my journal - need to deal with the pain and confusion

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by ClearChrystal, Mar 31, 2017.

  1. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Need to start this. Times are hard in my mind. This is just a post to anchor it here. It's morning now and I woke up rested, after caffeine I feel more hopeful. Soon the dead inside and the vomiting feelings will start and I'll start to browse through here when I can and read accounts from 'rebooting','success stories$,' 'new to reboot$, SO forum. Then I'll probably cry a little when my kid naps,or late after he's gonna to sleep. All day with this shit in my mind.

    A few days ago I sent a letter to my husband about my feelings on his PA and what I think has to happen next. It was the first time I mentioned this theory of PA so not sure how it's gonna go- especially since he's working away for 2weeks(but meeting at weekend). I would have rather he was closer and read that but I couldn't bare the thought of him fapping in his work trip. As if he still doesn't do it,ha.
    Read the book 'your brain on porn'. I felt sick. It describes so much of my reality, our reality. Well now waiting for a follow up talk about my long email to him.

    Hi reactions since that letter have been 'promising'. But the hard work for me I sense is not to be hopeful to easily and believe what I want to believe. So since he's read thebketter and seen the video 'the great porn experiment' he didn't mention it to me. But contrary to the behaviour he have fallen in, we face timed me every night since then wanting to talk about random things ..small chat and just hang out on phone. He kind of passed that phase before our kid was born 2yrs ago so that's a change.
    Here I am.. biting my tongue and afraid to mention shit to him as I don't want him to get defensive..not until at least we are face to face. I hate arguing and arguing by typed word is even shittier.
    Last evening he had work drinks and called me to show me the live music there (Bob Dylan): knowing I love this stuff,and saying he wants to take me on a date this Saturday when he comes to us. That's again thoughtful behaviour not displayed for ages now. Also it can be covering tracks.
    He's not a talker and not the type inclined to any introspection unless pushed. But he had been saying that one of the qualities in our marriage is that I bring up stuff and help us analyse and talking though in such clear ways and that it's always better after that (he grew up in a family where everyone pretended everything was fine ---- didn't most of us though.. ha). I've had some therapy ages ago as a consequence of the failing of my first marriage and that gave me some tools to dig up stuff in constructive ways. But I'm no therapist I'm no psychologist. And I don't want to be that in our marriage .
    He also said last night that he'd like to have another baby. We have a 2yrs old and the second one due in June (big mistake to me...I was never keen but he was).. now he says maybe we should have another ?. LOL that's just distracting behaviour. I think he thinks this is one of the things I might wish for,or he translated having a family with him with a good marriage,so he's like 'let's cement this once and for all'. It did make me laugh that idea. A bitter laugh. I feel cynical and sick. But again I couldn't challenge him on that as I hate discussing serious stuff when not face to face.
    I'm trying hard to rationalize things. The PA theory helps. It also breaks my heart. I'm making a conscious effort every moment to not imagine and obsess about his sneaky porn sessions. But it's hard to not remember, to forget. I don't know what hurts more. Him glaring at those women or him just not comprehending that it's hurtful to me.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
  2. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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  3. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    This is good. Keeping your thoughts like this will be helpful to you if he tries to sweep this under the rug. I don't want to be pessimistic but you are likely onto something with your suspicions that he is just saying and doing things right now to attempt to become that loving husband he knows you want right now. But if he is addicted and from what you say about recognizing him in the research you have read, he is, then fundamental changes will not happen simply from him "being aware" and trying to reverse the changes P and addiction have made to his personality without actually stopping the addiction.
    I believe my SO tried this for about half a year after his initial reboot attempt in dec 2015. He know P was bad and how it was effecting him and his views on reality, but he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wasn't ready to let go. So he (unconsciously) hatched a plan to "cut down" and then try to put in the effort to "be" the best husband and father he could, while still basically being addicted to porn. It didn't work. No major changes or breakthroughs happened to him or within our relationship untill he got some actual distance between him and the dopamine addictive activities- porn, porn subs, fantasy and M. It is also NOT a sustainable solution. He WILL go back to exactly where he is now and then progress to even worse. Take my word for it, I was fooled once, save yourself the pain or having to basically go through all this again somewhere down the road when his attempt to "handle it" isn't working.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2017
  4. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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  5. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Thanks do much. That's exactly my goal here, trying to not be fooled or distracted again,at the very least by my wishful thinking - it's probably the hardest thing to do as well..wishful thinking even half validated is soothing... and it creates another vulnerability.. him possibly threatening me that "the bliss" he is cooperating on achieving now with some kindness and dinners is ruined by me not buying into his (possible) distracting ideas and just not letting this devil go (hence 'nagging'). I really am assuming the worst, it's the only way I can draw strength... realistically I think I should be elated with hope when hundreds of days passed without porn and he connects emotionally to me in that genuine intuitive way that comes from having the space in the mind for caring about someone...
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
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  6. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    You are a smart woman :)
     
