Renaissance - Journal of an SO

Maybe. But I think this may be in area where we need to take it in turns. Last night I was a mess and my husband needed to be stronger than me to help me through it. Sometimes it will be reversed.
I am glad that my ramblings have helped you get back on track. It's nice to know that in my pain I may have helped another person. I wish you the best in your journey

 

So the last few days have been really emotional for me. I've felt really on edge and teary. Hubs has been really supportive and attentive but I just can't shake this sadness that seems to have crept in. We are taking a break from sex for a few days due to 'scheduled maintenance' (I'm pretty sure I've just coined a new phrase which I shall be using to refrain from tmi on these forums). I'm hoping this overwhelming sadness is just a result of my hormones, I've always suffered terribly from pms anyway. We are trying to have more quality family time. Yesterday we spent all afternoon on the beach (don't forget it's nearly summer in the southern hemisphere) with my son and dog and today we taught our son how to fly a kite. Simple things like this help to lift the depression a little. I really hope this is just another phase that will eventually pass with time as I hate feeling so low.

 

I think I'm a cross between a dementor and moaning myrtle right now! I sent hubs for fish and chips last night and he came back armed with British chocolate too, he's well versed on stock supply for scheduled maintenance! Thanks ANH, I just had a giggle at myself
My biggest stress reliever is walking on the beach with my beloved dog. Closest beach is half a mile away and it's beautiful here. There are around 200 resident dolphins in and around our waters and I never tire of watching these surf or hunt for fish. I'm very lucky with every other aspect of our life and it is hard not to get weighted down under a heavy blanket of PMO. I'm sure after a duvet day or two it will feel better. I'm just wallowing.

 

Thank you for reading my story, I hope my ramblings didn't put you off Nofap.

 

SO = Significant other (ie partner/spouse etc)
ONS = One Night Stand
DE = Delayed Ejaculation
PIED = Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction
There is a page on this site which will give you all the abbreviations. I had to look everything up, I will try to attach a link to It.
I think if you take away anything from my journal it is that Porn can and does destroy lives. My husband is a very intelligent 44 year old man. He became depressed, angry, volatile. He risked destroying his marraige and family. He risked losing his 25 year career and his pension. He did things he now can't believe he though were okay. It made him feel suicidal. He cannot think about the things he did or what he put me through without crying. If that isn't enough to tell you that Porn has serious consequences and the addiction eventually impacts every part of your life including physical and mental health, I don't know what will. Well done for being here.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. My husband has put me through hell. But he is not a bad man. He is a good man that has done bad things.

 

♡ This!

 

I went to see my GP today for contraception. I literally haven't needed it in years so this is a BIG step forward for us. When I saw the nurse to put the implant in she asked what I'd been using previously. 'PIED. Oh, you haven't heard of it? It completely eliminated any chance of getting pregnant! I don't recommend this method though, its way more complicated than condoms' (don't worry, I didn't actually say this). The nurse then commented on how I'd lost 10kgs since my last health check, and asked how. 'Just imagine your husband in hotel with another women and vomit every meal for weeks, it's really lowered my bmi'! And no, I didn't say this either. But there are positive things happening in amongst all the chaos.
My husband and I are still talking. I mean really talking, which is great. I've realised something too. I was in danger of willingly letting him take 100% of the blame for our problems. It is not my fault he is a PA or he cheated on me, but as I said to him last night, I am 50% of this partnership. I don't want to play the 'maybe/what if' game, but I did say this to him. I allowed our marriage to become terrible. I allowed you to treat my badly. If I had followed through on my threats to leave, maybe it wouldn't have gotten so bad. Yes, he made an awful lot of mistakes, and there is no disputing the damage he has done to our relationship. BUT, it took two of us to get here, and it will take both of us to repair it. Yes, he has a lot of work to do to build trust and prove to me he wants to change. But I have work to do too. To heal myself and to love him. To forgive him. To build a better relationship. He can't shoulder all the blame or responsibility, we have to do it together.

 

It's 60 days today since my husband last PMOd. It's a year this month since his last infidelity. We are in a far better place than we were a year ago. It's way better now than 60 days ago. The past is really actually becoming the past. I hope it will continue to get better, to become less painful.
One Day at a time.

