This is heartbreaking. It is extremely difficult to read. It makes me wish he would just stop and rescue you from all the pain and heartache. You are not wrong to want and wish and deserve better. Maybe he can overcome, if you see fit to allow him the space to do better. Most of us took a long time to truly become healed. In fact, most around here may not really be healed yet. Picture your life as you want it. Many will say leave and it's not worth it. But, if he is in your heart, then you will both be better and stronger if you are able to work through this. It's like getting back up and doing therapy from a major physical injury crash trauma -- slow, arduous, not without mini-failures, and always only worthwhile when completed. Your sentences are clearly raw and intensely personal as well as an honest representation of your true self. You are exactly someone that should be guarded and cared for along with your children. It's a travesty that these things happen and then it sounds like someone wants double the injury when preaching forgiveness. Yet, it's really the only way to heal. Not saying that you allow violations of your marital relationship. But, he can't really heal unless there is some sort of forgiveness along the path with an eye on a better life. Standard recovery metrics from the psych industry call for 3 to 5 years. That's a long long road. These things are difficult to face, the problem as well as the solutions. I'm not sure anyone else will chime in with this kind of information, and I hate to bear more bad news. Take care of your family and appeal to your higher nature.. the capacity of a wife to do what is best always amazes me. There is no way a husband deserves anything from a lady, but because you may see far more in him than today he is, then there may be a ray of light at the end of the tunnel, which can grow into a sunrise and then bright days of happiness.