Porn is where I feel desired. HELP.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Kyle23, May 2, 2019.

  1. Kyle23

    Kyle23 Fapstronaut

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    The title pretty much says it. I’m 22, in a serious relationship since 4 years and love her very much. But I’ve been watching porn since I was 12. Although I love her so much, I struggle with what I feel is a high sex drive compared to her. I’ve been strong and focused but when I feel undesired, (which is most of the time), I turn to porn. She’s the reason I turned off porn to make her happy but ironically, she’s the reason I stay addicted. She rarely initiates sex or makes it seem like she desires me which leaves me feeling self conscious. Especially when I see her to be so attractive and I would always be up for sex. But I get turned down a lot. That doesn’t help me feeling undesired. I hate to pressure her and respect her. So the loneliness kicks in and I get back to porn for stimulation and the feel of being not so pathetic.. but I know how it seems. I hate to be so selfish but that’s why I’m asking for advice and help. I’m healthy and stay fit. How can I get my girlfriend to want me more in that way? I never want to guilt her or tell her how I deal with things. But I want it to change. How can I be more attractive to her and make her want me as I do her?? We have sex at most twice a week and she hardly seems into it. Girls and guys I appreciate the help
     
  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    First, I think it's great that you want to find a way to be more connected with your gf. But, there are a few things I think you're possibly misunderstanding.
    If you've been PMO since 12 years old, it's unlikely that you have any idea what your actual sex drive is like. Sex drive and urges to PMO to avoid difficult emotions are not the same thing. You said yourself that you turn to P when you feel undesired. That isn't your sex drive pushing you to it. You're using P as a coping mechanism.
    No, no, no. She does not decide for you to turn to PMO to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings. IMO, you can't truly recover unless you change this mindset. You are responsible for your actions. She might do things that upset or disappoint you, but you decide what you do when that happens. Instead of avoiding those feelings by numbing out with P, you could acknowledge that you feel that way, and talk to her about it. That's the only way to fix things...with her, together. P will never fix anything. Ever.
    Have you ever talked to her about your PA? Even if you never have and you think she has no idea, I bet she knows more than you realize. She might not know exactly what's going on, but she probably knows something isn't right. And, it's very possible that is the reason she's holding back.
    Be open and honest with her...tell her about your struggles. Let her know that it's important to you for the two of you to have a closer intimate connection. Tell her that you're committed to recovery and follow through. Keep her in the loop, and let her know that you would appreciate her supporting you. But, you have to do it yourself...be accountable, be completely honest, understand that most likely she's going to have her own stuff to deal with when she finds out about your PA. That's normal.

    Educate yourself about PA. Start a journal to put down your thoughts, feelings, highs, lows, struggles, whatever you want, but that will help you start to recognize all the emotions you've been avoiding for so long. Read others' journals to better understand how recovery works. I think it's really important for you to understand 1) why you turn to P in the first place, and 2) your PA isn't your gf's fault. Also, I think it's imperative that you are honest with her from here on out.
     
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  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Everything @hope4healing said. I could not have said it better.

    Let me add something. You say in the title that porn is where you feel desired. Be honest with yourself. Do you really feel desired when you watch p and m? Really and truly? Or do you just get a quick high from getting off and then feel shame and regret as soon as you are done? You know that you do not feel an ounce of desire from watching people you do not know on a screen. Why? Because they don't desire you. Your girlfriend does - just not the way you have trained your brain to receive it because all your sexual experiences are shaped by porn.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2019
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  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Everything @hope4healing said is true.

    You are currently In Your Addiction, which simply means you are not seeing clearly. Your Addict Brain wants to blame anyone and everything so you avoid responsibility, but truth is You Are Choosing To PMO. Yes, outside factors can affect you, but You Choose How You React.

    PMO, like all addictions, are crutches. They are ways to cope when you never learned proper coping skills as a child. Whenever an addict feels negative emotions, or feels uncomfortable the urge comes to use and so they do because they never learned different. You can overcome this, but you need to...
    1. Admit You Are An Addict
    2. Own Your Choices
    3. Learn About Addiction and Recovery
    4. Be 100% Honest With Your Partner

    She may not want sex because she may know you use adn is too scared to ask you to stop.... I know I think it was @kropo82 your wife was scared that you would choose porn over her, right?

    Your GF might be terrified that if she says it's her or porn that you would choose porn.... I think a lot of us SO's feel that at some point to different degrees. And if she does know to some extent that something is off or has seen bits of your history and is aware that you "somtimes" use that could completely shut her down and turn her off from you because she already feels disresepected.

    Please read about addiction, learn about recovery, Get Outside Help, Be Honest, Get Support, and keep coming back to learn and be open to the process.

    There will be highs and there will be lows. That's part of the journey...You are going to need to learn what works for you. For me and my husband (almost 3 years clean) we went super strict with tech in the beginning and I think that is one of the reasons he is so successful compared to other addicts on here who bargain with what they can keep.

    Most addicts get offended and scoff when the SO and other experienced addicts say to get off all social media, but out nudity from tv shows, vet your shows, cut back on gaming, cut back on being on tech unless it has a purpose, and there may be some people who think my husband and I are crazy for our strong approach.... but my husband doesn't struggle with ogling, my husband doesn't get super triggered if he were to see something on TV.... the thing is, when we cut the addiction off, we made sure the addiction was 100% cut off with no p-subs and back ups to wiggle into.

    Be honest, tell your girl, she hopefully will be supportive. If she realizes it's an addiction, nad not that you are just some asshole guy who doesn't care about her feelings, it is easier to understand. I chose to stay with my husband because it was an addiction. Had it not been an addiction and it was him choosing to do this (with a clear head, not an addict brain) I would have left. But because he has a brain disease and I know about addiction, I stayed because Recovery and Sobriety Are Possible.

    You can do this. I know you can. All the addicts on here have the potential to overcome this if they take the time to learn, sit back, realize they don't know everything in their addicted state, and are open to the recovery process even if it doesn't make sense or is uncomfortable. If you are uncomfortable in recovery, you're doing it right. If you're comfortable, something is wrong.

    Good luck!
     
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Yes. Back in 2010. We'd been together since 1983 and when she told me that my porn use had destroyed her self-esteem, and that unless I stopped she would have to leave (in order to protect herself), I could see how frightened she was, frightened that after 27 years I would choose porn over her. It still makes me cry to call that moment to mind. What on earth had I done to her. Despite that powerful catalyst it still took me years to stop completely (and even now, after 943 days, I still think of myself as a recovering addict).

    @Lachlan Mooney, there seems to be a lot of wisdom in this thread from @hope4healing, @EyesWideOpen, and @Queen_Of_Hearts_13, thank you for starting the thread.

    Another thread to read (especially for @GG2002's posts and @Castielle's for balance) is Sex after baby
     
  6. Kyle23

    Kyle23 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for the supportive words I clearly need. I’ve made excuses and I realise I need to be real about this.
     
  7. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    I totally understand where you’re coming from LM. I have told myself the same stupid shit lies for decades. “I PMO because of my wife’s lack of desire for me”. I am sure I’m older than your parents- don’t be me: DEAL WITH THIS NOW!!!!!

    that said, permit me to offer 2 suggestions. 1) NoFap academy; 2) the book “The Presence Process”. This book will teach you to recognize the emotions in your life that you are coping with via PMO. Get it. Do the 10 weeks.

    Best of luck man. Lots of people post stuff here on NF- somehow your post drew pure gold from some very wise people. It’s good to be you.
     
  8. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    The Presence Process.....huge trip for me. Read this 3 years ago. Would love to hear your insights -PM?
     

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