Questions to have answers to before physically separating

So you write letters to your husband .. and give them to him.

My wife wrote me a letter..her official response to my Full Disclosure on July 1, 2018 --- and she won't give it to me. I mean..she hasn't given it to me / she says it will destroy me to read it so she doesn't want to give it to me..even though she knows she HAS to respond to the Full Disclosure at some point.

I wrote my wife a poem--back in January 2018--the poem is entitled "The Pain I Have Caused You" .... and she won't take it. I have physically tried to give it to her and she says she doesn't want it yet.

When I move out...I am going to just leave it on her desk in the home office....maybe I should have already done that?!?

Yes, you are right..we don't communicate well....never have had any REAL, honest communication (never able to tell the hars truths to each other). And even now -- we both agreed to be meeting with this counselor..to plan out our separation. It feels very much like she isn't pursuing the counselor. It's only been one week ... I am going to give it time.

We did agree NOT to separate until we talk out / plan out with this counselor....maybe her way of NOT WANTING TO separate? Who knows.

 

I don't think we are terrified .. we both have very laid back personalities .. I describe our relationship / our interaction since DDay (June 1, 2017) as "we are friendly, but we are not friends".

My wife is not mean or nasty or anything like that to me (nor I to her). I just feel completely invisible / completely ignored by her. But that is just how she is coping through this crisis, this trauma.

 

But to your point -- (and maybe this is what you meant) -- I do think our interactions are emotionally exhausting quite often.

 

Great questions. I don't know the reason Why .. I think part of it is we are both people-pleasers, my wife especially - but me too. We both are very conflict-avoidant.

There is a great book on marriage I read last summer (right after DDay) -- it had a whole section about two critical ingredients to a healthy marriage: Love and Truth
* Truth without Love is a relationship marked by bickering and fighting/yelling (this was NEVER us)

* Love without Truth - when I read this part...I felt like it was describing our 20-year marriage. Lots of love and apparent-happiness...but the relationship is paper thin. Roots are never formed between the spouses. The marriage relationship is shallow. THAT was us for 20 years.

 

I think we "parent" okay right now..even together. I put parent in quotes because compared to our first 4 kids (now ages 20, 19, 17, 15) ... our last two kids (ages 10 and 8) are being parented a lot worse / a lot less. Partly because kids #5 and #6..that just happens. But also partly because this trauma my wife has been going through the last 16 months / the last 2-3 years / the last 21 years really (which is jupicbein felt/realized the last few years).

But we get by. We have both attended our 15 year old daughter's volleyball games...sat next to each (barely talked). Tonight there is a back to school night -- I am meeting my wife there...I assume we will sit together. (We'll see.)

We talk about if the kids need to be picked up or go somewhere...we communicate enough to make sure the kids are fed, where they need to be, etc. We just don't talk about US .. our future .. where things are or are not going. She doesn't want to talk about that stuff..ever. She wants space .. more space (hence me moving out) .. and more time. She is trying to get herself healed / recovered .... And then, she will make the determination if she wants to remain married or not.

 

Sounds like me.

 

* I went to Back to School night from about 7PM - 10PM (extra hour at then end for parenta of seniors...ugh)

* My wife didn't make it..She was on her way when the house called -- our 8 year old was having a fit. My wife had to go home and deal with that.

* at back to school night..a close friend of mine and my wife's came up to me, she asked how I was doing, I could tell she felt really bad for me -- then she asked me if I had settled in at Jen's house yet
*** that threw me off..I didn't realize that she knew
*** I told our friend that I hadn't moved out yet...we saw a counselor last week..etc.

I felt extremely uncomfortable after that friend came up to me and was basically expressing her condolences for our separation. I felt exposed and naked .. and suddenly, really really lonely.


This was a close, close friend....as couples, we've been close with for over 16 years. And I knew my wife and her talked.....I just didn't realize that she had ben told.

I felt super uncomfortable after that.

 

Hey..it's good to see you back friend.

Um, maybe you misread my post -- or I was not clear -- this is a close, close friend of mine and of my wife. Her husband and her were our small group leaders at our church for about 12 years...one small group at church for that long -- we were close..as close as church friends go.

So, my wife has been talking to her a bit since we moved back to the States in the last year.

Now, I did _not_ realize that my wife communicated to our friend that I was moving out of the house and moving to a friend's house -- that surprised me..and kind of stunned me.

But, honestly -- I think it was a good dose of reality.