My Book Of Life - Chapter 5

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by IamGold, May 21, 2018.

  1. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry for what you're going through still. Relapses are so painful no matter what their 'reasons' are for them. It sometimes does make it seem that they've chosen addiction over recovery...and over healing their relationships as well.

    I'm so happy for you that you've started school again, though. I think your new outlook is great, and you won't regret putting yourself first. Stay strong. Even though I know it's still difficult sometimes, you're doing great. :)
     
    IamGold likes this.
  2. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I'm convinced that it does not only seem so but it is so in our case.:(
    Thanks! I'm happy too. This is such an important step towards finally being able to feel good about myself and my life.
    There's nothing that can stop me now.
    It's wonderful to hear people's encouragement. That's a huge part of what keeps me going:emoji_heart:
     
  3. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Soooo...
    In the series of great and wonderful things SR has done recently:
    He MOd / PMOd 6 times during the twelve hours from Thursday evening to Friday afternoon.
    After (and before) he confessed his deeds he's been keeping a low profile. Mainly hiding in the kitchen.

    It's been a year since the first Dday. One full year and he's still pulling crap like this.

    I didn't feel like being understanding and merciful. After all, that's all I've done for the past year...and beyond! It's not like our problems started when the first Dday happened.

    For years he's given me the cold shoulder, acted like I was the worst thing that's ever happened to him, ignored my needs and feelings and been unavailable to me mentally, emotionally and physically. I've had only minimal to no support at all from him when I've needed it...in anything. On the contrary, he's made all my hardships even tougher to deal with by inflicting more hurt.
    Like when I severed ties to my alcoholic, abusive parents he wasn't there for me when I needed to grief and then made some sort of an issue for himself and started his drama because he felt uncomfortable facing me when I was sad. I still, to this day haven't gotten any support from him on this, and I've tried to deal with losing mum and dad in silence.
    Or the time when we finally made the heartbreaking decision to stop trying for a baby and settle for a childless life, I told him I needed one week to eat cake on the couch and just cry the years of pain and disappointment out. He baked me a cake, which was a lovely gesture, but then forgot about it all and after a couple of days, he was starting fights with me as usual over stupid stuff. After a year or so, he told me he didn't want a baby in the first place.

    We haven't made love in years. Sex is not the same thing. First, the lovemaking reduced into sex and then even the sex stopped. There was no notable action for two years before Dday#1. It was due to his PIED and lack of overall intimacy in our relationship. There was some sex only occasionally, and it was only a race to an O and not a real connection. Since the first Dday one year ago he's tried to do the 90day hard mode and that has meant a 90day celibacy for me too... only it's turned in to a year!
    I haven't felt him inside me for one whole year. He's given me oral (approx 10 times), but it's not satisfying for me in the long run. I can't wrap my naked body against his and feel the deep connection while he's down there. I want to "melt" into oneness with him but it's not happening.
    There's a deep hurt there. Having to beg for sexual intimacy (or at least any sexual attention for that matter) as a woman has been unspeakably humiliating for me.

    There's a huge amount of old anger, resentment, and bitterness between us.
    Both ways.
    Resorting to PMO and not talking things out with me he's only generating new anger. I usually can see he's gotten his panties in a twist about something, but I have no idea what it is and he won't tell me. He then lets it grow and fester inside until it's so huge even he himself can't make any sense of it. Then, his only option anymore is to blindly hate me for something....anything.
    After that, it's hard to forgive me even when I change for the better.

    And I have changed.
    I've grown and become a better wife and overall a better person during this year.
    • I'm not controlling anymore...I've become very laid back towards him and I let him do things in his own way.
    • I'm not demanding absolute perfection anymore...Mistakes are expected in life and they are a chance to grow. Perfection might not mean the same to him as it does to me. It's subjective. And he might not strive for perfection at all personally.
    • I don't rage anymore, use toxic words, become violent...There was a period of time when I let my feelings control my actions. I've taken full responsibility and still am for my behavior. I've apologized and discussed it extensively with SR. I completely stopped that behavior in July. I know it's still fresh and I caused a lot of damage, so I don't expect SR to be over it yet. Making amends for it is an ongoing process.
    • I'm not acting tough and cold anymore...Physical touch makes him feel loved so I make sure to cuddle with him on the couch, hold his hand while we walk, hug and kiss alot...etc. I'm not building walls around my vulnerability anymore, so I've opened my heart to him bravely, showing my soft insides.
    • I've stopped acting like a victim and blaming him for my unhappiness...I'm unhappy, but there are a lot of factors that have led to that. It's my choice what I do and what kinds of decisions make. I have to bear the consequences of those decisions. He is not a good husband, but he doesn't have the power to stop me from being successful in life and doing things to reach my goals. It's a struggle, but not impossible.
    I feel like I've progressed in leaps and bounds, but I just don't see him growing that much.
    I've seen a slight change in the way he conducts himself during serious conversations. He doesn't stonewall or withdraw as often, but it still happens. He has also been more open towards his friends and family and owned stuff to them and to me. These are good changes, but unfortunately, there are lots more I need to be happy and forgive.

