Reboot Confession led to confession by SO. I feel hurt

I would never in a million years tell you your feelings are invalid. I was just trying to understand.

 

Oh @SuperFan I would never think that of you!!! My disclaimer was for any other people who would take issue with it <3

 

The hypocrisy in this thread is almost too much for me to handle. You are telling the OP that it´s completely normal to be addicted to porn, but if your SO cheats on you you tell them to "dump that cheating bitch".
The self esteem of some guys here is lower than atlantis.

The OP confessed his PA, she confessed she cheated. That´s pretty even in my opinion. They both made mistakes in the past. And can you blame her? She needs sex, too. And if you can´t give it to her, she´s going to get it somwhere else. Sure it hurts. But at least she was honest.

I always tell the SOs to stick with their PAs, and most guys here would do that, too. But if it´s the other way round, everyone is telling him to dump her. Because they can´t handle it. Their tiny self esteem won´t let them. At least now you know how some SOs are feeling.

And I think I know why you all don´t have self esteem. Because you have no idea how to please a woman in bed. If you did, you would know, that there is no erection necessary for it. And you obviously compare yourself to all the other guys, who do. You are scared. Scared that it will happen again. Scared you are not good enough, etc...

I wish for all of you to get cheated on! Just because you compensate your non existing self esteem with misogyny.
Go hate me for it. I´m waiting.

 

I read this thread to my SO @Tripper (he is out of town with no internet access and only a flip phone ) and his thoughts completely mirrored yours @Properitas . He said there is a lot of denial going on here.

 

I'm not talking about revenge, but if you feel it would help you and your self esteem (which she crushed by cheating you) you should definitely do it.

And to other people here: If he stays with her, let's say he stays off porn as well but get ED for whatever reason. Is it okay for her to fuck other men behind his back? And should he have a constant pressure on him for getting hard or else she might leave him?

Some men turns to porn when their wifes lose interest in sex and you would never support them. But when a man losing his erection, she should just seek pleasure from other men cause she has needs. I think it's hypocritical.


Kattskägg

 

Luckely there are translators! I'm sorry, just got so pissed over that last thing she said, will try to behave and don't let feelings control me.


Kattskägg

 

Sure, I agree with this. My issue is that she already had all the information she needed about the relationship. They were not having sex. She was not being sexually satisfied. If sexual satisfaction was a requirement for the relationship and that requirement was not being fulfilled then she should have ended the relationship. What was the point of cheating??

 

No, she wants sex. Sex is not a need. Water is a need. Food and shelter are needs. But no one ever died from abstaining from sex. One of the biggest lies I've believed in my addiction is that sex is a need. It isn't. The minute I set it up as one, I find I'm able to come up with almost any rationalization to meet my sexual 'needs' on my own terms ... and not surprisingly, that often ends with PMO, or casual sex, etc.

If you do this, then you're just an asshole who doesn't deserve a woman. I can't believe some of the shit I'm reading in this thread. @kattskagg, you're explicitly encouraging another guy to use a woman sexually "to help his self esteem." She made a mistake, so now she has no inherent worth or value? Fuck that.

No one is 'supporting her' or excusing the fact that she cheated. We're just saying that we understand how she could have been influenced to cheat. Again, that's not letting her off the hook.

 

Yes I do. I know the shame from not getting an erection. But have your girlfriend cheating on you because of that is really really hurting, I can only imagine.

If OP feel it could help him get up again then he should do it. Not as a revenge but just to save his own confidence.

And maybe I misread some posts, but no I can't understand her wanting to cheat instead of wanting to support his ed. If she truly liked or loved him.


Kattskägg

 

Wow! Ok so here's the thing.

1st I want to say I 100% do not support cheating whatsoever either w another person or through Porn (bc yes Porn IS cheating!)

Had the PA been upfront about WHY this was happening it could have made ALL the difference. She had NO idea why she was being left feeling undesirable and rejected. So many things would be running through her head and damaging her self esteem. Is he cheating? Is he hung up on someone else? Is he not attracted to me? Am I too ugly? Too fat? Is he already involved w someone else and cheating w me? Then a guy comes along making her feel wanted and desired and she made a poor choice.
Seriously we have no idea what she was thinking or feeling so to judge her would be wrong.

LOVE THIS!! 100% true!

Also @kattskagg it is not always the case that men run to porn bc their SO is not interested in sex. Most of the SO I see on here are very interested in sex w their PA but PA chose P over them. I am one of those that didn't understand why my Husband didn't desire me, turned me down or didn't have the same drive as me. It made me think a lot of things. Is he gay and not admitting it? Is he not attracted to me? Does he want someone else? Am I too fat? Am I not sexy? What's wrong w my body? Is he cheating? IT SUCKS to not feel like enough!

So in my opinion no one can tell you to try with her or not. If you think this was a one time thing and she is genuinely can be a person of integrity then why not see where it goes and work through your issues together. But if she is a selfish person who only cares about herself and her needs/wants then move on. You need to work on yourself before anyone else!

 

But I agree with everything else you say.

I´m going to break it down, real simple for you:
Erection ≠ Pleasure

I know this may sound strange for someone, who obviously has no experience in sex (or relationships for that matter), but it´s really true.

 

No it's your opinion that it's cheating.

Why do you feel the man SHOULD have more drive and never say no? This thinking puts a lot of stress on many men including myself, to always want sex, always be ready. If your husband don't want sex because he chooses porn, it's a big problem, but what about those men who just isn't horny all the time?


Kattskägg

 

@Broken3 Could not have said it better.

From what the OP has written, they have tried to have sex 2 times in 9 months. And when he could not get it up, he would basically not try until 3 months later.
As a woman, what are you supposed to think? You feel completely undesired. And women want to be desired and loved. More than having somebody elses penis inside them (even if it´s the hardest, most beautiful penis she has ever seen). She wants to feel validated, nothing more, nothing less.

What the OP could have done better:
- Come clean with her right away, so she knows the reason why he can´t get it up.
- Let her feel loved and desired, by getting intimate with her in other ways.

Even though point 1 is pretty much useless without 2.

 

Did you misunderstand me or did I just misunderstand you? Of course an erection isn't mandatory for pleasure, and I think it was wrong for her to be with another man just because her boyfriend had ed.


Kattskägg

 

What she could have done:
-Talked to him about feeling unwanted and undesired.
-Dumped him before sleeping with another.

I agree he could have been honest about the cause of his ed, takes courage but would have been the best thing. Maybe OP tried in other ways to make her feel special, we don't know that, but based of what we know, I really can't understand her actions.


Kattskägg

 

But that´s not how cheating works. Women don´t think "Oh this guys penis is so big and hard, I wanna jump on it!", just like men do, when they see a vagina. They want to feel special, desired, loved. For them it´s huge turn on, when a man is so filled with lust for her, that he can´t control himself, because she is so beautiful.

 

Yeah and a soft penis makes them feel unwanted no matter what. That's a big problem, just makes the shame of having ed even worse.


Kattskägg

 

And that is why I said: