My Queit Husband posted his problem on Facebook-

It sounds like he’s taking a step in accountability, I wouldn’t have an issue if my hubby made the bold statement, for me it is no different than someone not afraid to admit to alcoholism.
I have noticed a lot of PA’s find themselves in a situation where they want to educate others after a while too.
It could also be a plea to reach out to people he knows, for support.

 

I would totally freak out. But that's because I'm a super private person and fb is the farthest thing from it. There is ONE person in our family who knows about my husband being a PA and that is my mom. Other than that we have two good friends who know. That is it. No one at either of our jobs know, no one in our families know, none of our friends know. But that is just our personal decision.

I say if the two of you are comfortable with it, go for it.

 

So my husband actually did the same thing way back when. I don't know what your husband said, but I'll post my husbands post below.


I think it's an amazing step forward. Is what he posted what you quoted or is there more? I think it depends on how it was stated on FB. From what you quoted above, it's vague, my husband got detailed in his post. I still think the world of my husband for being brave enough to post about it (he said he was inspired by me coming out about my anorexia). It shows that you no longer want the addiction to be in secret. With secrecy, comes the power. When there are no secrets, and all is in the light, then it's much harder to go back there.


I know my husband posted his thing on FB without telling me, he let me know there was a surprise and asked if he could mention my anorexia openly on FB and said, I came out on FB about my anorexia a while ago and that wasn't a problem.

I originally was so happy he did this. But, when the comments came in, and the personal attacks against me started, that's when it all fell apart for me (still was proud of him though). Jak wasn't in a strong place and wasn't able to defend me very well. His family thought I hacked his facebook and posted it. They attacked me, said he had to take it down, his brother said porn is okay and it was wrong for me to "use my anorexia" against his porn use. His brother even said I flaunted my anorexia on facebook (how would he know he isn't even friends with me!), and Jak explained the times I mention anorexia on FB are when I am struggling and reaching out for help. His sister who never talks to me met with me about it, and was like, "He isn't being the one unfaithful" (referring to me being on a dating site with Jaks permission to do a porn survey - which I ended up helping a guy who realized he had a porn addiction and him, Jak and I met up and we were able to help him). I told his sister why I was on the site, she shrugged it off but still was hostile towards me. She said he had to take the post down, what if jobs see that. I explained what a huge step it was for him, and that I didn't know he was going to do that either. She was like, "I know you think it's a big step but it needs to come down, our grandparents are on facebook, can you imagine what they're thinking!" His friends called me controlling and manipulative with my anorexia. My friend even said, "Get over it, you don't need to starve because of this. Just forget about it, all guys watch. Don't let your anorexia get in the way"

Basically, I was told from every person that my health didn't matter and his porn use was okay and normal and how dare I get in between him and his porn. I mean, Jak isn't the most eloquent writer and sometimes isn't very clear with his writing, so maybe it's the way he wrote things that made people jump to conclusions. I know Jaks post was emotional and written in a heated moment so that is probably why his post struck people so hard.

If your husband wrote just what you quoted, I think there wouldn't be lashback on you and not on him since he didn't say "porn addict"

@Jak3 FB post:

"It seems to me that there is a problem in today's society that most people are unaware of. To some, it's not a problem, to others it may be, some don't realize it and most just deny it completely. To me personally it is a major problem and i didn't even know it until earlier this year. I've had it for probably almost a decade from what i can remember, and in the past years has helped feed a circle of feeling hopeless and like I wasn't going anywhere in life and even some depression i didn't even know I had. I've been addicted to porn for a long time and it took me a while to even realize let alone admit that it was a problem. It's not a problem for everybody but for those that it is they may not realize it. You'd be surprised how much it changes your personality and especially how you view not just woman but everyone. It makes you think that societies view of how a man and woman should look is that "perfect" photo shopped add from clothes stores and magazines when in reality nobody looks like that. It makes the "perfect guy muscular with a perfect face and hair and the girls are unrealistically skinny and most don't realize what hell they go through with there awful health killing diets. And nobody realizes that most porn stars in fact don't want to do porn and the suicide rate is atrocious. The average life expectancy of a porn star isn't even 40 years old. The only 2 states that it's legal in don't even do it legally.

The biggest problem is the effect it has on relationships in society. Most divorces are because of porn and other infidelity that is the cause of a porn addiction that got so bad they went to physical cheating. My relationship has taken a huge toll because of what I've done with porn. Anna told me from the start that she can't handle that in a relationship, her anorexia would take over. I did it for an entire year behind her back. When she found out i promised i wouldn't do it ever again. Of course being an addict that didn't happen. I couldn't understand why i wouldn't stop and i was disgusted with myself inside. This happened a few more times where i said i'd stop and didn't until she found everything I had done for the past year or so a few months ago and it really hurt us.There is nothing in the world we argue about. There is nothing we can't have a short conversation about before coming to a compromise. We agree on almost EVERYTHING and am not exaggerating. The things we don't agree on we talk and come to an agreement but that's rare we don't agree on something. We've rarely been apart in the past 16 months besides work and class and we still miss each other when we're apart. We never fight about anything except for my porn addiction. I ruined the best thing I've ever had because of it. Fortunately she's amazing and has stayed with me and is helping me through it. It is still difficult though. We fight more often all about things that come back to what I did. I lied to her constantly as an addict always does and it took a while to know and admit that it was an addiction. Luckily enough it was not as escalated as I have read of others that were much much worse. I never went passed vanilla and I never got Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, and yes it exists. If you watch and get off to porn too much you may start needing more and more porn and different kinds just to get hard or even turned on at all. Eventually you won't be able to get an erection, not even for real people. It can be cured by a 90 cleanse from porn and getting off at all. A lot of addicts will go to some f***** up shit on porn sites even child and incest and other taboo s***. Their relationships will crumble and that's usually what causes divorce. If your partner, girlfriend or whoever you're with is not ok with it and you do it anyway, you're letting other woman into the relationship and that's cheating. It's infidelity and if it's left untreated and can escalate to going to other woman physically and emotionally. Some couples and partners are ok with each other watching porn, and that's fine if they are both ok with it but as long as they know that porn is mostly rape and sex trafficking. They usually start out modeling or something innocent and simple and someone tells them they can make a lot of money just having sex. They start off simple and easy but the next thing they know they're taking it in every whole and on coke and alcohol just to get through it and they're pregnant or have syphilis for the fifth time because the tests the male actors get for std's are mostly fake. That's not all cases but it is a lot of cases. Like i said, even the legitimate companies don't abide by the laws. The industry is mostly unregulated.