    After his last confession, I calmly explained that I'm starting to reach a point where I simply don't care anymore. I said I don't want to be with him anymore and if I could, now is the time I would choose to leave.
    I can't physically leave, but emotionally it's already happening.

    Our conversations have been friendly but superficial since.
    I no longer feel scared of losing him. In my mind I already have, and I'm starting to come to terms with it. I don't feel like I need to shut down and pull my guard up, so I'm not keeping the conversations light intentionally. At this point, I'm just not going to take the initiative anymore.
    I'm open to serious/deep conversations and I guess I'm expecting them in a way, but if it doesn't happen I accept that too.

    There's still resentment between us, but it exists underneath the surface.
    If SR is scared or unwilling to take action it won't go anywhere and our situation will remain unchanged.

    SR keeps on choosing PMO instead of a meaningful relationship with me. And as long as he's doing that it will be impossible to try and work things out.
    There are many things in my life that I have control over, but that's not one of them.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2018
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  4. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

    918
    1,423
    123
    WOW ! That’s a lot for anyone to handle when you are trying to build/repair a relationship. I’m so sorry he’s not working on the relationship more . You seem like you are moving in the right direction for your own healing . It’s so hard for me to work on my healing . I dunno why , like I think I have and then I’ll want to check up on him . We’ve started “ checking in “ instead lol
    Do you still want children ?
     
    IamGold likes this.
  5. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I would agree with you that he is clearly choosing addiction over recovery for himself and your marriage. It seems like maybe he is somewhat rationalizing his behavior by thinking at least he's being honest with you about it now instead of hiding/lying. And, it may also be partly because you're doing so well with your self-improvement efforts. I'm sure he sees your progress, and he knows that he isn't putting forth the same effort for himself or you.
    This is so hard, I know. I'm sorry you're going through this. When you get no support at all from the one person who should be giving you the most, it's heartwrenching. It makes you feel emotionally isolated. Abandoned. Unfortunately, I think that being cold, unsupportive, and evasive is a common PA trait. Their selfishness is unbelievable at times.
    I think this is just his PA way of dealing with things...it's easier to say he didn't even want a baby than to deal with pain/reality of not being able to. Of course, that makes it even more painful for you, though. :(
    This...I understand exactly what you're saying. You have an unfilled need for intimacy, for closeness, that emotional connection that marriages should have. And, the situation also creates another huge void...you need to feel desired, to be wanted by your husband. I think all wives need/want to feel that in their marriage. But, their PA robs us of all of these things and leaves us feeling empty and unworthy.
    This shows his lack of desire for recovery, IMO. He continues to feed to addiction, and in the PA way of thinking, he somehow blames it on you. He doesn't have to forgive you...his addiction is not your fault. The fact that you are changing for the better feeds in to his self-pity, and it also reminds him of how he isn't changing himself for the better.
    You have and still are progressing by leaps and bounds! I wish that your efforts were being matched by his, but as you said, that's not in your control. You don't have to let that hinder all the great, positive things you're doing to get yourself established on the right path for you. I'm so proud of you for everything you're doing. You're an inspiration for other SO's who may feel there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going, and stay strong.:)
     
    IamGold likes this.
  6. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I'm starting to wonder if I have too much on my plate. Maybe when I get used to studying again it will get easier. I'm hoping it does. I appreciate your empathy:)
    I've pretty much gotten over not being able to have kids and I'm finding some really good sides in childless/childfree life. So no, I don't want kids anymore. I still occasionally feel nasty stings of regret and sorrow about it when I'm feeling sad about other stuff. I guess I'll always carry the loss to some extent.
     
