Rejected by wife

I have been with two PAs, over almost 20 years and if we all ended up depressed, I wouldn't be this this "chipper."
I'm very happy.
I have my bad days.
Like today.
I get frustrated, of course... But I'm not sad.
I took the last news of my last PA discovery, hard, I love him very much.
I'm even in therapy . twice over.
And both say I'm not depressed.
Or ever was. We all should grieve, sure.. But that doesn't make us depressed, clinicly so.
@noexcuses so no, I don't think we all end up the same... And yes, I know you weren't directing the comment to me.

 

What else am I good for but adding nonsense to the conversation with my whimsical cheer??


Albuquerque.

(haha)

 

Have you tried that?

 

Nope but may I suggest that you head over to the SOs forum and see for yourself that my response highlights what most if not all SOs struggle with in being with a pmo addict.

 

I think when SO's here use the word "cheating" to describe porn use, it's a misuse of the word. Word's only have value if they have an accepted meaning that everyone agrees on. Cheating means physical adultery, in my experience that is the generally accepted use of this term. When someone on the Maury Povich show yells out "he cheated on me" we all know what that person means.

Use a word like - lying, or betraying. This isn't to take away from how wrong porn use in a marriage is, particularly in your case where you expressed beforehand what your stance on porn was. Lying to or betraying your spouse's trust is no small matter.

It's just that the word "cheating" becomes absolutely useless when people use it in such different ways.

 

@noexcuses and @Icarium

First off to noexcuses, yes I believe my partner cheated on me. It is not the same offense as physical cheating. It's still a huge betrayal. Even though he cheated on me (because he knew prior to relationship I don't tolerate that in a relationship and I view it as cheating) he completely turned his life around. I don't just view it as cheating though, and do understand it from the addiction perspective, which takes some of the pain away. And, of course, I am marrying him! Can you tell me what addict wouldn't want a partner well versed in psychology, who doesn't give up on their partner, and encourages them to get help and still loves them after all the pain they've been through? Please, if there is an addict who doesn't want that in a partner, say "I".

To Icarium, I know everyone has their own beliefs on cheating. I have posted countless times how I and my fiance view cheating. Cheating is anything your partner dissaproves of or has made clear they are not okay or comfortable with, and then the other person continues that behavior secretely. I.e. Anything someone has to keep secret from their partner knowing it is a betrayal or heartbreaking. One can be cheated on physically, mentally, emotionally, financially etc.

Hope this clarifies!

 

And that's totally valid - because when your fiance and you use the word "cheating" you understand what the other person means. I am talking more about public usage of the word, in society at large that word has a more specific meaning.
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This will be an unpopular statement, but I suspect the reason some SO's might want to use the word "cheating" to describe porn usage is that it makes for a more dramatic statement. Cheating is nearly universally seen as a reason to leave your partner, whereas if everyone who lied broke up there would be no relationships that last more than a few days.

By using a dramatic word like "cheating", a PA's SO can isolate the blame in the relationship on the other person. This is something all of us want to do in all our relationships, but especially romantic ones. Everything is always someone else's fault. Here, PA's do it to justify using porn, and SO's use it to justify shifting the blame entirely to the other person.

It's tough to talk about ideal relationships in our society because they are generally seen as disposable. In an ideal marriage - leaving isn't an option. both parties exert unconditional love. The unconditional love of the PA causes him to quit, the unconditional love of the SO causes her to be supportive.

Listen - I'm not trying to lessen or cheapen the genuine pain that is caused by PA's in relationships. I think everyone here can agree that men should not look at porn in a relationship if his partner doesn't want him to, and that betraying this can have devastating effects. But I also think that, in general, all people are flawed and have a tendency to minimize their own shortcomings and magnify those of the people around them.

 

If we are getting technical about wording... Cheating usually implies both parties were flawed and one took a bad way of coping instead of communicating. The word addiction indicates that all the blame is on the addict. Cheating implies both parties are at fault, whereas the word addiction means the addict is all to blame.

I, being a recovering addict of self-harm, take full responsibility for my actions. I am solely responsible for who I harmed during my addiction. I take the blame for whatever happened because it was my actions that caused it.

So with porn addiction, the addict (should) take all responsibility for the fall out due to their actions.

With the word "cheating" in it's "traditional" meaning, most would say, well what led you to cheat? Usually, it's not being able to talk to the person about something that's bothering them. So they go cheat to fulfill something.

I use cheating because I shouldn't have to share my relationship with other women. Anyone entering the relationship without permission of both parties is cheating. It doesn't matter whether the person is on a screen or there in person. There are gradations of severity. I personally view it as physical and emotional tie for top most painful ways to cheat (possibly emotional even more so than physical), then strippers/hookers/escorts/prostitutes, then caming, then porn. But it's all cheating because you are putting a third party into something that is meant for two. Hope that clarifies what I mean when I say cheating.

I use the word because I said to my fiance prior to the relationship it wasn't going to be in any relationship that I have and it's cheating to me. I said you can have me or porn prior to being with him. I am not using the word to make it more dramatic, because to me it's cheating. If I wanted to make it dramatic I would say it's the equivalent to having a long term physical and emotional affair, but I am not. I am saying that it is cheating on a lower level. I don't know or think other partners of PA's would use it like that.

