my journal - need to deal with the pain and confusion

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by ClearChrystal, Mar 31, 2017.

  1. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    This is heartbreaking. It is extremely difficult to read. It makes me wish he would just stop and rescue you from all the pain and heartache. You are not wrong to want and wish and deserve better. Maybe he can overcome, if you see fit to allow him the space to do better. Most of us took a long time to truly become healed. In fact, most around here may not really be healed yet. Picture your life as you want it. Many will say leave and it's not worth it. But, if he is in your heart, then you will both be better and stronger if you are able to work through this. It's like getting back up and doing therapy from a major physical injury crash trauma -- slow, arduous, not without mini-failures, and always only worthwhile when completed.

    Your sentences are clearly raw and intensely personal as well as an honest representation of your true self. You are exactly someone that should be guarded and cared for along with your children. It's a travesty that these things happen and then it sounds like someone wants double the injury when preaching forgiveness. Yet, it's really the only way to heal. Not saying that you allow violations of your marital relationship. But, he can't really heal unless there is some sort of forgiveness along the path with an eye on a better life. Standard recovery metrics from the psych industry call for 3 to 5 years. That's a long long road.

    These things are difficult to face, the problem as well as the solutions. I'm not sure anyone else will chime in with this kind of information, and I hate to bear more bad news. Take care of your family and appeal to your higher nature.. the capacity of a wife to do what is best always amazes me. There is no way a husband deserves anything from a lady, but because you may see far more in him than today he is, then there may be a ray of light at the end of the tunnel, which can grow into a sunrise and then bright days of happiness.
     
  2. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    Yep. That's what I have been told by more than one professional.

    Hang in there, @ClearChrystal. It's a really rough day. It sucks. We've been there.
     
  3. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. You got me through last night and finally I could sleep at about 5am local hour. In the morning a a few hours later when everyone asleep I initiated and he responded . I just needed to do something, anything and smashing the flower vase on his head whilst in his parents house didn't seem even then as a good ideA. Was a quickie next to our sleeping kid but he responded well. Lots of hands doing stuff and intercourse but yes vaginal intercourse just doesn't work. Fair enough for now. Took ages to have him O with my hand (as usually) although he seemed present and keen and wanting to resume when we stopped as the kid stirred. Just a horny guy awaken from sleep. Very affectionate after as well which is new. Good day today with touching hands and all that affectionate subtle body language when you want to let someone know you're there but too many people around. I think what's driving me mad is not having the opportunity to have The talk here yet. I suppose he needs time to digest my email and that video and he can't ever say I am pushy about this for now. It seems like we're talking without words now but that's dangerous as the illusions can be huge and misleading. He's taking me on a date tonight to some live music gig here and that's new as well. I have brought with me from home the book "your brain on porn" andmaybe I'll give it to him Monday morning when he flies away again for 5days in another town. Then after that we return to our home in another country and ...yeah...good to have laid some foundation for the talk from here
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
  4. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Today we went for our date. We opted in the end for a quiet place without much loud music so we can talk and hang out. Lovely evening. I felt he was there and complimenting me here and there. He said just after we sat down for our drinks that before we start the evening he wants to let me know something. That he has read my email, and that he has watched the video the great porn experiment. And that now he needs some time to digest all of it as it's a lot. So please not forward him any links yet and let's not talk about it now because he feels unprepared and unsure. I said that's OK it makes sense since it took me a week to gather my thoughts and crystallise them in that (very) long letter. So I am Hoping too that when we have that talk it will be more constructive than emotional and more effective than me making him look like the bad guy and I'm a victim or anything that's too emotional. However during conversation the topic creeperd up and he said "you're really scared about Me and porn aren't you" . I said yes I'm really frightened about it but let's talk when we both ready. So we went down memory lane talking about the good times in the past, the holidays, the funny stuff. It was really soothing. Then he said again that if I am worried that porn will stop him loving me then that's not the case. We both agreed to stay away from the topic until both ready. It was our first night without the kid for about 8months _ and the ones we had before...we just went to movies so not much talking. Was feeling like a first date in a way. So hanging in there. I wonder whether I should still give him the book your brain on porn (he doesn't know I have got it) or really give him the time he needs to come back with an appropriate thought out answer
     
  5. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    That's a really good goal.

