Questions to have answers to before physically separating

How does a couple work on relationship recovery / marriage recovery ... if my wife seriously wants to pursue divorce? Or is at least strongly considering it?

The trajectory we have been on is Relationship/Marriage Recovery can only happen (i.e. will happen and will be worked on) only once my wife makes the critical decision: does she want a divorce? or does she want to stay married and pursue reconciliation?

She HONESTLY cannot say which choice she wants to make. I know 100% she does NOT want to be married to me...but I also know she fears divorce and how that will negatively impact everyone that she loves around her.

So Relationship Recovery has been put on hold until that decision has been made.

 

We found a CSAT in early January 2018...my wife saw her 4 times in January / I met with her 1 time in January before moving back to Europe.

After moving home on Feb 2, 2018, both my wife and I saw the CSAT (individually..not as a couple together) until August 2018. I saw her probably around 24 times over that 7 months...my wife saw her maybe around 10 times over that time.

My wife was introduced to the concept of Betrayal Trauma through that CSAT .. which was hugely helpful! But, the CSAT kind of turned on my wife..we both felt..and my wife stopped seeing her in late July 2018 after our Full Disclosure on July 1, 2018.

 

Our posts crossed...Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that my wife wants a divorce -- and that was BEFORE I disclosed about the infidelity from 17 years ago.

If feels like if my wife "had the balls" .. she would have filed for divorce months ago.

 

Turned against her...it was bad actually -- the CSAT was "taking my side" way too much. She was really MY THERAPIST..and the CSAT did not do a good job looking out for how my wife was feeling through it.

 

I think she doesn't know.

She has told me many, many times over the last 16 months: BOTH choices she has in front of her (divorce or reconciliation) -- she sees nothing but pain for herself...it is a lose-lose situation for her she says.

Nothing about staying married is appealing / nothing about divorcing is appealing (those are my words, my view of how she would put it). THAT is the stuck position my wife is in [since June 2017].

She emotionally left the marriage back in August 2016 .. She has told me that multiple times (Aug 2016 was two DDay's ago). I think the idea of emotionally investing herself back into the relationship TERRIFIES her...completely terrifies her to the point where she is paralyzed and does nothing.

 

I wanted to clarify those last two words..."does nothing" -- I mean that as it relates to Relationship Recovery.

She IS doing stuff related to her own recovery from Betrayal Trauma..heavily involved in the btr.org website / talks to counselors / talks to close friends about our situation and her own personal recovery. Etc.

 

I need to update this: my wife and I just talked...I asked her if she had heard from our counselor at church..last week, we had tentatively scheduled for this week Friday to meet up again. My wife told me that the counselor emailed her yesterday; my wife said she only skimmed the email; my said that she did not respond to our counselor..she wasn't sure if the counselor was suggesting to meet with her one-on-one -- she didn't read the whole email.

Anyway..so no meeting tomorrow with the counselor it looks like. (I emailed the counselor yesterday..the list of questions..waiting to hear back.)

 

No. I actually stopped seeing her (the CSAT therapist) .. and when my wife asked why, I told her that I lost trust in the CSAT therapist after how she treated my wife.

I don't know if my wife found much comfort in that though...my wife definitely thought it was a red flag that I stopped seeing my CSAT (understandably). We found out at the end of August that we get brand new health insurance starting October 1st. And I looked it up -- it has MUCH better coverage for counseling...both cost-wise and the number of psychologist options. I started compiling a huge list of psychologists in my area..looking at each doctor's website..seeing id they have some sort of CSAT background..etc.

I am finding a new therapist, for myself, to start right after October 1. In the meantime, I have gotten more active and more involved in my Celebrate Recovery weekly meetings....and they are starting a Step Studies mens group this month which I am going to participate in too.