  7. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I couldn't have said it better myself. At this point though, I'm fed up trying to understand his reasoning and hearing him talk about it. We are not moving forward because he's stuck on the part where he explains himself. He just keeps on explaining why he did what he did over and over again and why it was wrong. I'm 99% certain he will lapse again in the near future and then explain more after. And then again and again and again...
    It is unbelievable. The sad part is that I'm starting to care less and less. As my husband, SR absolutely should be the one who I can count to have my back. Always. But he doesn't and I can't force him. There's not much choice for me but to stop hoping.
    I share your opinion on this. He keeps on messing up in our relationship but can't face the idea of it being his fault...so it must be mine. I agree that he doesn't have to forgive me for that because there's nothing to forgive. But I've done some huge mistakes in the past myself like the controlling, demanding perfection, being toxic and violent, acting tough and acting like a victim. Those are the things I was referring to. He's holding on to the anger and feeding it more by PMOing.
    I know and it feels great!:) About the part of not letting him hinder my growth.. It's haaaaaaarrrd! I feel like I keep on climbing the ladder and he keeps on attempting to yank me down. So it's a constant struggle. I'm losing a lot of my already limited energy kicking his hands away from my ankles.
    Thank you:):emoji_heart:
     
  8. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Just a quick update:
    I came home last night feeling exhausted from all the classes and sad for the state of my marriage.
    SR had read some of the advice I've written on the forum to other people and told me it resonated with him.

    He said he wanted to discuss things with me and at first, it felt like he only wanted to repeat the same old excuses and promises I've heard so many times before.
    I was annoyed and didn't really want to take part in the conversation at first, but then he moved on to describe how he thinks I must be feeling. He was surprisingly accurate and insightful when he spoke about it. I started to feel a bit choked up at that point.
    He told me in great detail how he's ready to embrace the discomfort of owning up and carrying the burden and gave me a sincere heartfelt apology for not doing so earlier. He told me he understands the pressure I've been under and finally gave me credit for how well I'm doing. As he proceeded to tell me how I'm the most intelligent, beautiful and amazing woman he's ever known I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.
    I've NEVER seen such openness, sincerity or courage in him. Not even when we started dating. Never.
    There was no sign of the usual tenseness, vagueness or helplessness that I'm so used to. He was calm, assertive and warm.
    He checked all the boxes.
    He was my hero *swoon*

    Now. I still have my reservations. After all, he's let me down more times than I can count.
    But I saw such great determination in him that it gave me a whole new chunk of hope and strength.
     
  9. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    That is great news! How nice to finally feel more understood and appreciated. I hope he continues to open up and things keep moving in this direction for you guys. :)
     
    IamGold likes this.
  10. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I've been unbelievably busy with studying and party planning. I honestly haven't had a chance to even dream about unwinding or having any me-time in over two weeks and I'm starting to get really tired. ...I feel depressed.
    Things with SR have been ok. He's been supportive(ish) and I've felt that we've been somewhat progressing for the past days.
    I've found that I'm reluctant to write here when things are good between us.
    I know he sometimes reads this journal and I feel that if I express my contentment "out loud", I somehow jinx it.
    He has a habit of relaxing too much and letting everything go after he hears that he's made me happy. He's like: "I succeeded! Now I don't have to try anymore."

    I have no clue what happened yesterday and what lead to it, but it quickly became very clear to me that in his mind, it was the time to flush all the progress we've made down the toilet and stop trying.
    Things had been just fine between us before I got off class in the evening and started heading home.

    I was exhausted after a long day and I missed my bus. I had to wait for the next bus for half an hour in the pouring rain wearing ballerinas, so when I called him, I didn't sound happy.
    We were talking and I was complaining about my situation. I hate waiting so I asked him to tell me nice stories to pass the time.
    That's when things started to go bad.

    He somehow took the blame for not being entertaining enough and started apologizing and acting codependently.
    I tried to explain that I didn't mean it like that and that there's no need for apologies.
    I also pointed out that he's being codependent and that we've both agreed to stay away from that kind of attitude.
    He went on trying to make excuses for the way he was acting and trying to make me think that I had misunderstood (gaslighting).

    All of a sudden the same ancient, damaging patterns were back between us and I realized that I'm getting sucked into it too.
    I wanted to nip it in the bud so I told him that his behavior makes me irritated,
    I'm fed up of repeating the same conversation day after day and year after year,
    and will not take part if he decides to continue.
    He said that he agrees and doesn't want to repeat the old pattern either.
    At that point, I felt so uncomfortable tired, worried and annoyed, that I wanted to end the call so that I wouldn't make matters worse by taking it out on him.