    Perhaps wait on the book, b/c you gave him some resources, and he said he wants to digest?

    I know I gave too much at 1st to my hub at 1st b/c I am a researcher and I am pushy. It can be over-whelming. But, hey, I'm not perfect and neither is he.

    Your date was a good thing!
     
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  6. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Umm thinking about it the only resources I gave him was an whatsapp msg about 3weeks ago with the link to then website yoirbrainonporn - which big doubt he registered.. then recently this past week I rattled the boat with the letter which mentioned porn addiction and why's think it is and the prospect of forwarding him some links... and the only "official information" is the link to the video 'the porn experiment'. I feel shut out here and the limbo is killing me.. he may choose to google some of the ideas I mentioned in the letter..or he may chose ton reflect on our marriage based on what I wrote. I am terrified of the hurt I will feel again and again.. my gut tells me now that he may choose first a middle way and in his mind genuinely thinking I am the problem,sexual and otherwise. He could just reason that it's all becAuse of me that he turned to porn (not true..he used it long before me and also paid for sex long before me).Might be my fears or my gut instinct I just don't want to be a pushover and to be tAken for granted. I am being so patient t but I am human too. It's just so hard. All the while feeling intensely deprived
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
  7. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    #1 - YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. This is echoed throughout this forum.

    It's life-shattering. Yes, that hard. The partner often goes through a range of up and down emotions and it's hard to feel normal at all. Yes, the deprivation hurts, too. For me - at least 15+ years of marriage which I feel was mostly lies, all the while, being deprived of the intimacy and love I deserved b/c my husband chose to direct his energies toward porn and prostitution instead of waking up and asking for help. I asked many times why we don't have more intimate times (as they were great earlier on in our marriage - we had a good sex life), and he always had excuses --- the most painful of which was that he had low sex drive. If he had low drive, then why so much porn and masturbation and then whores?

    It's tremendously painful for us spouses and SOs.

    ^^^This makes sense to me at least. Nothing really worthwhile comes easily. It sucks that we are victims to this, but now that we know, we have the option to stay and support our partner's slow steps to recovery, work on improving the communication in the relationship (sex addiction is an intimacy disorder), and then reaping the benefits of true intimacy as time goes on.

    Or - the option of leaving is there - but regardless, we still have to work to heal ourselves of this horrid trauma. It is real trauma.

    We are dealt the hand we are dealt. It's not fair to us, of course, but it's empowering to know we can do something about it.

    The ups and downs and raw emotions are hard. Hang in there.
     
  8. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    You know he is addicted. Masturbating in the bathroom at work IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR. Why I am saying this is to point out that he can't "decide" that he is not addicted. It doesn't work that way. The statement he made about "you are really worried about me and porn" is a statement of someone in denial. I know you are being patient and hoping he will take the initiative and have a break through himself. Hopefully he will, but in the mean time, don't doubt for a second that you know what you know. The addict's MO is all about smoke and mirrors, deflection and obscuring the truth.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2017
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  9. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    So. Short incidental talk as I felt emotional and must be the pregnancy hormones too. He says this is not the big talk but he thinks he is not addicted, he doesn't even use it every day (with a squirmy almost disgusted face expression). He says he had been addicted though about 3yrs ago (when I confronted him the first time and he said he stopped). Maybe he's one of those people whom don't get addicted?
    I didn't want to ambush him with asking then why this March on a Thursday during working hours your phone had saved cookies and gifs from a porn site. Rest was squeaky clean . Why those saved dates. Why no internet history. I'll save those for the time I am prepared to hear the worst.

