My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Just reclaiming my thread here!!

And should anyone be interested. Married (1st time) at 24. Been with second wife since I was 28. Virgin until I was 24. If people want to discuss further the significance of the age at (first) marriage, can I respectfully request that it be done in a separate thread please!

Thanks!

ANH

 

Found myself sliding down a bit of a slippery slope today.

I am very keen to reconnect with my wife and increase the level of intimacy in our marriage in a way that she finds emotionally and physically satisfying. As already mentioned, I have bought the 5 love-languages book and will invite her to work through it with me.

I am also trying to think if there is a better way to negotiate the question of making it clear that I love and desire her, without her feeling pressured into having sex - particularly post reboot once she knows I have quit PMO for good. Tied up with this is the question of possibly mis-matched libidos. I may want sex twice a week - she may only be in the mood one day in ten.

This led me to looking into practices such as tantric sex, karezza and particularly devotional sex as possible ways in which my wife can be in control, and hence not pressured while at the same time we enjoy greater intimacy together.

The trouble is that researching this quickly led to major triggers and links to area of the internet I shouldn't be viewing. No damage done. Streak intact. Resolve strengthened.

So, I have banned myself from further research in these areas until the 90 days are up. And then, I will only look into them with my wife if she is interested in finding out more.

ANH

 

Urges very strong today. Triggers everywhere I look. Just had to tear myself away from watching a video my daughter had up on her laptop of a YouTuber showing off her shoe collection! I was getting seriously horny!

I guess on the bright side, flatlining doesn't seem to be an issue!

Six days since my last O, with my gorgeous wife. She gets back tomorrow night. I'll have to try very hard not to pressurise her. Craving intimacy as much as an O. I have missed her hugs.

Looks like I am going to have to keep very busy today and tomorrow.

ANH

 

Keeping busy worked. Took my daughter shopping and then to lunch. Back home moved a whole heap of furniture about in preparation for our new sofas arriving tomorrow. Cooked the evening meal and spoke to my wife on the phone. Urges back to manageable levels. No longer feel that the 'tail' is wagging the dog. Bought some flowers for my wife to welcome her back tomorrow.

5 weeks since giving up PMO and no relapse. Feeling proud and optimistic. Hopeful that my wife will feel like making love sometime this weekend. Hope to make it slow, loving, intimate and wife-centric.

Best wishes to all here

ANH

 

Yes, spooky. 90 days here we come!

 

Well, my wife arrived back last night after a week away. She'd had a good time but, as expected, was tired from the journey. It was great to see her again! She loved the flowers and the great state the house was in, with our new sofas in place and looking good. I cooked her a meal, which turned out really well, and got her to relax and unwind on the sofa with a cup of coffee. When it came to (my) bed-time, I kissed her goodnight and told her to get a really good night's sleep - effectively signalling that I wasn't expecting her to wake me later to make love, because I knew she was tired. I did shave before I went to bed (just in case) but was pretty confident that sleep would be her priority that night.

[A quick aside - I have had bad nights when I was so desperate for a visit from my wife that I would wake up at every creak or groan of the house, thinking that it might be her opening my bedroom door].

I slept well and woke refreshed this morning. While my wife and daughter are still asleep I've been doing the laundry. Sorting through my wife's clean underwear was enough to raise my heart rate, and other things. [Don't judge me - it's been 8 days!].

Hoping for a good happy family day today and some long-awaited intimacy tonight.

ANH

PS Planning to discuss reading the 5 languages of love together after we next make love. I think it will be a better discussion if I am not unbearably horny at the time!

 

Well we had the good family day as planned. I wanted to hug my wife every time I saw her. After the third or fourth time, I thought there was a danger that she'd interpret this as pressurising her to have sex later. So I thought I would go for open communication to avoid that. I told her how it was good to have her back and that I hoped we would be able to make love soon, but of course, only if she felt like it. She said that we will soon but at the moment she was feeling tired and sore (bad back mostly). I said that I wasn't expecting anything acrobatic (!) and she laughed.

The rest of the day was fine. She was tired in the evening, so even though I've done all the cooking for a week while she was away staying in a hotel, I said I would cook again, which she appreciated.

Come midnight (my bedtime) I gave her a goodnight kiss and went to bed. I thought the chances were about 60/40 that I would be seeing her later but despite a sense of excitement and anticipation I got to sleep pretty quickly.

I woke up at 2:30 to find the house dark but my wife's bedside light on behind her closed door. This meant that she had just gone to her room and was either getting ready to come and see me (she usually likes to dress up a little) or was reading and about to go to sleep.

Then her light goes off, meaning she has decided to go to sleep.

It was very difficult not to feel rejected. She knew how much I wanted to make love and had chosen to stay up late surfing the net (looking at furniture and clothes according to the history) and then go to sleep instead.

I then couldn't get back to sleep because I had sad, unhelpful, thoughts going round and round my head. I resorted to reading and eventually dropped off at about 4:30 as it was beginning to get light.

In the cold light of day, I can rationalise it. She was enjoying some me-time to unwind and when she decided it was time to go to bed didn't feel like making love, not least because her back is still sore. She decided that giving it another day to get better would be sensible and make it easier for her to be in the mood.

So there we are. I had a horrible night with too little sleep and am feeling a bit grumpy as a result. I know that eventually she will be in the mood again, but in the meantime it is so easy to interpret her lack of desire or action as lack of feeling for me.

We need to do the 5 languages of love together soon. My top two are words of affirmation and physical touch (surprise, surprise). I suspect hers will be quality time and receiving gifts but we need to go through the book together.

In the meantime I will try to keep myself busy and stamp on any feelings of resentment because they are not helpful. Nine days since my wife and I were intimate and I want her so much it hurts.

 

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. My wife has woken up in a very low mood and has spent much of the day so far in tears. It's apparently nothing that I have done, or not done, but just one of those days when the glass is not such much half empty as barely damp. Trying to be supportive and selfless and get jobs done from our joint "to do" list to help her feel better. Have given up hope of any sort of intimacy in the near future.

Nobody said this was going to be easy.

ANH