    I got home and he wanted to talk some more.
    He started with more excuses and when I wasn't happy he proceeded with letting me know that by being tired after my day I had discouraged him and made him confused on how he should act.
    I got angry and told him that I have a right to be tired and that it's his problem if he feels negatively because of that.
    He replied that I should understand that he's tired after his day too.
    I couldn't find the strength to be constructive anymore, so I spat out something like "Apparently you're the only one who gets to express ANY negative emotion. Maybe I should just quit school so I can be happy and completely stress-free for your convenience." Then I stormed inside to change my wet clothes.

    He followed me and kept on going altering between accusations and excuses.
    At one point, I asked him angrily: "Is life with me really that awful?", and he shouted back: "YES!!! BEING WITH YOU IS GRUELLING AND SHITTY!!!"
    .....................
    I thought that I had shown him that I'm fair and understanding. I do demand certain things, but I also follow the rules myself and try my hardest.
    Hearing him shout the words felt like throwing knives flying across the room straight to my already wounded heart.
    After a while, he started apologizing and telling me that he didn't mean what he said, but I didn't want to listen anymore. I didn't want to talk, or try, or even exist anymore.
    I just wanted to be left alone to watch funny cat videos or eat a kilo of chocolate. Anything that would have made me feel comforted and help me keep it together.

    I couldn't sleep much so my whole body feels like it's been run over by a truck.
    His face full of hatred towards me keeps flashing in my brain. Followed by imagined pictures of him lusting over seductive porn actresses, fantasizing he's fucking them and thinking that they're superior to me.

    For the past week, I've been carrying shimmering chunks of hope, trust, and confidence on my palm, but last night they all turned to black ash and slipped through my fingers.
    Today he's going to have a one-on-one meeting with a woman who he's used as a sub and I just can't... I don't know what I can't... but I just can't.

    O63CAgu.jpg
     
  11. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry that things turned around again. That was a really mean, thoughtless thing for him to say to you, whether he said it in anger or not. You can never un-hear those words now, and it just adds to your trauma and pain.:(
    I don't think they realize (or sometimes care about) the severity of damage caused by their angry, hateful words, especially when shouted at you during a highly emotional moment. The wounds they leave are deep and painful, and they're bound to leave scars.
    This...? I'm not sure I understand , but it seems to be a bad situation no matter what. I wish I could say something to make you hurt less. Dealing with all of this is awful ...there's no nice way through it. I know it's difficult, but try to keep focusing on you and the things you're doing to better yourself. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs.
     
    IamGold likes this.
  12. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    It was work related.
    The people he's fantasized about are always going to be there. They are my close friends and his colleagues and there's no way he could avoid them forever.:(
     
  13. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Finally, I have some time to relax and write.
    A lot has happened again.
    I've been so stressed out working non-stop trying to finish all the decorations and menus and everything for my friend's birthday party AND there were four exams at school during the past two weeks.
    On top of everything, things between me and SR escalated even further from what I wrote the last time.

    After he said that being with me was shitty there was a two-day cease-fire and we made up superficially.
    I was keen to discuss our situation but he was being defensive and talking with me irritated him, so we didn't really get anywhere.
    I pushed him and eventually, he said that he has never really loved me or felt empathy for me. That I've never been anything more than another whore to him.
    .......................

    I was numb.
    I felt completely lost.
    .......................
    For the next days, he seemed relaxed and completely untroubled by everything.
    He must have seen I was hurting badly, but just didn't care.
    He was talking with everybody on the phone laughing, babbling to our cat, doing his hobby enthusiastically, reading with a content expression on his face...
    I couldn't believe he seemed so happy.
    He not only said that I don't matter to him but now he was showing it to me with every fiber of his being.

    As the days went past, the sadness I felt took over me.
    It all was simply too much for me.
    I felt completely mind fucked. I don't know how to express how unreal my world became and how crushed and defeated I felt.
    I became completely unable to even function. It was bad. I felt like it was too much effort only to exist, so eventually one night I ended up curling in the bathtub in the pitch-dark bathroom, shaking and sobbing.
    I know this sounds overly dramatic and silly but at that time all my past and present traumas flooded my mind.

    As a kid, I used to hide in my closet and sit there sobbing for hours when my drunk mother had verbally abused me.
    I've never really felt safe in my life until I met SR.
    I had never had that one person who provides me with that healing love and security.
    So I cherished SR and our marriage.
    Only to find out that the ten years of our marriage have been a sham.
    That I've never been good enough for anybody.
    That in my parents' eyes, I'm a disappointment and nuisance....and in my husband's eyes, I'm nothing but a whore who he's gotten bored of.
    So they all abandon me at the end.

