Renaissance - Journal of an SO

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Broken81, Oct 26, 2017.

  1. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    So I am back from holiday. It was a nice break but due to sharing a room with our son (we booked a suite in a resort with a 'supposed' kids club but unfortunately Vietnams idea of a 'suite' and a 'kids club' weren't the same as mine!) we didn't have the privacy we had hoped for.
    I'm feeling really confused about what I want going forward. I'm trying really hard to forgive and forget, but sometimes his infidelities and awful treatment of me dominate my thoughts. I'm getting scared that I won't be able to put everything behind me. I sometimes look at him and just feel such anger. Almost hate. I want to hit him as hard as I can, or scream into his face 'How dare you? How dare you treat me like that. How dare you risk our financial security. How dare you put your fetish first instead of looking after your wife and son'. Or I just want to cry. Ask him why he didn't love me or our son enough to stop what he was doing. How could he get into bed with me at night knowing he had broken our wedding vows in a hotel room just hours before? How could he let me make excuses again and again about not having another child, blame myself and my health problems, when the real reason was he preferred to pay to wank to a webcam, or real life person than have sex with his wife, for years.
    I look back over the last few months and see I was in real shock for weeks. The vomiting, the shaking, the panic attacks. I was a mess. I have read through my journal a few times, to get a timeline on events as some of it is confused in my mind. I see someone I don't recognise. I see a women who was waiting for HIV/Aids results yet still had sex with him. Why would anyone in their right mind do that? I wasn't in my right mind, I was traumatised. I feel pathetic and angry at myself for being so needy. For wanting the man that did that to me. I guess as well as the shock, I was trying to prove to myself that I could be wanted, in the bedroom and in life. His orgasms were my victory, my proof that I wasn't ugly. My proof that someone could want to have sex with me. I guess that my husband, the man that made me feel so bad, was the only person available to give me the love, the closeness, the support I needed.
    I'm not in shock now. The panic attacks have subsided. The vomiting stopped. My hands are now steady. My husbands PIED has disappeared. I have nothing left to prove to myself. So now I need to have sex with my husband for me. For enjoyment. For intimacy. And I feel myself pushing him away. I want to be close with him, but I am so angry and hurt that I don't want to at the same time. Sometimes I feel like its stupid pride and stubbornness stopping me. The few times we have been intimate in the last few weeks I've had to force myself to 'get into it'. Once I am, I enjoy it. But getting past the disgust at his infidelities and anger at him seems to be much harder now the shock has worn off, and that neediness has gone.
    I love my husband. I want to remain married. I just don't know how to stop the hurt that rips though my heart when I think about what he has done. How he made me feel so utterly terrible for years. And anger at myself for staying with someone who made me feel so bad. How did I let things get so bad? How could I not see what was going on within feet of me? How could I have been so stupid and naive? I don't like feeling so much anger and resentment. At him. At myself. But I don't know how to stop it. I can't just turn it off. Is it just a phase that I need to let pass, or is it a cancer, spreading though me and taking over? I don't know and this scares me.
     
  2. Thank you for taking the time to write out your thoughts and feelings in such great detail. I don't have any answers or solutions or anything too helpful....I think many SO's are in a similar position: stuck between hating and loving the PA.

    I wish you the best through this crazy, painful journey.
     
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  3. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    I'm very glad you are okay in this aspect now.
    I completely understand why you are feeling the way you are, mentally.
    That fear that if you let down your wall now that things are "fixed", you'll get hurt again. Or worse.
    My SO is almost at 90 days P-free. I feel like I am supposed to jump and cheer and be proud of him and never speak of PMO again.
    I am proud, but I'm also terrified. Terrified that it will get bad again if I let my guard down.
    Which is what he wants me to be able to do. He gets frustrated when I question his sobriety. Which only makes me question it even more when he gets defensive.
    I just can't bring myself to that place, where it's not a worry.
    I also still want to scream at him, make him feel all the pain I felt and more.
    Because you're right. How dare they?
    So I'm right there with you. :emoji_broken_heart:
     
  4. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    This. So much this.
     
