believed what he'd just said. I took a deep breath, almost waiting for the penny to drop. Then I said 'But you did. You DID cheat on me. You cheated on me 11 times in real life over 18 months. And thousands of times on webcams over 6 years. You crawled into our bed at night after paying to orgasm with another women in a hotel in your lunch hour. You went into your study and masturbated to webcams of other women whilst I breastfed our son in the next room. You spent enough money to put our son through Uni, or pay off 1/4 of our mortgage'. Every time I think of this it's like someone sticking a knife into my heart whilst stealing the air from my lungs. It terrifies me that I will always feel that physical pain. It terrifies me that I might still be in shock, and when It wears off I will want to flee. Back to the safety of Blighty and the love of my family there, instead of being alone and in pain here. I'm scared.
     
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  18. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I had a pretty emotional day yesterday. Little things keep triggering me. About 6 years ago I started getting nervous in the car as a passenger with my husband. I was fine when I was driving but I was uncomfortable with SO. I kept asking him to slow down etc. I got told constantly I was nagging and he was driving the same as he always did. When we got to the US this nervousness became a very real fear. My husband was driving on the other side of the road to what he was used to and still had to be speeding or lane weaving. It got to the point that I became so terrified that I stopped driving myself and almost every car journey with SO ended in arguments or tears, or me begging him to slow down. Sometimes even my son would cry 'daddy your scaring mummy'. I thought he'd become reckless and aggressive with his driving (he had a lot of near misses and eventually wrote our car off but this was deemed not his fault) but I was constantly told the problem was me. And we lived in the big city where everyone sped and drove badly. Somehow I'd even forgotten an incident with my SO driving my sister and BIL on a visit. My sister was scared of my SOs driving and they had a near miss which culminated in my brother in law having words with SO, telling him he was driving recklessly. But somehow I'd still accepted the fact that the problem was me. Truth is, my husband's aggression had started to get bad when his webcam use got heavy. And I'm certain this aggressive behaviour spilled over into his driving, as this is when I started to become nervous. I'm fine in the car now, however, i did notice the other day that my husband and i were having words in the car, and his driving changed. He sped up and his demeanour changed. I became instantly nervous and asked him to slow down. I could see him practising his deep breaths, and he did slow down and drove 'calmly' again. Its upsetting to realise that for years i kept telling people I was a nervous passenger, and thought this problem was all me, when in fact I'm sure the problem was 80% my husband's driving. When I spoke with him about this he can't even recall the incident with my sister. There seems to be so many 'incidents' like this that he has blocked from his memory. I'm starting to realise that most of what he has blocked would question his version of reality. Like, if he was driving recklessly, he'd no longer be able to tell me he was driving fine in the car and blame me. So he blocked this memory out in order to keep up his pretence. Obviously I could be way off mark, but it would be a little coincidental if i am.
     
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  19. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Another thing I am seriously struggling to get a grip on, is the sheer calculated planning that went into arranging his RL muscle worship sessions. I know of 11 sessions with 6 different women. But the two emails that led me to him telling me about them contradict what my husband says about his sessions. One email chain started in Dec 2015, trying to arrange a session in Brussels on an upcoming business trip in February. The other email was 26 December, trying to organise not one but 2 sessions in London for the same business trip. Now this hurts so much for a number of reasons. One of them being he has told me that he'd feel guilty after a session, then he'd end up booking another one. But if you are booking 3 sessions within a week for 2 months in advance, this doesn't ring true. Also if he booked them when he was feeling stressed.... Dec 26th, he wasn't stressed. I had spent the 2 days before cooking and making Xmas special for my husband/son and HIS work colleagues on Christmas day. I can even remember feeling a bit annoyed as on boxing day I got up and finished cleaning up everything, whilst hubby had a lie in. Yet he was so 'stressed' on this day that he felt the need to book in for not one but TWO sessions with an FBB he hadn't met. He didnt even know if he would enjoy the first one with her before he was asking her for a second one!!?? And also the email was dated 26th Dec but his words in the email were 'we chatted on webcam yesterday and i asked about sessions'. Which meant on Xmas day, the most special time of year for me, somewhere between opening presents, me frantically cleaning the house, and me cooking a massive dinner for our family and 3 of his colleagues who I hadn't met, then cleaning up everything on my own, he found the time to pay to watch another women on webcam, and probably masturbate, and ask her about meeting up. All while maybe a few feet away from me. It's thoughts like this that completely devastate me. That make me feel so utterly worthless about myself. My husband would rather pay to masturbate than come to bed and make love with his wife. That he spent over 50K masturbating to other women while his wife begged him to want her or get help or come to marriage counselling. That makes me feel so hopeless and ugly and unwanted. It literally breaks my heart and everytime I try to mend it another thought like that shatters it in to a million pieces.
     
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  20. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry. That feeling is terrible, I know it well. Different circumstances, but same feeling. I just wanted to let you know you weren't alone.
     
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