    ............

    Eventually, I got out of the bathtub and once again we made up. But again, only superficially.
    I was still hurting badly and he was still keeping his distance. And as it turned out later, he was once again resorting to PMO.
    Our next therapy session was in two days and it couldn't have come at a better time.
    We were able to find some common ground and talk about some of the issues that were raised during the crisis.
    In the evening we discussed some more and SR was being evasive and irritated.
    I called him out on that and told him that I'm not angry, but I don't see a point continuing the discussion anymore. As I was leaving, he suddenly stopped me and just started crying.

    In a matter of seconds, he was bawling his eyes out and at first feeling sorry for himself, but then starting to show empathy and remorse for how he had made me feel.
    I've never seen him collapse like that. Ever. It was like a dam broke inside his brain and everything just came pouring out.
    I showed him some empathy and it just made him cry more.
    I know he hasn't felt safe enough with me before to let his feelings show, but I think now when I've apologized for my toxicity and raging and shown him that I've changed it's starting to pay off.

    I stumbled across Maslow's hierarchy of needs in my psychology class the other day and it was like a light bulb went on over my head. maslow-hierachy-of-needs-min.jpg

    The idea is that the needs lower on the pyramid have to be fulfilled in order to be able to fill the higher needs.
    Personal security is pretty low on the scale.
    His childhood was rough. He didn't have security then and he has felt he has to be tough around me too since I was so weak when we met (I was in a hospital recovering from deep depression).
    He's partly held on to that image of me and partly seen me become increasingly angry and hostile towards him (especially during the last few years).
    No wonder he's had a hard time finding connection and intimacy with me.

    It feels like we're finally taking small steps toward the right direction.
    We've had many deep conversations and he's wanted to have them. He's started to show me that he cares for me and for the first time ever I'm able to say that he's trying his best to work things out with me.
    So far (for about 5 days) he's been very active, consistent and focused (which is new).
    I'm still a bit cautious not to get too excited about this since it hasn't been that long, but things seem new and different. In a good way.

    We agreed to start building a new foundation for our relationship and I'm happy that we're on the same page that there's a huge amount of work ahead for both of us.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

    918
    1,423
    123
    I just first want to say that those were HORRIBLE things for him to say to you . My SO was emotionally stunted from the PMO . It’s taken 18 months to actually get him to use his words AND have the feelings match up . I started giving him exercises to create better ways to feel emotions . That actually was a bigger part of recovery for him . If he could see and feel what the PMO has done to us /me , he’d be able to help me heal . If your SO is using it’s not likely the he CAN feel the feels . They are covered over with a thick goo of shame ! Xo
     
    IamGold likes this.
  15. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Things have taken an interesting turn.

    To recap the four weeks that have passed:

    week 1:
    • We made a pact that we'll try really hard for one month to communicate as best as we can and shook on it.
    • SR understood that I was extremely stressed and started helping me ALOT with all the practical stuff like organizing my friend's birthday party and housework, but there was still deep unspoken hurt and bitterness between us.
    • The party was on the weekend and it was a welcome change of pace to just have fun, dance and laugh with SR and our friends. We both felt connected.
    week 2:
    • I tried to talk about my feelings to SR on several occasions, but his feelings got on the way and every time it ended in him crying. I felt like I have to be the stronger one again, but on the other hand, I thought it was good that he was showing his true emotions and letting them out.
    • SR MOd and I had to dig the confession out of him. We had a nasty fight about it and ended up being sad and exhausted once again.
    week 3:
    • For days there was no connection between us whatsoever and SR seemed cold and distant from me. I felt like there's no hope for us and it fueled my fear that he doesn't want to be with me at all (The thought had been brewing in my head for a long time)
    • I tried talking with him but faced a stone wall, leading me to finally give up. I told him about my plan to leave to France alone for a month (another thought that had been brewing in my head) and sort of "set him free" since he seemed so unhappy being with me. I genuinely thought it would be best for us both. I also wanted to get away to lick my wounds in peace without the constant reminder of what I've lost. SR told me he understands but wants me to stay.
    • We started working our way to a better place in our marriage. SR was clearly taking a more active role than before.
    week 4:
    • According to SR, his eyes have opened and I've seen him starting to deal with the reality of our situation
    • We've had many exceptionally good and candid discussions about both of our feelings, his PA, my grief, the past, the future and everything which we just haven't been able to somehow talk openly about before.
    • SR has begun to undo the damage he's caused by actively showing his appreciation and love to me with both words and deeds.
    • A couple of times we've ended up "making love". Not like penetration, or even close to it bc he's doing the hard mode. But... I don't think we've ever been together so intimately or felt that good and secure with each other, not even during our honeymoon period. It's been out of this world... Words can't describe how mind-blowingly glorious it has felt to intertwine our naked bodies together and feel, smell and taste one another with no agendas or goals to reach an O. The love and intimacy I've felt between us during those times have been unbelievably powerful and fulfilling. just...rapturous.
    • We went on a date for the first time in ages. I had high hopes for the romantic side of the evening but we weren't on the same page about that so I got a bit disappointed. The good thing is, that we were able to talk about it without arguing, and SR really made an effort to fix it. It turned out quite nice in the end.
    I feel like he's finally starting to take tiny steps to become a better person. And I'm finally starting to feel a tiny bit relieved.
     