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  5. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I have a headache from crying. Last night I could not stop thinking about certain things. Mostly how he can cheat on me for 18 months and not feel one ounce of guilt. Not one shred of regret. How he could break our marriage vows in hotel rooms with women and not give me ONE SINGLE THOUGHT. Not consider it cheating. He was so unbelievably selfish for so long. He thought more about his dick than he did his family. This will always hurt. It will always cut deep that he never cared enough about me to even think of me. He had decided he was giving up his muscle worship sessions when we left the US. But only because of the money he was spending. I know this fact but hearing him say it out loud is like a knife in my fragile heart. I lie in bed next to a man that did this to me. And I hate that man. The addict. I hate him with every fibre of my being. I hate how he has made me feel so desperately unhappy. So lonely. So ugly. So unloved. I know I need to separate The Addict from the man lying next to me. But sometimes I can't do it. It scares the living daylights out of me that he is only one wank away from being that man again. Sometimes I just need to cry. For everything that has been and everything that might have been. And everything that now is. I lost hubs to The Addict for years and I'm grieving this loss and always will. I just need to learn how to stop the tears.
     
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  6. Hugs! We all get lost in the days where it’s all we can think about and it ruins things. Memories and moments and just..things...

    Keep your head up!
     
    Broken81 likes this.
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm sending many hugs across the ocean. Like @Broken3 said, sometimes no matter how many good days we have, those bad days come out of nowhere and wreak havoc. Know you are not alone.
     
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  8. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Broken3 And @EyesWideOpen I seem to be over the worst of it again. Still not firing on all cylinders though.
    I did something today that I've actively stopped myself from doing for months. I reread the emails I found that revealed his infidelities. I'm not sure why. I think maybe because hubs is under immense pressure at work and has deadlines looming with his study. Our intimacy has dropped off a fair bit and I'm starting to resent this. I initiated about a 10 days ago and again a few nights ago, but he has barely hugged/kissed touched me. He hasn't initiated any sexual intimacy or indeed barely any intimacy full stop. I'm starting to resent being the one who always tries to connect us be it through sex or massage or hugs. I'm the one putting all the effort in. I can't really delve into these feelings with him as I know he is already stressed and feeling down, and I guess it scares me that these are his triggers for PMO so I can't add to it. Or maybe I'm starting to get scared that he is PMOing and that's why he's not initiating and why he is stressed and down. He has ALWAYS suffered from DE until giving up the porn. He could rarely O from piv, only his own hand. This has stopped being an issue since giving up PM. Last time we had sex he literally lasted a minute during PIV. He said he was enjoying foreplay so much he nearly didnt last until the PIV. Now does this prove that he is still PMO free or could this be a sign of something else? I'm so confused about everything right now.
    I know I need to be understanding about his work and his study, but sometimes it feels like I always come second to something else. Whether it be porn or alcohol or friends or study, I guess I'd just like to feel like a priority. My heads such a freakin mess!
     
  9. @Broken81 I completely understand ALL of this! I could have wrote it myself. Actual I'm sure if I look back I have! I tend to fall into the habit of allowing myself to be second to EVERYTHING else. I too would make the rationalizations to myself that it wasn't the right time to talk about things bc he was studying or had training or school or a test or something I deemed as "more important". Then I finally let it out. I said it all to him. I said there is NEVER a good time to talk about this because there shouldn't even be a THIS! But there is and its because of THEM! They put THIS in our lives and our marriages. I told him I'm tired of allowing him to put everything else before me and that it was time he make me and our marriage a priority. That I'm tired of PRETENDING to be happy when I'm not. I refuse to settle again. I refuse to be second.

    You deserve to be a priority! And you have a right to demand that you are!
     
  10. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Its been a really long time since I've made a diary entry. My husband is still PMO free. Not one relapse in the 8 months since D-Day. His recovery is not in question. Unfortunately mine is.
    Its been such a tumultuous 8 months. its been one extreme stress after another. Just when I seemingly got myself grounded I took another hit. It doesn't really feel like I've had a chance to process one thing before another revelation or discovery hit me. Porn addiction. I never got a chance to really process this before my husband had his breakdown. Betrayal. Suicidal SO. Thousands of dollars spent. Infidelity. HIV/AIDS testing. Betrayal Trauma. Just as I started to process or understand or research one thing another 'thing' would hit me from left field. Trying to hold everything together after my husbands breakdown and looking after our son, trying to shield him from what was going on, whilst dealing finding out so much about a man I thought I knew. 8 months ago I was just finding my feet after an international move. I never really got to find my feet after they were swept out from under me!
    I've had 8 months of feeling terrible. Severe depression and Anxiety attacks directly after DDAY (something I had never experienced before). I literally vomited every time I thought about his escort use for a month. Sometimes I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. for the last few months it has been a struggle to even get out of bed. I feel so tired all the time yet when I lie in bed I can't stop reenacting arguments, or playing out scenarios of what could have happened. I have nightmares about my son and I catching him in the act with an escort. I've just been diagnosed with my 3rd autoimmune disease which has also knocked me for 6. It means changing a lot in my life and having regular screening for certain cancers which have been stressful. If anyone knows anything about autoimmune diseases, they can often lay dormant in your body until something triggers them (ie an illness or accident or extreme stress). Its quite possible that the last 8 months have played a big part in that autoimmune disease being triggered. But like much of what has gone on I will never know. This is probably one of the hardest things to accept. The unknown. The reasons why my husband chose to do what he did. Its one of the things I find so hard to overcome. Accepting the unknown. When my husband can't give me the answers I desire (because he simply does not know) or when science can't tell me why I just acquired another autoimmune disease I find it very hard to make my peace with it. I'm still trying.
    It's the same unknown with my marriage. Just when I think I have accepted what has gone in before, something will 'trigger' me. And suddenly the pain I feel is the same as the first time I found the hard drive. Or the first time I read an email of him arranging a 'session'. And with it all the emotions are so raw again too. The anger, the hurt, the pain, sometimes even hate. Its like I'm waging a war with my own emotions, trying to hold on to the love and compassion I have for my husband when my heart can't stop feeling all those raw negative emotions.
    A recent blood test showed my iron levels were incredibly low. I had an iron infusion (iron drip) last week and B12 injections. I'm hoping this along with the treatment for my recent autoimmune will give me back some energy. And this in turn will help me manage the day to day stuff. Lift me out of this fog of depression. I promised my husband way back that I would give him a year to change his ways. To give up pornography and give all that time and energy to my son and I. He has tried very hard to do this. He's not perfect and he has made a lot of mistakes along the way, but he is trying and he is making an effort. It is me that is questioning the future. Whether I can truly forgive him for what has gone on before. Or at the very least make my peace with it. Sometimes I think its not fair on him to be constantly walking on egg shells. If he is repentant for his actions, is it fair that I can't seem to leg go? I'm not sure how long to give myself or us either. If you compare how I am now, to how I was, say, 6 months ago, its only milder better if at all. However when I think about all the health issues I've had on top of all this PA crap, have I really had a chance to properly heal myself? It's a question for 4 months in the future me I think!
     
  11. Tired Of Being Lied To

    Tired Of Being Lied To Fapstronaut

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    Hello Broken, I'm so sorry for what you're going through and am wondering if I'm about to go through the same.

    I have a strong suspicion that my husband is doing the same things- but have no idea how to find out. How did you find his secret emails? I know 3 or 4 of my husband's but he uses incognito for his porn use and certainly won't tell me he has secret email addresses.

    I'm shaking as I type this. It's the worst feeling I've ever had and my heart goes out to you :(
     
  12. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry I didn't reply, I haven;t been on here. I hope you got some answers.
     
  13. Tired Of Being Lied To

    Tired Of Being Lied To Fapstronaut

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    Hi Broken, please don't be sorry at all! :) No answers yet lol, I'm still going through it. The guilty mood swings, the horrible feeling of knowing he'll be looking up the pretty girl in the film we're watching in case she's got any naked photos, the shaking, the pit of the stomach turning, the loneliness etc.

    I wonder if I'll (and everyone else going through this) ever be free. I feel like there's never going to be a man who's honest with me. Ever.

    Thanks for your reply!
     

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