    . He says I know he always took a long time to orgasm and sometimes it was vaginal too (yes a handful). And that yes he did give me a lot of oral sex himself back in the day (either I have selective memory ...I don't remember much of that). I kept threading lightly as the tone was defensive and I was in need of emotional reassurance too. He says that during the life of our kid we both have been complacent (I struggled with pnd and he is right about that, I admitted that sex was the furthest from my mind then). Then he offered that sometimes he wanted to approach me sexually but was afraid of me rejecting him (we did have it hard with an intense kid). That was nice to hear, as manyntimes I felt the same and I shared that. Kept my 'but''s to the side for now. He said he hasn't worked out why he became so complacent in the last year (life more relaxed if even incrementally) when he could have approached me. I admitted I was very resentful towards him buy unclear to all the reasons -part parenthood negotiations, part unfulfilled sexually). He says he hated me many times because of this and that. Sounds like a spiralling our of control cycle that TBH I was part of it. I asked about ED and other stuff .. mentioned this forum with people with identical experiences. I asked how he feels about me fancying sexually other men. So he says eventually let's not talk about it anymore, as he had said he hasn't thought about it properly, me to not push him now trying to convince him about this or that. I backed off saying thanks for the chat as I needed to talk about stuff and waiting for him to see what he thinks. But his conclusion was that he is not addicted, he thinks. Then I asked as a matter a fact as I could, then if he is not addicted, why doesn't he give it up for a week or two, and see how hard it is, what his body tells him to do,.observe his mind etc. It's a perfectly informative exercise and it can't harm him. Plus I'd feel better if I know no babes crossed his imagination recently. To which hevreplied with a vague nodding of head. ND body language that conversation was closed already
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2017
  10. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Feeling strangely calmer now. I feel I know how big the devil is. This means I can protect myself from it. I'm under no illusions that things are not as easy as he makes them to be. That's not to say it's just about his circumvention of truth. Perhaps because it gives me a sense of control , I accept to myself and to him that it does take two to tango and I wasn't there as much either in the last year's with the kid. Hence the sense of control that I can modify my destructive behaviours.
    But.
    But
    But
    I gave birth to his son. Had restorative surgery 8 months later when consultants figured it out that I needed it. He did approach me during those first months albeit gingerly . And I wasn't there (through the motions once ) and diverting another time.
    I had pnd
    I was all over the place and erratic...I mean not exactly someone enticing to take to bed.

    Yet if I think like that I'm shifting the blame on him, I am making myself the victim. I hate making myself the victim ..at a rational level I avoid it and work hard not to be one.
    Yet in my darkest moments I feel victimised. When I can't rationalise my thoughts I feel like an abandoned deprived little Bunny.
    I totally accept he might have struggled a lot too.
    But in any case, not watching porn for a while can't be that bad, if it's not such an issue, right?

    Today I have faith because the 'start' button has been pressed and communication seems open now, and my goal of not making him feel defensive and coming from a 'rational mostly..and mostly neutral " stAnce seems to have been achieved. He can however piss on my cornflakes now like many suggested and feel he's entitled to everything he wants and needs and is happy with me taking the blame. We shall see.
    Intimacy disorder.. this is the nut that needs to be cracked. But I can't do it alone. I feel the only way I can cope and help now for myself and the whole thing is if I forgive. But I don't want to forget I don't want to not have boundaries again. I feel freer if I forgive. More detached.

    But in all honesty now:
    -who admits he had a porn addiction (highly cathegorised videos..voyeur...additions of wanking at work... the lot) but he just fixed it? But all along he draws comfort from porn?. How can he say he had an addiction and because he knows his limits, he just stopped it and doesn't do it as much and is not addicted anymore? That's a contradiction in terms. Either it wasn't an addiction to him, and he just did it less.. or it was an addiction but ...not as hard to get rid off? I know when I quit smoking how hard it was. I still think of myself now as a smoker who chooses every day not to smoke!