    Banjaxed likes this.
  16. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Now that things seem to be going in a better direction I've been wondering "what's next?"
    I've found it hard to believe that something has just snapped inside SR's brain and from now on we can start harmoniously building a new foundation and everything will be ok. Surely it can't be that easy?

    The answers started to come to me last night when we were about to go to bed and I suddenly realized that for the past three days I've been sensing something odd in our dynamics.
    To elaborate: I usually do a brief mental recap of my day in the evenings and this time I noticed that there were tiny red flags here and there. They were just small nuances, odd silent pauses and fleeting flinches of negative facial expressions that I've noticed. As I was thinking I realized that there has been the same kind of red flags for days, so it all just combined into a huge flaming sea of redness in my mind.

    I had no idea what the red flags were about, so I started a conversation about it telling how I feel and kindly asking for his insight on it. His reaction was to become all defensive and irritable about it, which was a surprise to me since I thought that that kind of behavior was already in the history.
    I immediately went to a full-blown panic mode. Heart pounding and eyes widening like a deer in headlights... It's crazy how fast it happens... and how little it takes nowadays.

    Apparently, we've done good work practicing our communication skills because usually, that kind of situations have turned into a complete war-zone. This time we were able to reach a mutual understanding after quarreling for a while, so kudos to both of us.

    So what were the red flags about then? I made a highly professional looking graph (hardy-har-har) about the pattern SR usually tends to follow:

    [​IMG]
    So the red flags I had noticed were SR riding high up in the completely white zone, blinded by the brightness and feeling invincible but starting to get frustrated because I was still wounded and "difficult to deal with".
    As I was expressing my concerns he started plummeting down the blue line and feelings of disappointment and anger started to rise from his misconception that I was supposed to be thankful and as a reward for his efforts, "easy to deal with".

    But I'm not "easy to deal with". I need to be able to be hurt, concerned, sad, angry, or whatever it is that I'm feeling.

    If he doesn't stay in the Goldilocks zone, then he's like a dry-drunk and not working on his recovery.
    I have no clue what it takes for him to stay on the red line, but maybe it's not my responsibility. Maybe he has to figure it out himself.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2018
  17. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

    170
    270
    63
    Thank you for this - I really needed to see this today
     
    IamGold likes this.
  18. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Amazing graph & absolutely how it really goes. My husband is on the downhill stonewalling, defensive, & disconnect. I guess that means relapse is imminent, huh?
    Oh Lord
     
    IamGold likes this.
  19. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I'm glad it helped you:)
    I know for my husband it would, but I'm not sure if it's the same for everybody. :)
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  20. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Things are going smooth and calm for a change. Man, it feels great to be able to say that.

    We had therapy a couple of days ago, and for the first time ever there was no drama. Usually, when we've been there we've had to use the whole hour to sort out some kind of horrible conflicts that have been on the surface and there has not been time to dive deep into our problems. Finally, we were able to start our journey to find the root causes of our failing marriage.

    What was funny to realize, was that now when there was no drama, there was no sense of relief either, so it felt kind of anti-climatic.
    We've gotten used to experiencing great harmony after discussing our relationship, but that's because we've never been able to discuss it without conflict. To reach a mutual understanding we've had to argue first and then reconcile, so we've both learned to connect the feeling of happiness coming from reconciliation to making progress.
    Because of this, we both felt that we didn't make any progress in therapy and didn't realize we were wrong until the therapist pointed out that we had taken some huge steps that day.

    Now what I have to do is get used to the anticlimax and turn it around into new normal.
     
    hope4healing likes this.

Share This Page