1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Rejected by wife

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by ParvusSapentia, Jun 10, 2017.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Glad to hear that you are doing well
     
  2. Hey @ParvusSapentia.
    I just wanted to check in and see if you're doing well. How's your HM going and your life in general? Still running and being healthy? IF you don't mind me saying, your reboot has inspired me to better in my No PMO challenge.

    All the best,
    KOW
     
    Gmork likes this.
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    I am glad to hear you have been so successful in your own recovery. I am so sorry to hear your marriage has come to an end. The only thing I can say is that sometimes the trust is just too broken to be repaired. If an SO knows she will never be able to trust you again no matter how hard you work or try, then continuing in The relationship is not beneficial to either of you. The SO has to at least be open to forgiving and rebuilding and sometimes imo the SO is initially but as time goes on they realize they can’t. Realizing that and admitting it is harder than staying and fighting a battle that will never be won and just frustrate both. I wish you the best in this very difficult time. Thank you for sharing your story.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  4. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Wow...that statement just got real.
     
  5. Cowboy1

    Cowboy1 Fapstronaut

    39
    50
    18
    strive to be the best man you can be in all situations. Don't look your wife to heal you I'm in the same struggle. She's in a full body cast in the hospital so just be patient and her heart will heal. Be thankful she's there love your children and be thankful for the day you have today. I hope that helps. I will be praying for you and your family.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  6. MovingFoward86

    MovingFoward86 Fapstronaut

    98
    139
    63
    @ParvusSapentia

    I know how you feel. I am in a very similar situation with my SO. At this point in time we are trying to stay together. But of course she is having a very hard time with it. We are still intimate at times but on most days she cries and feels very betrayed. I know that it is all because of my actions and wish there was a way to make it better immediately. Unfortunately there is no easy fix for this and nothing is guaranteed. I will not give up on my SO and everyday I will show her I am trust worthy until one day she learns to trust again or decides she can't do it any more.
     
  7. Cowboy1

    Cowboy1 Fapstronaut

    39
    50
    18
    Well, I'm at a year and it sucks. TryING to hold on to hope. She says it's not the porn now. It's my angry hope I don't have to chase my tail like fido. I will though even if it take's 20years . She is so worth it. Know I'm working on that. I don't have much time in on M and slipped up with P a couple time's last year. No intamicy for a year is getting to me. She is still here there's that. We have 8+children hard to say. Do have a new and amazing love for my SO than I have ever known. I'll be praying. Thanks for all your post everyone.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2018
    Trappist likes this.
  8. Cowboy1

    Cowboy1 Fapstronaut

    39
    50
    18
    Well, I believe it is a form of cheating. My thought was at least i will not bring any std's if i did have physical contact with someone. In which my SO just did 2 years ago and std was the case. Now the trust is broken have a hard time now. I've changed in many ways. A years ago we got pregnant thought may be not mine this sucked bad. Yes it's mine and no intimacy since. Says she does no like me. She had a problem with porn and drinking before, I stop 3 years ago. Maybe i'm fooling myself IDK. Trying to stay hopeful.
     
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    I think the cheating versus not cheating debate has been debated to death on NoFap. But the ultimate answer is not what we think, but it is what the partner thinks. So if the partner does consider it cheating, then it is. People can debate about whether morally most people think that way, but it does not matter what most people say. If PMO evokes the same feelings and responses in the SO as cheating, then it really makes no difference what you call it. As someone who was in a relationship with a PMO addict, it absolutely feels like cheating. It also makes the woman feel unloved, unattractive, unappreciated, and sexually frustrated all things that commonly lead people to cheat. I mean as a partner if you are not respecting, interacting and loving your partner, you leave the door open for someone else to. Honestly it almost hurts more that your man is choosing porn over you, than an actual woman.
     
  10. Cowboy1

    Cowboy1 Fapstronaut

    39
    50
    18
    Well, my wife did just that someone Facebooked her they talked she met up with him. She says it was the porn be it was because I gave up all addiction PM, drinking, and selfishness. She didn't know how to deal with my attention she ran. Abandoning us which sucks. Shes back know for she found out he was a liar . I found out so much about this guy. Married 10+ and has cheated his whole marriage. 20 + women he prays upon them.Know I have std never been tested before could of been from before not sure. Anyway finally in marriage counseling. Today was tough had to hear this guy was the only one who understood her bummer what really. 8+ children killing myself to provide working 60+ hours and dates weekends away. This counselor is get it is actually more of the shit we brought in to this. Staying hopeful. Is it weird that i still love this woman. I still think about are wedding day 17+ years ago how she made my heart skip a beat. I promise to be the best man always give a 100%. Starting to feel like she is starting to move and that she is give a little. She has said she will not leave and that this is broken we need help. She is someone I want to grow old with still. I believe this pain will bring healing it definitely has changed me never to take marriage for granted. You have to work on it always give 100% she will fall in love with you don't give up ever. You have to have boundaries though, no abuse ,no cheating, no lying, no disrespect of your vows.
     