    - he is not watching every day these days anymore.. that doesn't mean it's not an addiction.. it's just him justifying himself after a made up definition of porn addiction in his mind.
    -maybe if he didn't watch so much porn J his comfortable numbness during the years with our kid, maybe he would have had eyes and mental space for his wife. I can't be the saviour always. I mean I am human, if I go nuts I expect more from my partner than sulking and disappearing out of sight whilst he comforts his genitals. Maybe someone emotionally there and able to help me too?


    Deep breaths.
    I need to trust him when he says he is taking time to properly understand this and that he hasn't understood why it all went liken this. Historically he is a trustful person.
    I think I will smile amused if he takes a sweet long long time, life starts to pass by and unexpectedly some random conflict would appear...then to hear that he worked out what's going on , in the light if the recent conflict (e.g. it's my fault somehow).

    It's so good to write these ramblings down. I never thought it would help untangle stuff so much. I like an analysis or two and I go mad when things are confusing. I feel this is a good start for my mind at attempting to understand stuff.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2017
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  11. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    How I'll know for definite the pecking order in his mind between porn and me: in the past he had some anger issues displayed in our baby's vicinity. I expressed concerns (many things I tolerate but NEVER allowing an environment to emotionally duck up my child) . Talks talks talksndisxussions. He agreed very easily to my suggestion of doing some therapy to understand his anger as our talks never fixed that. He accepted the idea without any resistance , and paid money for it. He did a set of CBT and each time came home excited and enlightened and sharing with me what he learnt most of the time. He had an open mind about it.

    Yet when I mention porn and quitting... even temporarily.... it doesn't take money to quit porn... easy to give it a go,.right?
     
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  12. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    FinAlly some time alone! Good day today, focused hard on positivity and acting and feeling as if everything will be OK.
    Then it entered my mind: him in the hotel room for 3nights alone. No resolution (yet?) On whats happening next, because we didn't yet have The Talk as he needs time to digest everything. Him saying that he doesn't do it as much,only every few days so he thinks he is not addicted. But needs time to think why he became complacent in our mArriage.
    I feel mindf'cked. I feel confused. He gave me some info that I liked to hear but all vague and I know truth omissions.

    I just put my kid to bed wig all these raw feelings tumbling back again and and and and and felt so lonely of course and and and..... I took my phone next to my kid intending to browse a porn site. Sort of thinking if he can do it so can I. Feeling raw hurt thinking he'll do this tonight. I opened the browser and looked at first-page. Then I realised I feel so lonely and empty and needed the loo as well and here I am searching for any comfort I can get. I closed the browser, went to loo then had some food. I don't want to do this becAuse the whole point is fulfilling my needs and life the healthy way,as long as I can spot the healthy. I used porn in the past with my ex but entirely as a thing we did together and never on my own. What the f. I'm better than this. So masochistic to sit there and try to get some comfort most probably looking for something shocking to take my mind off things.
    I'm better than him!
    I'm better than the version of him that would possibly try to pull the wool over my head to keep his porn and a content wife .
    If he is my equal and my true partner then he'd possibly dig in the version of himself where he reflects at least half as much as Me and is motivated to have a good marriAge and to grow together.
    If he is my equal he would catch me when I fall too.

    I am ready to let go of him if he doesn't do real work about this. I never cheated or intently tried to hurt him and I always did my best to grow and learn together. I can't be frigging comforting myself with HA! Porn! Or get so emotionally detached that I cheat just to pamper my fragile ego now. I'll take my kids , it will be difficult logistic wise and emotionally for older kid. But I have to be gone out of this environment. Kids grow learning from between then lines of their parents psyches and I can't duck them up being in emotional rollercoasters all the frigging time. They deserve better than this. Will be hard for a while but then joy can be found
     
  13. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    It should definitely be your decision about whether it is ok to accept a violation of what you feel is the sanctity of your marriage relationship. Others may also chime in and assure you that it is not okay. Porn is not okay, and a husband looking at it is not okay. It is not okay for him to say he's not addicted, and act like occasional dalliances might be acceptable. So what if he doesn't want to call it an addiction? Your thoughts about him doing creepy crap at work is 100% correct. That's out of control behavior. Let's just say it's not an addiction -- who cares -- you don't care, you just want it to stop and stay stopped, not be treated to lies about it for years after he supposedly worked on it. I get that.