Since I've stopped, I've been so much happier. Work is better, I'm passing classes with more than a C+ i have all A's now. I finally feel like I'm working on my future because I've felt so stuck for so long. And my relationship is better even though there are some fights about the past porn use and what it did. Also the sex is great, it was great before but now it's the best sex ever every time. Porn really does effect how you interact with people and can very well hinder any kind of intimacy with people, not just in a romantic relationship. Quitting has just overall made me a better person and feel like a better person. I've seen so many stories that are very sad and some that are very nice to see that people recover. It's also nice to see that I'm not alone by long shot. It's a huge problem not only in the U.S. but it's such a serious issue in Australia that a mayor declared that he will try to make his city porn free. High school students in Australia take nudes of girls in class and not only rate them but trade them as if it's a currency. It really is a serious problem and I know many of you will disagree and I really don't care about your arguments on this. This is my experience and my opinions with some facts thrown in. This is not me wanting to argue although if you have polite counterpoints or questions I am more than happy to talk. This is a serious issue and I believe awareness of such a problem should be spread to not only help people who share this problem but also address the insecurity that things like this cause with guys and girls alike where they feel they have to match this impossible picture of perfection that society paints and that even their partners/girlfriends/boyfriends expect them to look like. They even say they want someone more porn or model like not knowing the kind of verbal knife that they are using to stab them with. It's serious shot to self esteem and self worth. I hope everyone can understand this and help make people aware or at least know that this is a problem. I know this was a very long post but thank you for being a real friend to me and taking the time to read it."

 

Yeah, it was really impressive for just a couple months off PMO for him to write that. But it can be embarrassing because society assumes it's the womens fault, like "is she having enough sex with you?" "she let herself go didn't she, that's why he has to use porn" etc.

If only everyone knew that he was turning me down for sex and watching porn... maybe they'd think twice. I mean, not to brag, but I am awesome in bed (most guys I've been with are highly impressed). So no, porn is not about the women lacking anything, it's about something lacking in the man.

And given the anorexia, not that I have to be anorexic to look good, but I knew I looked good on some level (guys constantly checking me out, giving me compliments) but still the anorexic mindset was, "lose just X more pounds and they will love you/find you attractive"

See I have an hourglass figure (ones many of my female friends have envied and even talked about trading body parts etc.) and I have a good waist, even in pregnancy, all the women commented on how I still had an hourglass figure. My boobs pre-pregnancy were 32 DD and now they are much bigger (hoping that as I lose the pregnancy weight they will go down too, it's just too much for me in my opinion). I have never had surgery on my body (but with post partum my god my self-esteem is at an all time low), but I have always had a "line of guys" as I've stated in my journal. So I really was hurt by the porn use, I was so shocked.

What is really confusing me is that my husband rejected me sexually while using porn (my body was healthy then, and very good looking) and during pregnancy and even post, all he wants is sex and to be cuddly and stuff. My mind is going, "you want me now? I feel like I don't look like myself or look good, and you want me now? Why not back when I felt I was hot?"

Porn addiction is so confusing sometimes as an SO, because even though I know it's not about me, my anorexia (ED) doesn't. I had an ED attack friday night and broke down crying about my body. But most days I get it, it's not about me.

Though it's hard when society and everyone else thinks it is about you, something you lack (whether sexual skill, creative, open, or just looks). It can really hurt.


And yeah, I read that thread about him fantasizing about your daughter. I am so sorry about that, I honestly couldn't imagine going through something so horrible. My husband only once clicked on teen and couldn't go through with watching because he was horrified, yet I am still triggered around any high schoolers, and when I was pregant I prayed for a son because I didn't want a daughter because of all this (though I always wanted a son prior, so we are happy that we had a son anyways).

I hope you and your husband figure things out, whether together or apart. This is a rough journey for both sides and I wish you and your husband the best of luck and support!

 

Huge props to Jak!!

 

I personally wouldn’t share over Facebook since that information could be used by people with malicious intent. People should always practice prudence when it comes to disclosures, so know your audience, environment, and think about how this information could negatively impact your loved ones and your obligations to them; this is something which is talked about in SA groups. In simple terms; Your SO needs to know your business, not everyone in the world.

 

How Much did he share?
Just the PA thing.... Or Everything?
Because true accountability is light on the whole problem.