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    I don’t think it was that she did not know how to deal with your attention I think she had just had enough. She likely did not trust that you actually were clean or were going to stay clean. Pmo addicts need to realize that one Day enough is just going to be enough and not take that for granted. She was neglected for years, and it does not matter if the guy is a huge loser in your eyes he gave her what you refused to. I am not at all surprised that you still love her nor that she still loved you. Both of you hurt each other and now hopefully you can both heal,
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Cowboy1 like this.
  12. I agree with this. VERY important that you see yourself as worthy of respect

    Any yes, you cannot control how she is, all you can control is your behavior. And your being on this site, doing what you are doing to not be enmeshed in porn addiction is worthy of respect.

    That being said, I lied to my wife so many times about stopping porn that she just stopped believing me. THAT is the consequence of lying that I have to live with. She has said, and justifiably so, that it will take time to believe me again. At least She doesn't treat me the way you described. I truly don't know if I could take it without leaving. Ugh. Hand it there, with your program. No matter what, living is better than the death of porn addiction.
     
  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    I would caution any person trying to rebuild trust with demanding “respect,” it comes across as the addict not being apologetic for what he or she has done. Most of the men that get their partners forgiveness literally fall on their sword. Remember respect is a two way street. A pmo addict who has lied for years has not shown his partner respect. So he certainly can’t snap his fingers and expect her to respect him . He will need to earn that.
     
  14. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

    1,031
    1,795
    143
    If I understand the timeline of events correctly @Cowboy1 has been free from PMO for 3 years. The affair took place 2 years ago. This would imply that he was a year free from PMO when his wife actively pursued an affair and abandoned her family. Seems pretty extreme to me. I think she also has a lot of work to do in gaining back his trust.

    However, he did watch porn so he needs to be punished for the rest of his life. It would still be justified if his wife decided to have another affair at some point in the future because she can never be sure he won't go back to PMO no matter how long he is free from it (sarcasm).
     
    Cowboy1 likes this.
  15. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Sure but how many times did he tell her he had stopped PMO and did not? How many times do he relapse? Can you see how maybe she just thought it was much of the same? How many years did he lie to her, ignore her, push her away before she had an affair? He was having an affair for years. Neither party is in the right here. His wife having the affair is not justified, but it’s understandable and I do think he understands it. Would it be okay if he went back to PMO? Nope, so of course it would not be okay it she cheated again either. None of this is about justifying anyone’s behavior it’s about understanding it. You can’t forgive until you can understand and open your heart to how your partner felt and why they did what they did. This is just as much true for her as it is for him. I think maybe you are trying to bean count and say OMG what she did is so much more horrible so she needs to be more sorry, but that of course goes back to not understanding that a PMO addiction feels the same as an affair to most SOs. Maybe in your mind an affair is worse and you have every right to think that. But you also need to understand that to many SOa a PMO addiction and the lying is the same as an affair or worse. Just because you may nor think it is does not mean someone who does can’t feel that way.
     
    Jennica, Numb, Cowboy1 and 1 other person like this.
  16. So true, so true. I certainly have lied over and over again, to her and me about porn use. Then I expected her to be totally warm and fuzzy the minute I said "I am not doing that anymore!" Ugh.
     
  17. Cowboy1

    Cowboy1 Fapstronaut

    39
    50
    18
    She has said is was never PMO. I see it was just a part of it. The onion analogy their are many layers. It was my drinking and anger. Well, haven't drank in three years. It is my selfishness and as someone has said not giving 100%. Broken people hurt each other. + Their is a lot more to then just that. Were to imperfect people. Good thing where both smart enough to get help and she as I aren't giving up on this. I thank you for your comments. She is a great wife and I have no doubt that we'll get through this we are survivors. I am not sure if my whole life story would put it in to prospective. I know most of you mean well.
     
  18. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Sure no problem. I think my point is that now is not the time to assess blame. You both mad mistakes, and you both have to be willing to forgive and do better in order to move forward, and it seems like you are doing that. It is a hard road no doubt, but if you work hard you will get there.
     
    Jennica and Cowboy1 like this.
  19. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    157
    393
    63
    Exactly.
    All that really matters is how the SO views it and the emotions they go through due to it.
    There really is no way to debate it as each couple is different and has gone through different experiences.
     
    Jennica, MovingFoward86 and GG2002 like this.

Share This Page