    This is not something an honorable man should do. Forget that I'm the messenger here and haven't always lived an honorable life, disregarding this very forum, we're all in school to become more honorable than we are. You clearly won't respect him if he's doing something like that, and I think that's reasonable and correct. I don't advocate leaving, but rather than getting spun out a lot in thoughts of planning logistics for leaving.. make sure you've communicated all of this to him. That's the best place to expend your current energy. Don't let him make you wait weeks and weeks. A day? Maybe. Until the weekend? Maybe. But, you requiring an actual -priority- investment is completely appropriate. If this matters to him enough, he'd take days off and start sorting it out. You leaving will turn the whole family upside down and then it would become a priority. What's wrong with having it be a priority right now. I feel like you'd be right to feel marginalized. A lot is being expected of you as the partner to someone recovering from a "problem" even if it's not an addiction. You can certainly expect in return a LOT to help maintain the relationship.

    In that vein, what you can rightfully say probably goes something like this: You are willing to dedicate your life to this man and to bear children for him and raise them and do all kinds of work with him in living a happy life. That dedication from you has a price, and that price includes among other things the fidelity of your husband. It includes managing his anger (which sounds addict-like, btw, in my own sad experience.) You did not get married for a happily ever after that has disgusting pornographic trash glued onto it. You want the pure, real, and proper dream of a husband who is only interested in you and actually shares all of himself with you and reserves no intimacy for other things real or imagined. No man is perfect, so your true expectation sounds like it is to work toward those things as goals.

    You may not require the reassurance and validation of the above, but it needs to be said. There is such a thing as right and wrong. Unfortunately, the reasoning you've been entreated to is essentially quite wrong, and subjugating a wife to that kind of treatment is also wrong. it's perfectly understandable, mind you, if you let him get away with it. But, the fact you tolerate something does not make it right. You seem like a very honorable wife. Planning a whole defection and abandoning of the man without just requiring him to have a respectful dialogue with you to solve a problem you identify about pornography.. there's probably a more honorable way the good wife in you can handle that part.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2017
  14. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this, it helps hold my horses. Yes that's it, I want and need that behaviour to stop as it hurts me beyond words (exactly that, dazzled and mast u r bat in looking at porn when I'm.there . No chance for intimacy). For whatever reasons he is doing it, it's his job to work out and if he needs my help to ask.me. buy I want it to stop. I love the guy he is admirable in many many areas in his life. But I want the porn to stop.

    If he asked me nicely to stop doing something because it hurts him, I would do it. AlwAys!


    Correction- I need it to stop in order to function like a loving wife and give my all
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2017
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  15. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    Yes - it's important to have some communication about all of this. Expending energy on planning what you need to say, and thinking about your boundaries and such could help you. Even if you write them out and then edit them before you two talk.

    And yes - if the marriage is important to him, if his family incl his wife is important to him, he will treat it as a priority and not continue to put it off.

    Yes - it's not good to make major decisions like this in times of chaos.

    I can't speak for your feelings, but when I found out, my mind and feelings were very chaotic, erratic, angry, full of rage, etc. (Which is normal for the wife/SO of a sex addict when they are blind-sided.)