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  7. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    He just gotta read that damn book ! Your brain on Porn.. after that it will make it easier for me to do the cold thinking. There is a real possibility he will ,like many, accept the theories in the book and recognise them happening with himself. Could be a genuine awakening at least at a rational level, like so many here achieved. Then the hard work begins. But he could also just dismiss the book and like some of you suggested, just try to superficially appease. I'll have a clear picture of his intentions once he reads that book /or pretends to read it,or whatever. TBH I had a good day today and felt rested and being here Much of the time helps digest stuff. I think I'll have to try my absolute hardest to wear the Pragmatic Thinking Hat at this stage. Motivated to kick a$$. I also feel lucky I experienced pretty good sexual lives before meeting him. It wasn't the sexual compatibility or only that.. it was the whole attitude towards sex with a human being. Hell.. if a man needed sexual release then, masturbating on photos and glimpses of cousins' breasts would only have achieved so much.. he'd have been grateful for a vagina...any vagina (if heterosexual). Macabre joke, but we all know those jokes about loony farmers who do their goats as no women around. In places pal can't watch porn they even turn to homosexual sex... And Here I am with a guy who blew me off at an Intellectual level, seemed to get the essence of me, have had glimpses of frigging amazing sex (yannow...eyes open and love statements and all that during the act) , is a wonderful father to my kid (mostly but still!), and share the same stupid sense of humour. Yet he isn't bothered for a vagina..or a human body! HE doesn't like touch... forget romantic sex if even once a decade just to please the woman..!! The low natural sex drive doesn't wash with me when you have a huge collection of categorised porn and when you are tired when your wife touches you but late in the night you browse porn.

    He is not cheating... always home straight after work..Infacf I encourage him to join his work parties and reassure him I'll be fine at home with the kid.... it's just not on. Just liek someone else said in here, I wish it was cheating.. at least that would have been a person with flaws and all.. not hundreds of airbrushed perfect bodies and hair that don't ask anything of him.


    Interestingly ..because I'm frigging Sherlock Holmes the detective now.. when we tried to conceive out first, there was a steady sturdy erection every bleeps single night during those ovulation windows of a few days... I didn't wonder then why he wasn't refusing me or saying he was tired and sleepy whenever I touched him in that way... well the man had a plan to procreate and he knew he ain't gonna get there if he masturbated in the toilet at work. At least during that time. I never bleepy thought of it. I guess today I feel calmer and stronger and therefore the indignation surfaces. It's also probably the effect of not having seen eahnother for 2weeks. So not many daily triggers for me
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
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  8. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    JUST discovered a new email address of his that I wasn't aware of. Created on March last year. He did have one of these back in the day for his porn paid subrsciptions on voyeur sites. I'll see if he mentions this in any conversations when I prompt him. This is sickenjng
     
  9. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    When an addict starts to come clean they may not instantly reveal everything they've been doing secretly. It's going to be like peeling back layers of an onion. Addicts have lived a lifetime of secrecy and they weave this around themselves like a cocoon. It will take time to shed those layers. Those behaviors become second-nature. There is fear and vulnerability in each secret they share. An addict needs to learn how to be honest and truthful... both with themselves and with their SO.

    Disclosing his secrets is going to be a dance between too much and too little information. Some people will gush and some just dribble out information. It is up to the SO to decide if they are hiding or lying by omission. Addicts may tell all the major stuff but not disclose the smaller details... maybe those details are important to the SO than the addict realizes. Again, it's up to the SO to figure out their intentions.

    Listen with a clear head and save the emotional responses for a separate, follow up conversation. Somewhere deep inside addicts lose faith in people and one bad response can validate all their fears about disclosing. Yes, they should be open and honest no matter how the SO responds and the SO is totally entitled to whatever reaction they have. In the beginning there is going to be a dynamic of revealing a secret and and then processing it. Every time the couple safely address a sensitive issue it will give the addict more faith and confidence to continue opening up. The end goal is reconcile not punish.

    SO's need to be careful what they ask and think about if they really want to know the answer. SO's can't un-ask a question or un-know the truth. There is the tendency to want to know everything and end up being kiled as if by a thousand paper cuts. Knowing too much can make the SO view their partner as if they're a spoiled piece of meat that can never be redeemed. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye, but there are dangers of knowing too much unnecessary details.

    Waking an addict up from their 'coma' was one of the most important steps addicts needed to take. The next big step will be how they handle 'The Talk'. I hope yours is productive and healing.
     
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  10. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    This is a good. Just talking is increasing intimacy.

