Reboot Confession led to confession by SO. I feel hurt

Sorry to hear that. Hard to tell how to handle this... all I want to say is that many women experience the porn use of their partner as being cheated upon as well. Thus, you could say that you both hurt each other the same way. On the other hand, love does not work by "eye for an eye", but by forgiving. Moreover, she didn't know about your porn use and I must say that a relationship which is only 9 months old (or even younger if you consider the point when she cheated on you) shouldn't involve cheating, even if you were emotionally unavailable at times because of your addiction. This sounds like this woman has difficulties with controlling her sex drive.

I guess the important question is whether and how much she cheating on you is connected to your porn use. But, as I just said, a quality woman should be able to live with a situation like this for a few months! You certainly need to talk this through, in person. Don't forget how you've hurt her, too, but I feel inclined to say that her behavior is worse.

I don't want to jump to quick conclusions, though. I haven't experienced a situation like that, and hopefully never will. May be someone else has more to contribute.

 

The nature of the cheating doesn't really matter. What I picked up on was this: did she confess out of guilt only after you confessed? If you hadn't, would she ever have? My $.02 worth: I don't see a future here at all with her. The fact that she admitted it doesn't erase the deed.

 

I think your top priority should be stopping porn use. you need to remove this situation from your life if it leads you to feel depressed and use porn again.

 

I kind of agree. I told my girlfriend about my porn addiction and we broke up. But she cares about me still and encourages me to stay clean. this is one of the reasons why I am having a positive reboot now. Having an accountability partner or someone who cares about your struggle is very very important. If your girlfriend does not care or understand it will hinder your path.

 

SO here. I imagine this girl felt really awful about the ED and took it personally (as many women would). She wanted to feel desired by a man. I fully understand her actions.

 

My advice would be to break up with her. You seem to be concerned that your ED will get worse if you break up with her. My thinking is that it will get worse if you stay with her. Why? Well, if there are no physical issues, then the ED is mentally driven. Why would you want the extra stress of being with a person that will cheat on you if you can't perform? The additional stress of knowing that she will likely cheat again if you can't satisfy her will probably make your ED worse.

 

This is pretty disturbing. You understand her cheating and lying?

Could the ED have impacted her self estimate? - Sure. Could she feel that she was being "cheated" out of a physical relationship - Again this is very understandable. But why the cheating? She could have just as easily left the relationship and sparred the OP the additional hurt of being cheated on.

 

And he shouldn't have cheated on her.

 

You and "many women" have way bigger problems than any porn addict..


Kattskägg

 

Hey OP, you should definitely dump her, but what about try, one last time to see if you could get it up? Having successful sex with her might give you a little boost? When you finally given her that really hard penis and she want it again, just dump her.


Kattskägg

 

You are in denial about how porn use devalues wives and girlfriends and is infidelity.

 

I agree. But no one is excusing the fact that she cheated. All we're saying is that we can understand how she ended up cheating.

CS Lewis said "An explanation of cause is not justification of reason." That applies here.

People and relationships are incredibly complex. It's too simplistic to say she cheated on him because she's a slut / because she's an awful person / because she didn't care about him enough / etc. The path that led her to cheat is probably a lot more involved than that. It doesn't let her off the hook--cheating is horrible--but we should be careful before we go pointing fingers at people, especially when we recognize our own powerlessness over our addictive compulsions.

@Greenson, several people will disagree with me, but I think there's hope for this relationship if you both want it and you're both willing to do the work it takes to rebuild trust. There are dozens of betrayed partners in these forums who have chosen to stick by their SO's and support them in their recovery. It just comes down to what you both want. It'd be worth having a conversation with her about where you guys would prefer to go from here.

 

I certainly agree with you about how it devalues women who are in relationships, @Sadgirl ... but can you honestly say that you wouldn't have been even more heartbroken if you'd discovered that your SO was having a full-on affair?

I agree that porn is certainly a form of betrayal. I just don't think it's nearly as severe as meeting up with someone in the flesh and sharing the most intimate and passionate experience humans can enjoy.

 

I'm so tired of all the "he watched porn so I could as well see other men, cause he CHEATED on me!"

But this girl didn't even knew he watched porn, maybe she didn't even minded that, but she cheated on him because he couldn't get and erection. I can't imagine the pain it must have caused OP


Kattskägg

 

@kattskagg - that was way over the line. I believe you said English wasn't your primary language - but a pure ad hominem attack is inappropriate here.

 

So my husband spent 500 x 12 HOUR DAYS of our relationship looking for and wanting other women. Women who were fake, airbrushed, photoshopped etc. Women who I could never compete with. Had he had an affair that lasted say a month, that would be 1 month out of our relationship that he lusted after another woman-one who I could compete with. To me, that seems a lot less tragic. And before anyone tries to tell me how wrong my feelings are-they are mine 100% and I don't expect anyone to understand.