    I think you are pregnant, too? (Forgive me - my memory isn't the greatest right now.) Anyhow, as an older woman dealing with major hormone issues right now (lucky me - lol) - hormones can absolutely enhance our emotions. Not sure if you have had hormone fluctuations in your pregnancy. Some women do, some don't, some women have problems with menopause, some don't. I'm not trying to blame this AT ALL on hormones. Just saying I know how my own issues with them has definitely affected my emotions. I can't help that - I do the best I can, right? It's not something we can completely control. I occasionally have to remind dear husband of the many issues I am facing b/c, after all, this is not just about HIM. Yes, he needs to be reminded of that b/c he (and many other sex addicts) are very self-centered.

    They CAN and DO improve IF they want to heal and recover, but it definitely takes TIME.

    Hugs to you. I feel for you. Your emotions are raw.
     
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  16. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Just wanted to chime in and say, this is NOT your fault. It doesn't matter how much your sex drive dropped after the birth of your son. You were not defective for that to happen- it's society's expectations that are defective. It is normal and natural for a new mother to not want to have sex, while she is caring for an infant. You felt that way because of the changes birth and nursing cause to your hormones, the same hormones that cause you not to ovulate. It is nature's way to ensure a woman is not going to get pregnant right away again, to give the baby the best chance of survival. Interestingly enough, studies have shown that fathers who effectively bond with their infants and spend time smelling the pheromones of their lactating partners, will experience a drop in the levels of testosterone, this is likely nature's way of making the sex drives of the mom and dad match more closely.
    If the man is exposing himself to the artificial mating stimulus of porn during this time, I can imagine it has detrimental effects on this natural design. It's pretty sad really. In retrospect, I've noticed a huge difference in the postpartum times from when my middle child was born. That was when my SO developed his addiction and started using internet porn regularly. He was very unsupportive to me, it was pretty bad at times, and he did not seem to be in the same mindset for bonding with the baby the way he had with our other two kids. :(
    Also you should ask him how he plans to deal with the stress and lack of physical intimacy when you give birth this time around....
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2017
  17. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Oh wow you've been though all that too. That's why I'm keen to rattle the boat very strongly now before the baby arrives. At any rate we should ideally have achieved some resolution ,genuine resolution, and peace of mind so we can give our all to the newborn, either way together or separate. It's not the baby's fault. He hinted jokingly BTW that he hopes I won't get PND this time around as it would make him lonely and withdraw - I replied PND is a mental health condition, not a fancy or a hobby I fancy to engage in. I'm hoping we will cover some mileage by end of June when the baby's due!
    I feel my wishes are crystallising more and more and I have to be careful not to ambush him. It just makes so much sense to not do porn and PMO at all . It's not about controlling him. It's about wanting intimacy and he ain't got no chance of even smelling what that is if he poeriodically comforts his numbness with PMO. No emotional growth no bonding can happen there. But it feels like guys are so sensitive about giving it up,as if you asked them to cut their jewelries and hand them to you!! So attached to porn! And the illusion that they're free and oh so male if they use it .
    I'll propose to him that as my body is high jacked by carrying his baby and I can't do the things I loved (running, getting back to life after first kid etc---- and yes it's possible i also love my unborn child!), then why doesn't he do this small 'sacrifice' of not using porn at all even for a while and see what happens during that time. God forbid, he may feel bored lost vulnerable angry ecstatic whatever and feel the need to share those feelings,that learning curve, with someone?
    It helps writing here. Because now I am immune to the idea that 'he loves me but it's my choice if I wanna leave and I'm also controlling '. It's quite clear now to my mind in what ways he can demonstrate his love. Be interesting to learn anew what his expectations for his wife are.

