My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Wow. You have good nerves. My wife was also playing with me this games: Headache, tired, wants to read, has to cook, clean, has period... At one point I told myself if she continues with this theater for 3 more days I will call that ex gf and have sex. Period. And as in miracle she felt my intentions and we had sex like half an hour later. Women don't like super nice guys. My wild guess is you are too nice.

 

I think change happens in a second. But to come to that second... That is another story.

 

@Hermin That was very discouraging to read. I don't think your SO is playing games, neither is this guys wife. It's as if you're saying it's not okay for a woman to have feelings and is just a sex object for your pleasure. That is addict brain, I know, but still sad to see.

I've read this guys thread from beginning until end and I have seen the emotion and effort this man has made to make things better. He understands her emotions and is being patient which is all a SO could ask for in such a emotional rollercoaster of a situation.

Healing takes time. My husband is over a year PMO free and we are just starting to rebuild a solid foundation of trust. After a year. It takes time. My husband has been patient, validating, and supportive throughout my recovery from his addiction, and I have been the same to him. We all have off days, hell off weeks, but just because someone won't or isn't in the mood to have sex, doesn't mean that gives anyone the right to cheat.

 

Maybe you are right. But I also had a girlfriend once and I remember I was the one making excuses. Too tited, etc... At one time she had enough, put a bottle of fine wine in ftont of me, we had a joint after that and end up in bed. And it was great! If she had been just understanding none of this would ever happen. Sometimes if somebody is too understanding it can be annoying as hell. And yes if we are horny we are a bit more agressive - both sexes. It is a natural reaction. We are complicated creatures. Porn is artificial, being horny in a natural way is not. But of course controlling the urge is very important, and it was a weak point for me, I admit. So partially you are right. I would act differently today.

 

I think telling her that is a bad idea. The past is the past. Hit the 90 days mark and beyond (I plan the same) but don't tell her about porn, as it can make things much worse.
PS
My last posts were maybe a little harsh, we are all different, so don't take it personally. We are all just making assumptions here. We may be right or completely wrong.

 

I'm interested to hear how it continues with the five love languages. Have you been using more words of affirmation towards her as well? If the premise of the book is correct and you completely fill her "love tank" (sounds like you have already filled the "acts of service" portion) then she should want to fill yours as well. When this happens her night time visits should happen more regularly.

 

This is 100% NOT true! My husband is as nice as it gets! He's amazing and I have never turned him down! I want him more bc of how he is and all the things he does for me and how he treats me. That's why I married him...all the Aholes in the past gave me a greater appreciation for my man!

 

We are talking about super nice partners and the partners who don't have as much desire to have intimate relationship with those nice partners.My guess is you have no problems with intimacy with your significant other.

 

I wouldn't be on this site if we didn't have intimacy problems. My SO as "nice" as he is...he's still a PA. And as much as much of a libido that I do have he still chose PMO over me and yes it affected us. We are working to make it all better and it is getting there but it is a process and doesn't happen over night.

 

Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

I'll start with a suggestion of just sleeping together - it might help you feel more physically close and her have some feel-good chemicals happening in the brain.

But I just read this whole thread, and you talk a good game about communication, even have some solid wins with the love letter and mutual agreements, and you are still falling short in a big way. Dude, you are cutting yourself off from your biggest cheerleader. We don't get married because we expect everything will be perfect and we'll be able to plow our way through situations on our own - we promise each other support one another and to stick through the tough sh*t, and porn is the tough sh*t.

 

My husband's love language is touch, and mine is most definitely not. It has been a bit of a struggle moving away from old patterns, but I am trying really hard. Does your wife know how important it is to you? Have you implemented daily cudle time? 30 minutes a day of just laying there talking and holding eachother? It is a great time to FANOS! Also, there is a book called Cupid's Poisoned Arrow that I think you would enjoy and benefit from

 

"we promise each other support one another and to stick through the tough sh*t, and porn is the tough sh*t."[/QUOTE]


Is it ever tough. We have dealt with dying parents, unemployment, infertility, lots of really hard things, and porn has hurt the core of our marriage like nothing else. It is traumatic.