 

I am struggling to get my husband to understand how I can seem fine for a few days, and then something will trigger or upset me. 2 nights ago whilst doing FANOS I was pretty emotional. My husband rolled over afterwards and was doing fantasy football stuff on his phone. I was still pretty upset so I said to him (or his back) "I'm still feeling pretty upset and emotional". I guess I expected him to roll back over, give me a hug or ask if he could do something. But no. He grunted 'are you?' And continued on his phone. So I continued to lay there for about 5 minutes, but as well as feeling upset I'm now getting angry. So eventually I say "so I tell you I'm upset, and instead of asking me why, you just ignore me and continue on your phone". So he sighs, finishes up what hes doing (probably took about a minute but it felt like another 5) and turns over. So yes, I'm upset AND annoyed now. I couldn't lie in my normal position due to bandage on arm. I'm uncomfortable. And my husband can't be bothered to give me the affection/attention I'm asking for. So it escalated into me crying and him not knowing what to do or say. I don't expect him to mind read but I do expect him to react if I tell him how I'm feeling. Which is why I told him I was upset instead of just letting my emotions escalate. I ended up just go back to fantasy footie as I was going to sleep. He only posts on here now and then, usually because I've asked him if he's keeping up with his journal. He doesn't seek out any reading material. His psychologist is now down to half and hour every month and he's only 60 days into changing years of habits/addiction. He came home pretty moody yesterday, snapped at me and my son a few times and flipped his lid when the cat broke a bowl. So i was already still upset from the previous day and now I'm faced with 'angry' hubs. The hubs I faced every day whilst PMOing. So naturally this upsets me. So when we go to bed I tell him I'm worried he is not doing enough for his/our recovery. And I get back 'i don't have the time to do more reading. This upsets me. I know he needs to do stuff for himself, but he has the time to play footie every lunch. To keep up with his fantasy footie teams. I get upset again. Then he said 'I'm worried you will always be throwing this stuff in my face and its not going to work if this is how its going to be every night". WTF? I got really upset. I told him that was unfair, that im working really hard on trying to get a handle on my emotions and not to question him or dredge 'stuff up'. But at the same time I'm dealing with more than I ever thought possible.
- My husband is addicted to Pornagraphy
- My husband spent $50K++ on porn
- My husband viewed/paid for thousands of webcams/subscriptions
- My husband cheated IRL 11 times
- I suffered years of angry outbursts/binge drinking, bad behaviour
- I tried to help my husband and he lied about recovery for months
- I had to have STD/Aids tests which were terrifying and gave me flashbacks of traumatic miscarriage
- when I learned of my husband's secret life, deceit etc it changed my reality of a huge part of my life.
- I'm grieving for the fact that we probably won't have more children.
-I have no friends or family as we live in a new town and can't talk to anyone.
- I'm also dealing with my own health issues and have had another biopsy in the last few weeks.
I talked to my psychologist today. I asked her if she thinks I'm handling everything badly by still sobbing my heart out every now and then. Or occasionally being angry. By still being upset by certain things about 6 weeks after finding out my husband cheated on me multiple times over an 18 month period. She likened it to my husband carrying a hand grenade, knowing it might go off, and when It did it turned my whole life upsidedown. Except I was not expecting the explosion. Hell, i knew we were fighting but didn't even know WHY there was a war. Of course I'm going to have good days and bad days. Its unfair of my husband to expect me to be able to 'get over it' so quickly.
I told him last night what it sometimes has felt for me. Imagine you write down on a separate scrap of paper every memory. Every good/bad thing. Everything you love about someone. Everything you thought you knew. And you had these organised into piles. What made you sad/happy/hurt/angry. What were facts. And then a tornado blows through your life and all these scraps of paper fly into the air. The piles are all messed up. All the facts about your life are blowing around and you have to catch them and determine which pile they now go into. (For example, if one piece of paper said 'my husband is faithful' i can no longer put that in the truth pile) I have to create new piles that never existed to accommodate new pieces of paper that came with the tornado. And just as I start to make more piles, organise everything, another gust of wind mixes it all up again. It might just be a breeze, not a tornado, but the paper is delicate and still blows around. So i told him he had a choice, he can either be the breeze, and cause chaos. Or he can help me collect and organise everything. And you can't get angry at the wind because it doesn't mean to cause chaos.
My hubs got upset too last night, and he said he would make more time to heal us. He will try not to bring his work issues home with him (he can of course talk about his day, but the anger has to go).
I know he is hurting too. But somedays it would be nice to see evidence of his love. Write me that letter I asked you to weeks ago. Bring me flowers. Get up 5 minutes earlier and make me a coffee. Actually notice when I have my hair done for the first time in months, and it's a completely different colour! I've been so many years without affection and love that I need it more than ever now. Not just 5 minutes of FANOS every night. I need validation. Reassurance. Affection. Love.

 

So hubs apologised for the things he said last night and his attitude to me. It feels so much better to have my feelings validated. I know it's hard for him too, he is dealing with everything he has done. He's dealing with real feelings for the first time in years. And it must feel awful when you know you are the reason your wife is heartbroken and sobbing. I see his pain mirrored in mine. If he feels as bad as I do, it can't be easy for him either. We are both hurting.