    I can't believe I was about to PMO myself tonight. The word porn entered my.mind way too much recently and it shows. I wonder whether he does it whenever he does it out of similar feelings of despair loneliness boredom hurt inability to express feelings, etc . We shall see
     
  18. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Feeling OK today. Still sick occasionally obsessing about him PMOing whilst away. I accept the timing of all.this now is maybe inconvenient as we're visiting relatives in another continent and he Also works away here. Most talk is on whatsapp and yes when he came at weekend we had a good time,out of pattern. But thisbweekend we return back home.
    He is a good man I really have faith in him. I realise I can only help ourselves as a couple if I focus now on trusting and having faith in his reactions and that he'll understand what I'm on about. If I don't hold this idea closely, I am on my way out - it just hurts too much.
    Also this stupid pregnancy.

    Today he was concerned on facetime that I looked sad although I pretended to be OK and cheerful (WTF can u talk about in a whatsapp combo). I liked that . It was soothing
     
  19. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Another whatsapp facetime call tonight. I called as i was consumed with the thought of him watching porn there. It's obsessive :-(. Well he wasn't .. but the point is that he seemed really 'there', not his usual 'sleepy now/ distant' self, and in a happy receptive mood, could see it clearly. Chatted about much random stuff ,.told me about his day at work in detail, had a laugh about some funny bits..it was fun. Last time he employed this sort of behaviour was when we were 'just hanging out' before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend--- a millennia ago!

    I feel today I have to have faith here. It's clear to me that I'm already ultra vigilant and I'm keeping the score under the table based on what I've learnt on this forum. But today I feel I have to somehow balance some positivity into all this angst and focus on our goof sides together as a couple. So it feels nice to see that trying to connect and just be relaxed together works. It would have been shyte if we somehow became awkward at that. To me that possibly shows mutual motivation in working things out.
    I consider him incapable of being a master at deceiving by putting on an ultra positive mask..his style of deceiving is mostly half truths, omissions, keeping . distance . He may be deceiving himself though if he honestly thinks and feels that his admitted addiction 3yrs ago just went away because he knew his limits. My argument to that is that he still used porn,and it stopped it from any attempt at becoming intimate with me. So porn has been at best, a really great distraction.
    He may be genuinely feeling that a bit of sugar makes the medicine go down, and how easy it is to have some harmony and connection if he just gives even a little shyt about it. But all the while occasionally seeing the porn. That's where my boundary lies, I genuinely cannot live a life dedicated to a partner who's taking even tiny breaks from me by investing his sensations and mental space Into porn. It's not even because of my principles/infact I had been relaxed about porn with the ex as was included in the sex. It's just because it bloody hurts so much, it hurts so bad. Tiny tiny betrayals daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. Tiny tiny betrayals because he made sure I had no idea his sexual energy went that way. Tiny tiny betrayals because at every "I miss you, let's spend some quality time together", he'd be cuddling me saying "but I'm here with you. Let's watch a movie or TV together.". Then after cuddling like flatmates we'd go to sleep usually me first. And he'd be watching porn to release his sexual tension. Porn might have nothing to do with me and his undying love for me whatever, but it affects me . And it has affected us historically.. I mean, it has.

    But anyhow... all this face timing each other works and sets a basis of trust for then we'll have The Talk back home. Suddenly by being nice to each other that talk doesn't sound so dooming.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2017
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  20. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    A depressed day. Didn't move. Luckily in-laws here to help with my toddler. Cried all day and incapable of even a smile. Tonight it's his last night alone for work and he's going for work drinks. Tomorrow he flies back to us then next day we all fly back home to Europe.
    I can't help it it's in my head and it's killing me today. All the "yes he said this BUT...it doesn't add up because of that" etc. It's absolutely killing me.

    I am tired and want to sleep early. I can't sleep if I know he'd pmo. We haven't even had the big talk. So there's Lee way for him. I want to whatsapp him before I go to bed with my kid to please not watch porn tonight because it upsets me more than I can say. It sounds like an outing the blue message as I've tip toes around the issue since I wrote to him and he made sure to let me know he needed time to digest my sayings. So he could say and think oh wife is so pushy and stressful... but I can't take it. So I'll whatsapp him asking to not use porn tonight and see how he responds. It's so hard.
     

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