    The disclosure 'by drips and drabs' is very harmful to a wife or SO, b/c it prolongs the "coming clean process" --- but we have no control over that, sadly. Sigh.

    I understand your pain. It's horrid.
     
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  11. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Help me someone. It hurts so bad. No on to turn to. Just laying here by my kid I can't stop crying for 1hr and. Half now I don't know what to do just wanna die
     
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  12. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I can imagine how the dribs and drabs would be more painful. Every conversation could be another source of trauma. For discussion sake, is it possible to get it all out on the table in one conversation? Or is that simply not feasible?

    The follow-up conversations I had with my wife were uncomfortable for me an surprised her and maybe even hurt her. But even when she didn't like the answers she saw that I was being truthful and those answers, although ugly, were what reestablished trust. The fact that I was willing to give answers that humiliated me raised her estimation of me. Does the success/failure of the dribs and drabs method depend on the strength of the SO or the size of the secrets that are being withheld?
     
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  13. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    I discovered that alone. Have access to his gmail as a co sequence of my phone breaking and finding one of his already set up on a gmail add. I scrolled down in that inbox and found confirmation of creating another email address
     
  14. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    It's not even about that address. It's the whole thing. I can't
     
  15. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I just noticed how much you are hurting today. It's ok to feel bad or feel tired and weak. Some days you will have the strength to battle anything. Some days you just need to survive. Don't give up hope. Your husband had a good response to your email and looks forward to seeing you soon. I believe better days are ahead for both of you.
     
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  16. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    His phone is pictured squeaky clean..no browsing histories. But he has about 5 browsers installed. He's a techie. Also lots of streaming apps and video converters (converters..not converter) ..torrent apps etc etc and apps that create secret files ...things that a normal.person with a phone just won't need. Access to servers... huge SD cards.. I looked whilst he's asleep.. and yes squeaky clean apart from 2 small catches photos from a site all about teens, accessed at the beginning March. Fair enough we were all in a daze then . Pleased to say he has downloaded and saved that Gary Wilson the great porn experiment video. No change of talking tonight as lots of family, he arrived very late (Asian time ATM) and we sleep with our kid.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
  17. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    In my moments of madness and despair it crosses my mind to contact one of my exes _ someone who's always expressed his love for me but I couldn't reciprocate in that way (I liked weird guys heh). That guy literally helped me with logistics through two break ups . He organised my moving vans helped me to search for flats to rent , brought me food lol, and requested nothing of me. The best memory is when he brought me a lamp as a present as the light weren't working in the flat I was renting. My bestie told me then that's a man to look for, who brings you stuff for the home that you need lol, not like the rest of the ducks coming with a bottle of alcohol flowers and whispering sweet nothings. This guy never made a forced move on me. Infact, he took me to everywhere in London, made me discover music, was alwasy, alwasy listening.. Just told me he loves me and hopes one day I see it. I didn't feel the same and I never led him on so we have a platonic friendship. Many a time I thought about contacting him (facebook says he's single ATM-even He he wasn't ...) just for some soothing time. Not sex, just a shoulder to lean on. Or maybe sex too. At home I am not needed in that way. Maybe I can drown my pain now. But it's not about replacing a man with another. I cannot bring myself to do it. I know the moment I contact him it is sealed that I lost my faith in my husband. Many times I opened facebook with that thought of saying a hi to that man. But I just can't. My husband would be hurt. I never wanted to crash his dreams. Yet I have to take care of my psyche the best I can. I wish I could just contact that guy. Even tonight I opened the messenger about 7 times. It's not fair on my husband if I do it.. not until I see what he has to say and what his position is about the porn and me. It is so hard.
    Plus I'd be using that guy and that's taking screwed up to another level.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
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  18. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Oh. The catches photos from that website with teens have been accessed on a Thursday working day... between 5pm and 6pm... good old toilet cubicle at work her! He works office hours 9 to 6 Monday to Friday... guess he is also fapping between tbose hours too. I feelnsuch an idiot. You really.must think your wife is stupid or some shallow piece of inconvenient child carrier if your eyes dazzle at teens on the net in a toilet cubicle at work

    It's almost 4am here and bloody hot as we're visiting India, 41 Celsius in day and not much less at night. Great for a pregnant woman. I dug my hole we all do.. I just don't see yet how I managed to trap myself in such intricate ways. Not many deserve this mindf,ck I don't think
     
  19. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    It hurts. It fucking hurts to your core. I hear you. I understand. I am so sorry :(
     
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  20. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Also remember it's not about you. It's him. In reality what he is doing is fucking pathetic. He is a grown ass man, acting like a fucking pervy teenage boy, playing with himself in a bathroom stall....... just think about that for a minute. I can't think of much of anything that is more pathetic than that. It is a reflection of him, not of you
     

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