 

@AnonymousAnnaXOXO Listen - even though I quoted you on that last post most of it was written to the general forum and not you specifically. It sounds to me like you were absolutely clear with your partner what you expected in the relationship and he betrayed you. It sounds like you've expressed to him what it is that you consider cheating - so the word has a certain meaning with you two and it therefore communicates something meaningful. I truly feel for you and your situation and sympathize (as much as someone like me can).

When I hear the word cheating I think it means one party in a relationship was involved in a deceitful physical relationship with a third party. It is entirely the fault of the one party because that person did the action. If such a thing existed as a perfect woman, she could be cheated on.

I don't agree with this. You take responsibility for your actions, but you can't always take responsibility for the way other people react to them. I think the OP here is an example, should his description of the situation be accurate, there's more going on with this woman than he can take responsibility for. Looking at porn or being a porn addict isn't a blank check for your partner to abuse you.

 

Thank you. This is the point I was trying to get at.

 

Me too, still SO and Anna's talking about sleeping with other men as payback instead of watching porn themself.


Kattskägg

 

Despite the lack of diagnosis of depression your relationship with the addict caused you to still need to seek counseling no? My point is that if one partner enters a relationship with some sort of active addiction it is going to cause issues for the other partner. An addict in his or her addiction is incapable of having a healthy relationship until they stop or get help. If a SO had a pre existing condition such as depression then its aggravated. But many develop them as a result. Saying that everyone has baggage and issues is just another way of dismissing the effects of addiction. Addicts need to see this in order to fully recover imo. Why? Because they need to not do it again. I read coming though in many addicts posts that the SO was the problem and what they did was not all that bad. Meaning if only the addict had a different partner then this would be no big deal. Similar to men who say their partners are crazy but fail to see that their actions would drive anyone crazy! I suspect many addicts will never get to this point as seeing as seeing the true level of pain they have caused is just too painful. It's easier to live in denial or to push the blame off on their partner.

 

I've read through pretty much this entire thread. I commend you for how well you are going despite the other difficulties in your life.
Being purely honest, if I was in your position, I would say goodbye to the wife. It seems like she is constantly bringing you down and making you feel like shit. She is taking her own anger and frustration out on you - it's not even about the porn anymore. It's about her trying to drag you down to where she is. But you are better than that. You've shown me you are better than that with your 88 day streak and your commitment to change.

I know things aren't that easy with kids involved. But I think your own personal mental health is more important than keeping up a fake marriage with a woman who probably hates you and herself.

I don't want to say anything out of line or attack your wife too much.. But there is no way in hell I would put up with her abuse. You are far better than that.

Anyway, I find your posts very inspiring. You are continuing to fight even when there have been moments where you must have thought "what is the point?" That takes real strength. I'll be following this thread closely and I really hope you can work things out on the marital front. It seems like you have the PMO very much in control for now. Just keep it up! No moments of weakness!

 

Recovery is very difficult and please don't think that I as a SO do not see how my partner is hurting or you. I do and I fully appreciate it. But as a SO we don't have any choice in the matter other than to leave you. By that I mean we have to rely on you to make the right choices and not lie to us when yoyr history shows you incapable of that. Lack of control causes us to feel and act crazy. Also after years of trying to support you and believing you sometimes we just snap. Right now you are in a very fragile state. Pmo was your go to coping mechanism and now it's gone and you need to replace it. Many emotions you have suppressed for years are now rising to the surface and you seek and need the support of your partner but she is unable to give you that. Every SO has their own breaking point and it may be there she's reached hers. As a child of parents who fought all the time I was happy when my parents got divorced and so was my younger brother. Having an intact family that fights all the time is far worse than having a non intact one. Kids model the relationships they saw growing up so often it's better to move on. Sometimes the level of pain and betrayal are such that the SO can't get past it. I think you should maybe consider a trial separation . Tell your wife you love her and you are sorry again and are willing to do anything to fix this but the current situation is not healthy for your kids. It's up to you if you want to not see each other at all for awhile or what the case may be. Continue counseling and see how things go. I think it will give both of you perspective on how you want to be moving forward.

 

No matter what happens with your marriage, I think you should feel like you have proven to yourself that P does not have to be a part of your life. You have been going through an insanely stressful time and have not turned to P for comfort.

After your current situation has been resolved most future times of stress will likely pale in comparison.

Continue to use the techniques (such as exersise) that you are currently using, continue to work on yourself and you have a very good chance of remaining P free.

Well done and good luck!

 

@GG2002
Anytime you experience trauma, you should seek help.. For your own mental health.
Grieve. It's ok
Doesn't mean anything would/will become of it.
Doesn't mean I didn't ask.
Or have my fears.
I also have disabled kids and when one of them had a incredibly unfortunate event, I thought the worst. Especially during divorce from my last relationship.
Still, you can't let your emotions run your life.
I think this is why alot of women don't Just Leave a bad situation tho
They feel they invest too much and want to stay
They get too emotional when they should detach.
It's unhealthy.
They make it unhealthy.
They end up creating their own addictions in staying.
There are lots of reasons to seek therapy, not just depression.
Not to be pointed... But this community should be well versed in that.