Recovery for SO

My SO just started going to S-ANON. She wants to let your SO know, they are definitely NOT going to judge her. They have seen it all and been through everything themselves. There are many SO’s there who have done so many things that they regret. And they have seen it all. Any feeling she’s had an any responses to your behavior, they are going to be familiar with and sympathize, because they have gone through it themselves.
She definitely needs to reach out. Things will get worse if she doesn’t. And the same way we, as addicts, need to build a support group to recover, the SO’s need the same kind of structure. She should at least make an account here. My SO doesn’t even post. She just reads. And it helps. She will be welcome. She will be accepted. She will be loved.

 

This is a great place to start for her. A ton of support and we don't judge, we are all going through some version of the same. I spent the last 15 years suffering alone, afraid to come out and talk. Afraid of being judged. I am so glad I joined this site, I am seeing I am not alone in how I feel and finally moving forward instead of feeling stuck in place.

 

SAnon people are very understanding and I felt very accepted and not judged at all.

 

I think the PA has to know their SO and their situation. There are a number of us on here alone that have had private full disclosures that were nothing like you described. I would gather it is that way outside of nofap also. It's an individual thing.

 

Hi @BB7378,

I went through a formal disclosure process about 7 years ago in my first marriage. My situation was a little bit different because my spouse did not catch me or know about the addiction before disclosure. But it was a formal process and I will describe it here. I will also describe the process I know many others I know went through.

I started therapy with a CSAT 8 years ago at the same time I started SAA. After a few months of therapy, my therapist suggested I prepare a formal disclosure. I wrote down _everything_. I then reviewed it with my therapist and made edits where she suggested. I then had to find a family friend, disclose my addiction, and ask her to be my wife's support for the disclosure as she did not have a therapist of her own. About a month after that, I gave my wife a formal disclosure at my therapist's office with the friend present to support my wife.

Others I know in recovery who have done formal disclosure typically set formal disclosure dates. These are agreed upon by the couple. There are a few ground rules in play. Both PA and SO have their own therapists. Because a formal date is set, it is incumbent on the PA to disclose _everything_ on that date. It is advised that the SO not question the PA directly about information relevant to disclosure until the date as that can create the same effect of trickling information. The PA works with a therapist to make sure the disclosure is honest and complete and addresses all the SO's questions, some of which may be prepared in advance. The SO works with a therapist to help define what he/she does and does not want to know. For example, knowledge of facts is important but certain types of details can be considered "pain shopping". However, ultimately, the SO gets full authority to decide what they want to know. Disclosure is done with both therapists present. The SO has an opportunity to ask any questions they want to. The PA is expected to answer them honestly. The presence of therapists help mediate.

There is a book or two by Jennifer Schneider about disclosure. I can't remember which one I read so I'm not sure which to recommend. I also read "Mending a Shattered Heart" by Stephanie Carnes. She is the daughter of Patrick Carnes I believe. These books are really meant for the SO but it helped me with empathy to read them. The latter book is actually a collection with sections written by Patrick Carnes and Jennifer Schneider among others. It addresses topics on boundaries, helping the SO figure out what they really want to know, what to tell the kids, etc.

I hope this helps.

Peace to you,
-Quinn

 

Why have you done multiple? Why haven't you been honest? I think it is completely fair for your SO to accept no secrets at all. I am an SO that will accept no secrets at all, as are most of the SOs you will encounter here.

As for support, definitely see if you can get her to come here, but be warned, we SOs will support her in the quest for no secrets and 100% transparency from you.

I, personally, am not involved in SA-ANON. They subscribe more to the co-dependent model, which is fine if one is co-dependent and want a 12 step program to overcome that, but that is often not the path that many SOs are looking for, instead they are looking for treatment for betrayal trauma. Some SOs will use both, SA-Anon or COSA in addition to Betrayal Trauma therapy. So there are a lot of options.

 

THANK YOU for posting this! I am walking through this -- I am preparing for my full disclosure, the first week or two in June. I just had a session with my CSAT therapist a few hours ago...our second preparatory session.

I really, really appreciated your comment about reading that Stephanie Carnes book--I think that is one of the two new books my wife and I bought a couple weeks ago....I am currently in the middle of Patrick Carnes' book Betrayal Bond...but I bet Mending a Shattered Heart will also greatly help me as I prepare my heart for full disclosure day.

..

Just a note of difference in our case: we use the same CSAT therapist...we go individually, as needed. I have gone a bit more overall -- also, I just completed a 10-week men's group that this CSAT therapist put together...it was VERY helpful for me.

 

Are you seeing a therapist? And/or in a 12 step group with a sponsor? How about an accountability partner to check in with everyday (a sponsor can take this role)?

 

Hand up over here. This was me when I started SAA. This is most people when they start SAA. There is a whole world of people just like you. I assume you are in a 12 step group because you are encouraging your wife to join one and if you weren't that would be, well ummmm, hypocritical. What step are you on?

I can tell you know what it was like to feel different, even than other people in the groups. I thought I was so much worse. I thought they could do it but I couldn't because they weren't as sick as me. All bs.

If you're still relapsing despite intensifying consequences, you're not doing enough for your recovery. I'm not going to give you the brush off "you haven't hit bottom yet". Hitting bottom is a decision point. But believe me, the bottoms will get harder and harder with every decision you pass up.

If you're not going to meetings, start going to meetings. Get a sponsor pronto. Take phone #'s of everyone in the group. Call them every day, multiple times per day. If you are going to meetings, go to more meetings. I used to go to 8 meetings per week. Seriously. I would drive 30 miles to go to a meeting. Why not, I would go that far to act out. Can't find a sponsor? Message me. Recovery is only a small part desire. It is mostly action. We act our way into right thinking. We do not think our way into right acting. You can have all the desire in the world to stop, it can be killing you, but if you don't take action, nothing will change.

If you're clean on porn but relapsing on lying, steps 4-9 will address that.

I'm usually casual about the rooms on this board and I say "do whatever works for you". I still say that in this case. But if you're being told to move out, you don't have time for inspiration to hit you to find "whatever works for you".

I want to stress that it made a _huge_ difference for my recovery, it is the foundation of it. If I had to put numbers on it, I'd say I am 80% 12 step, 15% therapy, 5% nofap. I came here 2 months ago to find the final missing piece. I didn't just find abstinence in the rooms, I found spirituality, fellowship, real friends, peace, purpose, and gratitude. I was reborn 8 years ago and I continue to grow up. Today, I am an honest man and I have my integrity. I am not perfect, progress not perfection. But wow, I wish I could fully put it into words. But I am no one special. I'm just a guy who worked his ass off. You deserve it just as much. Go get it.

Peace to you. Message me if you want to talk more. I am at your service for your recovery.
-Quinn

 

My SO found this blog and I just decided to start reading it. I would suggest letting your SO read this. It mirrors what I understand my SO is going through. And what most SO’s go through.

https://myrecoverypathblog.wordpress.com/2010/01/page/2/